Social Skills

[deafbajagal]

I have basically lost all of my hearing friends that I have had for the last upteen years. They basically told me that since I can't hear them, it's not worth their time to work with me to hear them. Now, that tells me that they were not real friends and I guess I can deal with that. It hurts, but I am dealing with it. Due to my family, I am unable to get more involved with the deaf community here. So, I try to get out some, and I do go to a mall to walk around some, but mostly, I stay home. I will go do errands and shopping as needed, and I am trying to get back into church, but it's not easy (not set up for deaf or hearing loss).

In school, I was always very social in that I was the person people could talk to. They knew they could trust me to not repeat things. Mainly because I didn't hear them well enough to know what was being said.

Right now, the only people that would really notice if I wasn't around, would be family and friends both at home and online. That's sad. I don't quite know how to rectify it, so I just deal with it.

C'est la vie

I'm curious- how do you communicate? I do know that it is really important that you are able to have time for yourself to develop new friendships for support. Even if it's just one night a month, go and do meet people. They may be able to even point you to a church that has support for d/hh that you may not have known about, etc.

 

[deafbajagal]

I still enjoy being a hermitess. It is natural for me. I have always been that way except for a small (decade) time in my late teens and early 20's.
After I lost my hearing it took some time to come back up to what is normal for me, but now its back ok. I lost lots of hearing "friends" and it took time to make new ones. A transitional community didnt help. We live in a town that has a base and a university.
What I am saying is - if this behaviour isnt your norm then do what you can to correct it on your own terms. Jillio is a great help, and treating yourself to some quiet time isnt bad unless you over do.
Hope you feel much better soon. Good luck and hope your new year is much better.

Thank you

 

[nobody456]

@tigersharkdude: We have some mirroring coincidences as far as timelines and loss of life goes. I'm 25 now, but I will tell you it does get easier to make friends with peers as you get older. Sometimes I'll go through a identity crisis phase...like "why me?" but seriously, I'm as unique as anybody else and there's a real reason for someone to not be friends with you, they just haven't discovered what life can be like yet.

 

[deafbajagal]

For about six months-a year I had constant, chronic stress that tore me down and changed me a lot. I also took a lot more risk and drank more alcohol. I also had problems with visual sensitivity. The signs were there so I wanted to address it. It's been a little over a year since I started to address it with the regular MD and family members. I was not a happy camper. So I was given two sets of meds.

I had the same fears of being dependent on meds. 1 med was designed for a low-dosage, every day use (anxiety/depression). Another med was for anxiety attacks, or just apprehensiveness (anxiety, kind of like a temporary tranquilizer but highly addictive). I tried different combinations of eating, exercising and taking the meds. I think the longer term meds were the worst thing because it felt like it screwed up my moral compass. Sure it help a bit in terms of staying on the "bright" side even though you couldn't really feel the intensity of life (I hope this makes sense..). Then there are the temporary "tranquilizers". Whenever I would feel apprehensive, anxious about a social situation or I feel really stressed about something, I'd pop one or two of those.

Over the past year, I've felt a lot better- more optimistic and back to my old self. But wow, Christmas with relatives that I don't really know and can't hear very well....yuck...overall, Christmas was super stressful. I felt fatigued and very tired the next few days. I didn't have my medication refilled for months and put in a order today.

I think there's two types of stress and chronic is the really bad kind. Temporary stress is ok, but when it becomes constant and induces behavior you normally wouldn't do, it's probably chronic. I'd try to find the source of your stress and try to not let it dominate your life. It was hard for me to change because the stress I was facing was at work and it's difficult to ignore people/problems that were around then.

I'm not sure if you're "Losing" social skills, maybe your brain is pre-occupied with something else and aren't really accessing those skills normally. .

Thank you for sharing. It was helpful for me because it reminded me that if I did have to resort to medication (which I do try to avoid), then it's okay. Sometimes medication does help us cope with extreme stress.

Several people who are close to me have mentioned I'm really much, much different than usual...almost as if I had a personality change or something. I didn't know what to make of it, but in retrospect, I know they are right. I simply have to find different ways to deal and cope with my issues.

I hope things get better for you soon. Hang in there.

 

[nobody456]

Thank you for sharing. It was helpful for me because it reminded me that if I did have to resort to medication (which I do try to avoid), then it's okay. Sometimes medication does help us cope with extreme stress.

Several people who are close to me have mentioned I'm really much, much different than usual...almost as if I had a personality change or something. I didn't know what to make of it, but in retrospect, I know they are right. I simply have to find different ways to deal and cope with my issues.

I hope things get better for you soon. Hang in there.

AD people try to help each other out so I hope I can too.

yeah, just be careful with the meds as they changed me in different ways than stress alone (much more predictable). My doctor wasn't all that helpful either. Didn't seem to care or think about the depths of the problems of what I face. Gave me meds and an appointment to see a psych but didn't go. I wanted to avoid it. Still do. I try to convince myself that I don't have any abnormal problems that can't be dealt with on my own or with really really close friends/family members. Then again, the source of all that really bad stress was from work so it was "easy" to tackle that problem.

It takes time too. So try a variety of things to help you relax and feel comfortable again.

 

[KristinaB]

I speak when needed, I read lips a little. I have pen & paper always handy. I know just a little ASL.

Deaf social is during the day and MIL is always scheduling her appointments for that day. I have asked and asked her to choose a different day, but she says, after 30 years of having them on the same day, she is not changing. (I have to drive her, she no longer drives). I do go to the deaf movie night once a month, but since I don't know enough ASL, they do not try to communicate with me. I have tried, but I am left feeling like I am an intrusion. Searching for 1 1/2 years, there is no church within 30 miles with any service for the d/hh. When I asked at the deaf club, they said there was not one in the area and 90% of them are Jewish and go to temple as their "service" never changes. That's the word from them. There is a deaf coffee chat twice monthly just south of here, but it's on the same night and the same time as MIL's weight loss group, only 15 miles apart, so I can't get to that.

I really have been looking and searching and sometimes it feels like I am just really bothering the Deaf Service Center too much, but they have said there isn't much here.

 

[deafbajagal]

Hmmm, well, let me think on this. Do you have a videophone? Perhaps you can call some of us AD'ers and start with that? Mine is in a box, otherwise I'd be the first one.

 

[deafbajagal]

AD people try to help each other out so I hope I can too.

yeah, just be careful with the meds as they changed me in different ways than stress alone (much more predictable). My doctor wasn't all that helpful either. Didn't seem to care or think about the depths of the problems of what I face. Gave me meds and an appointment to see a psych but didn't go. I wanted to avoid it. Still do. I try to convince myself that I don't have any abnormal problems that can't be dealt with on my own or with really really close friends/family members. Then again, the source of all that really bad stress was from work so it was "easy" to tackle that problem.

It takes time too. So try a variety of things to help you relax and feel comfortable again.

I can tell you're one of the cools dudes on here. I'm glad you're able to recognize the signs and is man enough to deal with it head on.

 

[tigersharkdude]

Is it possible for you to find a whole new circle? I'm sorry people were really harsh to you, especially when you were young.

Ive tried finding new people, but it seems that everyone I meet is in to drinking and doing drugs. I tried meeting new people at church and encountered a problem there. I ran across two types of people, 1) snobby and think they are better than you and 2) people my age who dont comprehend the fact that I cant hear.

I will say I like to be around people who are older than me, as I am very mature for my age. Again most of the people I have met fall into the same categories as above.

 

[nobody456]

Ive tried finding new people, but it seems that everyone I meet is in to drinking and doing drugs. I tried meeting new people at church and encountered a problem there. I ran across two types of people, 1) snobby and think they are better than you and 2) people my age who dont comprehend the fact that I cant hear.

I will say I like to be around people who are older than me, as I am very mature for my age. Again most of the people I have met fall into the same categories as above.

heh. My stepdad is super hardcore christian and know exactly what you're talking about. Nobody is superior or inferior.

I tend to prefer to hang out with older people too; not as prejudiced or valuing such useless things in life. I mean it's cool to have vices that aren't dangerous or damages relationships.

Depending on how easy it is to uproot your life, may want to consider another environment. I know I am.

 

[nobody456]

I can tell you're one of the cools dudes on here. I'm glad you're able to recognize the signs and is man enough to deal with it head on.

:P

for the most part

Thanks for the vote of support though

 

[deafbajagal]

Ive tried finding new people, but it seems that everyone I meet is in to drinking and doing drugs. I tried meeting new people at church and encountered a problem there. I ran across two types of people, 1) snobby and think they are better than you and 2) people my age who dont comprehend the fact that I cant hear.

I will say I like to be around people who are older than me, as I am very mature for my age. Again most of the people I have met fall into the same categories as above.

Is moving to a new location possible?

 

[tigersharkdude]

Is moving to a new location possible?

Not at all possible. I live here with my mom and brother. My mom and myself are really big family people and all of our family lives with in an 2 hours.

If I could move, I would love to move to Chicago, I absolutely love it up there

 

[AlleyCat]

This is a good thread. I can relate with many of you on many different levels/ways. I think a lot of my social behavior (avoiding going out sometimes) is largely due to the deaf+hearing situations I fall in. I acknowledge I put that on myself because my SO is hearing, and all of his friends are as well. He has made tremendous strides in his sign language learning, and his friends are trying too, but it makes for a social outing in which I've got to do a lot of work to keep up. Some days/nights I'm just not up for it.

 

[deafbajagal]

For those of us who are isolated for whatever reasons (we all have different factors/reasons), what is the solution? What can we do to make sure that we are getting the social life that we need and deserve? Especially if we don't have the support in our immediate living environment. Apparently it affects more people than I realized.

 

[Oceanbreeze]

For those of us who are isolated for whatever reasons (we all have different factors/reasons), what is the solution? What can we do to make sure that we are getting the social life that we need and deserve? Especially if we don't have the support in our immediate living environment. Apparently it affects more people than I realized.

I've used the internet. I know it's not ideal, but, it has kept me from going absolutely bonkers. Also, just going to a mall and people watching may be an option. No, you're not out necessarily having a good time, but you're out in public. You force yourself out of the house, or in my case, even out of bed. There was a time when doing really simple things was extremely hard. I was overwhelmed by such an anxiety that I had to set small goals for myself just to be functional. In truth, I'm not exactly where I want to be, but, I'm a lot better than I used to be. I admit that some of my advice might be for those who have more serious issues than some of you, but, it does work. So, with that said.

people watching, going to the grocery store (you'd be surprised who you run into), going to a library, going to anywhere where there's PEOPLE.

For the deaf: Maybe hitting a deaf social? Joining a deaf bowling league, if that's your thing? Meeting a friend for coffee. It doesn't have to be REAL big like attending a party (something I would find overwhelming and frightening as hell!).

Hope this helps!

 

[BecLak]

After reading the latest posts since my last entry, I feel compelled to 'practice what I teach'. I hope the following will not only be helpful to DBG, but also some others as well. I am going to do this for myself too.

Habits cannot be broken overnight. It is said that it takes 21 consistent days to break an old habit and create a new one.

1. Figure out what goal you want to achieve.

2. Find a goal-buddy (It is easier if you have someone who will do exactly the same thing together with you). But it works well with just 'me, myself and I'too.

3. Strive for your goal, gradually and in stages. Don't give up on the first try.
Rarely are you able to reach a life-changing goal the very first time. It is a gradual process. (For example, say you have been in the habit of waking up in the morning at 10am and you now wish to start waking up at 5:30am. And you then wake up at 8am the next morning, don't consider this a failure and give up, but rather see it as progress and work on conditioning your body clock for earlier the next morning until you are able to reach your goal time of 5:30am.)

4. Do whatever it takes to achieve that goal. If one method does not work, try another and another until you find what works for you.

5. Be consistent once achieving your goal. It then becomes habit.

 

[Grummer]

i find this thread really inspiring and sad fact my family are bunch of assholes, except 2 sisters who have compassion and seek to understand where im from , not to what they 'prefer to understand'...i will read it all again tmw, im just so tired, but just travelled back from Parents home for xmas...what a journey..good to see craigm, alleycat,kristina, bajagal, etc etc all sharing I will try my best to see if i can relate (and in a wierd way many of which will be on my 'list-to-try' with my family as time is moving and Id hate to failed them or myself if i'd never try bridge between worlds and also to make my own life better (as well as the Deaf community to which i am now move involved with - and i like it)... will post again soon Cheers
p.s. im on the meds too, its been a long road to recovery and its not not finished...and still studying....

 

[shel90]

For those of us who are isolated for whatever reasons (we all have different factors/reasons), what is the solution? What can we do to make sure that we are getting the social life that we need and deserve? Especially if we don't have the support in our immediate living environment. Apparently it affects more people than I realized.

Maybe that's why I dont have as much desire to go out and socialize as before because I have a great support system in my immediate living environment with my hubby, brother, and his girllfriend.

However, since Thursday, I have been social almost daily. Christmas Day, we went to my in-laws and I have to say that it wasnt too bad with all the hearing people..maybe his family is getting used to my needs and making an effort or I am just getting used to their ways, Sunday...my daughter flew here and we all spent all night chatting with her, my hubby, brother, and his girlfriend, and yesterday 4 of my friends came over with their kids and we had an awesome time dancing to Wii and playing Yatzee all night. Tmw, I am going tubing with some of my good friends, Thursday..my best friend from PA will be coming with her kids, Friday..not sure, Sat..my hubby and I may go and see my friend (she is a singer of a band) perform at one of the local bars, and then on Sunday, my hubby and I are going to the Ravens football game.

I think I prefer those kinds of social outings or gatherings over large Deaf socials.

 

[shel90]

Maybe a solution would be to have small social outings with people you are fully comfortable with?