Married, but....

Steinhauer said:
People who are traumatized by having their family ripped apart aren't exactly selfish, nor do they have their heads up their ass. Divorce is usually one, or both, spouses being selfish and having their heads up their ass.

Divorce is traumatizing for people who actually care about their family. People who don't really care, are usually not traumatized. My sister was traumatized by my parents divorce. It took her nearly 15 years to even speak to my mother again.
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Don't really see what you're getting at here. To make a statement like that shows a great amount of ignorance on your part my friend. I wish all the best for both my mother and father and care about them dearly. I care about them enough to, understand that they are happier apart and life goes on. I also have several friends who's parents are divorced and guess what, they're fine as well. Your sister being traumatized by the fact that your parents split up reflects only on herself, nothing else. On a side note, I'm sorry it took your sister so long to realize its okay. People just realize things at their own pace
 
lucas said:
Don't really see what you're getting at here. To make a statement like that shows a great amount of ignorance on your part my friend. I wish all the best for both my mother and father and care about them dearly. I care about them enough to, understand that they are happier apart and life goes on. I also have several friends who's parents are divorced and guess what, they're fine as well. Your sister being traumatized by the fact that your parents split up reflects only on herself, nothing else. On a side note, I'm sorry it took your sister so long to realize its okay. People just realize things at their own pace
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that is a good post

i mean right now in USA divorce rate is about 60% of all married couples in USA, that is A LOT, so common and its so pathetic to cling to the dogma of 'marriage' , i mean look at Hollywood, divorce of stars is probably 5x the national rate, AND they are famous, susceptible to media exposure...while it might be arguable that their excess wealth 'softens the blows', because like for them, divorces turns every cups and saucers they have into something like 10x or 100x the original value.

These days Kids all of them- little one, big ones, older mid-teens and late teens are far more sophisticated about life, its not 1960s or 1970s anymore...so give them more credit!
 
rockin'robin said:
:laugh2:...what's his problem?...Jock Itch?...maybe it's Crabs?....or his balls weigh a ton?....This is really nuts and hilarious!
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probably because the balls sack hangs so low because of too many ball-sucking he received :laugh2:
 
lucas said:
Don't really see what you're getting at here. To make a statement like that shows a great amount of ignorance on your part my friend. I wish all the best for both my mother and father and care about them dearly. I care about them enough to, understand that they are happier apart and life goes on. I also have several friends who's parents are divorced and guess what, they're fine as well. Your sister being traumatized by the fact that your parents split up reflects only on herself, nothing else. On a side note, I'm sorry it took your sister so long to realize its okay. People just realize things at their own pace
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Actually, making a rash judgement on another person (i.e. calling them ignorant) because you are fine, implies that all divorces are the same. Guess what? They aren't. It sounds as though your parents' divorce was amicable. And just because it took my sister 15 years before she would talk to my mother does not mean she is "okay" with my mother. She decided she would be a good daughter to my mom, and not turn into my mother. I am glad that you are ok with your parents' divorce, and I am glad that some of your friends are also ok. I am guessing you didn't grow up watching your mom or your dad whore themselves. Or, you didn't watch your mom or your dad coming in at 3 a.m. drunk and slapping you around.

not everyone's experiences are the same.
 
:shock::shock:sorry to hear your sister had to witness that....cus i would understand how that could **** a kid up a bit
 
lucas said:
:shock::shock:sorry to hear your sister had to witness that....
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I'm not saying she did. She had a very strong disagreement with my mother's "free spirit' type of living. And for what it is worth, so did my mother's own mom, and her own sister ... they all refused to speak with her for a long long time. I remember making different friends as I got older, and a lot of them noticed I never talked about my mom. Something I hadn't really ever thought about ...

For some people - it's their dad .. their dad bailed on the family - and I must tell you - those wounds are very deep.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-teenage-mind/201110/divorce-hurts-children-even-grown-ones
 
Steinhauer said:
I'm not saying she did. She had a very strong disagreement with my mother's "free spirit' type of living. And for what it is worth, so did my mother's own mom, and her own sister ... they all refused to speak with her for a long long time. I remember making different friends as I got older, and a lot of them noticed I never talked about my mom. Something I hadn't really ever thought about ...

For some people - it's their dad .. their dad bailed on the family - and I must tell you - those wounds are very deep.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-teenage-mind/201110/divorce-hurts-children-even-grown-ones
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Yes, 100%. the wounds are very deep. I know first-hand, as my son, who was 6 at the time of adoption, carried these "wounds" for many years, and still does....He's "emotionally shattered"....He loved his Mother and could not grasp the reason why she abandoned him (drugs)....Same as for his Father....and years of therapy haven't really helped much.

Even I came from a "split" family...due to alcoholism....mother trying to raise 6 kids with no support from our Father...

I've suggested to all 3 of my adopted sons...to wait until they are at least 30...before considering "marriage"...too many "kids" get married at a young age.... not knowing what marriage is really all about.
 
rockin'robin said:
Yes, 100%. the wounds are very deep. I know first-hand, as my son, who was 6 at the time of adoption, carried these "wounds" for many years, and still does....He's "emotionally shattered"....He loved his Mother and could not grasp the reason why she abandoned him (drugs)....Same as for his Father....and years of therapy haven't really helped much.

Even I came from a "split" family...due to alcoholism....mother trying to raise 6 kids with no support from our Father...

I've suggested to all 3 of my adopted sons...to wait until they are at least 30...before considering "marriage"...too many "kids" get married at a young age.... not knowing what marriage is really all about.
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You sound like a great mom :wave:
 
not to take anyone's side but I honestly felt my parents' divorce was a blessing for my brother and I. we saw our dad every other weekend and he did more stuff with us than he ever did in the 10 years he was married to my mom. as a result, we grew closer to him. if they were still married, we would nt have taken us to all these trips. plus we got double Christmas gifts!!! :) I just cannot see my mom and dad married to each other. I love my dad's 2nd wife so much. maybe Ian lucky not to have suffered from my parents' divorce like others did.
 
ah well to each their own steinhauer. What affects one person negatively may affect another positively. What one person may see as a mess another may see as a puzzle. There is no one shoe that fits all in this situation so while i may be right in regards to the situations i have witness I may wrong in the situations you have witnessed and vice versa
 
Steinhauer said:
You sound like a great mom :wave:
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People from my parents generation got married in their 20's and stayed married 60 years or more. I have clients that where married 80 years and they both where 100 yo. I think people attitudes playing a bigger part in why people do not stay married as long today.
 
lucas said:
ah well to each their own steinhauer. What affects one person negatively may affect another positively. What one person may see as a mess another may see as a puzzle. There is no one shoe that fits all in this situation so while i may be right in regards to the situations i have witness I may wrong in the situations you have witnessed and vice versa
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This absolutely right!! there is no blanket that everyone falls under. Every situation is different.

I was seriously surprised by my children's reaction to our split. I hung for far too long for many reasons, one of which was the kids, but staying together for the kids isn't always a good reason. I had left him, brought the kids with me, last march. I left him the house and asked for very little child support because I wanted him to be able to keep it, and have a good place for the kids to stay when they were with him. But he told me he was just going to let them foreclose on us and when they kicked him out he was moving back to NH. That happened sooner than I expected, I found out later he hadn't paid the mortgage since the December, expecting me to leave, so by June the foreclosure notice came in and he moved back to NH. He left right before I came home from work, so he had said his good byes like half an hour before I came home. I expected to come home to upset children, nope. I asked if they were okay, they said they were fine, asked if they were sad, nope they were cool. They have been, actually much better than when we were together, especially my son. I had tons of motivators for leaving but my son starting to throw stuff around when he was mad was a huge one. Staying for the kids should never have been a reason in our case, it just meant they saw crap for longer than they should have.

Not long before we left I posted some lyrics on facebook, I do that a lot, sometimes songs just express everything you're feeling, and sometimes I just get them stuck in my head. Anyway I'd posted lyrics from Linkin Parks I'm About To Break......Everything you say to me, takes me one step closer to the edge (And I'm about to break) I need a little room to breathe,'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge (And I'm about to break)....and my son commented on it...."everything's gong to be okay mom, everything is going to be better". About broke my heart but it let me know I was doing the right thing. I've had many many moments like that since.

I think, sometimes adults don't give kids enough credit, they're young, not stupid, they know what's up. I'm a bit buzzed, a friend I haven't seen in over a year was over, that was probably rambly but hopefully coherent :laugh2:
 
rockin'robin said:
Yes, 100%. the wounds are very deep. I know first-hand, as my son, who was 6 at the time of adoption, carried these "wounds" for many years, and still does....He's "emotionally shattered"....He loved his Mother and could not grasp the reason why she abandoned him (drugs)....Same as for his Father....and years of therapy haven't really helped much.

Even I came from a "split" family...due to alcoholism....mother trying to raise 6 kids with no support from our Father...

I've suggested to all 3 of my adopted sons...to wait until they are at least 30...before considering "marriage"...too many "kids" get married at a young age.... not knowing what marriage is really all about.
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i been there too, but these days its a lot different from what it was at 30-40 years ago...just saying there would be a significant amount of cases where divorces are just 'happened' or even a relief...or even 'typical' (read hollywooders)
 
Grummer said:
i been there too, but these days its a lot different from what it was at 30-40 years ago...just saying there would be a significant amount of cases where divorces are just 'happened' or even a relief...or even 'typical' (read hollywooders)
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30-40 years?...My son just turned 17 in July....as for myself...my mother struggled and worked 3 jobs, was never home....we practically raised ourselves.
 
My parents are divorced, and remarried. They are both extremely happy and content with their new spouse. Sometimes things happen that you didn't foresee... Some kids get traumatized at a young age yes, ( I think traumatized is a little bit if a strong word here for divorce honestly ) but to do so grown up after you yourself have been with people and realize " sometimes it just doesn't work" is ridiculous. I know I for one have been with people I "knew I was going to marry one day" but it just didn't work. Time took its tole and we were separated. Me, and all my siblings are just fine. We don't ever sit back when something happens and say "Oh well mom and dad divorced" or any of that... Come on seriously... If the parents are unhappy together, it will still be better in the end to just separate. Take time for the kid most certainly. However, staying together unhappy will undoubtedly reflect and take its toll on those people and on the kids. Whether it's as severe as suicide ( Yes, it happens sasdly ) or as mild as having arguments all the time that eventually are done in front of kids, or they find out... Or even the fact that your kids CAN tell when you're sick, unhappy ect ect... Your happiness is important and everyone will be okay. The kids will be okay... A divorce doesn't mean you don't love your children any less, it just means you don't love the person you thought you did anymore. Sorry, in all honesty crap happens, and we are human, we misjudge, miscalculate, make MISTAKES and everything. Simplistically put S*** happens, life moves on.
 
Phoenix23 said:
My parents are divorced, and remarried. They are both extremely happy and content with their new spouse. Sometimes things happen that you didn't foresee... Some kids get traumatized at a young age yes, ( I think traumatized is a little bit if a strong word here for divorce honestly ) but to do so grown up after you yourself have been with people and realize " sometimes it just doesn't work" is ridiculous. I know I for one have been with people I "knew I was going to marry one day" but it just didn't work. Time took its tole and we were separated. Me, and all my siblings are just fine. We don't ever sit back when something happens and say "Oh well mom and dad divorced" or any of that... Come on seriously... If the parents are unhappy together, it will still be better in the end to just separate. Take time for the kid most certainly. However, staying together unhappy will undoubtedly reflect and take its toll on those people and on the kids. Whether it's as severe as suicide ( Yes, it happens sasdly ) or as mild as having arguments all the time that eventually are done in front of kids, or they find out... Or even the fact that your kids CAN tell when you're sick, unhappy ect ect... Your happiness is important and everyone will be okay. The kids will be okay... A divorce doesn't mean you don't love your children any less, it just means you don't love the person you thought you did anymore. Sorry, in all honesty crap happens, and we are human, we misjudge, miscalculate, make MISTAKES and everything. Simplistically put S*** happens, life moves on.
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yes I have been through all that, I just 'forgotten all about it' i survived...but i dont remember when was the turning point, there was a lot of inroads of life which makes it hard to pinpoint that...
 
Steinhauer said:
People who are traumatized by having their family ripped apart aren't exactly selfish, nor do they have their heads up their ass. Divorce is usually one, or both, spouses being selfish and having their heads up their ass.

Divorce is traumatizing for people who actually care about their family. People who don't really care, are usually not traumatized. My sister was traumatized by my parents divorce. It took her nearly 15 years to even speak to my mother again.
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I was traumatized by my parents staying together. My dad put me in a roasting pan and put matches around it and was putting me in the stove , my mother came in the kitchen yelling like HELL , dad had some buddies over and they did nothing and older brother thought it was great , my older sister was horrific and felt so helpless. When I had my baby , I had a horrible nightmare that she was kidnap and send back to me in paper bag and been cut up like a chicken! I had this nightmare almost 40 years ago and I can still remember it. My older sister told one of the reason she had a mental break down was from seeing me getting abused all the time and not being able to stop it.
I loved my dad but I sure did not want to live with him. It felt like I was in combat all the time and because I did not get a HA until I was almost 8 yo
I had to be on the lookout for when dad came home as I never knew what kind of mood he would be in. I became very good at learning how to read
body language this way.
 
whatdidyousay!, I 'm sad how much happened to you as a child. You are a strong person to have come through.

When you just wrote about how you learned to watch body language so well, that was so familiar to me! My parents fought a lot when I was a little girl. My mom's mother was physically and emotionally abusive and likely had depression, based on the way my mom has described her. I never met my maternal grandmother. The mother would tell my mom and her younger sister to get out of the house because she wished they <my mom and her sister as children> had never been born, and other things like that. When she was a little girl, my mom spent most of the time away from the house and took her younger sister with her to get her away from the parent. I think my mom's father was gone a lot on business and/or otherwise just didn't see a lot of what happened. So my mother's childhood really affected how she was with my own father. My mom's first husband died suddenly of a heart attack - this was way before I was born.
My mother used to yell and throw things. My dad hold a lot of things in and then stuff would explode. They were always loving to me and showed me affection but not kind to each other when I was young. So I learned early how to watch the body language to see how things might happen, if my mom was going to start screaming or whatever. She would sometimes get hysterical over small things. Sometimes I watched them to know if I should get between them or not - to try to distract them.
I used to watch and see how the energy in the room felt. But I couldn't have explained what I was doing. I saw and felt things, and had ideas in my mind but didn't have the words to express.
 
as far as divorce goes, one time, my parents were fighting and my mom threw hot coffee at my dad. My dad called her a bitch and walked out. I thought he just left. We didn't know what he was going to do. My mom said she was divorce him. I started to cry. I was maybe about 10. Then she that I didn't have to worry, that they wouldn't, because they would stay for me. That was hard, I had lotta mixed feelings about that. As a kid if they had got divorced, I'm sure I would have been upset. But sometimes it's better, too, then having trauma in the house all the time.
 
My parents didn't divorce until I was 18. I'm 24 now and I'm still trying to make peace with it. Some days are good, some days are bad. I know they're both happier this way, and no harm to my step-families and all, but I'd kill to have my family back.

whatdidyousay!--Sending hugs to you if you want them. I'm sorry you had to deal with the things you did. :(
 
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