Rules in Deaf culture?

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jabberwo0cky

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Hey all! I am a hearing ASL student, and have been spending some time recently with a new Deaf friend. Last weekend she brought her daughter and 7 grandkids out to my house to have a winter play day. I had a ton of fun signing with my friend and her daughter, and talk/signing with all the kids (they all knew ASL). I also enjoyed trying my best to facilitate communication between my hearing family (who's never met a Deaf family!) and my new friends. On my end of things, we had a really great time! We rode horses, my dad made a gigantic pot of stew, and then the kids all came out and helped us pick up sticks from the aftermath of our recent winter storm.
It was a great day. When they all piled in the van to leave, my friend gave me $40. $40! For what?! She said for spending time with the horses and lunch and playing with her kids, etc. But honestly, it was our pleasure to have them all out. I tried to give the money back but she refused. I had just planned on slipping it into her mailbox or something, but a friend of mine (who has a grandma who is Deaf) said "NO WAY, that is rude in Deaf culture. If she gave you that, it would be rude to give it back."
Is this true? If so, what is the explanation behind it? Any way I could make it up to her? I mean, honestly, I invited them all out, had fun playing with the kids, they helped us clean up on the farm, and she gave ME money. I feel like it should have been the other way around. Any thoughts? Thanks! =)
 
Wirelessly posted

Sounds to me that she is not used to having
A friend . I do the same thing.
 
No rules in Deaf Culture except to sign only (that is the only rule). I think your new friend appreciated your hospitality to make her and the family happy and friendship. It is like welcoming to the home when someone who did not have a place to stay and felt appreciated very much. So a kind person or a new friend offer to leave the money with you.

I did that when I was warmly welcome and make me feel like I am at home. But I would rather leave the money on the table to let them know that I am very appreciated for what they have done for me. Yes, it is no sense to argue or reason with the new friend to return back the money. It is for you, only. You have found a very good friend.

As for a Deaf grandma, I think she is a little bit jealous of you for having a very good friend who is kind toward you. If she is Deaf, she should know that there were no rules except to sign which we really need that for visual communication better than lipreading.

Authentic had a very good suggestion that you can have a pizza party with the money to host anyone who is interest in pizza (smack - delicious). :)
 
forget it and return the favor someday. it is not a DEAF thing.say it is a HEARING thing to return a gift doubled
 
Maybe she thought it was to cover the expenses for the food that was provided?

It could be that was she afraid that by not offering you money, she would offend you by looking like she was taking advantage of you.

It is not a Deaf culture thing. It has to have something to do with how she was raised or a bad experience she had with someone else. You need to talk with her.
 
deafgal001 said:
I don't do that anymore. Well kinda. i hate the idea of taking other people's money so I don't easily take other people's generosity very well.
Click to expand...

My family has the rule that when someone is nice to you you return the favor... Not pay them. If they take you out riding horses on their property and we don't have property or horses then we take you down to the river and we go canoeing. Or to pizza.

But yes, reciprocality is a good idea.

I also feel bad if someone favors me and I can do nothing in return. Fortunately that has happened very seldom in my life.
 
Personally I feel offended if someone offers me money when I am hosting something that I did not ask for money for.
 
Maybe this person felt that she cannot host a similar event? She may not be in a position to entertain in the same way?
 
Maybe she felt bad with having her 7 grandkids there and thought the cost of feeding them would be q burden, especially in this economy. She just may have thought that she was truly helping and it made her feel good.
 
What is wrong with being generous like appreciated of what the host have done for the deaf person? It is not returning the favor if that is what you are implying. Like deafbajagal, no, it is not related to Deaf Culture. She was very impressed of his hospitality and that is how she was expressing her feeling of being generous to him for making her feel a part of him and his family and having fun that she and her daughter plus the 7 grandkids had never fun like this. That take a lot of guts for a hearing person to give her and her family much happiness. So let's leave at that. :)
 
Sounds to me like she is a very sweet person, and just wanted to be able to give something back to you for a day that she really enjoyed. My mother is like this as well, and she is not Deaf. I would take it as she meant it, as being generous towards you in the only way she could at that moment. Sounds like she would be a great person to have as a lifelong friend.
 
why feel offended? we are all really poor right now you may not have any money afther the party just say thank you and be nice
 
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