Should I leave my husband?

steph9700

steph9700

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He is refusing to help me with anything that involves my parents and he is drinking more every night than he ever has. My mother died in March and my Dad died in June. They left with no insurance to pay anything off or any way to pay any other bills including their funerals except from the military benefits. Every time I ask him to help me or find some one to help me he says all his friends and co workers want their days off for themselves that they want it to be with their families not helping move a bunch of stuff out of a dead couples home. I found a storage place and I have a lock on it. I have about a third of it moved but still need help finishing it up. most everything that has been done is what I have done myself with some help from a few of my friends. He has gotten to where he calls me stupid and lazy and a bitch and says I need to get off my arse and clean his house since he works all the time. He is right all he does is work, drink and sleep. when he is home he is working over the internet for his job and gets drunk while he's doing it and the closer to time for him to go to bed the uglier his mouth gets, like tonight his exact phrase was since you didn't do the "effing" dishes tonight your lazy "effing bitch of a fat ass can sleep on the G.D. couch out in the living rooms with the "effing" dogs. I actually prefer the dogs, they don't bite me or hurt me in any way, they let me curl up with them and are happy to see me. I think I should find a place to stay & take the dogs and myself and bare minimum things to make it and tell him it is either the alcohol or me because I can't take his verbal attack on me anymore. He said my mom was a control freak but it is him. He says that I don't have depression that I am just a lazy "effing" bitch. He says he is tired of always petting me and that I need to get off this self pity parade I am on and grow up. I am going to hate to see him when his dad and his little sister die if they die in his lifetime. He says he doesn't care for his mother, he even calls her by her given name instead of mother or mom or anything. She did leave early in his childhood but she calls every week and she sends us presents on our birthdays and holidays and our anniversary. I don't know what to do I love him but I am getting to the point that when I know he is coming home my stomach turns because I know before he goes to bed he is going to start at least one fight and say it is my fault that I started it when I haven't even spoken the first word. Help you guys, PLEASE, I don't know what to do or how to do it. I have no blood relatives left and only a few friends in this area, should I go to the housing authority and apply for an apartment in the housing projects? should I wait like I was told by some other people because I don't need to be making major life decisions like this till at least a year after the last major event? does both your parents dying within 3 months of each other give me the right to be depressed and to have my own pity parades as he says?
 
You should leave your husband, he is doing verbal abuse, run away as fast as you can!
 
I agree with APeterson28.

Leave as soon as you can. But be sure to stash a bit of money. You'll have to cut corners on grocery bills and whatnot to get the money if your husband is not giving you much money.

Steph, you have to leave because you're frightened of him and you shouldn't be living in fear. He'll move to the next stage and that is hitting you. You don't deserve it.

Go to the police or social service and ask what your options are.

Hang in there and be strong :hug:

PS: by the way, don't start buying into his verbal crap on you.
 
I agree with APeterson28 and Miss-Delectable, get away from him.

It sounds like you can use a hug :hug: good luck
 
I hope you will speak with a therapist and a lawyer to explore your options. It does not sound very healthy for you to be in that situation with a verbally abusive and unsupportive partner, and a change is definitely needed. If your hb doesn't want to change for the better.. then you have to make the change yourself, without him in the picture. It does sound like he is an alcoholic since drinking seems to contribute to some of the problems.
 
Unfortunately even though you've experienced some life changing events very recently, it sounds as if this next change is necessary. You've just gone through a very trying time and depression is a natural response. His verbal and emotional abuse will only take a toll on you. I personally would request that he start going to a counselor with and without you, and if he refuses to do so, work quietly on getting a place of your own. I'm very sorry for everything you've been through, especially that which is completely and grossly unnecessary. I hope everything works out for the best.
 
Steph, if I were you, I would get out of there and get a legal advice soon as possible. I hope you got a friend who is willing to let you stay over at their place for a little while until you find a place for yourself. Also see a social worker who could put you in a right direction. Good luck whatever you decide to do. :hug:
 
u should leave him once before too late never know he may hurt u later.. who know.. and better move out.. not worth be with him and where is YOUR HAPPY???? think abt it..
 
While I am not an expert my belief is that it really depends on what is causing the problems. Sometimes it's the other spouse that contributes to the problems but since communication has broken down, you never really get to the bottom of it. Since we are only hearing one side of the story it's not fair for anyone to make a judgement and answer your question. I'ts also unfair of you to ask it of us without providing the opportunity to hear the other side. Even then there are probably only few people here that are qualified to answer that question.

If you love your husband maybe you guys should go and talk to someone about your relationship and try to figure out what is going on. If you have children then it's in their best interest for you to work out your differences and stay together. If you are unable to do that I wish you all the best.
 
I agreed with others in here. You will need to leave as soon as possible.

Gather up most of the stuff you need and stay at your friend's place temporary until you find a place of your own.

Hang in there and be strong.
 
I agree that you better leave your husband. Do you have children? how long been you married?
 
rockdrummer said:
While I am not an expert my belief is that it really depends on what is causing the problems. Sometimes it's the other spouse that contributes to the problems but since communication has broken down, you never really get to the bottom of it. Since we are only hearing one side of the story it's not fair for anyone to make a judgement and answer your question. I'ts also unfair of you to ask it of us without providing the opportunity to hear the other side. Even then there are probably only few people here that are qualified to answer that question.

If you love your husband maybe you guys should go and talk to someone about your relationship and try to figure out what is going on. If you have children then it's in their best interest for you to work out your differences and stay together. If you are unable to do that I wish you all the best.
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Repeating myself. Everyone here should really stop telling her to leave her husband because that is a serious matter that one should not seek an answer to on a message board just as many on this board are really not qualified to provide that kind of assistance especially based on one side of the story. I am not siding with her husband but only pointing out that every relationship has two sides. If there are children involved then that is a whole different picture.
 
Steph9700,

I agree with some of the posters here. I think it is a great idea for you to apply for the housing through Housin' Authority. It may take up to 2 years on the waiting list. Don't know, how you feel about this, but there are some shelters that you can go for women who are abused by their husbands/boyfriends until you find a place of your own to move in. They could help you with this. Just explain to them about your situation and they will help you what you need.

If, you have your own church where you usually attend on Sundays, then you may ask for someone to help you as well. :hug:
 
I'm in agreement with rockrummer.

Steph, there is an organisation that a well-known columnist highly recommended for married spouses with martial problems. From my brief research on the organisation, high percentage of married couples have said it helped them. I cannot think what it is called, but I have the link bookmarked on my computer. I'll post the link here as soon I get to my computer.
 
Your marriage will only get worst if he doesnt get help. No, you both need help! Smt, If i was you I would've kick him to da curb, quick and hard as I can.
There nothing positive that can come out of an abusive relationship, there are no signs of love there. Love doesn't hurt. Love is patient and kind. Obviously he is a axxhole.
How a man treats his mother, he will treat you! He don't give a damn about his mother, he don't give a damn about you. Sorry to say but he gots to go. You deserve better than that. I think you are puttin up with him because u feel as tho u have no one else. Is that true? You have yourself. No one can love you unless you love yourself!Be strong and make the wise choice.
Good luck!
 
I agree with many posters out there, I think it's best for you to leave soon as you can have some money and find new life elsewhere. He's not doing you any good.
 
Steph...my best friend who is deaf is in the same shoes as u are. She has been suffering that kind of abuse for 10 years and many people have repeatly told her to leave him but when she finds the courage to leave him, he changes and starts treating her how she wanted to be treated...like a human being who is valued, respected, and loved...so she decideds to stay with him only to have him to go back to his old ways. This would go on for 10 years..she has gone to counseling, family therapy and tried to meet his needs. Now, her spirit is dead and she is so afraid of her own shadow...afraid of speaking her opinions, afraid of what everyone else thinks of her, afraid of pissing her husband off, afraid of hurting her girls' feelings...I wish she had left him a long time ago.

Maybe try marriage counseling but if he does change for the better for a short time before falling back to his old way, pls get out because u will get yourself caught in a vicous cycle. If he changes for the better and keeps it that way, great!

Pls do not suffer this for another 10 years that my friend did and still is.

Here is a :hug: Nobody deserves to be treated like that.
 
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