Enough is Enough...

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Faire and Grendel, I disagree. As parents we do grieve. We worry about what may happen tomorrow or in a year. We debate every decision that is to be made. We look for blame - why did this happen? Was it something I did wrong? It happens. If it isn't happening now it will happen later when your kids are teased, or when they don't get a job, or when someone questions their abilities. This a natural part of parenthood - grieving what the child misses out on despite the efforts.
 
JennyB said:
Yes, I think it is hard for parents to think about it as a grieving process. It makes them feel like a let down because of course they accept their child 100%, and to many this idea of "grieving" is congruent with this idea of not accepting their child for the way they are. It isn't that at all. You aren't grieving the child, but rather this loss of an ideal you had the entire time you were pregnant and up to diagnosis.
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I agree with Jenny... I did grieve... and somedays I still do.

When we first received Tyler's actual diagnosis at 12 weeks old, I went through emotions... I felt denial, anger, guilt, resentment. I was grief stricken. And this lasted awhile. I tried to keep strong and convey to other family members that Tyler was no different... but it was overwhelming.

Eventually... I came to the realization that Tyler is different... we are all different. That is what makes each of unique. Tyler is happy and healthy and that is all that should matter. I admit somedays I'm still worried about Tyler's future and what road he will lead us on... but I know in my heart, God brought him into our lives for a reason... and I look forward to sharing it with him.

I won't deny the truth... I would love Tyler to share our language - spoken english. But if he chooses otherwise, I will follow him. So, in the meantime, I am providing him with both ASL and english... although he is definetely communicating with ASL right now. We'll have to see what the future holds for Tyler and our family.
 
ryancher said:
I agree with Jenny... I did grieve... and somedays I still do.

When we first received Tyler's actual diagnosis at 12 weeks old, I went through emotions... I felt denial, anger, guilt, resentment. I was grief stricken. And this lasted awhile. I tried to keep strong and convey to other family members that Tyler was no different... but it was overwhelming.

Eventually... I came to the realization that Tyler is different... we are all different. That is what makes each of unique. Tyler is happy and healthy and that is all that should matter. I admit somedays I'm still worried about Tyler's future and what road he will lead us on... but I know in my heart, God brought him into our lives for a reason... and I look forward to sharing it with him.

I won't deny the truth... I would love Tyler to share our language - spoken english. But if he chooses otherwise, I will follow him. So, in the meantime, I am providing him with both ASL and english... although he is definetely communicating with ASL right now. We'll have to see what the future holds for Tyler and our family.
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I appreciate your honesty.
 
JennyB said:
Faire and Grendel, I disagree. As parents we do grieve. We worry about what may happen tomorrow or in a year. We debate every decision that is to be made. We look for blame - why did this happen? Was it something I did wrong? It happens. If it isn't happening now it will happen later when your kids are teased, or when they don't get a job, or when someone questions their abilities. This a natural part of parenthood - grieving what the child misses out on despite the efforts.
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Hi Jenny! You can disagree in that you may have grieved upon learning your child was deaf, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. But you really can't disagree and claim that you know my feelings better than I do :) I didn't grieve upon learning my child was deaf. Some have said they didn't. Some have said they did. Not everyone has the same expectations when it comes to children.

And for some, a characteristic of our child -- whether she has brown eyes or blue, is tall or short, has an aptitude for math or not, is deaf or hearing -- doesn't necessarily bring on feelings of grief or sorrow, especially if we didn't have an expectation of blue eyes, or math genius, or even hearing. I don't feel a sense of loss -- perhaps because my daughter was born deaf and I had nothing to do with that, but maybe a lack of grief would have been the case for me no matter what.
 
Remember the youngest one? She's deaf only in the left ear (unilateral).
 
GrendelQ said:
Hi Jenny! You can disagree in that you may have grieved upon learning your child was deaf, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. But you really can't disagree and claim that you know my feelings better than I do :) I didn't grieve upon learning my child was deaf. Some have said they didn't. Some have said they did. Not everyone has the same expectations when it comes to children.

And for some, a characteristic of our child -- whether she has brown eyes or blue, is tall or short, has an aptitude for math or not, is deaf or hearing -- doesn't necessarily bring on feelings of grief or sorrow, especially if we didn't have an expectation of blue eyes, or math genius, or even hearing. I don't feel a sense of loss -- perhaps because my daughter was born deaf and I had nothing to do with that, but maybe a lack of grief would have been the case for me no matter what.
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Are you the one who adopted your daughter? I can't remember, but I do recall there being a parent around who had adopted their child and for whatever reason I am thinking it was you?

I definitely think that changes the feelings, especially those associated with the blame piece. I was adopted. My adoptive parents never felt the blame piece. I recently met my birth mother and she is going through it all now. I am in my 20's but it is still hard for her to find out about it all now.
 
ryancher said:
Why does it matter what another person has chosen? Everyone has a right to their own opinion and their own choices. What is right for one person, may not be right for another. Cochlear Implants, Hearing Aids, ASL, Oral, SEE... and the list goes on.

Why does it honestly matter? We are all here for the same purpose. I hate the politics!
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politic? there's no politic in here. It challenges your conventional perspective toward deafies and many people didn't like it.

It does matter to us very much if the parents make uninformed decisions based on flawed perspective and understanding of deaf subject.

However - after lengthy fact-finding and thought... and if the parents chose to make informed decision to oral first or CI or whatsoever... that's fine. we support it but our issue is with parents making uninformed decisions and/or having distorted view toward deafies.

ryancher said:
But why tear me or anyone else up for wanting oral first?
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because many of us were oral-first and we're here to tell you that it doesn't work. We're here to tell you of negative impact of it that will happen to your child. Again - many people do not want to hear it because it goes against their conventional thoughts.

hence..... hardship on deafies occurs again and again and again.

ryancher said:
Does anyone know of a supportive online community for parents with deaf/hoh children?
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this forum is more than supportive enough but if you only want to hear what you want to hear - then this is not the right place for you. you are free to leave AD at anytime you want.
 
Wirelessly posted

Dear Ryancher,
I appreciate the spirit in which you are writing it reminds me of my own parents, you sound just like them. My parents were and are very supportive of me. My parents are hearing and I am the only one who is deaf in my family. I was raised oral as my only communication. I had HAs for a while but refused to wear them and eventually discarded them. (The reason - the list is too long and it is not the main point of my post) The main thing that - really want to get across is that I obtained the same ends without all the apparatus as I would have with them. It is just a matter of choice whether you want to use those devices or not but I am telling you the truth, it can be accomplished just as well without then as with them. Sppech therapy? The parents are the best for their child not the therapists. My mother taught me how to speak. The therapist only straighten out my lisp but I taught myself all the workings of the english language by reading. My accomplishments are credited to my love of learning, my appreciation of life, my own determination and my loving family (all of which I received from my parents) and last but definitely not least -my faith.

As for sign language and interacting with the deaf community. If I had access to that at a young age it would have made my road at lot smoother.

Sincerely,

BecLak
 
Wirelessly posted

Dear Ryancher,
I appreciate the spirit in which you are writing it reminds me of my own parents, you sound just like them. My parents were and are very supportive of me. My parents are hearing and I am the only one who is deaf in my family. I was raised oral as my only communication. I had HAs for a while but refused to wear them and eventually discarded them. (The reason - the list is too long and it is not the main point of my post) The main thing that - really want to get across is that I obtained the same ends without all the apparatus as I would have with them. It is just a matter of choice whether you want to use those devices or not but I am telling you the truth, it can be accomplished just as well without then as with them. Sppech therapy? The parents are the best for their child not the therapists. My mother taught me how to speak. The therapist only straighten out my lisp but I taught myself all the workings of the english language by reading. My accomplishments are credited to my love of learning, my appreciation of life, my own determination and my loving family (all of which I received from my parents) and last but definitely not least -my faith.

As for sign language and interacting with the deaf community. If I had access to that at a young age it would have made my road at lot smoother.

Sincerely,

BecLak
 
ryancher said:
As a mother to a severely hoh child, I am appalled at the way people bicker on here!

I came to this site for support, for people who understand and can relate.

Instead... I am constantly reading threads bombarded by people going back and forth arguging about pure nonsense. Not to mention, half of it I don't even understand because it has been ripped apart so much and examined.

Why does it matter what another person has chosen? Everyone has a right to their own opinion and their own choices. What is right for one person, may not be right for another. Cochlear Implants, Hearing Aids, ASL, Oral, SEE... and the list goes on.

Why does it honestly matter? We are all here for the same purpose. I hate the politics!

Tyler is the only person in our family (extended as well) with a hearing loss - obviously I would love him to become oral as that is the primary communication method within our family - but if he doesn't we will all adapt to what works for him. If he prefers ASL... we will learn ASL (we already are). But why tear me or anyone else up for wanting oral first?

The same goes for someone who wants a CI... they obviously have their own reasons, so why tear them up or disregard their feelings/opinions.

I am just so tired of being afraid to post here... or coming here to check on things and instead of receiving support or ideas, I'm constantly reading bickering nonsense.

I'm not from the deaf community... if it wasn't for Tyler, I would still be in the dark. But because of Tyler I am an outsider looking in now... and I will not allow him to be swallowed up in the idea that what we've taught him or raised him is wrong.

Does anyone know of a supportive online community for parents with deaf/hoh children?
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ryancher,

Great post. first if you are looking for a forum with other parents of deaf children, I would suggest the ci circle. Obviously, its main focus is the ci but it is a place heavily populated by other parents of deaf children. Perhaps Grendel and FJ know of some others.

I understand what you are saying regarding your child and from my perspective of a parent of a deaf child now an adult and in grad school, it has been an amazing journey and one that gave us and especially, our daughter opportunities and experiences we and she might not otherwise have had. It has also allowed us to become a part of a deaf community filled with generous, kind and sharing people.

You can obtain information from various sources but actually meeting and being with others who have gone or are going though what you as a parent and/or what your child is going through was very beneficial to us. Take in information from as many sources as you can but always keep your child's interests first and foremost. Also, keep involved in your child's life and monitor his progress. Just because you may have made a decision to pursue one path, keep an open mind to accepting the fact that it ultimately may not be the best one for your child and be willing to change paths if necessary.

Good luck,
Rick
 
iowaboy said:
Hmm. I had no expectations and am glad to have my child as she is, profoundly deaf. One of the larger problems was confronting a grieving extended family and friends- and convincing them there is nothing to grieve. My child will be a happy, normal kid, but she'll communicate a little differently than her peers. There is nothing to grieve.

The worst of it was navigating an adult peer group in denial, or grieving.
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Agree, we were told that after our daughter contracted meningitis that she would not live through the night, so everyday since then truly has been a blessing.
Rick
 
JennyB said:
Are you the one who adopted your daughter? I can't remember, but I do recall there being a parent around who had adopted their child and for whatever reason I am thinking it was you?

I definitely think that changes the feelings, especially those associated with the blame piece. I was adopted. My adoptive parents never felt the blame piece. I recently met my birth mother and she is going through it all now. I am in my 20's but it is still hard for her to find out about it all now.
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That's me, and you are right, it may be why my expectations were so ... unformed, and definitely no blame issues. Wow! Meeting your birth mother--I can't imagine. Good or bad, I wish so much my daughter would have that opportunity, but there's just no way possible given the circumstances. Hoping you are doing OK through all.
 
rockin'robin said:
Shel, awhile back, PFH started a thread about how would you communicate with a deaf child/baby, oral or ASL? And I answered "both"...but you said I was "audist"....or that was "audisim".....I will try to find that thread by PFH...
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Really? Wow! I dont remember. Yes, pls find it so I can see why I said that especially if you said both. That's weird. If I did say that, then I will owe you an apology. I tried to find it but I guess I really cant remember so pls find it. Thank you.
 
Thanks Sallylou!

Many of us late deaf folks share your ideals and ideas.

Though I am late deaf, I am no less deaf. I am also a bit proud. (shrug)

Banjo, I do understand where you are coming from.

Back to topic:
I applaud your efforts to do the best you can with your child. Hang in there. No child or family will fit every solution. You must do what is right for your child, your family and yourself.
We are a varied people. We are different people held together by Deafness, by interests, by lifestyles and by choice. Being Deaf/deaf/hoh does not make us a singular community. Just as you find in any other group, we will all agree or disagree, bicker or agree to disagree. Many ideas will present themselves from such a richness of ideas and diversity. Some ideas are wonderful, others....ehh...that would be up to the reader of these ideas to choose.
Welcome to our wonderful group. I have liked it here and certainly enjoy the ideas and opinions. Hope you will learn to do the same.
 
Banjo-I feel like that late deafened jab was towards me since i posted before you and I don't really appreciate it..but whatever..I never said i don't believe in ASL or that i think every deaf child should grow up oral but think what you want
 
GrendelQ said:
That's me, and you are right, it may be why my expectations were so ... unformed, and definitely no blame issues. Wow! Meeting your birth mother--I can't imagine. Good or bad, I wish so much my daughter would have that opportunity, but there's just no way possible given the circumstances. Hoping you are doing OK through all.
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It is rather surreal, I will admit! It has been good so far and I hope it continues to be!
 
shel90 said:
Really? Wow! I dont remember. Yes, pls find it so I can see why I said that especially if you said both. That's weird. If I did say that, then I will owe you an apology. I tried to find it but I guess I really cant remember so pls find it. Thank you.
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I looked and looked to no avail...PFH started the thread, but I don't remmy the headline.....but do remmy the question....and I replied that I would use both ASL and voice to communicate with a deaf baby/child. And was told that I was "audist".....
Let it go....it's OK...but thanks for responding! No hard feelings...I was just a little confused after reading this thread and for remembering the previous thread that PFH had started.....I know it's hard for a deaf parent to use both vocal and ASL with a deaf child....but those of us who are hearing,HOH, and LD can do that.
Here at home, we are vocal and some ASL...it's worked out for us!
Have a good day, Shel!
 
AliciaM said:
Banjo-I feel like that late deafened jab was towards me since i posted before you and I don't really appreciate it..but whatever..I never said i don't believe in ASL or that i think every deaf child should grow up oral but think what you want
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I was just making an observation and no, it was not directed at you. Nothing personal.
 
Wirelessly posted

JennyB said:
Faire and Grendel, I disagree. As parents we do grieve. We worry about what may happen tomorrow or in a year. We debate every decision that is to be made. We look for blame - why did this happen? Was it something I did wrong? It happens. If it isn't happening now it will happen later when your kids are teased, or when they don't get a job, or when someone questions their abilities. This a natural part of parenthood - grieving what the child misses out on despite the efforts.
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nope, we know what caused my daughter's loss. It was someone's fault, but there is nothing we can do about it now.
 
faire_jour said:
nope, we know what caused my daughter's loss. It was someone's fault, but there is nothing we can do about it now.
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How so?

If it was someone's fault, why is there nothing you can do about it?
 
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