The ex bashing/discussion thread

Robin?

I know it was a nightmare for ALL the kids growing up...my oldest son was VERY protective of me right throughout the whole time...and no, what I say are NOT excuses...if you have NEVER been abused by a man who is supposed to love you, and who brainwashes you, then you will NEVER know or even be able to understand what it's like. Often women like me, or who have copped even worse than me stay in order to SURVIVE...bse they don't know any other way...or because their husbands would kill them and the kids if they leave. Trust me, that happens a LOT more than you think it does!

The fear is just crippling!

As to having my 5 kids, remember what I said about the frog being conditioned? There ARE times where abusers seems so loving and normal.

Maybe you need to read up on domestic violence in order to get some education about it. I'm not trying to be mean nor harsh towards you, but unless and until you've been through it, you will NEVER be able to truly understand what goes on in such a relationship. If you choose to read books on the subject, pay special attention to the "cycle of violence". In fact, have a look at the domestic violence website I'm involved in called "Our Place". That has a lot of resources that educate people about domestic violence.

With utmost respect,

AuslanGirl :)
 
AuslanGirl said:
Robin?

I know it was a nightmare for ALL the kids growing up...my oldest son was VERY protective of me right throughout the whole time...and no, what I say are NOT excuses...if you have NEVER been abused by a man who is supposed to love you, and who brainwashes you, then you will NEVER know or even be able to understand what it's like. Often women like me, or who have copped even worse than me stay in order to SURVIVE...bse they don't know any other way...or because their husbands would kill them and the kids if they leave. Trust me, that happens a LOT more than you think it does!

The fear is just crippling!

As to having my 5 kids, remember what I said about the frog being conditioned? There ARE times where abusers seems so loving and normal.

Maybe you need to read up on domestic violence in order to get some education about it. I'm not trying to be mean nor harsh towards you, but unless and until you've been through it, you will NEVER be able to truly understand what goes on in such a relationship. If you choose to read books on the subject, pay special attention to the "cycle of violence". In fact, have a look at the domestic violence website I'm involved in called "Our Place". That has a lot of resources that educate people about domestic violence.

With utmost respect,

AuslanGirl :)
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Thank you...but no need! Been there and done that and I've also been a volunteer at the shelter....Plus, I've helped friends and acquaintenances over the years, so I've seen a lot.

Again, wish you the best of health and well-being....and my question remains: Have your children received any therapy for the years of being abused?...What are their feelings towards their father for abusing you and them for 15 years?....Were they not removed from the home? Were questions asked at school?...Were they taken to the doctor/hospital for injuries....did you or your husband, or the children LIE about how they received their injuries?...How do you feel the abuse affected your children?

And...if you could do it all over again...would you have still stayed with your husband for 15 years? Even tho' he was a sick man, would you do it all over again?
 
I have to say that mental & emotional abuse needs to be addressed at some domestic abuse clinics & shelters.

I left my ex with my son in 2003, I went immediately to get an order of protection. I told the social worker that my ex rarely put his hands on me. There was only one time he actually laid his hands on me in anger, and he shook me by my shoulders leaving bruises on my upper arms. But he did constantly yell at me, making me & my son terrified of him. Or he'd tell me that I was stupid and worthless, lowering my self esteem keeping me there under his thumb.

She looked at me and said that she could not approve an order of protection cause everything I said was hearsay and therefore no way of proving it. Even throwing books & overturning furniture was considered physically abusive enough. My ex was more physical with my son than me, but the didn't qualify. I needed multiple physical incidents against me to meet the requirements.

The same social worker suggested that I should go and get some counseling. So I went to the county run abuse center. And joined a group of abused women. I sat there with women telling their horrifying stories of physical abuse and one woman who had just gotten out of the hospital. One woman's husband had beaten her so badly she was in a coma for 2 months.
Then it came to me, with my emotional & mental abuse. All the women including the social worker (not the original one) looked at me like I was crazy. After the group broke for the night the social worker pulled me aside and asked me not to come back. According to her I was upsetting the others by making up stories of assumed domestic violence.
 
Oh, my god.

Emotional abuse, imo, is far worse than physical abuse. I'm SO sorry you went through this. The social worker should have been fired.
 
Yeah...in many ways, the emotional abuse is WAY worse than physical abuse...it's one thing to say "my H beat the snot outta me the other day", but when you say "He yelled at me and told me I was an f'ing bitch", it sounds "mild" even though the reality is that it is WORSE than it sounds.

It sounds like you had a really rough time with the abuse centre, there, Julie! That's just disgusting the way they treated you! Who were those people to tell YOU what constituted worse domestic violence or to say what actually constituted it at all? Sheesh! Sounds like that place needs to be educated BIG time!

AuslanGirl :)

To answer your questions, Robin, my kids had some counselling for all that they went through...most of it was directed at me-not them, but they saw a fair bit of it. When I took the kids and went to the shelter, they had counselling while I was there, and even afterwards, they had some. After a couple of sessions, the boys decided they didn't need anymore, and refused to go, but my daughter continued, and even had some counselling at her school.

The relationship b/t the kids and my h is totally mended and healed now. When we reconciled, my oldest son actually warned his dad that he'd better behave himself and not hurt me or else! Which was amazing to me as he'd never said this before. The kids were never asked anything at school, they had no injuries on them-EVER.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd have gotten out a LOT earlier and stayed out until he got help. But I didn't know then what I found out when I left him.
 
AuslanGirl said:
Yeah...in many ways, the emotional abuse is WAY worse than physical abuse...it's one thing to say "my H beat the snot outta me the other day", but when you say "He yelled at me and told me I was an f'ing bitch", it sounds "mild" even though the reality is that it is WORSE than it sounds.

It sounds like you had a really rough time with the abuse centre, there, Julie! That's just disgusting the way they treated you! Who were those people to tell YOU what constituted worse domestic violence or to say what actually constituted it at all? Sheesh! Sounds like that place needs to be educated BIG time!

AuslanGirl :)

To answer your questions, Robin, my kids had some counselling for all that they went through...most of it was directed at me-not them, but they saw a fair bit of it. When I took the kids and went to the shelter, they had counselling while I was there, and even afterwards, they had some. After a couple of sessions, the boys decided they didn't need anymore, and refused to go, but my daughter continued, and even had some counselling at her school.

The relationship b/t the kids and my h is totally mended and healed now. When we reconciled, my oldest son actually warned his dad that he'd better behave himself and not hurt me or else! Which was amazing to me as he'd never said this before. The kids were never asked anything at school, they had no injuries on them-EVER.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd have gotten out a LOT earlier and stayed out until he got help. But I didn't know then what I found out when I left him.
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You are mistaken. They will never get over it. They may say so now to survive. But they will carry the effects as old people.

I know from experience. But I am never mentioning it again, so no need to respond to me.
 
Agree, Botts.....I, too, remember it vividly, it can never be erased from my memory....And what I'm trying to convey...is that if someone is in a situation where there is abuse, to get out immediately!...Do not remain, especially if there are children, as it scars them for life, no doubt about it!

If a woman prefers to stay with the abuser in that situation, and has children, then at least, get the children out of it. No if's or but's...no excuses!

If the Shelter is the only place to go, then go....the woman can be helped to find a place to live, even employment. There are also many organizations that help battered women.

My heart aches for these 5 children. They are lucky to be alive...
 
Bottesini said:
You are mistaken. They will never get over it. They may say so now to survive. But they will carry the effects as old people.

I know from experience. But I am never mentioning it again, so no need to respond to me.
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I know this to be true. Here's an example you might be familiar with:

DARREN HAYES - yeah the former frontman for Savage Garden. He grew up with an alcoholic and abusive father that often beat on his mother. He's written songs about his experience and from what little I know when his mother left his father for good when he was 9, he didn't speak to his dad for over a decade. I think they tried reconciliation for a short time but there were too many hard feelings still there that it couldn't work. He stated once that his dad had gotten sober but nothing about an apology for his behavior. Darren is the middle of 3 siblings, he is very very close to his older sister. For years Darren struggled with his self-esteem and depression but finally he got the help and counseling he needed, now he's happier than he's ever been and he's enjoying life. He's happily married to Richard Cullen since July 2007 and he's getting ready to release a new album within the next couple of months.

Some songs you should listen to that give you an insight to what he feels about it and how he's dealt with it:
Two Beds And A Coffee Machine - Savage Garden - Affirmation (1998)
Neverland - Darren Hayes - This Delicate Thing We've Made (2007)
Boy - Darren Hayes - no specific album but I think it was released as an online bonus track to TDWM.

So this stuff had stayed with him for well over 20 years now and I think it will continue to bother him in certain areas of his life but with counseling I think he has learned it's not his fault and that his father's actions had nothing to do with him but rather it was due to his alcohol abuse and mental state. To this say Darren does not like to drink alcohol because he his so afraid that he will become like this father and he doesn't want that. He wants to end the cycle.

Personally I'm proud of Darren and after learning that he literally grew up in Hell I have to admire him even more for rising above the odds and has done quite well for himself.

I'm just glad I out from the marriage before Maddie was old enough to remember the abuse but I think one thing has lingered, she does not like men with facial hair. For a short time after the divorce anytime she saw a man with facial hair she would start crying so I am thinking there was something that happened that I never knew about. I will never know and I prefer not to know now that he is forever out of our lives.
 
AuslanGirl said:
Robin?


As to having my 5 kids, remember what I said about the frog being conditioned? There ARE times where abusers seems so loving and normal.
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AuslanGirl said:
To answer your questions, Robin, my kids had some counselling for all that they went through...most of it was directed at me-not them, but they saw a fair bit of it. When I took the kids and went to the shelter, they had counselling while I was there, and even afterwards, they had some. After a couple of sessions, the boys decided they didn't need anymore, and refused to go, but my daughter continued, and even had some counselling at her school.

The relationship b/t the kids and my h is totally mended and healed now. When we reconciled, my oldest son actually warned his dad that he'd better behave himself and not hurt me or else! Which was amazing to me as he'd never said this before. The kids were never asked anything at school, they had no injuries on them-EVER.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd have gotten out a LOT earlier and stayed out until he got help. But I didn't know then what I found out when I left him.
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First part...no matter how normal and loving he was in the good times, didn't seeing your face in the mirror with bruises, the terrified looks on the children's faces, etc. kind of make you think something ain't right? I mean, all the movies, books, TV shows on this topic, and somehow you didn't see YOU in this?

Second part; your oldest son, by making the type of comment he made, tells me he has ZERO respect for the H. By being exposed to this for his entire life, he is so much more likely to keep the abuse going when HE gets married. What will you do when you see your daughter in law with bruises? How many years will it be brushed under the rug before the signs are too obvious?

I am disturbed by these stories of abuse, but yours hit a deeper part of me because of all those kids. I hope they realize, when they are adults, that they must get treated for this.

Oh, and the H doing so much better now; are you POSITIVE? Is this just another of those "normal and loving" episodes before the next rage over a broken dish?

I really hope those kids are treated. I really hope you can find a way to forgive yourself for allowing them to be exposed to this for their entire lives. I really hope the H finds God and repents for his boatload of mistakes. They turn the heat up a bit higher for guys like him "down there" in Heck.
 
Wel, gee, Say What!! Thanks SO much for your judgmentalism and condemnation!

Unless and until YOU have been what I've been through don't you DARE judge me, okay??

Unless and UNTIL you have walked in MY shoes AND those of my children, don't YOU DARE to tell ME what I did wrong, k???

Look to your OWN self, and don't judge what YOU have NO clue about!!!!

Get a frickin LIFE!!!

When you have become ME and been born as ME and had MY kids and married MY husband and went through all that I went through...then and ONLY then wqould I EVER listen to your self righteous rantings...

Til then...GET STUFFED!!!

AuslanGirl :(

PS Don't even bother answering this, k?

YOUR nasty, self righteous attitude is WJHY so many domestic viomece victims neve come forward...you'd make a GREAT police officer or DHS worker...bse you are so frigging self righteous!!!
 
Same goes for you, Robin!! You say you went through the same thing as me? Well, gee, I wouold have expected you to understand where I was coming from! But nope...you are4 just as self rightoues and condemning...people like YOU are EXACTLY why domestic violence victims don't come forward very often!!!

BIG hearty hand clap to YOU for being one of the reasons that domestic violence victims stay in their prisons and DON'T get help! Hope you are proud of yourself!!!!
 
AuslanGirl said:
Wel, gee, Say What!! Thanks SO much for your judgmentalism and condemnation!

Unless and until YOU have been what I've been through don't you DARE judge me, okay??

Unless and UNTIL you have walked in MY shoes AND those of my children, don't YOU DARE to tell ME what I did wrong, k???

Look to your OWN self, and don't judge what YOU have NO clue about!!!!

Get a frickin LIFE!!!

When you have become ME and been born as ME and had MY kids and married MY husband and went through all that I went through...then and ONLY then wqould I EVER listen to your self righteous rantings...

Til then...GET STUFFED!!!

AuslanGirl :(

PS Don't even bother answering this, k?

YOUR nasty, self righteous attitude is WJHY so many domestic viomece victims neve come forward...you'd make a GREAT police officer or DHS worker...bse you are so frigging self righteous!!!
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:(
 
I won't answer anyone directly, so this is to the Internet air. When you are in a violent relationship for many many years, with children, you need to consider that those children have no way out on their own. They need the parents or other adults to get them out. To stay in a relationship that exposes them to violence, to hide the violence from other adults, and to expect that there is no permanent damage is not very realistic.
I came to this thread to gain some insight into how people feel about exes. I leave it with a very troubled heart. Very disturbing stories.
 
Well. to be more "blunt"....I adopted 3 boys who went thru domestic violence, drugs and alcohol with their parents....so, yes, Auslangirl...I know first hand how it affects children, and my oldest boy is 19, one is 16 and one is 14....they still, after 10 years of adopting them, suffer consequences of their turbulant home life with their natural parents.

You can "defend" your husband all you want since he was and is a "sick man".....but you cannot defend "yourself" for subjecting 5 children to endure this abuse for 15 years!

There is such a thing called "birth control"! And we, as parents, are here to protect our children, not abuse them or let anyone else abuse them. Which is just what you did.

:wave:
 
rockin'robin said:
Well. to be more "blunt"....I adopted 3 boys who went thru domestic violence, drugs and alcohol with their parents....so, yes, Auslangirl...I know first hand how it affects children, and my oldest boy is 19, one is 16 and one is 14....they still, after 10 years of adopting them, suffer consequences of their turbulant home life with their natural parents.

You can "defend" your husband all you want since he was and is a "sick man".....but you cannot defend "yourself" for subjecting 5 children to endure this abuse for 15 years!

There is such a thing called "birth control"! And we, as parents, are here to protect our children, not abuse them or let anyone else abuse them. Which is just what you did.

:wave:
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I know you speak from experience. I did not try to be judgmental. I think I was supposed to read and say nothing. Maybe offer some sympathy. Sorry, those kids had a chance to escape this horror, but the parents blocked the escape routes. If it had been a couple of years, maybe 5, I would certainly feel different. But it was much longer; in the case of one child it was nearly his entire childhood up until nearly adulthood. What chance does this boy have of being non-violent?
Good post. I gotta let this topic slide before I get too disturbed over the situations that are being described. The emotions on both sides are way up there.
 
Heard from my old boss. She wanted to let me know about a family that is back in the shelter. Mother and 4 children. Kids ranging in ages from 12-17. They have endured years of emotional and mental abuse from their father. Mother was beaten again. this time, the neighbor's heard and called 911. This was going on from the time these kids were born. Mother has been in and out of the shelter 6 times. Father, it has been found out, had undiagnosed bi-polar. Medicine was finally given and he seemed to be doing well. I have been gone from my job for 4 years now, and she has just come back into the shelter. The kids got there before her. She spent 3 weeks in the hospital due to her injuries. These kids, right now, all look like nothing is wrong, but they are suffering. The older ones are beginning to act out and have asked for help. All 4 kids are now in intensive therapy with residential treatment. Father was arrested and charged with 8 different charges including attempted murder and child endangerment.

Rockin' Robin - I commend you for what you have both gone through yourself and for what you are doing for those boys of yours.
 
My oldest boy went to a residential treatment center for 6 months, learning coping skills for his anger, and violent outbursts....the other 2, to a psychologist. All 3 showed signs of inner anger, and the youngest one, is emotionally shattered....They are doing pretty well today, episodes do come and go....
My home is drama-free, we have animals to cuddle. Kids can relate to animals better than to adults at times.
 
rockin'robin said:
My oldest boy went to a residential treatment center for 6 months, learning coping skills for his anger, and violent outbursts....the other 2, to a psychologist. All 3 showed signs of inner anger, and the youngest one, is emotionally shattered....They are doing pretty well today, episodes do come and go....
My home is drama-free, we have animals to cuddle. Kids can relate to animals better than to adults at times.
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I quoted not to judge but to air a thought I always had.

My son has ADHD w/anger & authority issues. I always thought that his emotional & mental abuse when he was little created his issues now. My ex has 'poo-pooed' my fears.
I got my son out of direct influence/abuse when he was 6. I gave up psychical custody of him when he was 8, due to 'advice' from a CPS lawyer & multiple CPS reports against me.
His issues had receded while I had physical custody. But came back in force when that switched. My ex actually accused me of brainwashing him against him. My ex's fiancee supported me in that argument.
Now that my son is 13 his issues have subsided some, but not totally. He is still under emotional & mental abuse. But he has a good support system in his school & with me. Also his father is medicated for his bi-polar. so that helps alot.
 
Sorry for the long post BUT...LOL

ahhh....I am back to bitch LOL. But this time it's about my recent ex-boyfriend. We dated for almost 5 yrs. Here some back story:
First problem; I have never met any of his family or friends. And last year I borrowed a camera from him and found some pics of him with another woman. In some of them he is kissing this woman. His excuse? He told me that this woman was his sister's college friend and the pics of him kissing her were to "freak my sister out". I have many male friends, and there are no pictures of me kissing any of them.
He's has agoraphobia. So he's more comfortable in his 'safe zone', which happens to be Queens county. If I didn't IM/text or call him for an extended period of time he will get really upset & paranoid. Two times before I was unable to contact him. He would go off the deep end. And after having some bad arguments he said that he'd give me one last chance.
So, my birthday has just passed in April. And at this time he had told me that he's taking care of his ill Grandmother. So I told him on the Thursday before that I knew he was busy but some short call would be great. I heard nothing...no IM...no text...no call. Upset, I didn't try to contact him. Then I got really busy at work, we were getting ready to go to a local gaming convention called ICON. Months before, I told him that I'd be wiped working my store's booth at the convention, so I'd most likely not be on. I finally let my hurt go and IM'd him the Tuesday after the convention, no answer. I am continuously trying to contacting him and almost 4 weeks go by and I haven't gotten any IM back. On May 9th, I wasn't feeling well so I didn't IM him. The next night I had just gotten on the computer after seeing my son for dinner. And I get this very cryptic IM from him saying "I guess ya have given up. Ya dropped of the face of the Earth for the last time."
Confused, I answered back saying I was there every night. He said that I there was a 9 day period where he didn't hear from me. Now even more confused I wracked my brain to remember any time period like that. Finally after going back and forth for a while I realized he was talking about the week of my birthday! Now I am angry cause he hurt me, and I felt I was in the right to be upset about this! I told him the reason why I didn't contact him, and yes it was petty and I knew it would piss him off. He insisted that he had texted me, but I never answered back. I never do that. I checked my phone & there is nothing on my phone from March 21th - April 24th. So I decided to concede a bit and said that this whole argument was about a miscommunication. He didn't want to hear it, but he calmed down. Then out of the blue he says he wants to come out to see me, but he didn't want to talk about everything face-to-face, since the argument was over at that time. I was still upset and I wasn't sure I could meet up with him. Finally, I agreed and he said he would be leaving shortly and he got off the computer. Somewhat relived I hopped into the shower, and I left my computer on with my cell next to it.
When I got back, there was a couple of IMs from him saying that he had texted me. I looked at my cell and again no text. He said it was strange, and that there must be something wrong with my phone. Continuing, he said that his boss called to say that his (the boss's) wife was sick and he had to bring his wife to the ER. That would mean he would have to go into work early, so our meeting would have to be another night. His exact words were: "I am going to have to cancel for tonight. I really wanted to meet up for one last time. But it will have to be another night."
One last time? I felt like I was slapped in the face. When I questioned the 'one last time' comment he said "Well, I am still pissed and I am not sure if we can continue like this." Speechless and emotionally drained, I couldn't comment on that, so I let it go. We agreed that we'd get together the next night and we said goodnight.
I get on the next night, and again there is no answer. Every night this continues for a week and a half. Finally I decide I can't deal with the stress of him holding our relationship over my head anymore. And on May 24th, 2 weeks after the original argument, I IM him breaking it off. I delete his info on my computer & phone and shut down the computer.
The next morning I get onto computer to check my email, and I see that there is a IM conversation I received @ 3am from him. All it said was "So my assumptions were correct, you found someone else."
I had to read it twice to make sure I read it correctly and then I burst into ......gales of belly laughs. By the time I stopped laughing I had tears in my eyes. And I thought, "Gods, ya dated me for almost 5 yrs! If ya really knew me you'd know that I don't do that! And if you had any questions about me finding another, ya should have ASKED! I would have eased the fear. But no, ya didn't and in the end ya lost." And it was at that point that I was convinced he was trying to 'use' reverse psychology on me. I was either the other woman from the beginning or he had found another. And he was trying to guilt me. I ignored it and went on with my day.
That Thursday I had some old friends visiting, and I knew I was going to be in good company. The dinner was ok. But the conversation & the karaoke bar was like a blast from the past. After 6 drinks I decided that I'd crash at my friend's house that was the closest to the bar.
I went to work the next day, thinking everything was over & done with. LOL nope...On my break I was able to check my email....and again there is an IM conversation waiting for me. This time it said "I knew you couldn't answer that question." Shaking my head, I say to myself; "The first IM wasn't a question, it was a statement!"
That was the last time I had gotten anything from him. Maybe he has finally given up. We shall see.....I might need a giggle in the future. :dunno:
 
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