Newlywed fight over Holiday time :(

TheWriteAlex said:
Yes, but it seems to me that he's not the one with the control issue in this case. Backseat drivers are usually the ones who need control.

If he is putting you both at risk by weaving in and out of traffic, ignoring weather conditions, etc. then you've got a problem. If you're just going in a straight line in regular conditions, 90mph is not much different from 75mph. Try to relax.
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Weaving, tailgating to get people to change lanes, deer on the side of the expressways, ice patches - I can feel the hairs on my head turning white.

I'm a leadfoot myself, but 90mph is just ridiculous and unnecessary unless you're on the Autobahn.
 
So far, I've made sacrifices in my relationship. Same with my girlfriend. She gave up spending Thanksgivings with her family this year to be with me. I'll be going to Michigan to see her the day after Christmas. Her family is nice enough to have Christmas party the day after CHristmas for me.
 
Abby Nicole said:
This is a vent, as I am trying to cool my jets from an argument last night with DH. Friends, I need perspective...

Last year, DH and I spent Christmas at his parents, a 13-hr drive away. As an engaged couple, I cheerfully went to his hometown for 5 days and immersed myself in his family's traditions. We agreed on alternating Christmas's between our families every other year. My family is local, so this year, we are able to spend our first Christmas as a married couple at home with our puppy and brand new Christmas tree, and enjoy the parties with my side of the family. Or so I thought.

DH informed me that he wants to go "home" to his parent's again this year, during our 1-week vacation time between Christmas and NYE. I was thrown for a loop, wondering what happened to our every-other-year plan? I told him I was surprised and not enthused on traveling again for the holidays. Flying won't work, as tickets are $800, and I dread being on the road for two icy white-knuckled days; last year's 13-hr roadtrip was scary driving in blizzards. Amtrak train tickets are sold out.

I was really looking forward to a low-key holiday week with my husband in the comfort of our house.

DH called me selfish and accused me of not wanting to be with his family; I called him a liar for not informing me that we would actually be traveling every year to his parents. Why is his parent's house, that he hasn't lived in for 15 years, still "home"??? Shouldn't we focus on creating our own home and holiday traditions as husband and wife?

Does DH not understand, "Leave and cleave", or am I being a selfish wife?
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both of you had a "term of agreement" that ya'all agreed to alternate every other year. he broke that agreement.

was he aware of violating term of agreement?
 
We almost never see my family who live in AZ. My hubby brought up about going to AZ every two years for Christmas. He hates the idea of my mom spending Christmas alone. He is really sweet to make that effort. At first, in our marriage, he didnt get along with my mom and now he is overprotective of her. We see his family more often as they only live 45 mins away. I would love to see my family more often but I am realistic. Airfare is so expensive.
 
Why spend $800 on airfare? Do you really have to see the family on Christmas? Sure, your husband's family will understand that he will not see them every Christmas. wouldn't they?
 
Abby Nicole said:
Truthfully, the exact amount of time we'd spend with my side of the family is 10 hours that week. That's it - Christmas Eve, 5 hours, Christmas dinner, 5 hours. I agree with you, DH sees it as a "my family vs. her family", whereas I see it as where is our "US family" (him/me/the dog)?

I'm 99% positive this was the stated agreement, and he's found a loophole. Last Christmas, many times we've spoken with his parents on how we would be staying home this year. Racking my brain, thinking of where a miscommunication could've occured...
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If you are 99% sure you had an agreement and he's now looking for a way to get out of it in such a callous and immature manner, that is completely unacceptable and shows a lack of respect for you and your marriage. based on what you have written (and I do understand that there is always two sides to an argument, so I hope you'll not let this reinforce your feelings of dejection right now, but rather look past that and search for a solution) This points outs something in his character that you need to be wary of. Couples counseling is on your horizon, I'm sorry to say. :(


Abby Nicole said:
Weaving, tailgating to get people to change lanes, deer on the side of the expressways, ice patches - I can feel the hairs on my head turning white.

I'm a leadfoot myself, but 90mph is just ridiculous and unnecessary unless you're on the Autobahn.
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Okay. It appears your concerns are warranted. :Ohno: Weaving and tailgating is extremely dangerous and completely unacceptable. I get very critical of anyone who tailgates when I am in the car with them. This sort of driving behavior is not good. Further proof of your husband's character, I'm sorry to say.
 
dereksbicycles said:
Why spend $800 on airfare? Do you really have to see the family on Christmas? Sure, your husband's family will understand that he will not see them every Christmas. wouldn't they?
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well - let's put it this way. you don't see them everyday. and they're not going to be around forever.
 
Jiro said:
well - let's put it this way. you don't see them everyday. and they're not going to be around forever.
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True, we don't know if the husband's family has health issues so that husband is backing out of the agreement.
 
Sigh... Anyone know a good couples therapist? Anyone BEEN to couples therapy? *Grabbing the yellow pages*

I just have mixed feelings all over the board - did he betray our agreement, am I disrespecting his family, is this argument worth the trouble?

All I wanted was a newlywed Christmastime at home with egg nog and Bing Crosby, good grief.
 
Abby Nicole said:
Sigh... Anyone know a good couples therapist? Anyone BEEN to couples therapy? *Grabbing the yellow pages*

I just have mixed feelings all over the board - did he betray our agreement, am I disrespecting his family, is this argument worth the trouble?

All I wanted was a newlywed Christmastime at home with egg nog and Bing Crosby, good grief.
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see my Post #23
 
I agree with TWA. One additional thing is that what make your husband a sudden change his mind that decided to go visit his parents.

Secondly, if you both have conflict and couldn't agree on, like other poster says, why not stay home and celebrate alone and try to resolve it.

Driving 13 hours during winters have much higher chance of getting killed. Also it's a stressful nerve whacking driving. Would you call that "vacation"? I don't think so, it's not pleasurable to drive both way for 26 hours. You both will get unpredictable result what going to happen next day weather.
Did you ever tell him about how he drive? Tell him that he's sounded like he's looking for way to kill you!! You know, if he doesn't respect how you feel about your past experience, then it's obviously that he doesn't care if you died!! You know? I don't blame you how you felt about your past accident, my daughter is 23 years old and she doesn't have driver license, she will never get one... because of her 3 past horrible experiences with her friends got killed and she saw elderly lady got killed as well.

I know it's a harsh reality, but look at yourself, if he give no respect, then you have serious issue down the road. He need to read more about PSTD, and try to understand that.

For parting shot, yes counseling is a good idea.
 
Yestersday, driving home from Michigan going East on 94, I saw a terrible car accident on I 94 West close to Dempster and Touhy ramp. Whole lane was closed up.Luckily I was going East. My girlfriend worries about me. I hope you don't do the 13 hour drive if you don't have to.
 
dereksbicycles said:
Yestersday, driving home from Michigan going East on 94, I saw a terrible car accident on I 94 West close to Dempster and Touhy ramp. Whole lane was closed up.Luckily I was going East. My girlfriend worries about me. I hope you don't do the 13 hour drive if you don't have to.
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Well, it's not about 13 hours drive, it's about him as Mr Mayhem.
 
Just another thought, he's willing learn to drive within the speed limit, then you can consider to go there. If he break it, then you know what you should do.
 
Did I misunderstand or didn't you (Abby) say that you are going to see his family the week after Christmas? Is this is so, I think it is unrealistic of him to expect you to travel there for Christmas as well. However, that aside, I (personally) would reluctantly agree to go to his parents place for Christmas this year and, while there, I would take the opportunity to sort out future holidays ... explain to everyone how I felt, ask for input and then offer a reasonable schedule of alternating holidays (even put it in writing if need be). That way all the cards are on the table for everyone and, I suspect, if you are kind and loving in how you explain it all, your husband's family will be supportive.
 
Journey said:
Did I misunderstand or didn't you (Abby) say that you are going to see his family the week after Christmas? . . .
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Actually, now that I re-read the post that Journey is referring to, I'm confused as well.

Was the original plan all along that you'd go to inlaw's house the week after Christmas but spend the actual holiday at home, and now your husband wants to just go to his family's house for Christmas? Or Did your husband agree to be with your family for Christmas but now wants to go to his family's place a week later, but you're against any sort of traveling this holiday season?

If the former, then wow, he is REALLY being an asshole.

If the latter, then I kinda have to change my stance. Seems like a pretty fair compromise to me to spend the actual holiday at home and with your family and then go to his family's place a week later, especially if you have the time. What's the problem with that?
 
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I would comment, but I gotta go make a phone call.
 
It does sound like he's being selfish.

Let's look at this from another point of view...

During the whole year, what do you guys do when it comes to visiting his family and your family? Do you spend a lot of time with your family through out the whole year and not with his? I'm not looking for exact math, but I'm just speaking from experience through a few friends of mine.

Here's a few scenarios:

1.) A couple spends almost all their time with the wife's family throughout the year (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, etc). Since they don't see the husband's family, they agree that Christmas will be with the husband's family.

2.) A couple spends all holidays alternatively every year. For instance, holiday A is with his family... holiday B is with her family... holiday C is with his family... holiday D is with her family. Then next year, holiday A is with her family... holiday B is with his family... holiday C is with her family... holiday D is with his family.

3.) A couple spends certain holidays depending on their family's availability. Her family spends Thanksgiving in the woods camping and hunting. So, the couple goes to his family. Her family celebrates Christmas a week early. So, the couple has no conflict. Both families are busy for Memorial Day. So, the couple enjoy themselves.

There are many different scenarios. Every couple is different.

Since you said that both of you agreed to it last year, then he should keep his word and visit your family. Have you tried having a serious conversation with him about this?
 
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