Your identity Your attitude

[Frisky Feline]

Of course this forum is "alldeaf" obviously most of us are deaf. I have noticed some of you who have been struggling to embrace your identity as a deaf or HOH. I can understand how some of you have been going through the different experiences than some of us. So I have noticed some of you finally accept who you are and adjust to the idea of being a deaf. How did you change your attitude toward to being deaf?

For me? I was born profoundly deaf. I noticed how different i was about 10 and did observe hearing people and deaf people. I understood and accepted myself for who i am. I have moved on and enjoy my journey through life. Sure, i know everyone know life is not perfect.

Lastly, Some of you who do not accept yourself who you are. I hope some of you who can work on yourself for your own,for better, not letting anyone get in the way such as discounting the value of your opinions about being deaf. for example, if anyone say, "aw i am sorry that you do not understand me because you lost your hearing or you don't speak right or ASL is unnecessary or whatever". It's THEIR problem, not yours! you know why? you are not alone, open your eyes and look around where others who are the same as you do. Change your attitude into the positive vibes and think you can do it then you can do it for your own, not anyone else.

my question is

how did you change your attitude for better when you learn about your hearing loss?

 

[ladysolitary85]

Excellent question to bring up!

I'm STILL learning about my hearing loss actually (and acceptance). When I was in kindergarten I had a fever of 104.4 for a week (and I was told it damaged the right ear drum but later I discovered it was the nerve that was damaged) and I lost total hearing in my right a while after that. Always had partial hearing loss in my left since then. I grew up with a hearing aid, since at the time my mom was adviced the cochlear implant wouldn't of benefited me. I was bullied, teased, and I felt embarrassed about my deafness because kids picked on me. When I was a junior my audiologist said I didn't need my hearing aid anymore. Which made me feel "normal" At the time I was relieved to know that I could be like other kids.

I went 10 years without my hearing aid..... and finally my fiance encouraged me to get a hearing aid, to break out of my denial and I finally realized I just needed help. Got myself the Starkey RIC and I instantly fell in love with it! I was so amazed with how much sound I was missing (and Walmart is freakin loud oh my god!).

But then 3 months after I had just signed up to shell out $2,500 for my hearing aid, I ran into severe hearing loss in my left ear that seems to be getting worse and worse for quite awhile now. Still trying to figure out why but thats on another thread.

My first reaction honestly? Was fear. I was terrified of complete deafness and still have a little fear of it. I didn't know if I'd ever get to hear my favorite music ever again. I still can hear but I can't make out most words especially on the phone. Everything, even myself sounded muffled and I was just fearful. I was scared of the possibility of losing my job, losing friends (although if they can't accept me for who I am than they never were really friends), scared to teach myself ASL out of fear I may mess up, scared of how it would effect my relationship with my fiance and my family.

But honestly, I'm not afraid anymore.

I just had to learn to accept my deafness and to be prepared if I do go completely deaf. To remind myself that none of this is my fault and things happen and that I'm not alone. I try to look at the pros of deafness :

Perfect sleep, never hearing random kids screaming or crying in public, not hearing your significant other/family nag at you.

I just tell myself "The world is cold but I am who I am, and it may not like it, but its just going to have to accept it."

As far as labeling myself? For the longest time I just said I was HOH but recently I rather say Deaf because theres all different levels of deafness in my eyes and I honestly do think eventually I will be in complete deafness. No shame in that though.

 

[dogmom]

FF and ladysolitary!
I don't wanna step into something that isn't my place - Frisky, is your question for prelingual ( or very young initial) deaf/hoh?

I like the question and what you wrote there

lady, also appreciated your response and can very much relate to the experience of being bullied

you are both beautiful people.....

 

[Frisky Feline]

FF and ladysolitary!
I don't wanna step into something that isn't my place - Frisky, is your question for prelingual ( or very young initial) deaf/hoh?

I like the question and what you wrote there

No sweats about it. please. lol for anyone either were born deaf or late deafened or slowly losing hearing. This is how hearing people treat those deaf/hoh that way and those deaf/hoh people feel uneasy. Hearing people made this difficult things for whose deaf/hoh people, literally.

 

[dogmom]

ok-

 

[authentic]

I have noticed most of hoh or late deafened people are starting to get advantage of deaf benefits such as SSI, transportation discounts, get free education from VR, and so on and yet they don't act like they are deaf or socialize with deafies which they disgust me.

 

[Frisky Feline]

I have noticed most of hoh or late deafened people are starting to get advantage of deaf benefits such as SSI, transportation discounts, get free education from VR, and so on and yet they don't act like they are deaf or socialize with deafies which they disgust me.

Yeah. i know. Hey, same for deaf people who make it like their lives are the worst in the world. :roll: I know lots of deaf people (ASL users) have jobs. It's all about attitudes that disgust me.

 

[drphil]

One's identity: From Cdn Hearing Society/Toronto "hearing help lessons on coping"ACCEPT your condition and don't bluff- in all areas of one's life. My opinion's didn't change after I became bilateral deaf-December 20, 2006. Started the process in being evaluated re Cochlear Implant at Sunnybrook/Toronto. Fortunately successful-operation July 12, 2007.

Implanted A B Harmony activated Aug/07

 

[katz4life]

I have noticed most of hoh or late deafened people are starting to get advantage of deaf benefits such as SSI, transportation discounts, get free education from VR, and so on and yet they don't act like they are deaf or socialize with deafies which they disgust me.

I agree. I had never bothered to apply for transportation discount membership. Today has better and improved technology in transportation, such as buses have annoucement in typing where to stop off the bus and local trains/subways have that too to let you know where you are heading.

 

[sheila022]

I agree. I had never bothered to apply for transportation discount membership. Today has better and improved technology in transportation, such as buses have annoucement in typing where to stop off the bus and local trains/subways have that too to let you know where you are heading.

I applied for one because I'm just a poor college student who wants to save $$$$ on traveling/transportation around Boston/Cambridge :P :P :P

Traveling nowadays should be much more affordable...the world's a too big of a place to stay stuck in one city. *sighs*

 

[Frisky Feline]

I applied for one because I'm just a poor college student who wants to save $$$$ on traveling/transportation around Boston/Cambridge :P :P :P

Traveling nowadays should be much more affordable...the world's a too big of a place to stay stuck in one city. *sighs*

ha ha i know you know what we were talking about. you are a college student then you are dismissed. ha but true about others. sad.

 

[ash345]

My family found out about my hearing loss when I was very young, about 20 months or so, but couldn't afford to get me a hearing aid, and did not know of anything that would help, so they started just yelling in my ears. I was not allowed to use any sign language, except the numbers, because all kids count on their fingers. I was put into special ed, even though I could read like none other at the age of 5. When I was 3 I started speech therapy, and was told over and over again that I was doing things wrong, and heard from my parents that I wasn't normal, that there was something wrong with me. When I was 8, my school talked to my parents about getting me a hearing aid, which the state paid for. My audi's have always told my family that my hearing will get worse, and it is.
I tried, partially due to my parents telling me there was something wrong with me from the time I was little, to hide my hearing aids, to try to be "normal" to try to be hearing. I didn't have the childhood my sisters had, and they were always telling me this. I had speech therapy 3x a week until I was 17, when I finally told my mom that I wasn't going anymore. I hated myself growing up, I wasn't allowed to meet anyone who was D/HH, or even meet the girl who had a CI in my high school, because... she used sign. My school did everything they could, that my parents allowed, to help me. I had people give me notes from class, I had extra lessons, and written notes between teachers and myself, when I couldn't understand what they were saying... but I always felt like the odd man out.
My last semester of High School, I decided that I didn't care what my parents thought, that I was going to take an ASL class, because my school would provide it through the CC for free, because of my deafness. I felt like the world had opened up a little to me, my professor was Deaf, and he saw my hearing aids, instantly started to sign to me... he could tell by the confused look on my face that I had no idea what he was trying to say... then started writing things down for me, asked me about my hearing loss, if I could understand words, and why I wanted to take ASL classes. He met with me outside of class to give me more instruction, because he knew how important this was for me. I learned so much in that semester, but then moved to college.
I registered with Disability services on my campus, they got note takers for me, and everything was going well... though I had not had a chance to use the ASL I learned, it was almost 3 years before I had the courage to place myself in an opportunity to use it again, and by that time I had forgotten most of it. While walking to class one day, I saw a group of students I had seen a few times before, and they were signing, I decided to walk up to them... because I had been getting more and more depressed in my lonely state once again. They looked at me like I was crazy for just walking up to them, and standing there like a werido. Once I eventually got my point across... I was so nervous and still felt out of place, they began to welcome me into their little group. There was only a few weeks until I graduated, but those few weeks were so happy for me, I felt like I belonged somewhere... That is when I started to realize, no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I would never be the hearing child my mother wanted, but... I could still be me.
After Graduation I moved to Colorado, misplaced my HA's, and began my search for a Deaf Community here, knowing that I needed people who understood what I had been through, and where I needed to be. At this point I was still just coming to terms with identifying as HoH. My coming to terms, and my moms, with me being a Lesbian, was so much easier than me coming to terms with the fact that I was... deaf... It took almost a year, until I found and had the courage to register here on AD, for me to find a Deaf Community. It was the community that is helping me realize my identity is not in the hearing world, nor in the place in between (HOH), but it is in the Deaf world. I am learning more and more about who I am, and how, even though I am not even close to fluent in Sign yet, it is still so much easier for me to communicate that way then through spoken language and lipreading. It has been a transition, and is it worth it, definitely. Am I a much happier person, no doubt about it. Do I identify as Deaf... starting to... Do I still worry about what is going to happen when all of hearing is gone, yes, but not as much. I know I will be ok, and I look forward to the day that I can proudly say, "Yes I am Deaf, yes I do use ASL as my main form of communication, Yes, I am A Proud Deafie!" The time will come, I hope sooner than later, but it is all a journey, Life is a Journey.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

 

[Jane B.]

I have noticed most of hoh or late deafened people are starting to get advantage of deaf benefits such as SSI, transportation discounts, get free education from VR, and so on and yet they don't act like they are deaf or socialize with deafies which they disgust me.

If amount of loss meets the guidelines, why should time of loss make any difference in qualifying for the benefits?

 

[Royale]

FF - This is an excellent thread.

I am interested in reading various experiences from these who have gone thru the challenging transformation over the years and years.

 

[Frisky Feline]

FF - This is an excellent thread.

I am interested in reading various experiences from these who have gone thru the challenging transformation over the years and years.

Me too. I d like to understand better from others who have gone through over the years. It is amazing how they did adjust to accept their deafness and start the new chapter in life after how they were treated by others who think less of ASL or Deaf culture.

 

[faire_jour]

Wirelessly posted

My family found out about my hearing loss when I was very young, about 20 months or so, but couldn't afford to get me a hearing aid, and did not know of anything that would help, so they started just yelling in my ears. I was not allowed to use any sign language, except the numbers, because all kids count on their fingers. I was put into special ed, even though I could read like none other at the age of 5. When I was 3 I started speech therapy, and was told over and over again that I was doing things wrong, and heard from my parents that I wasn't normal, that there was something wrong with me. When I was 8, my school talked to my parents about getting me a hearing aid, which the state paid for. My audi's have always told my family that my hearing will get worse, and it is.
I tried, partially due to my parents telling me there was something wrong with me from the time I was little, to hide my hearing aids, to try to be "normal" to try to be hearing. I didn't have the childhood my sisters had, and they were always telling me this. I had speech therapy 3x a week until I was 17, when I finally told my mom that I wasn't going anymore. I hated myself growing up, I wasn't allowed to meet anyone who was D/HH, or even meet the girl who had a CI in my high school, because... she used sign. My school did everything they could, that my parents allowed, to help me. I had people give me notes from class, I had extra lessons, and written notes between teachers and myself, when I couldn't understand what they were saying... but I always felt like the odd man out.
My last semester of High School, I decided that I didn't care what my parents thought, that I was going to take an ASL class, because my school would provide it through the CC for free, because of my deafness. I felt like the world had opened up a little to me, my professor was Deaf, and he saw my hearing aids, instantly started to sign to me... he could tell by the confused look on my face that I had no idea what he was trying to say... then started writing things down for me, asked me about my hearing loss, if I could understand words, and why I wanted to take ASL classes. He met with me outside of class to give me more instruction, because he knew how important this was for me. I learned so much in that semester, but then moved to college.
I registered with Disability services on my campus, they got note takers for me, and everything was going well... though I had not had a chance to use the ASL I learned, it was almost 3 years before I had the courage to place myself in an opportunity to use it again, and by that time I had forgotten most of it. While walking to class one day, I saw a group of students I had seen a few times before, and they were signing, I decided to walk up to them... because I had been getting more and more depressed in my lonely state once again. They looked at me like I was crazy for just walking up to them, and standing there like a werido. Once I eventually got my point across... I was so nervous and still felt out of place, they began to welcome me into their little group. There was only a few weeks until I graduated, but those few weeks were so happy for me, I felt like I belonged somewhere... That is when I started to realize, no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I would never be the hearing child my mother wanted, but... I could still be me.
After Graduation I moved to Colorado, misplaced my HA's, and began my search for a Deaf Community here, knowing that I needed people who understood what I had been through, and where I needed to be. At this point I was still just coming to terms with identifying as HoH. My coming to terms, and my moms, with me being a Lesbian, was so much easier than me coming to terms with the fact that I was... deaf... It took almost a year, until I found and had the courage to register here on AD, for me to find a Deaf Community. It was the community that is helping me realize my identity is not in the hearing world, nor in the place in between (HOH), but it is in the Deaf world. I am learning more and more about who I am, and how, even though I am not even close to fluent in Sign yet, it is still so much easier for me to communicate that way then through spoken language and lipreading. It has been a transition, and is it worth it, definitely. Am I a much happier person, no doubt about it. Do I identify as Deaf... starting to... Do I still worry about what is going to happen when all of hearing is gone, yes, but not as much. I know I will be ok, and I look forward to the day that I can proudly say, "Yes I am Deaf, yes I do use ASL as my main form of communication, Yes, I am A Proud Deafie!" The time will come, I hope sooner than later, but it is all a journey, Life is a Journey.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

i'm sorry this happened to you. It is so hard when parents won't listen. I am glad you were able to find ASL and someone to help you learn it.

i believe attitudes are changing, and that parents are much more open about ASL and especially the need to be around other deaf kids.

good luck in all things

 

[jillio]

Obviously I am not deaf,. But I will respond as to how I became Deaf, and the journey my son and I made for him to decide that he wanted to identify as Deaf, with permission from the OP.

 

[DeafCaroline]

how did you change your attitude for better when you learn about your hearing loss?

I wasn't aware that i was "different" until the first day of kindergarten. Was a pretty happy kid till then. Kindergarten all the way through university, I didn't enjoy being deaf, the mainstream settings made it very clear what I was missing out on, and the attitudes of other students and some teachers made it even more clear. All my friends were hearing and I never understood what they said in a group setting and we were always in a group setting. I began dating guys a lot because I got that one one one attention from them that I didn't get from groups of friends. Plus they were good for my ego.

Then one summer, I became best friends with Dave and Pauline (not their real names) and the three of us became a tight trio and that really helped me a great deal for I no longer felt cut off or excluded. All three of us spent all of our free time together for 2 years before we parted ways for university. I am so grateful to have had those friends because they came along not long after I lost my mother who was my rock, the center of my universe. When she passed away, I was completely lost and felt very very alone especially due to living with a father who'd never really raised us himself and thus, didn't understand that support instead of criticism would have been helpful.

My need for positive acceptance was so strong that i got pregnant on purpose at age 19 to make a man happy so he wouldn't leave me. He wanted me to have his baby and I stupidly said Ok! That of course made life much much harder for he fucked off before the baby was born.

Then an interview with Maya Angelou that I saw on tv when I was 27 was a very pivotal moment in my life because i was a very poor overwhelmed single mother who was surviving on pasta noodles with vegetable oil and soy sauce so my kids could eat real food. I was at a very desperate point in my life and my anger was escalating more and more and more, stemming from frustrations of the daily barriers that comes with being a deaf person in a hearing world. I would ask my sisters if they could help with a phone call and they would say "why dont you just drive to the dentist and make the appointment yourself?" They had no clue my life was already difficult enough and I just needed a little bit of help. Never got any. That really compounded that sense of frustration and my temper was getting worse.

What Maya said was "anger doesn't just go away on its own. You have to make the conscious decision to box it up and put it away so there's room to be happy."

Basically, she was saying attitude is everything. If I'm unhappy and mad and frustrated and lonely and desperate, it's because of my attitude. I chose to let things affect me in a certain way. I chose to react with anger or frustration to things. No one could change that except me. It was all up to me to change.

but being the only deaf person i knew, it was hard to find someone who could understand me and that really added to the sense of isolation. I went to a psychotherapist once to try to talk about it and all she would say is "and how does that make you feel?"

I needed empathy and advice, not textbook therapist responses. I never went back to her after two sessions. What I needed was someone who understood me and would be able to provide advice and guidance and I never had that and definitely wasn't getting it from the therapist. I could tell she had no concept of what it's like to be deaf.

then finally in my 30s, I knew there was only one solution that could help me. Talk to other deaf people. make deaf friends. share stories and learn from them. Gain inner strength and humour from them.

Slowly, i began to read about deaf culture and realized that all my problems were coming from the fact that I was the only deaf person I knew. And the impact this had on my sense of self.

And now, all this hating being deaf business is gone. My anger has dissipated so much, I'm not as easily frustrated and I definitely feel calmer and happier. My anxiety levels have gone way down and I'm sleeping better at night. Hearing people don't get to me as much anymore. I am far better able to cope with life and all its problems and barriers and obstacles because I have a greater sense of self and identity as one who is deaf.

 

[jillio]

If amount of loss meets the guidelines, why should time of loss make any difference in qualifying for the benefits?

Because loosing your hearing later in life means that you have transferable work skills that congentitally deafened or early childhood deafened don't have. Length doesn't have anything to do with qualifying, just with the way you see your deafness and the way you attempt to deal with it. Late deafened see it as a loss, and look to places like VR to help them deal with it. Deaf from birth already know what accommodations are needed and available.

 

[KristinaB]

Most of you know my story, but long story short. Late talker, massive inner ear infection, diagnosis of hearing loss with "scar tissue" later determined to be calcium deposits on eardrums. Family told not to allow me to learn ASL, not to become part of the "so-called Deaf Community" or the "so-called Deaf Culture". I was raised totally oral with three HA's from ages 7-10. Then no amplification until age 38 due to finances. I did not know about any Deaf Culture or Community until I was 43 years old and it was just me searching online and running across AllDeaf. I did not identify myself as deaf until age 43 when I learned about it. At age 41 I lost all of my hearing and we found that I have no ear drums and no cochlea. Over the last few years, I have also found that I am losing the bones in my ears as well. All is due to the calcium deposits. It is believed that they were a result of an unusual occurrence during my birth which was considered to be an extreme breech birth. Started out right leg and right arm first, doctor could only turn me a bit and I cam butt first, folded in half. Mother was in extreme pain, but got a lot of meds at the time and after.