Post Thanksgiving Musings

[Reba]

because their job is to help people hear. why would they recommend ASL?

True. Too many of them consider ASL supporters to be their occupational competition.

 

[Abby Nicole]

Abby, I would have just roared laughing and for dramatic flair I would fall off my chair laughing. Then calmly returned to my chair and respond "no, I'm deaf, I have no idea what is being said on the videos. But you guys enjoy, I'm going to help myself to more of that pumpkin pie!" I would then plop myself in a chair in another room with my AD friends on my iPad and enjoy being with friends while munching on my favorite Thanksgiving desert.

But then again, that's just me!

I blame the turkey's L-tryptophan for depleting my sarcasm artillery.

 

[Jazzberry]

My thanks giving holiday didn't end well with my little sister. I didn't really interact much with my family because I had a hard time following them. Then I set the dogs off barking around 1 am much to my little sister's annoyance.

Plus I had the montlies and they can be quite heavy and I will grant that I could have done a better job of cleaning up after myself when I went to the bathroom early in the morning. My little sister told me that if I wanted to be a guest in the future, I would need to do a better job. I told her I would not be back. I'm sick of walking on eggshells and I'm sick of this bs so I will not be back next year. It's not worth it.

she told me that I needed some sort of assisted living or help to deal with creating chaos for everyone.. .

It hurts a great deal because my dad said a similar thing in a letter to my little sister a few years ago. He was serious so you can see why I don't like having family over...

I always feel like I could get put in a home if my family could find the right channels..

It's especially hard because of the common hallmark fantasy that your family loves you and has your back -- and isn't a gang trying to tear you down.

I don't blame you for thinking about not joining your family for Thanksgiving next year. If I felt my family was serious about that (attempting to put me in an institution of some kind) I would avoid them also.

I'm sure Jillio is right and that it is probably a hard thing to do legally -- but I would get a medical directive set up and make sure that no one in your family can have any influence over your medical care in the event of an emergency. Based on their actions, I would not trust them to do what is in your best interest.

 

[mbrek]

she told me that I needed some sort of assisted living or help to deal with creating chaos for everyone.. .

Let me just say this, DS. Your family sucks. You can flip them off and come have Thanksgiving with me!

 

[Jazzberry]

A rude bully. (re brother)



:thumbd: Insensitive wimps. (re sister and parents)

Family can be complicated. Way back when, one of my roommates was going for a masters in social work and I use to skim a lot of her books. I've always loved to read (at times it was the only way I could get info) and it was an interesting topic.

One common idea that many of the textbooks spoke about was that families have values and even goals, and each family member is normally assigned a role. So, in reality, all of them were bullies -- my brother was just given the role of acting out in that particular situation. I have had enough experience with each family member to be able to say that that idea the textbooks spoke about made sense in my particular family history. I just don't recall the name of that particular idea or theory.

Yes, while I am never being addressed in such a rude way,
certain members of my family sometimes tell me "just wait, please " or "oh, never mind, it's not important"
which irritates the heck out of me, grr.
And while I can stomach "wait please" as sometimes what are they talking about may stress them out, so I should let them have it first worked out,
the other thing, though - grrr
maybe it's not important indeed but it sure does not make me feel good
being excluded from the "in-crowd", either.

My friends, though, never dare to do that to me and that's why I like my friends more than my family.
At the most they politely ask to wait if this is something that is very involving and emotional.
Them I happily oblige, because at other times they truly try hard to include me. I am so grateful.

Guess I know how you feel.

How are things today with family talks at the table?
Do they include you now, I hope?

Fuzzy

I get along better with my friends also. I'm thankful that despite the role I was given in my birth family, I have been able to relate to people in a completely different way as an adult. As for my birth family I have very little to do with them these days. My mother has passed away, I call my father occassionally and exchange holiday/birthday cards with my brother and sister-in-law.

Given the personalities involved, for the most part I'm fine with that.

The only exception is that even though in many ways my dad was not a good dad I'd like to visit him more and be of more help to him, but that is not possible. I have had some serious financial punches that I haven't recovered from yet so that makes affording long distance travel not feasible. Of some of the decisions made for him I don't agree with -- but I decided not to make an issue about it. My sister and brother didn't develop their attitudes in a vacuum -- my parents were largely responsible for it. I don't by nature normally take a back seat -- but I have decided to go along with it in regard to my dad's care. Sometimes I feel guilty about it, but I sincerely believe that my dad would be extremely unhappy if I took a more assertive role even if it ended up with better decisions being made for him.

My situation is that most of my friends and acquaintences think that I'm very competent and a source of good ideas, and my birth family likes to think that I'm incompetent and defective in many ways including intelligence. To say that the difference in attitude between the two groups is huge would be an understatement.

 

[Jazzberry]

A friend of mine had no plans so I invited her for Thanksgiving to eat and paid her to type.

When my dad passed away I hired someone that could type really fast because we had to make alot of plans....he went unexpectedly and I am like the family boss anyway. . I pretty much followed along with HAs and lip reading and when I got lost I would hold up a finger for them to pause and I would look at the screen to catch up. It worked well.

I am trying to get my church to do something similar on our screens because we have lots of elderly members.

That was a great idea to hire a typist for the holidays and also when your dad passed away. I'm glad that your family has been able to accept your strengths along with your hearing loss.

From what I've observed in my familiy and others is that often families will dismiss relatives with hearing loss (esp. those that have hearing loss from childhood) because that makes it easier for them to justify not putting effort into communicating with them.

Do you mind if I ask if you are late-deafened?

 

[Jazzberry]

Jazzberry, we had the same Thanksgiving experience. How ironic the very holiday that is based on being thankful makes us feel quite the opposite? And your car experience? Ugh all the way. My solution to staying preoccupied in the car is to play Scrabble on my iPod touch (highest word score: 131 points on "lasering", a triple word play - can you tell I play quite a bit?). This keeps the pressure off of talking, and also keeps my mind off of the fact that I CAN'T talk in cars.

Your party was exactly like mine except my parents add a little something special to the mix: watching family home videos. They had all their camcorder tapes converted to DVDs, tapes covering vacations we took when I was a kid. I have to sit and watch my whole family laugh for two hours, mostly at things the kid-me was saying on the videos - I couldn't follow along because obviously home videos are not captioned. And the extra annoying part is when the laughter dies down, someone turns to me and says, "Did you hear that funny thing you said?" and they repeat it for me, but it fails to be funny long after the fact. This year, I took my leave in the middle of the home videos viewing, it wasn't even 7pm.

Abby, I would have just roared laughing and for dramatic flair I would fall off my chair laughing. Then calmly returned to my chair and respond "no, I'm deaf, I have no idea what is being said on the videos. But you guys enjoy, I'm going to help myself to more of that pumpkin pie!" I would then plop myself in a chair in another room with my AD friends on my iPad and enjoy being with friends while munching on my favorite Thanksgiving desert.

But then again, that's just me!

Settled! I have to get myself an iPad! Either that or get myself a personal CART reporter.

Seriously, I think an iPad or similar device is a great way of handling most situations. It would help me a lot with the part I bolded in your post, Abby Nicole.

If I ever win Lotto I would definitely consider putting a CART reporter on staff or an interpreter! Eventually I'll become fluent in ASL, right?

More seriously, even on a limited budget, I think its a good idea to consider hiring a CART reporter for certain serious life-time events. I believe the reporters that work remotely (laptop with webcam) can be more affordable and its not something that I would have thought of if TXgolfer hadn't mentioned it. So I'm glad you did, TXgolfer!

 

[Jazzberry]

In regard to ENTs, audis, speech therapists, etc not recommending ASL ...

because their job is to help people hear. why would they recommend ASL?

True. Too many of them consider ASL supporters to be their occupational competition.

It sure would be nice and mature of them if instead they thought that their job was to help us communicate and acknowledged that some people need more than one tool in the toolbox.

I am glad that I can speak well and understand most people one on one with a combination of hearing and lipreading in a quiet room. That is very helpful. But it's really not enough.

Its very childish not to acknowledge that. It's exactly like a 5 year old saying we are going to play my game or we aren't going to play any games!

More than one game is often a good idea.

Unfortunately most parents look to the professionals for answers and often will not think of asking other D/d/HH adults for their opinions.

 

[blondon704]

In regard to ENTs, audis, speech therapists, etc not recommending ASL ...





It sure would be nice and mature of them if instead they thought that their job was to help us communicate and acknowledged that some people need more than one tool in the toolbox.

I am glad that I can speak well and understand most people one on one with a combination of hearing and lipreading in a quiet room. That is very helpful. But it's really not enough.

Its very childish not to acknowledge that. It's exactly like a 5 year old saying we are going to play my game or we aren't going to play any games!

More than one game is often a good idea.

Unfortunately most parents look to the professionals for answers and often will not think of asking other D/d/HH adults for their opinions.

I am one of those parents^^ I just want advice. Jazzberry seriously had that been one of my children you better believe I would have a mini freak out. I was born with 2 holes in my heart, I have murmurs upon svt upon all kinds of other craziness going on in there. It causes me to have episodes and when I was little my hands would draw up to my chest I would be gasping for air basically like a little fish out of water. My mother never cared she was basically the definition of pathetic excuse for a human being, my older sister would rip me apart for it telling me I was just trying to get attention and that I was faking it all, so I basically got bullied for something I couldn't control. But when we would go stay with my dad and he would witness her being that way with me he acted the way I feel like I would if one of my children were bullying the other for any reason.

Parents are supposed to protect their children not just leave them to the dogs (or their siblings)

 

[deafskeptic]

I am one of those parents^^ I just want advice. Jazzberry seriously had that been one of my children you better believe I would have a mini freak out. I was born with 2 holes in my heart, I have murmurs upon svt upon all kinds of other craziness going on in there. It causes me to have episodes and when I was little my hands would draw up to my chest I would be gasping for air basically like a little fish out of water. My mother never cared she was basically the definition of pathetic excuse for a human being, my older sister would rip me apart for it telling me I was just trying to get attention and that I was faking it all, so I basically got bullied for something I couldn't control. But when we would go stay with my dad and he would witness her being that way with me he acted the way I feel like I would if one of my children were bullying the other for any reason.

Parents are supposed to protect their children not just leave them to the dogs (or their siblings)

Had I been your mother, it would have freaked out if you had one of those episodes for the first time. I just can not understand people like this and ditto for your sister.

 

[Cheetah]

It just shows, kids need to be taught. Kids that are not taught, this is what they do, they bully.

 

[Speedy Hawk]

It just shows, kids need to be taught. Kids that are not taught, this is what they do, they bully.

So true! Also siblings may picked up how adult family members treated deaf kid in events like this and thinking it okay to bully or whatever bad they do.

 

[Audiofuzzy]

One common idea that many of the textbooks spoke about was that families have values and even goals, and each family member is normally assigned a role. So, in reality, all of them were bullies -- my brother was just given the role of acting out in that particular situation. I have had enough experience with each family member to be able to say that that idea the textbooks spoke about made sense in my particular family history. I just don't recall the name of that particular idea or theory.

I get it- a passive aggressive bullies, eh?
It definitely can be, if all of them were in agreement, none wished to protest
in support of you or flat out didn't care.
So unfortunate

Fuzzy

 

[Audiofuzzy]

It just shows, kids need to be taught. Kids that are not taught, this is what they do, they bully.

Actually, they are taught to bully, too.

Whether you do something or nothing, you teach this way, too.

Fuzzy

 

[Abby Nicole]

Let me just say this, DS. Your family sucks. You can flip them off and come have Thanksgiving with me!

Yes, next time flip them the bird... or the turkey?

 

[Jazzberry]

I am one of those parents^^ I just want advice.

And I really admire you and the other parents who come here for being clever enough to get info from someone other than your doctor. A lot of people aren't.

Jazzberry seriously had that been one of my children you better believe I would have a mini freak out. I was born with 2 holes in my heart, I have murmurs upon svt upon all kinds of other craziness going on in there. It causes me to have episodes and when I was little my hands would draw up to my chest I would be gasping for air basically like a little fish out of water. My mother never cared she was basically the definition of pathetic excuse for a human being, my older sister would rip me apart for it telling me I was just trying to get attention and that I was faking it all, so I basically got bullied for something I couldn't control. But when we would go stay with my dad and he would witness her being that way with me he acted the way I feel like I would if one of my children were bullying the other for any reason.

Parents are supposed to protect their children not just leave them to the dogs (or their siblings)

Blondon, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I do hope your sister managed to figure some stuff out as an adult and that you have a better relationship with her now.

I agree with what you say about parents.

Thing is ... sometimes parents are raised poorly by parents who were raised poorly ...

I believe that is what happened in my parents case. I know more about my mother's family -- so I am actually certain that is what happened there. I will say this -- from what I know, each generation going back at least three generations seemed to have made a geniune effort to improve and attempt to figure out how to treat their kids a little bit better.

That is something, and I'm glad each generation made the effort. If they hadn't -- I and my sibs would have been even worse off when we were children.

ETA: The main reason I mentioned this is because about 10 years ago I decided I didn't want to go through life angry. So that is part of the thinking I went through to get there. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Jazzberry]

I get it- a passive aggressive bullies, eh?
It definitely can be, if all of them were in agreement, none wished to protest
in support of you or flat out didn't care.
So unfortunate

Fuzzy

I probably typed too quickly. I think more accurately my parents were lazy and short in the empathy dept., but probably not actually bullies.

Another thing to keep in mind is that during the 1960s my home state didn't have an early intervention program. If they did, my parents might have found it easier to treat me differently with education and more support.

Than again, maybe not. One of my 8th grade teachers asked my mother for permission to tutor me, for free, in English grammar and writing and my mother refused. :shrug:

 

[Jazzberry]

Yes, next time flip them the bird... or the turkey?

 

[jillio]

It's especially hard because of the common hallmark fantasy that your family loves you and has your back -- and isn't a gang trying to tear you down.

I don't blame you for thinking about not joining your family for Thanksgiving next year. If I felt my family was serious about that (attempting to put me in an institution of some kind) I would avoid them also.

I'm sure Jillio is right and that it is probably a hard thing to do legally -- but I would get a medical directive set up and make sure that no one in your family can have any influence over your medical care in the event of an emergency. Based on their actions, I would not trust them to do what is in your best interest.

You know, all of the Hallmark, happy family that loves and respects each other and the holidays are so special movies and TV specials that are shown this time of year do a great disservice to many. It has been shown through research that it sets people up for unreasonable expectations and then when they don't achieve that fantasy holiday with their family, they bottom out. Look at the increase in suicide and admissions to psychiatric hospitals this time of year. There are those who are prone to think that because they can't manage to replicate these fantasy families that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. The self blame and incrimination is destructive to the degree that many just give up.

If, by chance, you are lucky enough to have been a member of a family that indeed does function in a healthy way and has close relationships and enjoyable holiday get togethers, invite someone who doesn't have that experience to join you this year. For those of you that have less than satisfactory experiences with family holidays, get 3 or 4 friends together that are in the same situation, and create your own memorable holiday.

 

[deafskeptic]

Yes, next time flip them the bird... or the turkey?

I'll flip 'em the turkey the next time.