How do you cope with Separation/Divorce?

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JeepGirl

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I know this can be too personal to talk about it but I'd very much would appreciate to have alittle advice. I was married before and I didn't love him like I should've. so it was an easy way out. this is my 2nd marriage and we've been together 8 years. My husband finally said he's leaving. I said why? he said because enough is enough. We argue alot due to not wanting to understand each other's feelings. I tried to understand him but everytime he tried to talk about it, its always something I've done wrong. when I talk to him about my feelings, I would say I would appreciate it you help me clean the house and that I'm working full time too and I feel like i have to do everything, work, take care of my daughter, clean the house, feed the animals, do errands.. so on. he gets offended. things like that has blown out of proportion and became a big deal. I'm not saying its all his fault.. I have my faults in this. anyhow... We were very much in love all the way. at least i thought he was. then finally he said he didn't love me that way anymore, and has been feeling that way since a couple of months. I was shocked and my first thought was he's seeing someone else. Well, a week went by, I of course begged him to come home, begged him to talk to me and so on. He never came. 2nd week went by, I was getting better, starting to accept that he's not coming back. then last night, I went to a wedding. there he was. how he looked, he was so handsome. then it all came back to missing him more. so i asked him how he was feeling.. he said he didn't love me anymore and walked away. He was out there having a blast and flirting. I was standing there drinking beer after another and to find i became really drunk. well, i left.


here i am.. i'm miserable.. weak at the moment, sad, mad, feel like going crazy. What or How do you make yourself feel better? How do you move on? I'm desperate! help?
 
JeepGirl said:
I know this can be too personal to talk about it but I'd very much would appreciate to have alittle advice. I was married before and I didn't love him like I should've. so it was an easy way out. this is my 2nd marriage and we've been together 8 years. My husband finally said he's leaving. I said why? he said because enough is enough. We argue alot due to not wanting to understand each other's feelings. I tried to understand him but everytime he tried to talk about it, its always something I've done wrong. when I talk to him about my feelings, I would say I would appreciate it you help me clean the house and that I'm working full time too and I feel like i have to do everything, work, take care of my daughter, clean the house, feed the animals, do errands.. so on. he gets offended. things like that has blown out of proportion and became a big deal. I'm not saying its all his fault.. I have my faults in this. anyhow... We were very much in love all the way. at least i thought he was. then finally he said he didn't love me that way anymore, and has been feeling that way since a couple of months. I was shocked and my first thought was he's seeing someone else. Well, a week went by, I of course begged him to come home, begged him to talk to me and so on. He never came. 2nd week went by, I was getting better, starting to accept that he's not coming back. then last night, I went to a wedding. there he was. how he looked, he was so handsome. then it all came back to missing him more. so i asked him how he was feeling.. he said he didn't love me anymore and walked away. He was out there having a blast and flirting. I was standing there drinking beer after another and to find i became really drunk. well, i left.


here i am.. i'm miserable.. weak at the moment, sad, mad, feel like going crazy. What or How do you make yourself feel better? How do you move on? I'm desperate! help?
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Do you have anyone you can talk to? If not, you may want to consider some counseling. It will help you look at things objectively. It sounds like you will need to start thinking about how to move forward and you can't do that alone. I would also advice you to seek legal advice. If he was willing to just up and leave like that without considering you in all this, you could be in for it. Get counseling and then get yourself some decent legal advice! You could be caught off gaurd while things are so emotionally charged and that might blow up on you later.

Good luck!
 
my heart goes out to you jeepgirl i was so shocked by what he said it hurts yes
as i have seen you both getting along few months ago but now i am feeling as you are feeling different of course.

hugs you
 
I have requested for counseling and waiting for her to email me to give me a date and time with an interpreter. I have friends close by here that has been there for me. the hard part is... going to bed alone, waking up alone, thinking am i gonna be okay financially... things like that. I have the house, car payment, bills, so on. I have asked for counseling. just waiting to hear from her. thanks
 
moonflower said:
my heart goes out to you jeepgirl i was so shocked by what he said it hurts yes
as i have seen you both getting along few months ago but now i am feeling as you are feeling different of course.

hugs you
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thank you
 
JeepGirl said:
I have requested for counseling and waiting for her to email me to give me a date and time with an interpreter. I have friends close by here that has been there for me. the hard part is... going to bed alone, waking up alone, thinking am i gonna be okay financially... things like that. I have the house, car payment, bills, so on. I have asked for counseling. just waiting to hear from her. thanks
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Good deal! That should help. I feel for you.
 
Jeepgirl, my marriage to my ex hubby was exactly like that. He always said I was too dramatic whenever I expressed my feelings about doing things around the house and he would say that it was because I am so anal about keeping everything clean and that I cant expect him to be the same. It became a cycle of everything being my fault. Then one day, he told me he wanted a divorce and that was when my world turned upside down. I spent all night crying in the bathtub and begging him. He would say stuff like he hasnt been in love with me for a long time and hasnt been happy with me and blah blah. Well, two months later, I discovered that he was having an affair ..I crashed again and wanted to kill someone. I even blacked out and found myself front of the other woman's place at 2AM in the morning. I turned around and just cried until I was dried of tears for weeks. I lost 30 lbs in one month. That was all during my first semester of grad school so I would go to school very emotional but worked hard to keep my focus on my studies. I felt like my world ended.

Then came the shame and feelings of guilt. I felt ashamed that my marriage failed and didnt want people to look down on me. Also, I felt soo guilty that I didnt work harder to keep the marriage alive for my daughter and that she will be a child of divorced parents just like I was. Then, I got wild..partying and sleeping around. It took me a year to really understand that I was better off without him and it was going to be ok. I was struggling financially but thank god for my good friends at Gallaudet, I made it through both financially and emotionally.

Now, it has been 8 years and whenever I see my ex, I feel nothing. I forgot what it was like to be married to him. That was when I knew I had moved on.

I dont know what you can do because for each person, each situation is different and each person has their own way of dealing with it. All I can say is, cry..dont hold back. Cry it all out. Get angry but dont do anything destructive that could ruin your life.

My friends were my therapist because I didnt have health insurance nor the money to go to a therapist. Talk to your friends...be with them or if they arent nearby..go to a therapist just like others suggested.
Hang in there. It will probably be rough in the upcoming months. :hug:
 
shel90 said:
Jeepgirl, my marriage to my ex hubby was exactly like that. He always said I was too dramatic whenever I expressed my feelings about doing things around the house and he would say that it was because I am so anal about keeping everything clean and that I cant expect him to be the same. It became a cycle of everything being my fault. Then one day, he told me he wanted a divorce and that was when my world turned upside down. I spent all night crying in the bathtub and begging him. He would say stuff like he hasnt been in love with me for a long time and hasnt been happy with me and blah blah. Well, two months later, I discovered that he was having an affair ..I crashed again and wanted to kill someone. I even blacked out and found myself front of the other woman's place at 2AM in the morning. I turned around and just cried until I was dried of tears for weeks. I lost 30 lbs in one month. That was all during my first semester of grad school so I would go to school very emotional but worked hard to keep my focus on my studies. I felt like my world ended.

Then came the shame and feelings of guilt. I felt ashamed that my marriage failed and didnt want people to look down on me. Also, I felt soo guilty that I didnt work harder to keep the marriage alive for my daughter and that she will be a child of divorced parents just like I was. Then, I got wild..partying and sleeping around. It took me a year to really understand that I was better off without him and it was going to be ok. I was struggling financially but thank god for my good friends at Gallaudet, I made it through both financially and emotionally.

Now, it has been 8 years and whenever I see my ex, I feel nothing. I forgot what it was like to be married to him. That was when I knew I had moved on.

I dont know what you can do because for each person, each situation is different and each person has their own way of dealing with it. All I can say is, cry..dont hold back. Cry it all out. Get angry but dont do anything destructive that could ruin your life.

My friends were my therapist because I didnt have health insurance nor the money to go to a therapist. Talk to your friends...be with them or if they arent nearby..go to a therapist just like others suggested.
Hang in there. It will probably be rough in the upcoming months. :hug:
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wow.. that sounds soo much like what i'm going thru. I'm terrified of what's coming ahead. I'm scared that I'm gonna crash again. I did just that last night.. got drunk and got stupid. I certainly hope I don't do that again. My daughter needs me.

I've lost 12 pounds in 2 weeks and i'm at the point where I'm getting weak and tired easily. I have said this many times lately that I have failed this marriage. I could have done better. I could have at least listen and understand him. Well, we werent at 50/50.. we just took each other for granted. and this happened.

I have friends around but I have a hard time letting it go thru me and accepting what people have to say to me. I just need to listen more and put that to heart. :(

but right now, I'm at the point where I failed us. I failed myself. I failed my daughter. I've let everybody down. I just feel like I'm such a bad person. I'm just at the lowest point in my life right now and i certainly don't want any more of it coming my way.

thanks shel.. your post is awesome.. you got really great points. it just makes sense to me.
 
JeepGirl

I feel your pain. It's a traumatic loss, even if it's 50-50. It's gonna hurt for a while, but you will become stronger and much better for it. You will heal.

I was with a guy for four and half years. Lived together most of the time in a nice townhouse, a boat and working together. We had problems but we were a couple. We were not staying happy so he went on to have an affair. I've been the one for "sticking it out" through the worse things but this relationship taught me that i don't always have to do that. So when my world crashed, I dropped 13 pounds very easily and kept working like a zombie. My next guy was right under my nose but I did not care about anyone, including the guys I dated for a year. I started to have fun, but something was missing. I was hurting from this break up that I got pretty pissed about how it happened to me, and started to treat the guys like a guy would treat his dates. The guys started to treat me with more respect because I simply KNEW what I wanted and didn't care too much about anyone's feelings. That being said, as long as I stayed honest and had fun. Slept with only one guy for four months then we decided we'd be better off being friends. Little did I know my "best friend" at work had been keeping tabs on me all year and waited for the time I was ready to settle down. So the day I told him I was ready to quit being a free agent and sign on with the right baseball team, he asked me out! Sure, fair enough given my one date rule with all guys who asked. (no rejection problems for the guys--one chance only). Well, the guy swept me off my feet so fast that we were together for good after the second date. I have two lil girls with him now.

BEST RELATIONSHIPS happen when you are not looking so if your hubby is not it, then not to worry, the IT guy is around the corner looking for you....
Keep talking with your friends and supporters and you will be fine, amiga.
 
That's what friends are for. :)

You can always go to your friends when you're feeling down.

As for how he's acting, he's to blame too. It's a two-way thing in marriage. Marriage doesn't mean that one person does everything while the other does nothing.

You do a lot of work around the house. He should be contributing in some way instead of just "work" and nothing else.

Sorry that this is happening to you. :(
 
IslandBreeze07 said:
JeepGirl

I feel your pain. It's a traumatic loss, even if it's 50-50. It's gonna hurt for a while, but you will become stronger and much better for it. You will heal.

I was with a guy for four and half years. Lived together most of the time in a nice townhouse, a boat and working together. We had problems but we were a couple. We were not staying happy so he went on to have an affair. I've been the one for "sticking it out" through the worse things but this relationship taught me that i don't always have to do that. So when my world crashed, I dropped 13 pounds very easily and kept working like a zombie. My next guy was right under my nose but I did not care about anyone, including the guys I dated for a year. I started to have fun, but something was missing. I was hurting from this break up that I got pretty pissed about how it happened to me, and started to treat the guys like a guy would treat his dates. The guys started to treat me with more respect because I simply KNEW what I wanted and didn't care too much about anyone's feelings. That being said, as long as I stayed honest and had fun. Slept with only one guy for four months then we decided we'd be better off being friends. Little did I know my "best friend" at work had been keeping tabs on me all year and waited for the time I was ready to settle down. So the day I told him I was ready to quit being a free agent and sign on with the right baseball team, he asked me out! Sure, fair enough given my one date rule with all guys who asked. (no rejection problems for the guys--one chance only). Well, the guy swept me off my feet so fast that we were together for good after the second date. I have two lil girls with him now.

BEST RELATIONSHIPS happen when you are not looking so if your hubby is not it, then not to worry, the IT guy is around the corner looking for you....
Keep talking with your friends and supporters and you will be fine, amiga.
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I wasn't expected to date my hubby. I didn't know if he was still interested at the time because he was actually flirting with another girl and I just assumed he was interested in her. However, he IMed me days later and said "I like you" and we started talking about weeks and I got to meet him and his family. It was awesome. then 2 weeks later, he moved in with me. so maybe that was the problem. we didn't know each other and just moved in together right off the bat. I didn't know how he lived his life.. he didn't know how I lived my life. that's when we had a hard time with each other. but we loved each other so much that we both wanted to keep trying. 6 years later, he asked me to marry him and I did. then a year and a half later... we're getting a divorce. I was still wanting to keep trying and seek counseling but he didn't want it.. he didn't think he had a problem. but I honestly think he's seeing someone else. because I thought we were in love. so he's definitely not IT. I wanted him to be IT but fact is he isn't.

I was told to be friends first and not knowing that he has any interest in me nor do i for him. and later it becomes more than that. I was also told not to look but to go on with your life and when it comes, it'll come when time is right. So I agree with you.
 
VamPyroX said:
That's what friends are for. :)

You can always go to your friends when you're feeling down.

As for how he's acting, he's to blame too. It's a two-way thing in marriage. Marriage doesn't mean that one person does everything while the other does nothing.

You do a lot of work around the house. He should be contributing in some way instead of just "work" and nothing else.

Sorry that this is happening to you. :(
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thanks vamp. you're right, it takes 2 tango to become one.
 
VamPyroX said:
That's what friends are for. :)

You can always go to your friends when you're feeling down.

As for how he's acting, he's to blame too. It's a two-way thing in marriage. Marriage doesn't mean that one person does everything while the other does nothing.

You do a lot of work around the house. He should be contributing in some way instead of just "work" and nothing else.

Sorry that this is happening to you. :(
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Well said. I couldn't agree with you more and I also agree with everyone else in this thread.


JeepGirl, I'm here for you any day! :hug:
 
He is escaping away from the problem. If you truly don't want him to go, you can make a nice offer to him to attend the marriage counselor with you to deal with the problem. If he refused, then you know he's not the one for you, and time to move on. I'm sure you could find a better guy that easy. ;)
 
authentic said:
He is escaping away from the problem. If you truly don't want him to go, you can make a nice offer to him to attend the marriage counselor with you to deal with the problem. If he refused, then you know he's not the one for you, and time to move on. I'm sure you could find a better guy that easy. ;)
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I've done all I could think of. counseling, going to church together, sitting down to talk about what the real problem is.. he didn't want any of it. he already said he moved on and is happy where he's at now. and its only been 3 weeks.. how in the world is he happy now? well, I kinda get the hint. I kinda know why... i haven't made any offers, i haven't begged.. i just want to move on but i don't know how. and to find a better guy that easy.. how so? thanks, authentic, for your thoughtfulness.
 
Don't feel guilty about wanting him to contribute around the house. AND... do not let him make you feel guilty about asking him. If he's going to let laziness get in the way of your marriage and devastate your daughters life and family then he's an ass.

=)
 
Jeepgirl, I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I'm glad you're actively looking for a therapist. Going through a divorce myself, it's certainly not easy to experience the end of a relationship. You're doing great, believe it or not... under these circumstances! You're examining the situation and you're thinking about the next step. Please always remember that you are still a worthy person.. no matter what has happened.. I just took it one day at a time, but ex and I always have been friendly and we knew the end was coming for a while. This was sudden to you and how he handled things was cruel... you are in my thoughts... you can pm me anytime if you want.. I think the next step is to know yourself better.. and about what you want.. because in a relationship, we tend to put others first.. and think about their needs.. didnt grow ourselves...
 
Fresh2Deaf said:
Don't feel guilty about wanting him to contribute around the house. AND... do not let him make you feel guilty about asking him. If he's going to let laziness get in the way of your marriage and devastate your daughters life and family then he's an ass.

=)
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amen
 
Liza said:
Jeepgirl, I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I'm glad you're actively looking for a therapist. Going through a divorce myself, it's certainly not easy to experience the end of a relationship. You're doing great, believe it or not... under these circumstances! You're examining the situation and you're thinking about the next step. Please always remember that you are still a worthy person.. no matter what has happened.. I just took it one day at a time, but ex and I always have been friendly and we knew the end was coming for a while. This was sudden to you and how he handled things was cruel... you are in my thoughts... you can pm me anytime if you want.. I think the next step is to know yourself better.. and about what you want.. because in a relationship, we tend to put others first.. and think about their needs.. didnt grow ourselves...
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thanks liza. that's something I got to adjust. I have always taken care of him and Jaci. they were always put first before anything else. Well, that's something I got to learn to know who i am, what I want to be and to stay focus on my daughter. its been hard not to get distracted because that's the main issue for me is i'm very distracted and can't stay focus on my life. But I'm doing the best I can!!! thank you all sooo much!
 
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