Er, I do not know if i am going to making any sense...it's difficult to put to words...sorry in advance if i am not clear but here goes...
I feel compelled to point out the word 'accept' is not completely binary in nature, as people are creatures of reasons - their 'reason' to accept might be different yours and mine. Parents may rationalise it differently from another parents, in so saying to themselves; “ It’s ok - this is the best approach because i don’t a want an angry child because ...”
It is also a sad but true fact that society, as a whole, will often use an individual's deafness as the defining characteristic of the individual, especially in situations that do not require extended contact with the deaf person. In educational situations, deafness will be a defining characteristic in deciding accommodation and placement. In employment situations, the same is true.
Of course I knew that, that is true, but I refrained to say this because I didn’t want to impose fear and while indeed it’s something you can't hide or deny.
I do understand what faire_jour is facing, the reality of how doctors, teachers, coaches, are going to treat the child differently. This is the very thing d/Deaf people knows all too well, we are the best ones to ask while there are problems stemming from some of hardcores deafies/Deaf fanatics.
Further the problem, some are parroting along the trendy 'deaf thing' because it is fashionable to talk about human rights, but dare I say half or most of them know jack all, while my other fears is also the 'ones' who 'does' know – the educated and probably employed in high profile positions even the ones served in Gallaudet also have hit this “intellectual dead-end” which stalls the progress of actual human rights effectiveness.
My guess is that it's probably due to number of things, too inward focus on petty politics, and too 'big' - that is the society, even the 'mess' deaf people are in now being so enormous, so fragmented, starting off with big obvious divided 'camps of thoughts' or approaches.
This below from Jillio in response to deafskeptic; that I feel is an excellent phrase that it seem to illustrate well what is meant by 'good parents' and 'bad parents';
It creates a situation where a deaf child is constantly put in the position of feeling they have to prove that they are just as capable, just as intelligent as a hearing child. To a child, this is interpreted as a value judgement, and internalized as a feeling that they have to constantly prove that they are just as "good" as everyone else in spite of their deafness. It actually places more focus on the deafness, and less on the child as a complete and whole person who happens to be deaf.
Being afraid of the pressure on which responsibility to relate with the child in telling the truth about the world they are growing up in, shouldn’t actually be a fearful task or approach. What it would actually do is, will help create the trust bonding between the child and parent because whenever the child would be burden or have questions, they would have no hesitation or fear of ridicule to ask their parents on why the hardship they are facing. From within this bond, the human ‘face’ of the child is more perceivable to the parent because the relationship is based on facing reality, not denying it, it becomes easier for parents to view the wholistic of their child/children and while deafness become an 'defining' element, not stigma to get rid of.
The child ‘knows’ it’s being denied – I know this from when I was a deaf child myself, that even back then i knew the deaf unit I was attending ‘wasn’t normal’, as does I was taught to believe it was right but it didn’t meant I believed it. So over a long time, as confusion begans to simmer over for too long, consciensation bomb ticks away.....this situation is avoidable, the child doesn’t need to overcome ‘deafness’ – society does.
Your post made quite a bit of sense, Grummer.
Because I am attempting to keep this discussion to a cultural, psycho-social perspective I am going to draw a comparison with African American culture here. But before I do, let me preface it by saying that this has been my experience with African American culture. Being a multi-racial individual, my experience is a blend of 3 different cultures. If anyone has experience that is contradictory to what I am about to say, please do not hesitate to post your experience, as well. It doesn't make either one of us "right" or "wrong"; it simply means that we have experienced that particular cultural influence from a different perspective.
African American children have the cultural experience of being taught to be proud of their cultural heritage while at the same time, being given the very real message that prejudice does exist, and that they will encounter it many times during their lives. From the time they are young children, the closeness of the culture teaches them to deal with these incidents without loosing self esteem, or feeling that they need to be "just like" the majority in order to "fit in." They learn at a very young age that, no matter what they encounter in the wider society, they are also members of a culture that historically has taken care of its own and provided a safe haven to counteract the negativity they may experience outside that culture. Children are not necessarily taught these lessons explicity, as in an adult telling them over and over, "There are prejudiced people out there. Watch your back!" but they are delivered implicity through behavior and attitudes displayed by their adult role models. The adults have accepted that prejudice and discrimination is simply a fact of having been born with darker skin and courser hair. Does this reality become the defining factor in the way they live their life? In the vast majority of cases, no. There are the few extremists who make it the governing principle of their lives, but those, as with the Deaf extremists, are few. However, it is always in the back of their minds, and something to be aware of. It is simply a fact of life...nothing more, nothing less. Being aware of it simply allows them to recognize it and deal with it should it occur. They are able to recognize it for what it is, and do not have to internalize prejudice as a value judgement on them as a person. African American children are taught, by African American adults who have been there, how to deal with these obstacles in a healthy way. They are taught to expect the inevitable cases of rejection and prejudice they will encounter in the wider society, and to see these incidents for what they are. Because it is not a case of if it will happen, but when it will happen, they are given the skills to deal with it.
The same can be said of deaf children. They will encounter cases of prejudice and discrimination based on nothing more than their hearing status. No matter what assistive devise they use, no matter how well they speak, no matter how much contact they have with hearing people only, they will, inevitably, encounter discrimination at several points in their life. We can't make it go away, we can't protect them from it their entire lives, we can't pretend it doesn't exist. The best we can do is teach them that it does exist, and give them the skills they need to deal with it without letting it damage their self image. Those skills are provided with cultural contact. Those are the skills that are best taught by those that have been there.
We tell our deaf children, "You are just as good, just as capable, just as smart as any hearing child." This is a very true statement, and one we definately need to give our deaf children. What we fail to tell them is, despite the fact that this is a true statement, there will be people throughout your life that will refuse to see the truth in that statement. If we haven't given them a safe haven where they can assoicate with others who have expereienced it and survived it, and gone on to do outstanding things with their lives, encounters with people who don't see the truth in that statement threaten to overwhelm them. Deaf children, as do any children, need to have contact with someone who understands their experience on a very basic level. A level that goes beyond words, that goes beyond a hearing parent telling them, "That was very unfair. That was mean. I'm sure that hurt your feelings. Those people are just narrow minded. It doesn't have anything to do with who you really are." Those statements, although emapthic and necessary, come from the outside looking in when they come from a hearing parent or friend. What deaf children need is to hear the same thing from someone who is inside looking out. They need to know that they are understood without having to explain; know that they are understood on a very fundamental level by someone who has been in the same position. They need their experiences validated, to be told that they are real, in order to learn how to deal with them. That is where the deaf community is so valuable. That is where deaf role models are crucial.
Shel has provided a very good example of this. She is exposing her daughter to Mexican culture and to Caucasion culture because they are both a part of who she is. She is also exposing her, by experience, to Deaf culture, because it is a part of who her mother is, and African American culture because it is a part of who her step family is, and who her brother is. As a result, she will never feel the need to deny who she is, or what her heritage is. She is being shown that it is a valuable and respected part of the person she is and will become. This is the greatest gift a parent can give a child. Shel and her daughter are alike in many ways, but in some ways they are different. Her daughter is both Mexican and Caucasion; Shel is Caucasion. Her daughter is hearing; Shel is Deaf. Likewise, her son is African American and Caucasion; he is also hearing. She helps those children to celebrate the parts of themselves that are different from her while at the same time, celebrating the parts that are the same. She is not threatened by the fact that her children are different from her in some ways. She does what she can to make sure that they are comfortable with those differences, and by exposing them to different cultures that reinforce those differences, communicates to them in a very real and solid way that those are things to be celebrated, not denied. What a wonderful message to give a child.
I apologize for using you as an example, Shel, but I do admire you and your open mindedness. You have taken some lessons you learned as a child, and used them as a benefit for your kids. You have extended them beyond just painful experiences as a deaf child to include all aspects of a child's being, and that is rare to see.
And there are many, many more...not just on this board but walking around IRL, that are perfect examples, as well. People keep saying that 90% of deaf children are born to hearing parents. That means that 90% of the people in the deaf community are from families of hearing origin, yet they all come together in the larger deaf community. Those deaf children of hearing parents grow up to become deaf adults of hearing parents. And they are finding the deaf community, and becoming a part of it. Why is it so necessary for them to wait until they are adults? Why is it that we cannot give them that when they are children, and, as hearing parents, share it with them?
