How can I say no to my bf?

And, um... now we know. Kids are toddlers.

DrPepperX, what do you think you want to do about the situation?
 
All I can speak from experience with this issue. I always said that my ex hubby was a good man with helping out with my daughter and all that but the more he pressured me for sex and criticized me about not being in the mood, the more I didnt want to have sex and that led to him having an affair which ended our marriage.
 
shel90 said:
All I can speak from experience with this issue. I always said that my ex hubby was a good man with helping out with my daughter and all that but the more he pressured me for sex and criticized me about not being in the mood, the more I didnt want to have sex and that led to him having an affair which ended our marriage.
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Yeah, cuz he's such a baby.
 
DoctorPepperX, thanks for clarifying that. I just wondered why you selected this forum. You're new and we get a lot of hearing people here who troll. It makes perfect sense that you would post here. Welcome to AD.
 
sallylou said:
Wow, vacation guy! You're brutal! Give them a chance.
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Look, if they had problems with getting dog or perhaps what movie to see on Friday night this might be salvageable, but to not agree on intimacy(the very foundation of being a couple) isn't exactly trivial. Relationships are hard work and if you don't have the basics then it is an even harder uphill battle. To put a point on it, "If you don't like me when I am in my prime you are certainly not going to like me later."

The fact is, some people should just not be together. Nobody wants to admit it, but it's the truth.

And, there's nothing brutal about wanting something better for someone.
 
There's some truth in what you say, vacation guy. I just think that sometimes people give up too easily. My grandparents married when my grandmother was 16. They were married until she died in her 80's. I know that times are different. Maybe I'm being too romantic.

Thewritealex, why on earth would I bait you when, until you started commenting on my posts today, I was unaware of your existence? I have no idea what's up with you. I'm putting you and ignore. Please have the courtesy to stop commenting on my posts. I won't see them anyway.
 
sallylou said:
There's some truth in what you say, vacation guy. I just think that sometimes people give up too easily. My grandparents married when my grandmother was 16. They were married until she died in her 80's. I know that times are different. Maybe I'm being too romantic.

Thewritealex, why on earth would I bait you when, until you started commenting on my posts today, I was unaware of your existence? I have no idea what's up with you. I'm putting you and ignore. Please have the courtesy to stop commenting on my posts. I won't see them anyway.
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I'm glad you posted this and showed what kind of person you really are. Bravo to you.

And if you were unaware of my existence, why have you "liked" many of my posts and made many responses to me over the past two years?

:liar:
 
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1. Talk with your doctor about this issue...request for preliminary labs, especially for hormone levels. Possibly depression? That's something you really need to see the doctor for.
2. Take care of YOU first and foremost...as a mother, you must be in good shape in order to carry out your duties. Exercise, eat right, go out every now and then to have fun, etc. Take care of you.
3. His behavior is completely unacceptable. From what I gather, he is emotionally abusing you. There are tons of websites that explain emotional abuse, its signs, and cycles. You should never feel obligated to have sex...and if you do, then it counts as rape. Emotional abuse is very often overlooked because it is subtle (hard to notice) and it happens slowly. Most emotional abusers are "nice" most of the time to get what they want.
4. He does have the right to have intimacy, including sex. If you are not able to provide that, then it is unfair to him...although his method of getting sex is wrong, for you to abstain that from him all of the time is not fair either. I see both sides. If the problem is being tired - then find the root of the problem. It could be physical such as having a thyroid problem, it could be your diet (lots of starch), depression, etc.
5. Sex between two people must be consensual. One person should never force another (not only physically, but emotionally as well). However, abstaining from sex as a way to control is wrong, too. Some people are asexual by nature, and if that's the case, then that's a whole new different topic. Give and take is one of the key foundations of a healthy relationship. And this relationship is NOT healthy right now.
 
How do you say "no" to your boyfriend? "No." Again, try it with me: "no".
 
We only been together for almost 5 months now, and he don't have kids but I do, and I am young, not ready to be mother but I am doing my best, try to keep on tracking of keep house clean, help kids, was single for 11 months before met him. I wasn't ready for relationship but then I met him, I couldn't stay away from him, he's so amazing! I was afraid if I wouldn't find anyone who like him. I love him who he is from all day except nights. Sometimes we had fun at night time but very rarely. I can't just leave him because of our nights problems. I am looking for something that can solve our problems without piss him off and arguing with me continue at night times. I don't have time to go find a counselor and visit counselor in person, I am too busy full time mother. I just looking for a simple advices over online, I found yahoo, and it not helpful. They telling me that it's time for him to go. And other said I need to fix my english first than relationship. Oh please, takes long time to fix my english for years.

I don't think he would cheat on me, he told me he never cheated before. He always with me most of times almost 24/7. I am looking for solve our problems, and I want to stay with him. He'd done nothing wrong to me at day times. He hugs me, kiss me, do anything for me, always being there for me. Even kids isn't his but he treat them like they are his kids. How can I leave him like that because of night times problems?
 
DrPepperx said:
We only been together for almost 5 months now, and he don't have kids but I do, and I am young, not ready to be mother but I am doing my best, try to keep on tracking of keep house clean, help kids, was single for 11 months before met him. I wasn't ready for relationship but then I met him, I couldn't stay away from him, he's so amazing! I was afraid if I wouldn't find anyone who like him. I love him who he is from all day except nights. Sometimes we had fun at night time but very rarely. I can't just leave him because of our nights problems. I am looking for something that can solve our problems without piss him off and arguing with me continue at night times. I don't have time to go find a counselor and visit counselor in person, I am too busy full time mother. I just looking for a simple advices over online, I found yahoo, and it not helpful. They telling me that it's time for him to go. And other said I need to fix my english first than relationship. Oh please, takes long time to fix my english for years.

I don't think he would cheat on me, he told me he never cheated before. He always with me most of times almost 24/7. I am looking for solve our problems, and I want to stay with him. He'd done nothing wrong to me at day times. He hugs me, kiss me, do anything for me, always being there for me. Even kids isn't his but he treat them like they are his kids. How can I leave him like that because of night times problems?
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Why doesnt he feel that way as well? Why doesnt he worry about not pissing you off or getting into arguments? Just food for thought...
 
DrPepperx said:
He said I don't show love, that's why he wanted sex to feel love from me.
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There are other ways to show someone you love them without having sex with them. I should know I'm asexual and sex and love? Sex is for procreation purposes. It's why it feels so good. It's supposed to but for anyone to tell you that if you don't have sex with them means that you don't love them that tells me that person doesn't know what true love is.

Real love is not pressuring you into it. Real love would not continue to poke and prod when you tell them it hurts. Real love would not make you feel guilty for not having sex. I don't care how helpful he is around the house. It doesn't mean a thing if he cannot and will not respect YOU as a person.

I'm not saying he doesn't love you but he has a funny way of showing it.
Sooner or later this will break you. Stand your ground. You are a woman. This is your body not his to use whenever he wants. If he gets mad he can jerk off to porn. My husband does it all the time....I'm sure he can do that and if he goes outside of the relationship you have with him to get his fix then he has a problem. He already told you from a post on here that other women would have sex with him anytime he wants. If he's that desperate he can find himself another woman because you are far more precious than his nether region is.

Blunt I know but I've been where you're at. It sickens me how men are ruled by their you know whats...it's time for them to evolve. Not all men...don't get offended ( the ones on here that read this ). There are those out there who respect their girlfriends/wives enough to go without.

On another note I suggest as others have to get checked out by a doctor. If you're bleeding in between periods it's best to get that checked out asap. It could be an STD or you may require a pap smear. IF not and it's just painful it still needs to be looked at. If your man is very large as mine is you can get an Rx for a device that will strech you over time to accomodate the guy. If that doesn't ring a bell no pun intended, then he's being too rough. A man who is too rough comes off a desperate and needy and ugh...he needs to take better care of you like others have said.

Hope everything works out. I'd drop him if I were you but I'm not.
 
If this guy loves you, he'll go see a therapist with you. Then, ya'll can work out these issues.
 
sallylou said:
There's some truth in what you say, vacation guy. I just think that sometimes people give up too easily. My grandparents married when my grandmother was 16. They were married until she died in her 80's. I know that times are different. Maybe I'm being too romantic.
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You're not the only person that wants the fairy tale, everyone does(including me). But there are enough bad marriages out there to go around the world twice.

Trust me, this isn't the end of the line for either of them. And, with luck both of them will be happy.
 
I did divorces for a while. Talk about crazy! No one should stay in disastrous relationship. All of us have to work out normal issues, though.
 
DrPepperx said:
We only been together for almost 5 months now, and he don't have kids but I do, and I am young, not ready to be mother but I am doing my best, try to keep on tracking of keep house clean, help kids, was single for 11 months before met him. I wasn't ready for relationship but then I met him, I couldn't stay away from him, he's so amazing! I was afraid if I wouldn't find anyone who like him. I love him who he is from all day except nights. Sometimes we had fun at night time but very rarely. I can't just leave him because of our nights problems. I am looking for something that can solve our problems without piss him off and arguing with me continue at night times. I don't have time to go find a counselor and visit counselor in person, I am too busy full time mother. I just looking for a simple advices over online, I found yahoo, and it not helpful. They telling me that it's time for him to go. And other said I need to fix my english first than relationship. Oh please, takes long time to fix my english for years.

I don't think he would cheat on me, he told me he never cheated before. He always with me most of times almost 24/7. I am looking for solve our problems, and I want to stay with him. He'd done nothing wrong to me at day times. He hugs me, kiss me, do anything for me, always being there for me. Even kids isn't his but he treat them like they are his kids. How can I leave him like that because of night times problems?
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You need to make time... If this relationship/man is important to you then you need to make the time to sort out the issues you both have.

Coming online for advice is fine but you're not going to get a quick solution.
As everyone has said previously, you both need to seek counselling to address the problems you both have. That is the simple advice online can offer...

Leaving things how they are, you are going to set a bad example for your children. Can you see what environment you are bringing your children up in? You'll be starting another bad cycle, just like how abuse usually works.

My honest opinion is that you need to address these issues now - with a trained professional.
Get your health issues sorted and your emotional ones. If your man cares for you, he will do the same.

You cannot be the best mother to your children if you are sick in mind, body and soul. You need to make the time for your emotional/physical well being as well as for your children's.
 
sallylou said:
I did divorces for a while. Talk about crazy! No one should stay in disastrous relationship. All of us have to work out normal issues, though.
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I hope to never go through another divorce. If I do, then I am never getting married again. Even though my marriage with my ex wasnt very healthy, getting divorced really hurted big time. I hope to never experience that kind of devastating pain agian.
 
I just find it sad that relationship only 5 month old and already you have intimacy problem. :hmm:

Think he probably do not understand how tiring being Mum to busy toddler can be. Feel like run all day chasing them. Can be exhausting.

Plus, if he do not take time to get woman 'ready' for intimacy then he selfish lover and not likely make you feel want more of that.

As for supposed 'other women who never say no to sex' uhm, where exactly are *they* now? ;)

I have no other advice that have not already be said.

I have opposite problem to you.

Oh, and do not worry for perfect English here. Just write how *you* want. No English Police here. :hug:
 
Kalima01 said:
You need to make time... If this relationship/man is important to you then you need to make the time to sort out the issues you both have.

Coming online for advice is fine but you're not going to get a quick solution.
As everyone has said previously, you both need to seek counselling to address the problems you both have. That is the simple advice online can offer...

Leaving things how they are, you are going to set a bad example for your children. Can you see what environment you are bringing your children up in? You'll be starting another bad cycle, just like how abuse usually works.

My honest opinion is that you need to address these issues now - with a trained professional.
Get your health issues sorted and your emotional ones. If your man cares for you, he will do the same.

You cannot be the best mother to your children if you are sick in mind, body and soul. You need to make the time for your emotional/physical well being as well as for your children's.
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Ok, I guess I will try to find a counselor somewhere that who knows ASL. thanks. He will go with me for sure.
 
Also get yourself a physical exam, including a complete gynecological exam. Bladder infections, yeast infections, other issues "down there" can cause pain. Repeated pain during intercourse of course is going to make you not want sex.

Make sure your body is healthy, while you also address the emotional/psychological issues that might be preventing you from enjoying sex.

Incidentally, doctors are supposed to provide ASL interpreters for you if you request one. And that is at THEIR expense, not yours.
 
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