I really need some help. Deaf/hearing relationship

jshumko said:
I appreciate this discussion because I am also still struggling with this issue. Interpretrator may recall me asking about interpreting in church when I hardly know how to sign. Even though I have made some progress in helping people understand, my frustration level is still too high and church is not suppose to be frustrating. So we've pretty much resolved that problem by not going so much.

Like you, the fact that my husband gets left out of conversations, etc. ticks me off more than it upsets him. And if I make a big deal about it, that upsets him. So it's a balancing act determining what I am able to interpret without getting too upset.

I have tried to teach my family to slow down when having conversation, or to write notes to him. But whenever we get together, the excitement of seeing each other overcomes and my husband is again left out. I am acutely aware and we usually end up signing to each other and ignoring them. I miss out on what they are talking about, but then I think, "Ah heck, it's just my family. I don't have to listen to them." <grin>

I have been thinking about what we might be able to do the next time we get together, such as giving everyone a notepad and pencil and making them write. When I met my husband I had to write everything. If I can do that, so can they.
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Sounds like we are in very similar situations, it totally irks me and bothers me more than it bothers her and what makes her upset is that i get so worked up over it.

We do the same thing when around people we just end up signing to each other not being a part of the rest of whatever is going on.

I do believe something i had the most satisfaction from was hosting a silent dinner with my family when i had my family meet her. So there was no talking aloud for anyone, everything had to be signed or written. None of my family knows any sign so they just had to do PSE.

Maybe i should just do the same with my friends. I really recommend it though, it forces hearing people to rely on other means of communication even with other hearing people and it can be really funny. My girlfriend always enjoys watching people butcher sign, we get a good laugh out of it.

But yes, very much sounds like we are in the exact same position, its not something thats really effecting our relationship but something that is personally weighing on me, i just want to nip it in the bud before it does become a problem.

thank you all for your help/suggestions.
 
NFGTragedy said:
Maybe try and force them to find their own way of communicating which is not through you. By them relying on you to interpret they cut her off even more. Next time they want to talk to her, hand them the paper and pencil and look away. Hopefully then they will be more inclined to include her or talk with her directly once they build their own communication method. If your friends don't act like she is one of their friends then regardless of the fact that she can't hear... she would still feel left out.
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most of my friends i have at least gotten to learn their alphabet and i have taught them the phrase "teach me" so that they can sign to her what it is they want to say and she can teach them how to sign it.

I have been doing what you said, just equipping them and turning my head. I just wish that I could give my friends maturity as easily as i can hand them a peice of paper. Im so tired of the "ohhhhh teach me how to say shit, whore,slut , hell , damn etc..." I realize its amusing but for fucks sake if my friends would but the same initive into learning some basic sign like who what where why, that they put into wanting to learn fuck shit damn and hell they would be able to communicate with no problem.

again, after reading through this i have realized its my friends, they arent friends. A few of them have actually taken tried, and if they dont try to sign they at least dont depend on me and will ask for her SK so they can text a message to her or write it on paper.

Im just to the point whre im about to blow at my friends, if my girlfriend wasnt deaf they wouldnt ignore her, they all talk about how much they love her and how fun she is. Im about to just say if you arent willing to speak to my girlfriend and quit acting like she has the fucking plague then we cant hang out.

sorry im ranting but im just frustrated, i guess you learn just how immature some people you thought were friends really are in a situation like this.
 
Your Mom said:
See the thing is I have tried to make my hearing friends experience deaf culture
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Well...trying to *make* anyone experience anything has a good chance of failure. I actually don't suggest you bother with that since your friends are clearly not receptive, but just try to make clear the mechanics of interpreting.

Like sometimes I end up in a class where the teacher is harmfully ignorant about how to interact with the deaf student(s). I'll start off trying to do some basic education since sometimes they really are interested in improving, but there have been times where I give up and just concentrate on getting him or her to talk directly to the student.

Obviously your friends aren't interested in deaf culture, but at least they might be able to be more understanding about the conversation if they know that while you might sign well, interpreting is a different animal.
 
Your Mom said:
I have been doing what you said, just equipping them and turning my head. I just wish that I could give my friends maturity as easily as i can hand them a peice of paper. Im so tired of the "ohhhhh teach me how to say shit, whore,slut , hell , damn etc..." I realize its amusing but for fucks sake if my friends would but the same initive into learning some basic sign like who what where why, that they put into wanting to learn fuck shit damn and hell they would be able to communicate with no problem.
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I know exactly what you mean about the whole 'teach me curse words' deal. I have seen it far too much. To be honest... if your friends really wanted to talk with her they probably would have learned sign for their own benefit and to build on their relationship with your girlfriend. I'm not trying to bad mouth your friends but thats just my opinion when things like this happen. Everyone is open for their own opinions.
 
I love your idea about the silent dinner. Thanks. It appears to me you are doing a better job with this than I am. At least you've got some people learning how to sign (even if it is swear words). Although your friends seem worth dumping. I can't seem to get people to learn a single letter. Well, there is one man in church who is learning how to fingerspell, but since he rarely gets an opportunity to practice, he forgets. My approach in teaching people is not working as well as I hoped it would.

One thing that is difficult for me with church is that everyone seems to think I'm doing such a great job. (I never should have signed that hymn.) So I get the impression that when I try to explain that I'm not an interpreter, they are thinking I'm just being modest. And knowing those people like I do, if we stop going to church then it's my fault for shirking my duty in wifely support.

So, here is my latest attempt at educating people. We have a new teacher in one of our Sunday School classes and he has invited my husband and I to join his class. It's usually a small class, so we have attempted to participate in the past. As you might suspect, my husband gets little out of the class, and at the end of it I have a headache. I did have one hilarious experience though when someone was sharing her opinion about something while my husband was signing to me his exact opposite opinion. I'm sure some people were wondering why I was laughing. Anyway, we stopped going to the class several weeks ago.

I told my husband that if he really wanted to go to the class, I would talk to the teacher about it. He said ok. I gave the teacher a copy of "How to Work with a Deaf Person", an article I found at http://www.ntid.rit.edu/nce/HowToWork.pdf. It is for employment but much of it seems to fit with our church situations. I explained that I am not an interpreter, that I knew that simply being a teacher is plenty of work, and if this is going to work, we would need the cooperation of all of the class members. He could talk to them about it if he wished, and then let me know what he thinks.

This is the best approach I could think of considering how high my frustration level is and really wanting to not go at all. So this is a test to see just how much they want to include my husband in the class. I'll let you know what happens.
 
I received an email from the teacher a few minutes ago saying how much he appreciated getting the article and how helpful it is. He said he will prepare an outline each week for my husband. And they would love for both of us to come.

My immediate reaction was he still is not getting it. So I just sent him an email explaining it further. Perhaps the following paragraph will help him understand my position.

"I actually would prefer it if I didn't have to interpret anything. As an "interpreter", I am the one teaching him, other than what he reads either from the book or from your outlines. I have to abbreviate what people say and often I tell him only what I think is most important. That may not be the best thing for him to know. I have been known to not tell him things that I think are not important enough to expend so much energy in signing. He often misses out on the opinions of other people. I do not know how to resolve that other than making people write their opinions on the board."

I went on to explain the problems with my husband receiving information a few minutes after it has been presented, and that finding a real interpreter would solve a lot of problems. I did tell the teacher that we would probably show up for the class but since we have other frustrating things going on in our lives, we might miss it. Of course, I closed the email by telling him I appreciate how much he and others care about us, which I really do. They are great people in spite of their ignorance.
 
Interpretrator said:
Well...trying to *make* anyone experience anything has a good chance of failure. I actually don't suggest you bother with that since your friends are clearly not receptive, but just try to make clear the mechanics of interpreting.

Like sometimes I end up in a class where the teacher is harmfully ignorant about how to interact with the deaf student(s). I'll start off trying to do some basic education since sometimes they really are interested in improving, but there have been times where I give up and just concentrate on getting him or her to talk directly to the student.

Obviously your friends aren't interested in deaf culture, but at least they might be able to be more understanding about the conversation if they know that while you might sign well, interpreting is a different animal.
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I apologize again for my word choice, make was not the right word. I tried to just let them experience it, i had some of my friends go with us to a gathering with some of my girlfriends other deaf friends.

Im frustrated more than anything.
 
jshumko said:
I received an email from the teacher a few minutes ago saying how much he appreciated getting the article and how helpful it is. He said he will prepare an outline each week for my husband. And they would love for both of us to come.

My immediate reaction was he still is not getting it. So I just sent him an email explaining it further. Perhaps the following paragraph will help him understand my position.

"I actually would prefer it if I didn't have to interpret anything. As an "interpreter", I am the one teaching him, other than what he reads either from the book or from your outlines. I have to abbreviate what people say and often I tell him only what I think is most important. That may not be the best thing for him to know. I have been known to not tell him things that I think are not important enough to expend so much energy in signing. He often misses out on the opinions of other people. I do not know how to resolve that other than making people write their opinions on the board."

I went on to explain the problems with my husband receiving information a few minutes after it has been presented, and that finding a real interpreter would solve a lot of problems. I did tell the teacher that we would probably show up for the class but since we have other frustrating things going on in our lives, we might miss it. Of course, I closed the email by telling him I appreciate how much he and others care about us, which I really do. They are great people in spite of their ignorance.
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I couldnt agree with you more, people see my signing with my girlfriend and just assume that im fluent, and when i tell them to pause while speaking so i can get everything in they dont understand how i can sign so fast while speaking just to her but when interpreting i have to have everything slowed down a few notches.

I also find my self leaving out things that i personally dont find important enough to sign, and just sort of picking apart the main parts of what someone is saying rather than the entire thing.

What I am most thankful for is that she understands how difficult it is and just appreciates that I even try. I am her first hearing girlfriend and she is my first deaf girlfriend so its a new world for both of us.

I do admire that you even take the initive to try to get involved in a church class. I think the single most frustrating thing I have come across is movie theaters and I just cant help but getting red in the face when i find a theather that doesnt offer CC at all.

: o(
 
Your Mom said:
I think the single most frustrating thing I have come across is movie theaters and I just cant help but getting red in the face when i find a theather that doesnt offer CC at all.
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More theaters should have CC in my opinion if not all of them. I'm not saying every movie be captioned but atleast 1 movie a day should be. I do go to school in rochester which is greatly influenced by the deaf community and therefore has many cc movies... but if we go anywhere away from there, such as home, we are on our own. My girlfriend doesn't mind sitting through a non cc movie but it still bothers me a lot. She just says to keep her informed on some of the big important things but I always feel I can't explain alot about the movie and am stuck just briefly explaining things. :( I guess it bothers me more then her but that happens alot it seems. I've gotten more used to just watching older films through my netflix account and it seems to work better that way. It kinda sucks we can't go watch all the new films like everyone else and enjoy them to the fullest. We still, to this day, go to see movies even without CC... but I try my hardest to find CC movies even if they are hella far away.
 
NFGTragedy said:
More theaters should have CC in my opinion if not all of them. I'm not saying every movie be captioned but atleast 1 movie a day should be. I do go to school in rochester which is greatly influenced by the deaf community and therefore has many cc movies... but if we go anywhere away from there, such as home, we are on our own. My girlfriend doesn't mind sitting through a non cc movie but it still bothers me a lot. She just says to keep her informed on some of the big important things but I always feel I can't explain alot about the movie and am stuck just briefly explaining things. :( I guess it bothers me more then her but that happens alot it seems. I've gotten more used to just watching older films through my netflix account and it seems to work better that way. It kinda sucks we can't go watch all the new films like everyone else and enjoy them to the fullest. We still, to this day, go to see movies even without CC... but I try my hardest to find CC movies even if they are hella far away.
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Same here I always find that I am more bothered by it than her. We both really want to see the movie accepted. I think that possibly there is a theater in little rock that has CC options. I just dont understand whats so difficult about CC, its so readily available on dvds, why would movies in a theater be any different? I understand that it costs about 4,000 dollars per movie to add CC to it, but with all the millions these films take to make and the millions in revenue that they bring in i dont understand how 4000 dollars is a demeaning plea.

Its really nice to find someone else who understands how I am feeling.
 
I am deaf and my husband is hearing. We are together for 12 years and married for 10 years. We have big challage in our life. I dont depend him what his friends or whoever say because They are guy but I would join and my husband will tell me what they say or tell them what I say. My husband was interesting in join deaf world but deaf people didnt welcome him. He tried be friend with them but it was not easy at all. I had to turn my own deaf friends down because they didn't accept my husband. He do same thing with his hearing friends. He dont hung around with them if they don't accept me. We feel even each other. My husband would get so angry if hearing people against deaf or make fun of deaf. But He dont have this happen very often because he know how find a true friends. We don't need a false friends!

I would like suggest you, Your mom. Tell your girlfriend to bring a paper and pen to talk to your friends. I always do that for years. I don't feel left out that I joined my husband's group or our friends. I am not afaird to talk to them. They thought it was so cool for me to write and don't feel leave out.
I will alway stick with pen and paper forever.

About my husband's family and my family. My family dont know any sign language so I have to bring paper and pen to talk to them. His family, His sister is deaf so we can talk and his some family know sign language.

Love and trust are a key!
 
Your Mom said:
Same here I always find that I am more bothered by it than her. We both really want to see the movie accepted. I think that possibly there is a theater in little rock that has CC options. I just dont understand whats so difficult about CC, its so readily available on dvds, why would movies in a theater be any different? I understand that it costs about 4,000 dollars per movie to add CC to it, but with all the millions these films take to make and the millions in revenue that they bring in i dont understand how 4000 dollars is a demeaning plea.

Its really nice to find someone else who understands how I am feeling.
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I think it has something to do with people complaining about the CC to be honest. Whenever I go to a CC movie they always make a point to inform you that the movie has CC before you go in... why would they do that unless they had someone complain and force them to do that. If anything the CC makes you understand more being that it is visual. I have yet to be in a situation where I felt it distracted me at all. I even have CC on my tv at home even when my gf isn't around. Some people just suck and anything out of the ordinary throws off their whole life plan even if that be little white letters on the bottom of their movie. It is them who we are to thank for why it is so "unaccepted"...
 
Our church puts out a magazine every month with articles from church leaders and other people. It's funny that after giving our Sunday School teacher the article on how to work with a deaf person, this month's magazine has a great article titled, "Hearing with the Heart". It includes ideas for teaching and including the deaf. I emailed the link to our Sunday School teacher in case he didn't get it. It was fun to read about people that my husband and I have met and know.

I am happy that someone felt a need for an article like this that would be read churchwide. Maybe they won't think that I'm just blowing smoke when I try to explain things, and that I need some cooperation here.

Regarding CC movies, we have one theatre here that I am aware of that has open captioned movies. They don't seem to have many people that go however. A couple of times my husband and I were the only two people in the theatre (kind of romantic, really).
 
This approaches the same subject from a different perspective. I am the mother of a deaf son. He is the only deaf person in our family. I know that I used to get exhausted trying to always interpret every conversation when he was in the room. Sometimes I used to feel like, I am so tired; I just want to talk and not have to sign. I think that is a natural feeling to have. But then I would stop and think how frustrating it would be if I was sitting in a room where people were talking and I didn't know what was going on. I'd realize that I had to do this for him, because no one else could. So I'd shake my hands to get the feeling back, and start signing again.

I think its very natural to get tired and frustrated with the situation. That doesn't mean that you are tired and frustrated with the person. When he started school, I got some breaks and it made the situation less exhausting.
 
Your Mom.... you mentioned you left out some to interpreter for your gf...It is wrong.... My husband was hearing... I wont let him leaving some out i have a right to know what was going on even if it mean every word.. It was wrong of you....
SxyPorkie
 
I can understand where you come from, Your Mom. First of all, I want to know how long you both are together?

Let me tell you.

It´s an exactly example what I has with my hearing co-worker. She sign very good because we (2) work together in the same office for over 14 years. She knows my voice and movement as I know her movement as well including her lips... We often read our mind without say each other. I do not look her as interpreter but my good friend.

At begin, I was left out alot... She feel bad like the exactly same as what you describe your feeling for your girlfriend. She used paper and pen to write conversation with me and then determine to learn sign... because she think it´s easy to use sign language than write conversation. She tell me everything what office gossip about... what news etc... BUT.....She feel bad that I left out when we were with group. She like to chat with people in parties... etc... sometimes she tell me during group conversation... I told her to not worry... I am good patience because I know she will tell me later... Let her enjoy herself... After party over, she tell me everything in the office... I accept what she is... sometimes I saw angry expression on their faces, I ask her what is... She always said... "I will talk you in our office later because it´s too long and problem..." sometimes she talked me front of them when there´re short and funny things... small problem... if long problem then talk in our office. I´m satisfy the way what she did for me... I would not demand her to tell me 100% because I want her feel like to talk, not feel obligate to talk. I guess because we know each other for over 20 years and work together in the same office for 14 years... it´s long time to understand each other... I doesn´t feel left out alot as before... I brought her to meet my deaf friends few times... She enjoyed herself but she got me to interpete her what they talking about because she hard to catch their fast sign lanuages.. She said to me that she noticed that they sign without voice... real faster... :lol: She can image how good patience I am and make sure that she won´t left out when we were with deaf friends.
 
Hearing/Deaf relationship

Hi,

YourMom, You know that your g/f is very lucky that you try so hard to engage her in activities with your friend.

I am deaf. I used to have relationship with hearing girl I met through MySpace then I met her in person 3 months later. We were together for 8 months. When I first met her, she invites many of her friends to come to meet me at her house. I didn't feel left out because group was small. I was center of attention that night. Her dad and my dad thought she was crazy for doing that. They was comfortable talking to me through Alphasmart keyboard device and through my ex-girlfriend.

But when I came back 5 months later, I was left out during her prom. I had to start conversation with people. They was hesistant to start conversation with me. My ex became frustrated because I sat in reception room and feeling left out. She was almost in tears because she want to kept dancing. But I didn't want to do anything because I was left out. When we were walking out, there was police and ambulance. I asked her what was going on. She snapped at me and said "I will tell you later." then she finally said something then we drove to drop off 2 people, one to overnight party and other to home. When we drop one person off, she signed "I will tell you everything later." We got home, she start whining to her parents about what was going on at prom. When we went upstair to change clothes, I almost didn't want to go to her friend's house for social. Also, I almost call my relatives who lives nearby to take me in because of how my ex treated me that night.

I forgot to add that she made me to believe that she was fluent in sign language but she was not.

We broke up 1 week later.

Now, I am in very happy relationship with Deafghostfreak for 9 months!
 
SxyPorkie said:
Your Mom.... you mentioned you left out some to interpreter for your gf...It is wrong.... My husband was hearing... I wont let him leaving some out i have a right to know what was going on even if it mean every word.. It was wrong of you....
SxyPorkie
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Please dont be rude to me, i have only known sign for about a month and a half and its impossible for me to interpret everything word for word right now, my girlriend is very understanding, she cant read lips to an extent and if she ever feels left out or confused about what is going on she asks me.

I think its incredibly rude of you to not have any respect for the fact that I am even trying, it is impossible for me to get every single word that is said in there.

I feel bad for your husband, at least my girlfriend has respect and loves that I am even trying to learn a second language she understands how hard it is and loves that I am trying and learning new words every day. So if it bothers you so much, please excuse your self from this thread.

You really struck a nerve with me, its not wrong of me at all.
 
RustyLastCall05 said:
Hi,

YourMom, You know that your g/f is very lucky that you try so hard to engage her in activities with your friend.

I am deaf. I used to have relationship with hearing girl I met through MySpace then I met her in person 3 months later. We were together for 8 months. When I first met her, she invites many of her friends to come to meet me at her house. I didn't feel left out because group was small. I was center of attention that night. Her dad and my dad thought she was crazy for doing that. They was comfortable talking to me through Alphasmart keyboard device and through my ex-girlfriend.

But when I came back 5 months later, I was left out during her prom. I had to start conversation with people. They was hesistant to start conversation with me. My ex became frustrated because I sat in reception room and feeling left out. She was almost in tears because she want to kept dancing. But I didn't want to do anything because I was left out. When we were walking out, there was police and ambulance. I asked her what was going on. She snapped at me and said "I will tell you later." then she finally said something then we drove to drop off 2 people, one to overnight party and other to home. When we drop one person off, she signed "I will tell you everything later." We got home, she start whining to her parents about what was going on at prom. When we went upstair to change clothes, I almost didn't want to go to her friend's house for social. Also, I almost call my relatives who lives nearby to take me in because of how my ex treated me that night.

I forgot to add that she made me to believe that she was fluent in sign language but she was not.

We broke up 1 week later.

Now, I am in very happy relationship with Deafghostfreak for 9 months!
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I am to the point of sign where I can be around her friends and know whats being said, and her and I can talk with no problem but I have only been trying to learn to interpret for about a month and a half, my sign is what i would consider decent, but my interpreting skills are...well shitty.

But one thing that I always make sure of is i NEVER say "oh nothing, tell you later" I always let her know whats going on, but if i can sign every detail right then i will just say something like "oh cops and sirens, very loud, someones screaming looks like a wreck i will sign more in just a bit"

I always feel left out and bad when even hearing people tell me that they will tell me something later, so its something that I wouldnt say to another hearing person much less a deaf person. She has every right to know right then and there whats going on and I would never leave her out.

Im really sorry to hear about how she treated you, she sounds incredibly insenstive, im happy that you found a girl that you like and doesnt treat you that way now.
 
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