Always the elephant in the room...

Abby Nicole said:
I cannot, for the life of me, hear children's higher pitched voices.
Click to expand...

OMG, me either! When my kids were little, I couldn't understand them unless I was looking at them straight on.
 
CSign said:
Was this comment directed at me, because it sure seems that way. I'm not sure why you think I or anyone else is trying to "fix" them, there is nothing to be fixed. I can say the past is the past- in no way am I invalidating her experience. I was trying to offer words of support and encouragement that she is in control now- she holds the key to her destiny. I realize that their history is deep, and it takes time to come to terms with these things.
Click to expand...

I have news for you CSign.....it is not all about you....just saying. :cool2:
 
Oh c'mon. "Plausible deniability" will only get you so far. Don't try to gas-light her; CSign is smart enough to know what was intended.
 
Hope everyone enjoyed their Halloween weekend! DH and I dressed as Double Dare contestants.

Last couple of days, I've thought about this thread, and realized that I've talked so much about my parents/sister because I've been repeating the same ol' draining "suck it up" mentality with my new family - the in-laws. If I haven't figured "it" out with my own family, how on earth can I have a healthy relationship with my new family?

How do you know where to draw the line without coming off as selfish? What's a reasonable balance between appeasing your family and looking out for your own sanity?

An excellent example of an in-law incident involved my MIL throwing a post-wedding reception for us in DH's small hometown. She invited 300 guests, 90% of whom DH didn't know, because (her words) "It's impossible to invite one neighbor and not the rest, one K-12 teacher and not the rest, etc, because it's a small town." DH and I were not included in the party planning, so we didn't have a clue as to how excessive the guestlist was until MIL started reporting RSVP counts. By then, it was too late for DH to intervene on my behalf. I felt sick to my stomach, knowing that yet again, I was going to be a miserable deaf bride, only this time dealing with 300 strangers (instead of 150 friends/family in the know about my deafness at my own wedding).

At the post-wedding party, DH was glued to my side, answering every question for me, as I could not hear a word and just worked on keeping the fake smiling beaming and holding back tears. People pointedly stared at me when I couldn't answer them directly. I didn't feel like explaining, "Excuse me, I'm deaf" 300 times over and over. Hated every minute; I could not feel an ounce of gratitude towards my in-laws for throwing the party - this makes me feel like a selfish ingrate because a normal person would've loved the party and felt honored. But what's the point of throwing an expensive party when the "guest of honor" has to struggle through their worst nightmare?

MIL did know that I cannot participate in large social events, as I had confided in her that I was unable to hear anything during my own wedding. The day after the post-wedding reception, MIL came to me and said, all perky, "Oh, you must've had a hard time hearing at the party, huh?" I looked her square in the face and said, "Yeah, I didn't hear a word." Haven't spoke to her since.

I don't have any coping skills; I either hold it all in or lash out. Nor do I know how to differentiate between an unfair situation versus a run-of-the-mill obligatory event that hearing people just suck it up for.
 
If it happens again, come with pen and paper? If people ask why, make the sign for "deaf'" to spare your voice. I think most hearing people know that sign.

Its probably impossible to control other people's behavior. Just think about what your boundaries are and what YOU will do in any given situation.

So, for example, you probably can't control either of your families love for big parties. But you can always have pen and paper with you. If the noise actually starts to hurt your ears, turn off your hearing aids!
 
Jazzberry said:
If it happens again, come with pen and paper? If people ask why, make the sign for "deaf'" to spare your voice. I think most hearing people know that sign.

Its probably impossible to control other people's behavior. Just think about what your boundaries are and what YOU will do in any given situation.

So, for example, you probably can't control either of your families love for big parties. But you can always have pen and paper with you. If the noise actually starts to hurt your ears, turn off your hearing aids!
Click to expand...

That's true, Jazzberry - the big parties will not end/not in my control. I will try a pen/paper, see how that goes down. Just wish it didn't have to come down to that.

The noise is horrible! Even with great hearing aids, the crowd noise makes me feel disoriented and dizzy. Well... the excessive social drinking makes me dizzy, too. Forgot to mention that - the big parties drive me to drink heavily so I don't go postal. :(
 
Abby Nicole said:
Hope everyone enjoyed their Halloween weekend! DH and I dressed as Double Dare contestants.

Last couple of days, I've thought about this thread, and realized that I've talked so much about my parents/sister because I've been repeating the same ol' draining "suck it up" mentality with my new family - the in-laws. If I haven't figured "it" out with my own family, how on earth can I have a healthy relationship with my new family?

I suspect that you already know the answer to this one. But I certainly understand why you ask.
How do you know where to draw the line without coming off as selfish? What's a reasonable balance between appeasing your family and looking out for your own sanity?

It is never acceptable to sacrifice your own sanity just to appease your family. You need to look out for you. They obviously aren't going to do it. You have given them many years to do it. Chances are great that they will never "get it". And that is just who they are. They have the freedom to be who they are. Now give yourself permission to do the same.

An excellent example of an in-law incident involved my MIL throwing a post-wedding reception for us in DH's small hometown. She invited 300 guests, 90% of whom DH didn't know, because (her words) "It's impossible to invite one neighbor and not the rest, one K-12 teacher and not the rest, etc, because it's a small town." DH and I were not included in the party planning, so we didn't have a clue as to how excessive the guestlist was until MIL started reporting RSVP counts. By then, it was too late for DH to intervene on my behalf. I felt sick to my stomach, knowing that yet again, I was going to be a miserable deaf bride, only this time dealing with 300 strangers (instead of 150 friends/family in the know about my deafness at my own wedding.

Sounds like MIL needs to be taught some boundaries. Very presumptuous to plan a a post wedding party for you and your DH without your input. You are under no obligation to submit to that kind of control.Your feelings are as important as anyone else's. In this case, more. It was YOUR wedding.

At the post-wedding party, DH was glued to my side, answering every question for me, as I could not hear a word and just worked on keeping the fake smiling beaming and holding back tears. People pointedly stared at me when I couldn't answer them directly. I didn't feel like explaining, "Excuse me, I'm deaf" 300 times over and over. Hated every minute; I could not feel an ounce of gratitude towards my in-laws for throwing the party - this makes me feel like a selfish ingrate because a normal person would've loved the party and felt honored. But what's the point of throwing an expensive party when the "guest of honor" has to struggle through their worst nightmare?

It was horribly insensitive of your MIL to put you through that. She needs to know exactly how insensitive it was, and how much discomfort you endured at her hands.
MIL did know that I cannot participate in large social events, as I had confided in her that I was unable to hear anything during my own wedding. The day after the post-wedding reception, MIL came to me and said, all perky, "Oh, you must've had a hard time hearing at the party, huh?" I looked her square in the face and said, "Yeah, I didn't hear a word." Haven't spoke to her since.

Then she was not only insensitive, she was downright mean and self centered. She doesn't deserve your courtesy.
I don't have any coping skills; I either hold it all in or lash out. Nor do I know how to differentiate between an unfair situation versus a run-of-the-mill obligatory event that hearing people just suck it up for.
Click to expand...

You have more coping skills that you realize. Otherwise, you would have dunked MIL in the punch bowl at the party!:giggle: You are erring on the side of caution. Situations like this do not deserve the respect of you sucking it up.
 
jillio said:
You have more coping skills that you realize. Otherwise, you would have dunked MIL in the punch bowl at the party!:giggle: You are erring on the side of caution. Situations like this do not deserve the respect of you sucking it up.
Click to expand...

LOL! :lol: Jillio - I spit out my diet coke on your punch-dunking comment, there was indeed a huge bowl of pink punch at the party. Hahah!

It's true that MIL put ahead her need of making the whole town feel invited, rather than settling for a smaller affair to make it more inviting to me. Sigh.

Old patterns die hard. I envy those of you who know how to put your foot down, dissenters be damned.
 
Abby Nicole said:
LOL! :lol: Jillio - I spit out my diet coke on your punch-dunking comment, there was indeed a huge bowl of pink punch at the party. Hahah!

It's true that MIL put ahead her need of making the whole town feel invited, rather than settling for a smaller affair to make it more inviting to me. Sigh.

Old patterns die hard. I envy those of you who know how to put your foot down, dissenters be damned.
Click to expand...

It is a skill we have learned. You can learn it, too. Stick around.;) We love to teach.
 
Yes, Abby Nicole, welcome and I second Jillio's comment. :)
 
Welcome, have fun- (psst- its ok to be yourself here and even rant. ;) )
 
Last edited:
Csign could brush up on her social skills. Just saying. I've even given her a hint (i.e., specifically told her what to say that would be helpful). It's like when someone dies and people don't know what to say to a widow. Sometimes, people say something stupid out of akwardness. No one wants to be the person who does that. The widow is not going to tell you that you said something inappropriate. I am. Learning to ask for what I need. It's a good skill.
 
CSign said:
:( you were a product of your circumstances. At least now you can move forward making choices that feel right for you. It's obviously not your fault that you were placed in an Oral environment. The past is the past, and you have control of your destiny. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Click to expand...

Since people continue to intentionally misinterpret what I wrote, I'd like to clarify for those that are confused.

Please note the sad face that precedes my post- that was put there because I feel empathetic to the OP that clearly had a tough time growing up. The OP seemed clear on what I wrote, but for some reason a handful of others are trying to make me seem unsympathetic/insensitive/fill in the word.

There is a BIG difference between the bolded above, and someone saying, "now you need to move on and make choices that feel right for you."

For those who aren't clear on the distinction between the two... My original post which I quoted above says that she can move on, in other words she has the ability to when she decides the time is right.

The second bolded statement is command or direction, saying that she must move on.

Big difference. I personally, would never tell someone what to say or do. But hey, that's just me :P
 
CSign said:
Since people continue to intentionally misinterpret what I wrote, I'd like to clarify for those that are confused.
Click to expand...

then you should work on your communication skill so that you don't have to keep clarifying all the time.
 
on or forward? That's a distinction without a difference? :confused:
 
Abby Nicole said:
Thank you, that brought tears to my eyes. The AG Bell award epitomizes my life, I was praised and congratulated on how well I concealed being deaf. It took years to figure out why that award and organization had an unsettling effect on me.
Click to expand...

So you where rewarded for pretending to be a hearing person?? That had to been a very mix message to you. People are so clueless about kind of messages
they give to their kids and students. I think if you never feel up to it you should write a letter to AG Bell award organizers and let them know how you felt about their award!
 
:welcome: to AllDeaf forum. You are not alone as we, some or many, had struggled with the oral only method in the mainstream schools, working and having the relationship in the hearing world. It is hard to move on when you are still struggling with your new in-laws especially MIL making your life difficult. If both families respect you understanding your deafness and the need to sign and being with the Deaf community, then you can move on. Otherwise, it is a continuing battle with the hearing society to make them understand of your freedom of being deaf person. Don't let anyone put you down if you don't like what they are doing to you. I feel for you, too. :(

I do hope you have fun reading and posting all the threads here. See you around here. :wave:
 
Back
Top