I never got the opportunity for deaf camps and what not. I was completely oral, completely mainstreamed, and completely ostracized. I was the 'different' kid, and quite honestly I was the class freak, the loner.
I never had a lasting friendship from school. They were sporadic at best. I would have a best friend for a year, then over the summer that friendship would die away because my summers were often spent at home watching TV all day. I never got the benefit of social groups or events except for softball, but even then I never really understood the game because after one game, the kids were leaving the dug out and high fiving each other, and I went to a lady and asked who won. Our team lost. That's when I realized I wasn't enjoying softball, I never knew what was going on, I was oblivious.
In school, I was always the loner kid, playing by myself in the corner of the playground. When I had a best friend, it was only for a short time. I was never a part of the 'cool' crowd like my brother was. I never had a date to the prom, I got booted out from my senior prom by a classmate simply because I was a freak.
I left that prom crying because I was hurt - I'm fighting back tears now just thinking about it and that was back in 2002. You'd think something like that a person would 'get over'. But you don't. Especially when everyone's idea of a high school prom is a magical one- and mine was far from that - a nightmarish one really.
When our class walked at graduation, and our principal said to pair up with someone you want to walk with. Everyone walked with some one - except me. No one wanted to walk with me. No one had wanted to be with me all those years and that was a hard blow to an 18 year old.
If I could travel back in time, I would beg my parents to let me go to ASD where there would be people like me there who would be more willing to accept me.
At ATU there are no other deaf students on campus that I am aware of. I wish I knew of another deafie on campus so that I could reach out and try to form a lasting bond for the first time in my life.
Another thing I am sad about is that everyone here can talk about growing up deaf, the deaf stories, jokes, and even certain terms that you know that I don't know which only tells me that I am not yet a full member of the deaf.
I am not hearing, but I am not fully deaf - it leaves me in a very isolated place.
My marriage was horrible, my ex would get mad at me and say things like "I'll give you a hundred dollars if you can tell me what I just said." Even my mom got in on this a little bit, it was very degrading.
I can't blame my hearing status entirely for a lifetime of bad relationships, but I wonder if I had friends who were in the same boat as me and we shared a common method of communication, I would wonder having that one best friend would be enough for me to feel confident about myself.
Basically what it comes down to is that not only am I achieving academic and professional goals as a person, but also I need someone there to tell me I'm good enough, and to have that lasting bond with someone. A lasting and meaningful relationship that apparently I missed out on as a child.