My daughter wants to come home.

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kimbrly818

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Almost two years ago I moved to where my family lives to get a better education for my daughter who was at the time just a little hard of hearing but was still missing A LOT! I fought with my home school without much luck, but I was also not prepared to nor knew what was legally expected of the school to actually provide for my daughter let alone what it was exactly she needed. She's a very bright girl, and in second grade in a mainstream school they wanted to hold her back I wouldn't allow that since it wasn't really needed. After a half a year of the mainstream school district we moved to where they did A LOT for her to help her, it still wasn't enough, so she was transferred to the school for the deaf which was luckily nearby and she was able to come home after the end of the school day. I've had to move back to the old school district where our house is that we own, due to financial reasons so now my daughter is living on the campus. She's told me for two weeks now she doesn't want to stay there. We are quiet close and I'm worried she'll start doing badly or think that we don't want her HOME all the time. I really feel like I just dumped my daughter off and gave her away, but I do keep those feelings from her so she doesn't pick up on it. I was doing quite well until she told me she didn't want to stay there anymore, because it's " not home" she misses coming home everyday and doing her normal everyday things. What would you do? I'm also deaf, and she and I are the only ones in my family that ARE so it's a very tight bond between us. I'm confused as what I should do or how I should handle it. At the moment I'm trying to get her to give it a little more time. But I'm not really getting far.
Please send me any advice experience in the matter, etc. Thanks!
 
Since she has been transferred to the school for the deaf has there been any improvement and what sort of problems did she have when she attend mainstream?...

Is there another way you could find a school that will help your daughter with whatever problems that she may be having so that way your daughter can live at home with you instead of at the campus?...I can not image not having my children around, there has to be another way of keeping her at home instead of living miles away from where the deaf school is located at....
 
Make some sort of deal with her- if she stays there for two more months and is still completely miserable, you'll let her come home, no questions asked. I'd also check in with her every day to see how she's doing.

Good luck! :hug:
 
Let her come home.

I remember being in the state school for the deaf as a small child and I missed my mom, I would cry in bed every night when I'm in the dorms. Eventually I was taken out of WSD for unrelated reasons which I do not wish to disclose. I was much happier once I was pulled out of WSD for good.
 
Kimberly,
This must be such a hard decision for you! Her education is important, and so is your relationship with her!

Most parents struggle with sending their child to live on campus at such a young age, it's hard to only get to see your little one once a week. BUT, educationally, that may be the best place for her. You can stay close via VP, email (if she can do it) and visiting her.

Show her you care and that you still love her lots and lots, you just want her to be able to have lots of fun with her friends at school, and understand her teachers, and get to learn lots and lots so she can get to be really smart!

If the education itself is a problem, you can require in the IEP for her to be challenged with more difficult coursework.

Socially, she's in a much better place...she has a chance to develop her leadership skills and learn to work with people she both likes and doesnt...she gets to be a normal kid there. SUCH an important thing for kids, especially these days...plus nearly all kids who grow up alone in the mainstream, hoh or deaf, have seriously self-esteem problems and end up resenting so much of how they were raised. Your daughter KNOWS you love her, and you KNOW you are doing what's best for her education, she will understand that. These are such critical learning years!

I agree that if after a few months, she still isn't happy, you will have to find another solution. One idea, though it may not the best, can you work at the school? Negotiate something with room and board maybe as well...at least for awhile? Hopefully something wonderful will work at and you can figure out how to have the best of both worlds. Whatever happens, I will you and your daughter the best!
 
Yeah I'd look into seeing if you could work as a houseparent or something like that. I totally understand. I really honestly don't think most little kids (except for foster kids and kids in not exactly healthy enviroments) should go off to boarding school. By little kids I mean those too young for sleepovers. How far away are you guys from the Deaf School? Has she done really well at the Deaf School? Are the Deaf programs at mainstream schools in your area kinda not great? Such a balancing act. What state are you in? Maybe we can help you with lots of resources and stuff. And..........is there any chance that your financial sitution could change, so that you'd be able to have her go to the Deaf school?
 
Pls bring her home that makes me sad. u both have no communication barrier. I think she is too young to live away from her parent. Maybe, later when she gets older probably she will go back but not for right now she may not be ready. If u both feel close then keep that way. Otherwise, I don't want to see her crying anymore it's not healthy to do this way.
 
I have to saying that was very interesting to read about your daughter..... I remembered myself was at deaf school when I was in 7th grade and I had to stayed at Dorm at Berkeley California... I didnt think of "home sick" with my family I was so excited because of deafies was there and whole the commuications that I was happy and very desire for... so I was very happy there with everything! I never forgot myself at very VERY first time I enter to that deaf school of course I was so freaked out.... lol but didnt cried for my family. :) Well interesting thought.
 
spicygirl143 said:
I have to saying that was very interesting to read about your daughter..... I remembered myself was at deaf school when I was in 7th grade and I had to stayed at Dorm at Berkeley California... I didnt think of "home sick" with my family I was so excited because of deafies was there and whole the commuications that I was happy and very desire for... so I was very happy there with everything! I never forgot myself at very VERY first time I enter to that deaf school of course I was so freaked out.... lol but didnt cried for my family. :) Well interesting thought.
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maybe cuz you were older and more ready?
 
Yeah, I was wondering, kimberly, how old your daughter is? You have said that you didn't discuss your negative feelings about her attending the deaf school, or your feelings about abandoning her. Even young children are able to understand things of this nature if you keep it in line with their age. I certainly would not say that you should have an adult level of discussion with your daughter, but to let her know that you also have mixed feelings, and are not happy with the situation in all ways, but also explain to her why, in spite of the fact that you, too would rather have her at home every day after school, you feel that this is best for her education at this point in time, and that is why you have made your decision. Often times, if we admit to our children that we are confused and conflicted, they are able to relate and see our point of view a little easier. To let them know that sometimes you have to do something that also causes you discomfort also shows them that parents don't just make decisions for no reason, and that we understand the feelings and concerns that the children have, because we feel the same way. But that adults must sometimes do what is best, not just what is most comfortable. In that way, you will not only give her a new understanding or you, a a parent, but help her to develop her hown mature attitudes. It really is okay for our kids to know that we are vunerable and human, and sometimes confused just as they are.

I wish you good things for both you and your daughter.
 
kimbrly818 said:
. She's told me for two weeks now she doesn't want to stay there. We are quiet close and I'm worried she'll start doing badly or think that we don't want her HOME all the time. I really feel like I just dumped my daughter off and gave her away, but I do keep those feelings from her so she doesn't pick up on it. I was doing quite well until she told me she didn't want to stay there anymore, because it's " not home" she misses coming home everyday and doing her normal everyday things. What would you do? I'm also deaf, and she and I are the only ones in my family that ARE so it's a very tight bond between us. I'm confused as what I should do or how I should handle it. At the moment I'm trying to get her to give it a little more time. But I'm not really getting far.
Please send me any advice experience in the matter, etc. Thanks!
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My daughter rode the bus daily for the first year, it's an hr ride each way. The home school district DOES have to pay for transportation to an from school. So if your home is close enough to the school for a commute bring her home. Of course it will take in IEP to set it all up but it can be done. Perhaps in a few years she might want to stay on campus, but until then the school does have to pay to transport her. If you are the one who ends up driving you are to be reimbursed on a per mile basis and the home district (or contracted transportation provider) must pay it. I always throught they should have paid me for my time to. LOL but no such luck.

I would like to add that my daughter began staying in the dorm one night a week, Wed. I believe from teh beginning. It was toward the end of the year that we added another day. The 2nd year she stayed mon-fri. and still does, while most kids go up on Sunday night whe leaves monday morning.
 
Has your daughter tried to become involved with after school activities like sport or clubs? That can be important for her future, and if she is *busy* or feel needed there she might not think about missing home so much. Is she home in the weekends from the dorm?
 
I
would like to add that my daughter began staying in the dorm one night a week, Wed. I believe from teh beginning. It was toward the end of the year that we added another day.
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Oooooo that's a great idea jag! Maybe you could do a split placement sort of deal............I don't know if its possible for a res student, but maybe you could have her stay in the dorms for part of the week, and then have her attend a mainstream school that has one of those Deaf programs.
Liza, almost all kids at deaf schools go home for the weekends now. The old days when they only went home for vacations are pretty much long gone (except at MSSD and that only for kids who live too far away to go home even for long weekends)
 
Yeah, St. Rita had international students, and students from out of state who were not able to return home on weekends, but they often went home with friends on weekends.
 
St. Rita had international students, and students from out of state who were not able to return home on weekends,
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Oh really? Did not think about that. However, I'd say that 99% of res kids do go home on the weekends.
Wait..............you said that you have family near the deaf school right? Maybe a good alternaitve would be having your daughter live with your family, and you could come down and be a "mom" every few days.
I can understand and I totally feel for you. It does seem like some of the mainstreamer advocates can be VERY out of touch about how hard it can be to get good accomondations for kids with classic disabilites at mainstream schools.
 
Hearing parent here.

Few questions:

How far away from the school do you live?
Can you go visit with her like, after you get off work?

That might ease her missing being home.

I agree with making the deal to give it a few months and I'll tell you why. Though I am not deaf, I was "weird" as a child. I didn't make friends easily. My mom sent me to overnight camp. I wrote her letters EVERY DAY saying that I wanted to come home in the first week. The second week, she didn't even hear from me because by that time I had made A(one) friend and got into the activities (while, the first week I didn't even try to participate). Third week, I was sad to leave.

Same thing happened when I went off to college. I grew up in PA, but my mom convinced me to go to her alma mater IN FLORIDA!! Again, away from the only friends I had and away from my family. I was very non-social for a few months, but after while, again, I made a friend...or two...or 20! I went home for the major holidays the first semester, but after Christmas my freshman year, my family and friends were begging me to come home! LOL
I would go home with my new friends who were from Florida or Georgia.

All that to say, give it some time and BOTH of you will become more comfortable knowing its what's best for her (is it?).

In today's time, with things like email, MySpace, video and VRS, you can still stay connected (talk every day).

I would let her stay in the school for the school year unless I was unhappy with the curriculum or how she was being treated. Usually, by the end of the school year kids have a buddy that they will miss during the summer. :)
And will want to return to be with their friend. If not, then at LEAST she tried it and gave it a real chance.
 
I'd have her finish the term at least. It can be very hard for kids to transfer in the middle of the term. And I gotta admit..........I do agree somewhat with
Keanusmom. It can be hard to settle in. Everyone remembers the experiance of the experiance (whether it was school, camp etc) where they initally hated it, but then ended up loving it.
I'd examine the reasons why she's homesick. It might be good for her to come home, but on the other hand, it might be good for her to stay at the school.
If she comes home, I'd try to stay involved with the Deaf school. Maybe she could parcipate there on an "enrichment" basis. Like instead of having the services of a TOD, she could go there instead!
 
Keanusmom said:
Hearing parent here.

Few questions:

How far away from the school do you live?
Can you go visit with her like, after you get off work?

That might ease her missing being home.

I agree with making the deal to give it a few months and I'll tell you why. Though I am not deaf, I was "weird" as a child. I didn't make friends easily. My mom sent me to overnight camp. I wrote her letters EVERY DAY saying that I wanted to come home in the first week. The second week, she didn't even hear from me because by that time I had made A(one) friend and got into the activities (while, the first week I didn't even try to participate). Third week, I was sad to leave.

Same thing happened when I went off to college. I grew up in PA, but my mom convinced me to go to her alma mater IN FLORIDA!! Again, away from the only friends I had and away from my family. I was very non-social for a few months, but after while, again, I made a friend...or two...or 20! I went home for the major holidays the first semester, but after Christmas my freshman year, my family and friends were begging me to come home! LOL
I would go home with my new friends who were from Florida or Georgia.

All that to say, give it some time and BOTH of you will become more comfortable knowing its what's best for her (is it?).

In today's time, with things like email, MySpace, video and VRS, you can still stay connected (talk every day).

I would let her stay in the school for the school year unless I was unhappy with the curriculum or how she was being treated. Usually, by the end of the school year kids have a buddy that they will miss during the summer. :)
And will want to return to be with their friend. If not, then at LEAST she tried it and gave it a real chance.
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From another hearing mom, that was excellent advise!
 
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