Which is better? Struggling to get by in an isolated area making $24K while feeling lonely, or living an average life in the city on $60K and having many deaf social gatherings to choose from?
Ever packed up a complete auto repair facility with machine, welding and fabrication equipment and packed it from Alaska to DC on the offhand chance that you might maybe possibly find a sustainable job?
Haven't even gotten to the other items like my '69 Coupe DeVille with only 83K original miles on it. Locally, this car is only worth going demo derby in even if it's in showroom condition. Down south, it's worth something. And what of personal effects? You know, stuff like clothing, my equipment (farm tractors, loaders, etc) and then my laboratory would be heavily scrutinized at the border, but I use it for the purification of gold recovery from electronics. If you've ever played with Aqua Regia, then you'd know the amount of care and equipment you need to do it safely.
Yeah, the argument of "Sell it all and buy new on arrival" holds true for most anything, but seriously, would you sell off your entire collection of antiques just to go find a job fixing people's cars? Dubious on that one.
Now let reality sink in a moment.
Yes, $24K and being lonely is a horrid way to exist, I clearly understand this beyond all shadow of a doubt. Yet the housing market there is such that $60K would barely get me into a trailer park. I'd be better off procuring poly-drums and building a 200 sq foot house-boat and drive a motorcycle. No rent on lakes, and things like solar power make it feasible.
My luck with nimrods on the highway is abysmal. I've been hit by cars, trucks, etc as a pedestrian, and this includes cop cars with distracted cop at the wheel talking on the phone and playing with the computer.
So, knowing that I am a magnet for imbeciles on a roadway and putting me in a dense population is clearly a death warrant.
Two words: NOT FEASIBLE.
What I need is what isn't available here. Changing my location isn't going to change the scenario. I do not have the required coping skills as a new deaf (since 11/3/2011) and the people in my community are not making it any easier.
Hell, just a few moments ago, someone who clearly knows that I am deaf, wanted to get access to the pile of junk they made in the corner by this recliner. I asked them if they needed past me. Their lips move and I cannot hear them. I ask them if I am in their way. Again, their lips move and no sound is perceived by me. It's soooooooooo hard to answer such a simple question of yes or no huh? Really sooooooooooo hard that they cannot nod their head for yes or shake it for no. And I press, again "Yes or no?" and they blow their stack at me. Funny how stupid hearing people be huh?
Coping skills?
Suggestions?
The definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect different results.
Ok. So, this begs of a question, because my reality exists in the absence of that theory.
I do different things and get the SAME results. What is that?
I try it all, different variations, different approaches. This applies to all the random people in this podunky town of Wasilla. The amount of stupid tells me that there's something in the water supply and it's causing people to lose their IQ. Shall I refer you to Sarah Palin? What a ditz!
I try writing. I try signing. I try everything. Even if the first words out of my mouth are: "I AM DEAF." I swear I watch their IQ suddenly plummet into the negative integers.
I have no trouble working on things, I have no trouble getting my coat and keys, starting my car, and driving to the hardware store. I have no problems parking the car, walking into the store and getting a shopping cart. I have no trouble walking the isles and putting needed items into the shopping cart and maneuvering around random people. I have no problems putting the purchased items into my vehicle, driving to the work site and utilizing the materials for the job/ task at hand. All of the problems are centered around the drooling idiots that run the cash register and seem to have the desire to ask a gazillion questions. Why is it so difficult to simply run the items across the scanner, show the total accept the cash, and give me change and receipt. No actual words need to be exchanged.
What goes wrong?
They want my phone number.
They want my zip code.
They want me to sign up for a credit card.
They want me to sign up for their in-store "club" card or whatever.
What gives? Why all the questions and procuring of needless information?
If I say "I AM DEAF." I get stupid looks. They keep talking. They actually look like bumbling fools. I then have to say "I am deaf. Deaf means your lips are moving but to my perspective, no sounds are coming out." and then I get really stupid stares.
Or, if I opt to use sign language... they try to talk.
If I carry a pen and tablet to write, they just look at me stupid.
HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
I go through this getting groceries. I go through this to buy lumber. I go through this type of interaction with nearly every encounter in public.
I don't know about any of you, but in this community, surrounded by this type of people whom are so dense that it'd never occur to them that someone could exist as deaf, or blind, or in a wheelchair. It boggles the mind to think that many people were that sheltered.
Now add that family isn't conducive to any positive influence regarding my coping with problems being deaf. These "upstanding" members of the community are no help either.
It also doesn't help that I cannot even trust the cops, as the Police Chief is in cahoots with the "officer" that committed 6 felonies at the scene of the car wreck that permanently disabled my dad and ruined my wrists, caused the never-ending vertigo and in the felonies of this cop, absolved the insurance from paying for medical. Being unemployed and scratching for work at the time means that no money for doctors and specialists have made it exceedingly difficult. Most doctors locally refuse to accept deaf patients.
The most appalling aspect here, which will come as a shocker to everyone in the rest of America is that there are NO "Anti-Discrimination" laws in the Alaska Statutes. Only the ones that apply to Federal Housing Assistance are on the books, and those laws are covered Federal level.
The doctor has the right to discriminate against anyone for any reason with no ramifications for this.
Now, with lazy doctors who refuse to accept "new patients" because the patient is deaf, let alone broke as a joke, toss in the OPEN DISCRIMINATION of the local police force, the fact that I have IN WRITING from the Deputy Director of the Alaska State Troopers that they refuse to do anything about the crimes committed. The Local FBI/and ABI also refuse because they are all scratching each other's n**-***k when it comes to this.
Not to sound too cynical, but my friend Carl recently died in a Medivac helicopter wreck in Talkeetna. Two State Troopers died in the wreck as well. Now if only the rest would go jump in a fire and join them...
The cards are stacked against me. I am not sure if you realize that I can drive 19 solid hours only stopping for fuel and never leave the state driving at highway speeds without ever doubling back on myself. That's just Alaska. Alaska isn't some puny island off the coast of Mexico. It's big. It takes 59 hours to drive from Wasilla to Seattle non-stop. 12 of those hours just to get to the Canadian border.
Now as per the recommendation to pack up and move to a location to fight for a job in a tanked economy, when you are broke, that's a massive undertaking with a huge risk and no guarantees of success.
I have better odds going to work for the drug cartels as a technical adviser to find solutions to border problems for deliver of drugs into the USA.
My moral compass is undecided on that idea.
Tomorrow I have to re-start a massive pile of paperwork with DVR because they lied (typical hearing people here...) and said they would contact me with whatever regarding assistance getting employment. The clock runs out after 6 months and the cycle must be restarted.
If you want to suggest the welfare office: The guy handling my case is my disgustingly estranged grandfather's drinking buddy and was talking about my case to my grandpa and took my drunk grandpa's advice instead of being unbiased or abstaining from the process and passing it to another person.
The result: EVERY GOVERNMENT AGENCY I HAVE DEALT WITH HAS BEEN AN ABYSMAL FAILURE.
There is no help or support for someone in my shoes.
The "local office" for suicide/ emotional intervention- guess how close that is- TRY FAIRBANKS. Yeah. The ONLY one that will deal with or assist deaf people is in Fairbanks. Quite a long walk if you ask me. Guess I better get started?
With any luck I'll be splattered on the highway by some bumbling fool behind the wheel, and with my luck: it'd be a cop talking on a cell phone and reading the newspaper while driving.
Seriously, perspective here?
Aside from the weather getting warmer and sunnier, I'm stuck between a mountain of solid rock and a horde of idiots blocking my chances.
Since I'm not a pot smoker, getting the pilot and crew seriously contact high on a helicopter enough to crash it isn't going to happen. Apparently 2 days after the chopper crashed and completely burned to the ground (middle of nowhere and no fire crew could ever get there...) they found it and it reeked heavily of marijuana. If after a raging inferno of jet fuel in an aircraft wreck two days later it still smelled heavily of pot... man, that's some serious contact high.
Though it's good way to go! Too bad Carl beat me to it!
Yes, I am in a mode of self destruction. Nobody here locally has the mental fortitude to step back and see things the way they are. It's a culture of using people up for their resources and then tossing them into oncoming traffic without any remorse.
Suicidal? yes. Depressed? yes. Know what to do? no. Have money for any of it? no.
