Enough is Enough...

[jillio]

Are you the one who adopted your daughter? I can't remember, but I do recall there being a parent around who had adopted their child and for whatever reason I am thinking it was you?

I definitely think that changes the feelings, especially those associated with the blame piece. I was adopted. My adoptive parents never felt the blame piece. I recently met my birth mother and she is going through it all now. I am in my 20's but it is still hard for her to find out about it all now.

You are absolutely correct, JennyB. Adoptive parents go through a process, but it is a variant on the emotional issues experienced by hearing birth parents of deaf children.

 

[jillio]

ryancher,

Great post. first if you are looking for a forum with other parents of deaf children, I would suggest the ci circle. Obviously, its main focus is the ci but it is a place heavily populated by other parents of deaf children. Perhaps Grendel and FJ know of some others.

I understand what you are saying regarding your child and from my perspective of a parent of a deaf child now an adult and in grad school, it has been an amazing journey and one that gave us and especially, our daughter opportunities and experiences we and she might not otherwise have had. It has also allowed us to become a part of a deaf community filled with generous, kind and sharing people.

You can obtain information from various sources but actually meeting and being with others who have gone or are going though what you as a parent and/or what your child is going through was very beneficial to us. Take in information from as many sources as you can but always keep your child's interests first and foremost. Also, keep involved in your child's life and monitor his progress. Just because you may have made a decision to pursue one path, keep an open mind to accepting the fact that it ultimately may not be the best one for your child and be willing to change paths if necessary.

Good luck,
Rick

Correction: if you are looking for a forum with hearing parents who have implanted their children, go to CI circle. AD has a much greater variety of experience in both hearing parents and deaf adults. The wider the perspective, the more that can be learned. No need to limit the information a hearing parent gets.

 

[jillio]

Not all late-deafened people criticize the Deaf community. In my case, I defend the Deaf Community because I will always be indebted to them for helping me. The kindness of the Deaf community means so much to me. Funny thing is that hearing people comment on how nice it is that *I'm* helping the Deaf community. They've got it all backwards!

So true. I will be forever grateful to the Deaf community for what they have given me and my son. And my efforts now are not an attempt to "help" them, but rather to give back a small bit of what they gave me and my family.

 

[jillio]

Well, here goes again! First going to steal Alicias post or part of it here.
Ryancher- I believe jenny could direct you to maybe other parents of deaf children in your area..as far as another online community I'm sure CI circle would be the best route because the parents there have gone through what you are going through at some point in time or are going through it now and thinking about a CI for their child
Let's face it folks, we live in a hearing world! People that are hard of hearing or deaf are handicapped. I know, many say they can do everything a hearing person can do but that is just not true. There are many jobs that only hearing people can do and not many if any that only deaf people can do. Now lets look at another thing, when one is born, sound is sound and with no meaning. As time goes on and one is exposed to sound it takes on meaning. It may be English, Spanish, Chinese or what ever but it takes on meaning. Now if we look at children, they do not have the experience to make decisions for themselves and that is why in most areas they have to be at least 16 to make many of the decisions. So as parents, its up to us to do what we feel is best for the children. Most of us want to have our children have as much opportunity for success as possible. If we are able to implant a CI in a very young child, he/she will hear sound and eventually it will become meaning. Speech may come a little harder but even that can be accomplished. We have some people that can talk that are totally deaf from birth. As a youngster I lived near one so do know from experience. Yes she sounded different but certainly understandable. From that point of view, if two babies are side by side and one deaf and the other hearing and we could implant the deaf with CI's they would develop very much the same. Sound and meaning would come about the same to both of them, depending on brain power I guess as we know all are not exactly the same. At least we will hope that we have done what is best for the child and give him/her the best opportunity for success in life. Hearing is VERY important for both safety and communication. It's unfortunate that some of us just don't have "normal" hearing. Then again it's great that we have advanced to the point that we don't have to use the cow horn to hear and have marvelous electronic gadgets and getting better all the time.

How patrtonizing and insulting. My God, you must have zero self worth. Sad.

 

[LinuxGold]

Everyone, let's relax....

 

[Banjo]

Everyone, let's relax....

Yes, let's all chill out.

 

[KarissaMann05]

Wirelessly posted

Well, here goes again! First going to steal Alicias post or part of it here.
Ryancher- I believe jenny could direct you to maybe other parents of deaf children in your area..as far as another online community I'm sure CI circle would be the best route because the parents there have gone through what you are going through at some point in time or are going through it now and thinking about a CI for their child
Let's face it folks, we live in a hearing world! People that are hard of hearing or deaf are handicapped. I know, many say they can do everything a hearing person can do but that is just not true. There are many jobs that only hearing people can do and not many if any that only deaf people can do. Now lets look at another thing, when one is born, sound is sound and with no meaning. As time goes on and one is exposed to sound it takes on meaning. It may be English, Spanish, Chinese or what ever but it takes on meaning. Now if we look at children, they do not have the experience to make decisions for themselves and that is why in most areas they have to be at least 16 to make many of the decisions. So as parents, its up to us to do what we feel is best for the children. Most of us want to have our children have as much opportunity for success as possible. If we are able to implant a CI in a very young child, he/she will hear sound and eventually it will become meaning. Speech may come a little harder but even that can be accomplished. We have some people that can talk that are totally deaf from birth. As a youngster I lived near one so do know from experience. Yes she sounded different but certainly understandable. From that point of view, if two babies are side by side and one deaf and the other hearing and we could implant the deaf with CI's they would develop very much the same. Sound and meaning would come about the same to both of them, depending on brain power I guess as we know all are not exactly the same. At least we will hope that we have done what is best for the child and give him/her the best opportunity for success in life. Hearing is VERY important for both safety and communication. It's unfortunate that some of us just don't have "normal" hearing. Then again it's great that we have advanced to the point that we don't have to use the cow horn to hear and have marvelous electronic gadgets and getting better all the time.

Well, I grew up with a litte spending on my old HAs during my childhood and teenhood, yet I turned out okay. I don't believe in soundless have no meaning or signing/deafness is less important and unsafety than speaking/hearing. So I don't see how the deafness is not safety or less meaning for our lives when there are more successful non-HA/CI Deaf people somewhere in USA and other countries... you know, there are various ways to communication between hearing and the deaf...

OK, let me ask you. What is unsafety about signing and deafness? You got me wonder...

 

[JennyB]

JennyB does not have any children.

Yes I do.

 

[rick48]

Correction: if you are looking for a forum with hearing parents who have implanted their children, go to CI circle. AD has a much greater variety of experience in both hearing parents and deaf adults. The wider the perspective, the more that can be learned. No need to limit the information a hearing parent gets.

In your never ending quest to attack first and ask questions later, you failed to notice the OP's request:

"Does anyone know of a supportive online community for parents with deaf/hoh children?"

In response to her request, I suggested the ci circle which has long been a source of information and support for parents of deaf children. Thus I was not "limiting" information but rather, responding to the OP's request.

I am not going to engage in your silly comparison between AD and the ci circle, each has its own place and perspective but to suggest that AD offers a "wider" perspective when it condones the ravings and rantings of a hearing woman, who thinks she is Deaf, who did not implant her child, who after 25 years only knows 35 implanted people, who still opposes cochlear implants for children and who refers to cochlear implant surgery for children as torture, then you are right: the ci circle thankfully has a somewhat narrower and saner perspective.

 

[iowaboy]

Nah, I don't think I had any fantasies about my in-utero daughter. Almost to the other extreme- I couldn't wait for her to be born and get a year on her so I could see what kind of person she was going to be. Turns out, a deaf person. I remember they sat us down after the second ABR in a room with a table and some kleenex, and told us for certain that she was profound. The way they told us, you'd think they were revealing cancer. We celebrated. Finally, we knew for sure. Deaf? Is that all? I'll run with that. We then hit the Olive Garden and really confused the waitress by telling her we were celebrating our daughter's official diagnosis as deaf.

To the OP, I'd check with the local AEA and see what local groups get together, or who else was around. That's where we found a good bit of moral support. The net is nice, and you get some pretty good info, but you have to really put it through the "your-life" filter or you start to get caught off guard in the extremes, and then you're afraid to post, and then you second guess your decisions, and it all goes down hill from there.

 

[posts from hell]

In your never ending quest to attack first and ask questions later, you failed to notice the OP's request:

"Does anyone know of a supportive online community for parents with deaf/hoh children?"

In response to her request, I suggested the ci circle which has long been a source of information and support for parents of deaf children. Thus I was not "limiting" information but rather, responding to the OP's request.

I am not going to engage in your silly comparison between AD and the ci circle, each has its own place and perspective but to suggest that AD offers a "wider" perspective when it condones the ravings and rantings of a hearing woman, who thinks she is Deaf, who did not implant her child, who after 25 years only knows 35 implanted people, who still opposes cochlear implants for children and who refers to cochlear implant surgery for children as torture, then you are right: the ci circle thankfully has a somewhat narrower and saner perspective.

Don't believe this guy ^^

 

[deafdyke]

I have to say that I am truly thrilled to see a parent that is not afraid to be honest, and does not have that fear of being judged as a bad parent when she honestly admits to her own issues. You are a bright light in the recent darkness. And, because you have left yourself in an open place through your honesty, you are also ready to learn. Stick around, please. We need more like you.

Seconded!!!!! It's AWESOME you're here!!! And please understand that it does seem to be only one or two people who seem to be very radical....Either that or people are misunderstading a point, and are coming away with the impression that the person is anti HA/CI or anti oral skills training.

experienced in the common reaction to any form of disability that parents are known to have. It is a universal variable, and has been supported in all forms of literature and study. She has seen such in parents, and she has seen the denial of such as well. Actually, denial is a prelude to actually becoming self honest and working through the issue.

Yes, I have seen it too....and with very mild disabilties too! Heck, I had a very long journey coming to terms with the fact that I am hoh.
In defense of the parents, I can totally understand their reaction when their baby has a very profound or severe condition (like the kind that means that the kid will be multihandicapped enough to have to live in a pediatric nursing home)
But you're right....So many times decisions about school placement or schooling or communication methodology or whatever "disabilty thing is based on the parent still grieving the "loss of a "healthy normal" kid. It's actually almost identical to the "grieving" process many hetrosexual parents go through, when their kids come out!

 

[rick48]

Don't believe this guy ^^

Down boy.

 

[posts from hell]

Down boy.

Not surprised you said that. With that controlling tone of yours that is glaringly obvious in every post of yours since you signed up - I wouldn't be surprised if you committed some stuff that we wouldnt look at in a friendly manner.

 

[deafbajagal]

Why is it demeaning - is it because of the way it is worded, saying that the deaf are handicapped, etc or is it because from experience, those of you who were born deaf either
1.) do not think CI's work or help

2.) feel that deaf is what you are and that no one should try to change it ?

3.) find the statement that deaf people can't do most jobs to be untrue (I agree with this, I think it is the opposite...there are probably very few jobs that a deaf person CAN'T do)

I am not challenging anyone, I truly am trying to understand.
I obviously need to do some research on CI, HA, all that stuff, because there are so many things I do not know. The way I would probably do things if I were a parent with a child who was deaf or HOH, I would do both...see if oral could be possible, but learn ASL with my child at the same time. Not focus on one more than the other.

My take on this whole thing is that the OP needs to find a forum for parents of deaf children. They can understand where she is coming from, offer sympathy, unquestioning support. However, the people here are the only one's who can tell her what her child is going to face, what he is going to have to deal with in his life, what the effects of a parent's decisions will have on him in the long run - which I would think would be of major importance. Advice she will get plenty of here, but sympathy and warm fuzzy hugs - probably not so much of. Those things will not be of practical use to the most important person, her son.

Also, from what I have noticed, parents sincerely truly looking for advice with an open minded attitude do not get jumped on...it is the one's that come on here saying "I know what you all believe, but I am going to do it this way because I think I am right and F you if you don't like it" They have already made up their mind, and maybe in some warped way are hoping to justify their choices, so they come on here to rub it in, with a passive aggressive approach of course, and the people here see right through it.

I'll be happy to explain my reaction. I do not believe that the poster was intentionally trying to be rude...but I do believe that that kind of mindset is why we are divided. As long as one side thinks the other is superior, there will always be a division. No need for it. Let me show you MY perspective as a deaf person, and what I was feeling/thinking to myself when I read it.

1. It is NOT a hearing world. It is a world, period. The world is diverse and it is full of both hearing and deaf people. Yes, we are in the minority but so are blacks. You don't go around saying it's a white world. That would be insulting to the blacks, wouldn't it? Calling it a hearing world means I'm living in a foreign country or something. No. I live here. It's my world, too.

2. I am NOT handicapped. I'm especially not handicapped because I happen to be deaf. I am perfectly capable of being an independent adult. Besides, the word "handicapped" is outdated...technically, if needed, use the word "disabled." I'm not disabled, either.

3. There are many jobs that HEARING people can't do either. Not all of us are meant to be rocket scientists.

4. Sound does NOT mean language.

5. You don't have to hear sound to be able to have a relationship with sound. When I feel thumping down the hall, I know my child is running when she is supposed to be walking.

6. You cannot compare deaf babies with CI to hearing babies.

7. I was born with profound hearing loss and I talk just fine...withOUT a CI.

8. Hearing is important for safety? Bullshit. When there's a ambulance behind my car, I'm usually the one that notices it before my hearing family members. I have very good keen senses and to suggest that my safety or the safety of others are in jeopardy because of my hearing loss is absurd.

9. Hearing is NOT needed for communication.

10. And I'm proud of my cow horn. *Toot, toot!*


And if a deaf person wants a CI, by all means, go for it. If a parent wants to implant their children, fine by me. CI is a great tool. It doesn't work with every child, but as long as you do what you can, then you have my support. I have MANY deaf friends with CIs who love it. They are always egging me to get one, but I don't qualify. What I don't like is when someone says that a CI is needed because being deaf is so awful and so handicapping that they need to fix the problem. That's insulting to me as a person and to me as a member of the Deaf community.

Make sense?

 

[drphil]

Well PFH Rick 48 sure does DETECT bs from you- real shovels full!

Implanted Advanced Bionics-Harmony activated Aug/07

 

[lovezebras]

I'll be happy to explain my reaction. I do not believe that the poster was intentionally trying to be rude...but I do believe that that kind of mindset is why we are divided. As long as one side thinks the other is superior, there will always be a division. No need for it. Let me show you MY perspective as a deaf person, and what I was feeling/thinking to myself when I read it.

1. It is NOT a hearing world. It is a world, period. The world is diverse and it is full of both hearing and deaf people. Yes, we are in the minority but so are blacks. You don't go around saying it's a white world. That would be insulting to the blacks, wouldn't it? Calling it a hearing world means I'm living in a foreign country or something. No. I live here. It's my world, too.

2. I am NOT handicapped. I'm especially not handicapped because I happen to be deaf. I am perfectly capable of being an independent adult. Besides, the word "handicapped" is outdated...technically, if needed, use the word "disabled." I'm not disabled, either.

3. There are many jobs that HEARING people can't do either. Not all of us are meant to be rocket scientists.

4. Sound does NOT mean language.

5. You don't have to hear sound to be able to have a relationship with sound. When I feel thumping down the hall, I know my child is running when she is supposed to be walking.

6. You cannot compare deaf babies with CI to hearing babies.

7. I was born with profound hearing loss and I talk just fine...withOUT a CI.

8. Hearing is important for safety? Bullshit. When there's a ambulance behind my car, I'm usually the one that notices it before my hearing family members. I have very good keen senses and to suggest that my safety or the safety of others are in jeopardy because of my hearing loss is absurd.

9. Hearing is NOT needed for communication.

10. And I'm proud of my cow horn. *Toot, toot!*


And if a deaf person wants a CI, by all means, go for it. If a parent wants to implant their children, fine by me. CI is a great tool. It doesn't work with every child, but as long as you do what you can, then you have my support. I have MANY deaf friends with CIs who love it. They are always egging me to get one, but I don't qualify. What I don't like is when someone says that a CI is needed because being deaf is so awful and so handicapping that they need to fix the problem. That's insulting to me as a person and to me as a member of the Deaf community.

Make sense?

to that

 

[AlleyCat]

I'll be happy to explain my reaction. I do not believe that the poster was intentionally trying to be rude...but I do believe that that kind of mindset is why we are divided. As long as one side thinks the other is superior, there will always be a division. No need for it. Let me show you MY perspective as a deaf person, and what I was feeling/thinking to myself when I read it.

1. It is NOT a hearing world. It is a world, period. The world is diverse and it is full of both hearing and deaf people. Yes, we are in the minority but so are blacks. You don't go around saying it's a white world. That would be insulting to the blacks, wouldn't it? Calling it a hearing world means I'm living in a foreign country or something. No. I live here. It's my world, too.

2. I am NOT handicapped. I'm especially not handicapped because I happen to be deaf. I am perfectly capable of being an independent adult. Besides, the word "handicapped" is outdated...technically, if needed, use the word "disabled." I'm not disabled, either.

3. There are many jobs that HEARING people can't do either. Not all of us are meant to be rocket scientists.

4. Sound does NOT mean language.

5. You don't have to hear sound to be able to have a relationship with sound. When I feel thumping down the hall, I know my child is running when she is supposed to be walking.

6. You cannot compare deaf babies with CI to hearing babies.

7. I was born with profound hearing loss and I talk just fine...withOUT a CI.

8. Hearing is important for safety? Bullshit. When there's a ambulance behind my car, I'm usually the one that notices it before my hearing family members. I have very good keen senses and to suggest that my safety or the safety of others are in jeopardy because of my hearing loss is absurd.

9. Hearing is NOT needed for communication.

10. And I'm proud of my cow horn. *Toot, toot!*


And if a deaf person wants a CI, by all means, go for it. If a parent wants to implant their children, fine by me. CI is a great tool. It doesn't work with every child, but as long as you do what you can, then you have my support. I have MANY deaf friends with CIs who love it. They are always egging me to get one, but I don't qualify. What I don't like is when someone says that a CI is needed because being deaf is so awful and so handicapping that they need to fix the problem. That's insulting to me as a person and to me as a member of the Deaf community.

Make sense?

Really good posting. And so much of what you said is what gets so argued against us.

 

[Steinhauer]

I try to put myself in your shoes (and Tyler's shoes) every waking moment. My entire world rotates around my children. Prior to Tyler, I never took a 2nd thought about deafness... but now it's part of my life.

It is part of HIS life

 

[Steinhauer]

Why is it demeaning - is it because of the way it is worded, saying that the deaf are handicapped, etc or is it because from experience, those of you who were born deaf either
1.) do not think CI's work or help

2.) feel that deaf is what you are and that no one should try to change it ?

3.) find the statement that deaf people can't do most jobs to be untrue (I agree with this, I think it is the opposite...there are probably very few jobs that a deaf person CAN'T do)

I am not challenging anyone, I truly am trying to understand.
I obviously need to do some research on CI, HA, all that stuff, because there are so many things I do not know. The way I would probably do things if I were a parent with a child who was deaf or HOH, I would do both...see if oral could be possible, but learn ASL with my child at the same time. Not focus on one more than the other.

My take on this whole thing is that the OP needs to find a forum for parents of deaf children. They can understand where she is coming from, offer sympathy, unquestioning support. However, the people here are the only one's who can tell her what her child is going to face, what he is going to have to deal with in his life, what the effects of a parent's decisions will have on him in the long run - which I would think would be of major importance. Advice she will get plenty of here, but sympathy and warm fuzzy hugs - probably not so much of. Those things will not be of practical use to the most important person, her son.

Also, from what I have noticed, parents sincerely truly looking for advice with an open minded attitude do not get jumped on...it is the one's that come on here saying "I know what you all believe, but I am going to do it this way because I think I am right and F you if you don't like it" They have already made up their mind, and maybe in some warped way are hoping to justify their choices, so they come on here to rub it in, with a passive aggressive approach of course, and the people here see right through it.

why should anyone feel they should change anything about someone else?