Would like to end a relationship....

VacationGuy234 said:
I'm sure all those people who break up with cancer patients wake up everyday feeling guilt free because there is no hypocrisy in what they did too.

READ the post, it's already known she bought the gifts.

And, LOVE, isn't a 50 inch TV!

You want to know how you avoid making your ex feel like a fool? You don't get in that position in the first place and then back out because it's not convenient for you while disguise it as averting hypocrisy.
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Derek wants to end the relationship with her girlfriend but he isn't sure when it's the right time to tell her. You suggested that he should wait until Xmas is over, didn't you? Some commenters here including me disagree with you because that's not how a relationship like this works. "If you no longer love her, say it to her now!".

I remember watching Judge Judy on TV about a lady who sued her ex-boyfriend who refused to return the expensive gift he got for his birthday after he broke up with her a couple of days later. The verdict was for him to return it to her because he was a hypocrite as Judge Judy said.
 
Who knows...as Derek had not said....IF the g/f feels the same way he does....that the relationship has run it's course and it's best to walk away....and hopefully still be the best of friends if possible.

Still, Derek and the g/f have been together for awhile...and Derek has spent a lot of time with her Parents and family.....Surely, the Parents have treated Derek "as one of their family"....and at Xmas time....family get-togethers make for a Happy time....

I feel that Derek should try to make this break-up as gently as he can....and if the g/f does agree, then all the better....and all in all...it's gonna be a "sad" time for everyone....
 
CrazyPaul said:
Derek wants to end the relationship with her girlfriend but he isn't sure when it's the right time to tell her. You suggested that he should wait until Xmas is over, didn't you? Some commenters here including me disagree with you because that's not how a relationship like this works. "If you no longer love her, say it to her now!".

I remember watching Judge Judy on TV about a lady who sued her ex-boyfriend who refused to return the expensive gift he got for his birthday after he broke up with her a couple of days later. The verdict was for him to return it to her because he was a hypocrite as Judge Judy said.
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You mention relationships like this, which apparently I'm unfamiliar with, care to explain?

You also mentioned making someone look like a fool. Well, since the presents are already bought and invitations have been placed, that goal has been reached. The choices are, make her look like one with her family around or without? I know the choice you would make and I respect that, hopefully, she will too.

Just so you know, Judge Judy is a television show not a court of law. If it makes you happy, all gifts should be returned.
 
In my opinion, we are seeing on side to the story. We haven't heard her side of this situation. I personally, don't know you and her. In general speaking terms, do it now, before it gets worse. I mean, this is wrong month to break up, but if it needs to be done , do it and let her live a life without suffering through the emotional stress IF she's feeling your vibes that you are not interested in her. The sooner the better, and make sure this what you really want! Bec if you start to beg for her back for whatever reason , best to exam this a whole picture not based on surface issues, like learning a language or sports. If you are going to base your life around something that is totally minor that's not being realistic, it takes deeper thought and reasons why to break up. I wish her and you the best in your life good luck!
 
whatdidyousay! said:
I was wondering does your g/f uses this forum too or see you using it? I would think she would know by now how you feel .
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Good point, if she knows he's a member, she can surely read his post if she knows his s/n without being a member. It's like looking through the window without entering.
 
Frisky Feline said:
Break-up is not a gently word at any time.
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or say, "parted" - thats a bit more gentle...so say 'I want us to be parting away...i feel I am no longer attracted to you' no wait, say i am not longer feel i can give affection, the spark is no longer there....' so i want us to part away as freinds, and move on...

something like that


so yeah
there *is a such thing* only it how you phrase it...damn how do you do that in sign???
deaf poeple in deaf culture are extremely blunt...um

...

never mind...
 
Grummer said:
or say, "parted" - thats a bit more gentle...so say 'I want us to be parting away...i feel I am no longer attracted to you' no wait, say i am not longer feel i can give affection, the spark is no longer there....' so i want us to part away as freinds, and move on...

something like that


so yeah
there *is a such thing* only it how you phrase it...damn how do you do that in sign???
deaf poeple in deaf culture are extremely blunt...um

...

never mind...
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WTF? Do you think hearing people are better than deaf people since you mentioned it in red texts? You are so fucking wrong! Many hearing people are worse than deaf people, dumb fuck!.
 
If you really loved or cared about someone before your feelings changed, you would never text them, even call them to say...."I'm not attracted to you anymore. So goodbye!"....

Sit down with her/him....and just say that you feel the relationship isn't working out....and it's best to part ways....that you're sorry.....and would like to remain friends.

Be gentle and understanding of your partner's feelings and emotions....you both will feel the hurt, even the tears....and once your mind is truely made up that you no longer want to remain in the relationship...don't back down....Cut and dry it, but do it in a way that your partner will understand and not feel that you are "slamming them"....

Some ex's will understand...some won't...and say..."what did I do wrong?"...or "what do you mean you don't love me anymore?"....even become angry at you....the emotions run from...love...hate...hurt...anger...and resignation (at last)....some ex's even resort to Stalking....all depends upon their emotional stability/self-esteem...Even some do bodily harm!....

Breaking up is really hard to do when you've been with a person over a long period of time...and expecting to be with him/her for many years, even getting married.....
 
Grummer is only stating that deaf are more forward than hearing. And, this is true as they as ask more personal things more quickly than hearing people do. You usually won't get that type of interaction when you just meet a hearing person.

However, I don't know if the same is true about how they approach breaking up.
 
thanks vacationguy for standing up for me, to clarify, yes that is what I meant.
yeah this is an interetin question though, how well do Deaf people break off? i mean like thus far ive hardly heard of a gentle mutally agreed parting in the deaf community, its nealy always warring and full of drama, sometimes i think its a vain attempt to copy tv for 'real effects' i dunno, but that IS one of my hypothesis...not lets not sway of this topic...stay on the dialogue about how to part with miminal drama, which is exactly what Derek is seeking advice on...or at least we ought to try do our best to try find out what is the best approach...

nothing wrong with bluntness, but its kinda clumsy and hurtful, sometimes vergeful which is unhealthy as we all know it...
Cheers
 
Think about it. If you broke up with someone with Christmas coming up, they'll probably not forgive you and won't want to keep in touch with you.

If you wait until after Holidays, you would break up and possibly stay friends with person.

Our mileage will vary.
 
I am all for doing it in the kindest way but doing it when, or in a way, you think will best benefit you with their friendship after the break-up should not be part of the equation (in my opinion).
 
Journey said:
I am all for doing it in the kindest way but doing it when, or in a way, you think will best benefit you with their friendship after the break-up should not be part of the equation (in my opinion).
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Interesting. Why? Is it not good to break up on good terms?
 
Of course the idea situation is a mutual break-up that leaves you both on good terms with one another. However, you can't 'time' a break up based on your personal desire (or non-desire) to stay friends afterwards. This is ego-centric thinking and based on the assumption that the other will feel the way you do after breaking up. Many people do not want to jump from an intimate relationship to simply a friendship - there are too many feelings to sort through and let go first - that transition takes time and is usually not up to the one who made the move to end the relationship.

If the break up is mutual, then perhaps a friendship of some level can exist. However, if it is not mutual, one of the worst things the other can hear is "I want to break up with you but we still be just friends".

When you break up with someone you have to consider their feelings and do it as kindly as possible without a future agenda for yourself.
 
CrazyPaul said:
WTF? Do you think hearing people are better than deaf people since you mentioned it in red texts? You are so fucking wrong! Many hearing people are worse than deaf people, dumb fuck!.
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Ouch. I think you went a bit far on this.

There's no difference between hearing and deaf people. Both groups have good/bad apples. What Grummer meant is that Deaf cultured people tend to be frank and they don't sugarcoat it. They say things as it is.

Anyway, Derek -

First, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this and trying to find a way to soften the blow for her. However, This might be not what you would like to hear but personally, I think it is a cop-out to wait it a bit longer just because of the timing. I understand that it's Christmas and all, you don't want to appear to be an insensitive jerk (which I don't think u are at least) but you owe it that much to her to deserve the truth. Breaking up isn't easy. If it was, everyone would be able to do it already. I wish you the best.
 
Jolie77 said:
Ouch. I think you went a bit far on this.

There's no difference between hearing and deaf people. Both groups have good/bad apples. What Grummer meant is that Deaf cultured people tend to be frank and they don't sugarcoat it. They say things as it is.
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So do hearing people. What Grummer said is a stereotype. If Grummer is hearing , then it's audism. PERIOD. Deaf people tend to do this or that. That's full of shit! So fucking many hearing people left their lovers without saying goodbye.
 
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