Making small talk with hearing strangers

[shel90]

A lot of times people will talk continuously and not give you the time to interrupt to let them know. Also, if it's someone we know, why should we have to tell them every time we see them that we are deaf and can't hear? They should learn at some point.

Oh, that is a totally different subject and issue.

I have that issue with my in-laws and I have already expressed how I felt about it. I know it is not going to get any better so I try to make the best of it as I can.

 

[ncff07]

my favorite thing hearies do to us.. is when we ask what did you say? and then after a couple times of not understanding them they say nevermind and go onto talk to someone else..

yea that really ticks me off too. they dont get it. we have trouble understanding HEARING wise not comprehending whats being said. my mom used to do that but now shes gotten so she'll write it down if i dont hear what she says.

 

[shel90]

maybe its one of the things you have to experience. maybe its just us trying not to be rude and say ok i dont want to talk i gotta go or something. maybe its the years of being looked down on by people who think your dumb because you cant hear and have learned just to go with it instead of explaining it and like some have said people tend to ignore it sometimes or look down on you. or maybe its the years of sitting in places/classrooms praying you dont get called on to answer something. maybe its EVERYTHING weve had to put up with over the years.

you dont understand it. its something you have to go through yourself to understand.

 

[LDNanna]

While I am a very friendly person I dont often make a lot of chit chat with strangers. I did used to when I could hear. Later it just seemed like so much bother for so little socialization or information. Ugh.

My first terp friend told me not to speak in public situations. That way the hearing person does not expect me to hear them or to make replies. How does that work? I dunno, it just really does work. I do politely smile, make an effort to lip read ( epic fail ) and that usually does it. They politely drift away. If that does not work, it seems that my best "granny glare" will stop a speeding train. It takes practice and 5 unruly kids. This is what I call my grin, stare or glare method. haha I do sign that I cant hear them if needed.

But yea, I used to feel guilty. I just dont anymore.

My favorite cashiers and tellers and sackers all know me. I even get hugs.

But I dont think its only a deaf thing to do this. Many hearing folks ignore strangers too.

 

[natty_4ever]

I don't start up conversations with total strangers if I don't have to.

FJ, I think someone already said that we don't push to understand all the time because it gets tiring having to question someone repeatedly over and over again what they said. Not to mention, a lot of hearing people don't have that kind of patience and they are convinced we're stupid for not catching it. It's like they believe deaf people have super speech reading powers. But we don't. It would be interrupting every few seconds if I had to ask someone to repeat themselves whenever I didn't get something.

With strangers, I usually just nod and pretend to understand. Most of the time, it isn't worth it for me to acknowledge my deafness, pull out a pen and paper, etc. just for someone to say "Hi, how are you?" When I go out in public where I have to order something by myself, I don't use my voice. I've been told I sound like a hearing person, so therefore people think I'm hearing. I write my order down and hand it to whoever, and point to my ear. Sometimes they yell at me or hand me a braille menu (lol!). If I'm with a hearing person, I order my food with my voice, and they usually just repeat to me whatever the cashier said if I need them to.

 

[melissa]

CJB, I know what you mean- if it's a stranger at the bus stop commenting about the weather it's too much effort for me to say 'What?' and explain that they need to speak clearly if I can't understand them- I'm not going to see them again, and polite chit-chat seems like too much effort for me. Both ways- sometimes I just like to be alone. Example conversation: 'Do you know what time the bus is coming?' 'What?' 'What time is the...oh nevermind, here it is'. Or, as I frequently have at work with my colleague, '..Melissa?' 'What did you say?' 'Huh' 'Eh' then we both end up confused. People don't like repeating themselves more than twice, I've found, and I get fed up having to ask.

I have had debates with Lissa in the past about whether I'm deaf, or hearing, it all seems to be relative. Sometimes I feel like I'm hearing, I just wear hearing aids to improve my hearing. I have joked that I have no problem, it's mumblers who don't face me that are the problem, because under the right circumstances I can have a conversation unaided. When it comes to socialising with a CI user I'm very much aware that I have the 'most' hearing, as I know very few signs.

 

[Frisky Feline]

Oh yeah How annoying it is. I am tired of telling them over and over when I used my voice and sign, telling them that I am deaf. They asked if I can read their lips. I said in voicing and signing, "no, I can't do lip reader". Yet they continuely talking, anyway. :roll: I simply nodded, and told them, "I have to go, bye!"

 

[shel90]

I guess the part where I get lost is when someone allows the conversation to progress when they don't understand. I have never been deaf, but I can't imagine just pretending I understand when I don't. (When I go to Deaf community stuff, I don't just nod, I ask for help when I don't understand. I'm an equal in the communication, I deserve to know.) My daughter is the same way, if she doesn't understand, she asks and we explain.

It is from years and years and years of the same thing of explaining to hearing people over and over and over and over again. Also, this is about deaf adults doing errands or working out. It is hard to focus on comparing food prices or working on muscles when trying to understand random strangers. Big difference from your daughter.

 

[Frisky Feline]

FJ, it seems to me that you have taken shel90's words too personally than any others who have the same experiences as shel90.

 

[Banjo]

The problem is, some people won't take off their rose-coloured glasses.

 

[Frisky Feline]

The problem is, some people won't take off their rose-coloured glasses.

Yeah. That's sad. Thats how I have a hard time telling them to wake up what I was trying to say, " i need to go!"

 

[KristinaB]

I tried explaining to a library worker this morning that I was deaf and would not benefit from a book on tape. (That's the only copy they have of a book I was looking for). He said there was no way that I was deaf, since I could speak and that even if I was deaf, that I wasn't deaf enough to benefit from a book on tape.

Now, I had explained that I was only 4 years total deaf and that I don't hear a thing, he says, "That's no excuse! You can't call yourself deaf if you can talk."

This was a man who sees me every week in the library and has seen my kids do basic sign with me. He has seen other people I know in the library do basic sign with me. He should know and understand.

 

[TWA]

I guess the part where I get lost is when someone allows the conversation to progress when they don't understand. I have never been deaf, but I can't imagine just pretending I understand when I don't. (When I go to Deaf community stuff, I don't just nod, I ask for help when I don't understand. I'm an equal in the communication, I deserve to know.) My daughter is the same way, if she doesn't understand, she asks and we explain.

Stop yourself right there before questioning why we sometimes pretend we can hear/understand when we really can't, or why we don't inform each and every person who attempts to talk to us that we can't hear them and why we can't. Until you've spent years and years without hearing, you won't understand. It doesn't make us dishonest people, or insecure, or lazy, or whatever else. Using your experience going to Deaf community events or your daughter's experience is not a proper analogy. Come back when you've been deaf/hoh your entire life and it is ingrained on your soul. Mmmkay?

 

[shel90]

Stop yourself right there before questioning why we sometimes pretend we can hear/understand when we can't. Until you've spent years and years without hearing, you won't understand. It doesn't make us dishonest people, or insecure, or lazy, or whatever else. Using your experience going to Deaf community events or your daughter's experience is not a proper analogy. Come back when you've been deaf/hoh your entire life and it is ingrained on your soul. Mmmkay?

 

[Frisky Feline]

I agree what thewritealex's post so totally.

 

[Adamsmomma]

Even though I'm "only" HOH I I can't understand speech in noisy areas. I can definitely relate to the frustration of having to explain yourself over and over again. In my case it's explaining that I can hear them but not understand them, that yelling doesn't help, and explaining print on palm, but in the end it's the same thing: having to explain your situation to have a successful conversation. And yet when the conversations are short or just out of niceties, explaining doesn't seem worth it. I fake it in those situations too. Nod and smile, hope they didn't ask a question, and hope the BS answer I came up with made sense to them.

Shoot I'm a hearing person but I don't 'process' speech well in crowded, noisy areas mostly b/c I am uncomfortable in those situations... and my focus isn't on talking, it's on literally managing to stay calm, all I can hear in those instances is my own hearbeat-- you can forget about chitchatting w/me, I can't 'understand' what you're saying to me... especially if I'm in a 'mood' and don't want to be bothered-- or somewhere that I really don't want to get involved w/surrounding people. So I'll do the "uh huh" and nod as well... then usually look for an escape route! LOL But if I'm in a loud/crowded situation and I NEED to know what's being said I'll ask-- but generally it's the same-- nod and hope they don't ask me something important!!! (I admit I do it in places like the Dr office too... where I just don't want to know why the girl sitting next to me is there)

I have to at times explain that Adam is deaf (and maybe doesn't have his HA's in--he likes to take them off in the truck) and that he's not just rude and ignoring someone he just doesn't hear what they're saying-- and then there are times I just let it roll... b/c I don't want to hear the "OOOOH I'm sorry" or have time to explain WHY he's deaf-- etc... just varies...

I think it's a HUMAN thing to regret not taking the time to talk to someone regardless if we're hearing or deaf/HoH... and I don't think Shel was saying she was mad at hearing people... I didn't take offense to it

 

[Deaffy]

Stop yourself right there before questioning why we sometimes pretend we can hear/understand when we really can't, or why we don't inform each and every person who attempts to talk to us that we can't hear them and why we can't. Until you've spent years and years without hearing, you won't understand. It doesn't make us dishonest people, or insecure, or lazy, or whatever else. Using your experience going to Deaf community events or your daughter's experience is not a proper analogy. Come back when you've been deaf/hoh your entire life and it is ingrained on your soul. Mmmkay?

You hit the nail on the head. They will not understand what it is like and how difficult it can be to go on in our daily lives with communication. I too confess to doing this. Sometimes It worked and others I got caught in pretending.

 

[aladinhislamp]

I tried explaining to a library worker this morning that I was deaf and would not benefit from a book on tape. (That's the only copy they have of a book I was looking for). He said there was no way that I was deaf, since I could speak and that even if I was deaf, that I wasn't deaf enough to benefit from a book on tape.

Now, I had explained that I was only 4 years total deaf and that I don't hear a thing, he says, "That's no excuse! You can't call yourself deaf if you can talk."

This was a man who sees me every week in the library and has seen my kids do basic sign with me. He has seen other people I know in the library do basic sign with me. He should know and understand.

This makes me sick on so many levels, I don't even know where to start.

:-o

SO sorry to hear about your experience, Kristina.

 

[Deaffy]

I tried explaining to a library worker this morning that I was deaf and would not benefit from a book on tape. (That's the only copy they have of a book I was looking for). He said there was no way that I was deaf, since I could speak and that even if I was deaf, that I wasn't deaf enough to benefit from a book on tape.

Now, I had explained that I was only 4 years total deaf and that I don't hear a thing, he says, "That's no excuse! You can't call yourself deaf if you can talk."

This was a man who sees me every week in the library and has seen my kids do basic sign with me. He has seen other people I know in the library do basic sign with me. He should know and understand.

If this was me . I would speak with the admin of the library and tell them how this person mistreated you. This is wrong for him to pass judgement on your disability. He has absoulty no grounds to determine how good or bad you can or cannot hear. He does not live in your shoes. I would talk to someone about this. NO ONE deserves this kinda treatment irregardless of wether they have an impairment or not!!!!

 

[sallylou]

When I'm out running errands, I have limited time and I'm thinking of the kids (like getting back to the kids at home or being home when the kids are coming home from school). I usually just smile and nod. It takes too much time and energy for much more.