Parents snooping.. Invasion of privacy?

[jillio]

Precisely. I'm not saying that all parents are like that. I was raising a point to this because in some cases, I've seen how parents would be putting down their child's self esteem or confidence because of the lack of trust that comes in play.
I don't see it as a problem if one is being responsible about it and being well informed of this. It is always dicey because being skeptical about the invasion of one's privacy can really go out of proportion if one were to allow it blow front of your face.

Absolutely. And it is also well known that if you treat a child as if they are always lying or being dishonest, (when they aren't), they will oblige you by becoming liars and being dishonest. The easiest way to make sure that your child will always lie to you is to never believe anything they say. Their attitude becomes, "If you are always going to accuse me of lying, I might as well go ahead and lie."

 

[Nika]

Easier said than done. When you have children of your own. You will truly understand the aspect of it.

How do you know if your parents snooped on you or not?

We trust each other. There's no need. I have never pushed any boundaries; they have never set any boundaries.

 

[Babyblue]

Absolutely. And it is also well known that if you treat a child as if they are always lying or being dishonest, (when they aren't), they will oblige you by becoming liars and being dishonest. The easiest way to make sure that your child will always lie to you is to never believe anything they say. Their attitude becomes, "If you are always going to accuse me of lying, I might as well go ahead and lie."

Must be a fine line somewhere....

Trust is something everyone deserves. I do trust my kids to a certain point. but to completely trust them to not make a mistake. I do know it is inevitable
Children will make mistakes. I just want to be aware of what is going on so I can educate and help my children. Not to shame them or to put them down.

That is why we are called parents. We are here to raise them right.

 

[Daredevel7]

I dont think my mom has ever snooped in my room, but my housekeeper apparently found "weed" in my room (I was ~15 yrs old). She went to my mom and told her that she found pot in my room. So one day my mom came to me and she said "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?". After being confused and saying no, she showed me what the housekeeper found, and I said "Mom, believe me, Ive never even seen drugs before! I don't even know what that is!" She believed me, and it never came up again. 4 years later, when I actually have seen weed in the flesh, I realized that whatever the housekeeper found was most likely Spanish moss!!

So parents.. try not to jump into conclusions!

 

[Babyblue]

We trust each other. There's no need. I have never pushed any boundaries; they have never set any boundaries.

I grew up with boundries. Children needs boundries.

I do not allow my kids to do what ever they want. If I did I would not be a parent, now would I?

Allowing your kids to do ANYTHING with out any boundries is not being a parent.

I have boundries and expectations of my children. As most parents do.

so I set them and they know the consiquences of overstepping those boundries.


You must be one of those kids that never dared to step out of line.

If your parents never set any boundries how did you know your limits?

 

[Babyblue]

I dont think my mom has ever snooped in my room, but my housekeeper apparently found "weed" in my room (I was ~15 yrs old). She went to my mom and told her that she found pot in my room. So one day my mom came to me and she said "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?". After being confused and saying no, she showed me what the housekeeper found, and I said "Mom, believe me, Ive never even seen drugs before! I don't even know what that is!" She believed me, and it never came up again. 4 years later, when I actually have seen weed in the flesh, I realized that whatever the housekeeper found was most likely Spanish moss!!

So parents.. try not to jump into conclusions!

I do know what certain drugs look like.

I would never accuse my child of something unless I am certain.

Some parents are not that naive.

What did you say when your mom showed you the bag?

You did not know what it was then?

 

[Nika]

I grew up with boundries. Children needs boundries.

I do not allow my kids to do what ever they want. If I did I would not be a parent, now would I?

Allowing your kids to do ANYTHING with out any boundries is not being a parent.

I have boundries and expectations of my children. As most parents do.

so I set them and they know the consiquences of overstepping those boundries.


You must be one of those kids that never dared to step out of line.

If your parents never set any boundries how did you know your limits?

I set my own boundaries and I knew my limits because of my trust with them. To test the boundaries and to go past the limits would be to break our trust. Breaking our trust would be a much worse punishment than grounding or losing privileges ever could be.

They gave me a credit card. I never maxed out on it. I knew better than to.
They never gave me a curfew. I never came home obscenely late. I didn't even come home questionably late.
They let me use their car (when I was sighted). I only used it when I really needed to (e.g. to pick someone up from the airport). I didn't drive it everywhere and I didn't get into any major accidents.
They told me that I could drink and do as much drugs as I want. I have just never had any interest in either.
I set my own boundaries, which are much tighter than the boundaries they would have set for me. Mainly because I never had the temptation to test the boundaries when they were never there. How can you step over the edge if you don't know where the edge is?

How did I know not to max out the credit card, come home at 4am, drive the car drunk, etc.? Common sense. This common sense I developed from being given their trust. They trusted me to make the right judgments so I did.

 

[Daredevel7]

I do know what certain drugs look like.

I would never accuse my child of something unless I am certain.

Some parents are not that naive.

What did you say when your mom showed you the bag?

You did not know what it was then?

My mom has never seen weed before and neither have I, at that point. Bunch of goody goodies. (Side funny note: my mom asked me recently what a bong was.. oh my god shes so frickin cute)

She didn't really accuse me. She just asked me with a very worried look on her face.

Even though I didn't know what it was, I was sure it was not weed because it didn't even look green/leafy, plus it wasn't even in a bag. My housekeeper just found it by itself on the floor under my bed. So pfft, I think that's why my mom was unsure that it was pot, but my housekeeper's son was arrested for drugs, so my mom didn't know what to believe.

 

[naisho]

Not calling you out Nika, don't take it that way. But your experience is anecdotal, it pertains to you only. With that being said, you can't expect that this will play out the same for everyone else out there. Granted, either they have common sense or not, but some people don't have that line of thinking or aren't as lucky. That's the only inconsistency that I have to point out. What BabyBlue is trying to see, is if there's a "central set of norms" that should be enforced on a child's privacy in general.

 

[Babyblue]

My mom has never seen weed before and neither have I, at that point. Bunch of goody goodies. (Side funny note: my mom asked me recently what a bong was.. oh my god shes so frickin cute)

She didn't really accuse me. She just asked me with a very worried look on her face.

Even though I didn't know what it was, I was sure it was not weed because it didn't even look green/leafy, plus it wasn't even in a bag. My housekeeper just found it by itself on the floor under my bed. So pfft, I think that's why my mom was unsure that it was pot, but my housekeeper's son was arrested for drugs, so my mom didn't know what to believe.

sorry but that did give me a laugh. (not on the serious note) but as for mom asking what a bong is.

Now parents are more educated in more ways than some want to know.

I'm glad it all worked out for you.

 

[jillio]

We trust each other. There's no need. I have never pushed any boundaries; they have never set any boundaries.

If they have never set boudaries, then there would be no boudaries to push, would there? You cannot push what doesn't exist.

 

[Babyblue]

Not calling you out Nika, don't take it that way. But your experience is anecdotal, it pertains to you only. With that being said, you can't expect that this will play out the same for everyone else out there. Granted, either they have common sense or not, but some people don't have that line of thinking or aren't as lucky. That's the only inconsistency that I have to point out. What BabyBlue is trying to see, is if there's a "central set of norms" that should be enforced on a child's privacy in general.

Exactly!

"By George you've got it!"

 

[jillio]

Must be a fine line somewhere....

Trust is something everyone deserves. I do trust my kids to a certain point. but to completely trust them to not make a mistake. I do know it is inevitable
Children will make mistakes. I just want to be aware of what is going on so I can educate and help my children. Not to shame them or to put them down.

That is why we are called parents. We are here to raise them right.

Yep, it is a fine line. And everyone does deserve trust, but they don't deserve it automatically if their behavior doesn't earn it. If you behave in a trustworthy manner, I will give you trust. However, if you behave in a manner that causes me to suspect that you are not trustworthy, you will have a difficult time getting any degree of trust from me. That is the way it works with parents and children too.

Knowing that your children will make mistakes is not being distrustful. It is simply being realistic. People who believe that their children would never do anything wrong are the ones that let the kids get so deeply involved in negative activities. All the parents of kids who have been involved in school shootings have said "I just can't believe my child would do that."

We all need to believe that our children are just as much at risk of making mistakes as any other child. The key is in understanding that, and helping them to correct those mistakes before the mistake becomes a way of life, or so huge that it destroys their life.

 

[Babyblue]

If they have never set boudaries, then there would be no boudaries to push, would there? You cannot push what doesn't exist.

Yup.

no boundries=no limits

A child with no boundries would not know the limits

and the thing is. Everyone has a certain limitation of tolerance. I have not yet met a person that tolerates everything and not set boundries.

Even parents that don't set certain boundries for children. They still tell them to get to bed. Shut up. etc.

The difference is setting positive boundries and negative ones.

 

[shel90]

I dont want to be one of those parents who snoop out of curiousity ..that thought never really crossed my mind until this thread. I have the password to my daughter's email addy and she knows it but I have no desire to read her emails out of curiousity. That just feels so wrong. Like some of you said, unless our children do show any suspicous behavior, then there is no reason to snoop in everything. My daughter isnt showing any behaviors that concern us so we havent really felt a need to go thru her bedroom. I dont know if it is cuz she is only 11 but she will be 12 in March so I am starting to get a little nervous about issues like these...when should I snoop...how much is too much and so on. I am sure I will do some things that my daughter will resent and I know my daughter will make mistakes but just plssss not the kinds that will ruin her life.

 

[jillio]

Yup.

no boundries=no limits

A child with no boundries would not know the limits

and the thing is. Everyone has a certain limitation of tolerance. I have not yet met a person that tolerates everything and not set boundries.

Even parents that don't set certain boundries for children. They still tell them to get to bed. Shut up. etc.

The difference is setting positive boundries and negative ones.

And children with no boundaries grow into adults that don't understand boundaries, and constantly cross them. It causes all kinds of social problems for them. They have no idea what is appropriate and what isn't because their parents did not make the effort to teach it.

 

[Babyblue]

Yep, it is a fine line. And everyone does deserve trust, but they don't deserve it automatically if their behavior doesn't earn it. If you behave in a trustworthy manner, I will give you trust. However, if you behave in a manner that causes me to suspect that you are not trustworthy, you will have a difficult time getting any degree of trust from me. That is the way it works with parents and children too.

Knowing that your children will make mistakes is not being distrustful. It is simply being realistic. People who believe that their children would never do anything wrong are the ones that let the kids get so deeply involved in negative activities. All the parents of kids who have been involved in school shootings have said "I just can't believe my child would do that."

We all need to believe that our children are just as much at risk of making mistakes as any other child. The key is in understanding that, and helping them to correct those mistakes before the mistake becomes a way of life, or so huge that it destroys their life.

I do understand what you are saying.

I do not go and snoop all the time.

I don't do it to embarrass them or the shame them of their privacy.

I know how kids can be. We all do!

I just do it to be aware of what my children are doing and to educate them of the consiquences.

 

[IndieVisible]

Is snooping in your children or teens rooms considered as a parential right or an invasion of privacy?

My opinion it is a little bit of both. Leaning more to the parential right to make sure children are not doing something they are not suppose to since it is the parents responsibilty to make sure of the childrens safety and welfare.

Unless you suspect your child (any age) is in danger it is wrong and is snooping and invasion of privacy! You should respect that. How ever when health reasons are possible it is a parents duty to protect their children from drugs, suicide, or any heaalth issues.

 

[Babyblue]

I dont want to be one of those parents who snoop out of curiousity ..that thought never really crossed my mind until this thread. I have the password to my daughter's email addy and she knows it but I have no desire to read her emails out of curiousity. That just feels so wrong. Like some of you said, unless our children do show any suspicous behavior, then there is no reason to snoop in everything. My daughter isnt showing any behaviors that concern us so we havent really felt a need to go thru her bedroom. I dont know if it is cuz she is only 11 but she will be 12 in March so I am starting to get a little nervous about issues like these...when should I snoop...how much is too much and so on. I am sure I will do some things that my daughter will resent and I know my daughter will make mistakes but just plssss not the kinds that will ruin her life.

Ooohh. That is a toughy for me.

anyone that wants to contact my child VIA the net. They have to go through me. It is not being controlling. It is just all the dangers lurking on the net. That you can accuse me of being over protective.

She even pulled the "all my friends have my space"

I told her well her friends dont have a Mom like me.

 

[Jiro]

I agree. I pretty much trust my kids but, I know that peer pressure is a bitch. So I do snoop every now and then to make sure.

perfectly fine.