How did you handle your deafness/hoh while growing up?

You amazing too ((((Dixie))))
 
Its a bit ironic that me and you went through the same state public school system, huh? That tells you how accommodating AR public schools are, huh?
 
I havent been able to hear good all my life. but only just recently had a doctor look into it. growing up, i was always in trouble, my mom (abusive) always used it as a reason for beating me up. "why dont you ever listen to me" 'why do you ignore me all the time" ect (only meaner, using curse words) and the school TOLD my mom that i needed my hearing checked. but she never did. i needed braces too and i never got them, and i needed asthma treatment, and other things.
even as i got older it never got any better, except i was bigger than she was so she couldnt hit me anymore. now im called 'hellen keller' as an insult by my siblings, (because i talk too loud) my mom says rude things like 'its selective hearing, your not deaf quit acting like it'

thankfully, a few months ago i started seeing a psychologist and was able to make myself walk away from my 'family' and never look back. i havent seen them in a while now. and me (and my daughter, who is 7yrs) are so much happier for it. my daughter is autistic and they called her the R word and stupid and idiot all the time. all the more reason i left and never went back.


WOW sorry that turned out so long!!! :(
 
Dixie said:
Its a bit ironic that me and you went through the same state public school system, huh? That tells you how accommodating AR public schools are, huh?
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Dixie yes!!!!!! That is one huge thing that pro mainstreamers seem to completely and totally miss. The education and support offered in a solotaire setting is NOT uniform at ALL. I think actually that back when the mainstreaming law took place, kids who had a good solid base of training and specialized education were mainstreamed, and the experts saw that and thought that "oh if kids do that well imagine how well they could do when mainstramed right off the bat!"
One thing too that angers me to no end is that hearing/sighted/nondisabled educational admins seem to harp endlessly on how wonderful The Neighborhood School Placement is. They really do brush under the rug the HUGE downsides. It's almost like they're in the 1920's and they're still preoccupied with how kids who attend Sight Saving Resource Rooms(old style blind/low vision resource room) will be a graduate of that particualr school without the stigma of SPESHAL needs.
It angers me to no end that I never got to have a real connection to ANY of the schools I attended. Seriously, I simply attended classes in my schools. I was not a real part of a real vibrant community a la the schools for the Deaf.
Check this out. It's about a School for the Blind that got shut down: Comment on Closure
and how the hardcore alums are seeing kids who wish they had known about blind school and the social advantages of blind school. Sound familiar?
I was reading the alumni newsletter of a blind school. ...there were 80 year old alums checking in and getting together with old school chums...80 year olds!!!! That says a lot!
 
For me, I did not have to handle it growing up because my parents told me I could hear. What I had to handle was trying to be a hearie when I knew I was not.

What was that? :giggle:
 
rebeccalj said:
For me, I did not have to handle it growing up because my parents told me I could hear. What I had to handle was trying to be a hearie when I knew I was not.

What was that? :giggle:
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i dont know, but it was the same for me, it was alot like the 'world didnt care' feeling , it was horrible, and alot of it still persists

i think its called isolation , or in a different way of thinking 'social death' nevermind with it is (and no im not treating you like hearies saying nevermind, it is seriously a deep, and difficult one to explain what is social death)..its not too hard to guess with it is, to be honest im just too lazy to type up a whole explanation of it right now as i just have had it with the essay im doing right now, i need a rest..

but yah, its both, depending which ways you're looking at it, isolation, social death , there could be more...any one??
 
jenniepepsi said:
I havent been able to hear good all my life. but only just recently had a doctor look into it. growing up, i was always in trouble, my mom (abusive) always used it as a reason for beating me up. "why dont you ever listen to me" 'why do you ignore me all the time" ect (only meaner, using curse words) and the school TOLD my mom that i needed my hearing checked. but she never did. i needed braces too and i never got them, and i needed asthma treatment, and other things.
even as i got older it never got any better, except i was bigger than she was so she couldnt hit me anymore. now im called 'hellen keller' as an insult by my siblings, (because i talk too loud) my mom says rude things like 'its selective hearing, your not deaf quit acting like it'

thankfully, a few months ago i started seeing a psychologist and was able to make myself walk away from my 'family' and never look back. i havent seen them in a while now. and me (and my daughter, who is 7yrs) are so much happier for it. my daughter is autistic and they called her the R word and stupid and idiot all the time. all the more reason i left and never went back.


WOW sorry that turned out so long!!! :(
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:hug:
 
rebeccalj said:
For me, I did not have to handle it growing up because my parents told me I could hear. What I had to handle was trying to be a hearie when I knew I was not.

What was that? :giggle:
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And there are parents on AD claiming their deaf kids can hear. Do they have any clue how damaging that message can be?
 
DeafCaroline said:
My favourite place in the world growing up were libraries too. Books were my salvation and my escape from isolation and loneliness and bullying. I fell asleep with the book on my face every night. It was a nightly routine for my mother to come into my room to take the book away and turn off the light.
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:) One wall of my bedroom was essentially a very long/large bookcase. It was full of books on all sorts of stuff. Aside from the library, my favorite place to go was Waldenbooks, which always had books on clearance. Constantly bought books. At one time, I'm sure I had over 400 books, which caused me sister to say she's never helping me to move again. But she always helps me move again. :giggle:

I've pared down my collection of books over the years. Now before I consider buying a new book, I check the local libraries to see if they have it already. I probably have something like 100-120 books now.

Books were indeed a salvation and escape.

Went through similar experiences - and I especially understand the pissed off part - and wishing that my life was different, that my childhood and education was different. That my parents did things differently. That school was easier and not such a lonely place to be, the list goes on. I always wished for what I didn't have. It was always "woulda, coulda, shoulda"
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Yeah, everyone, deaf or not, has stuff they wish was different. If I didn't feel like I was spinning my wheels so much, I would probably not be as pissed off about it. So getting some traction and some successes under my belt will help a lot.

Getting my IT degree will help a lot. Although I'm impatient, because I want to start working in IT now. But I have to pay my "dues". It will at least double my previous work income where I live, and possibly triple my previous income if I go to a large city. That will help me find the money to get the other stuff done that I want to do.

At some point, you have to let it go otherwise it dominates your mindscape and your emotions and your psyche - it affects how you relate to other people. All the anger and wishing in the world will not turn back time. One can't be happy if they're filled with anger and resentment. And one can't get out of depression if they're dwelling on the past they should have had. I had some dark periods in my life where I felt alone, utterly alone and in great despair.
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You're right... the internal mindset is so important in how we live life. I think part of the benefit in talking about this here, is to realize that having these feelings about my past is OKAY. Because I have felt increasingly like this for the past 3 or 4 years in particular, but I haven't had anyone to talk to about it. No one that would understand, anyway. Now I can talk about it, and I realize that plenty of other d/hh people feel the same way. It's a normal and typical response to the life we grew up with. It's okay. Now it's time to learn to come to terms with it and move on and live life.

(Although I reserve to right to rant again in the future.) ;)

It was when I made a conscious decision to let the past go, to let the "I should have had this life instead, things should have been handled differently, I should have had ASL and deaf friends growing up, etc etc etc" - once I let it go and shifted from the past to the present and the future, then I became happier and far more hopeful and optimistic.
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I think part of the 'trick' to becoming satisfied with the present is to improve the present. My past (and current present) has been one of isolation. I need to work hard to connect with other d/hh people in my city and elsewhere and learn ASL. To create what I didn't have before. I think as I do that, I'll feel better. But I need to work hard, because this isolation has become something of a familiar pattern for me, so I need to push myself to reach out.

I truly understand your sentiments, believe me.

Don't think about how you wasted 16 years or wish that you had this or that. It's destructive and it's exactly that kind of thinking that will lead you into depression over and over again.

You're here on AD, making friends and finding that others have been in your shoes and understand you. That alone is very gratifying and really helpful psychologically. Learning sign language and making some deaf friends will go a long way in making you feel at ease in your skin and comfortable with who you are. The happier you are in the present, the more you'll be able to move on from the past.
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:ty:
 
deafdyke said:
On the other hand Deaf Caroline, ranting like this can be cathathic. I think that mainstream school can and does cause PSTD. It can ALSO alert the lurkers of mainstreamed oral dhh kids that maybe just MAYBE it might be a good idea to add ASL and Deaf culture.
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You know, I've wondered about that. Whether mainstreaming causes PTSD. I mean, they say that watching too much violence on TV can cause PTSD. I have a lot of anxiety in social situations with hearing people. Because when I talk to new hearing people, it's yet *another* round of social miscues and explanations and so on. I try less and less to connect with hearing people these days, and that's not really a good thing, I think.
 
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deafdyke said:
That brings up another good point. The social issues that mainstreamed and oral dhh kids deal with are bordering on ABUSE and neglect. If the social issues that mainstreamed and oral kids deal with, were seen in the family, the kid would be removed from the family immeditaly! But yet the experts yammer on and on and on about how wonderful and glorious mainstreaming/inclusion is. I remember when i vended at the Clarke School mainstreaming conference it took ALL I had to keep from speaking out. Heck, not only are we bullied and ostracized a lot, we don't even get proper social emotional development. Some of us do survive that. Which is good. Heck I did....but the only reason I did was b/c I went to an AMAZING all girls camp as a teen. But then again we get SO many dhh kids turn into dhh adults who are emotionally and socially stunted. I can tell you horror stories.....Like the girl who was solotaired and she was so lonely and had such crappy self esteem that she "fell in love" with a guy who was mentally abusive and controlling, and did coke, and brake fluid. He told her that if he killed her they would never find the body?!?! But she had never really gotten attention or love and was so desperate for love, she stayed with him b/c he was so sweet?!?!?!
Then I know another girl who is in with "friends" and a "boyfriend" who basicly uses her. Again she was solotaired and had a crappy social life in school....I rmemeber one time she signed onto Facebook and her check in showed that she was at Mcdonald's with her boyfriend and some friends. I asked her why she wasn't talking to her boyfriend and she said that he didn't like talking to her?!?!?! :shock: I keep encouraging her to dump him, and to find another guy who she could start out as friends with, instead of "oh we're boyfriend/girlfriend...Time to have sex instead of developing a honest to god realtionship" sort of dealie. She says she starts out with realtionships. Quite frankly I don't even think she even KNOWS how to make friends, and is just going to end up scewed up emotionally looking for "love" in all the wrong places.
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I think one of the things that people in general get in a social environment is what I would call "social calibration". Maybe i'm expounding on a concept already known by a different name.

But what I notice among hearing people is that they calibrate to each other. They have all these subtle and not-so-subtle ways of finding a social equilibrium. They find common interests and affiliations this way. They gauge each other's position and tolerance (or intolerance).

When hearing people are growing up, they overhear each other. They overhear people gossiping. They overhear a guy trying to ask a girl out on a date. They accumulate this huge stream of information into a working knowledge of the social world of humans.

And I figure that's why dating hasn't been so easy for me. It's not for lack of trying to approach. It's that my approaches don't often seem to 'click' with the hearing girl I'm approaching. I don't know what I'm doing right or wrong. If I could hear examples of others doing this, I would probably know from other people's experience, what works and doesn't work.

So also with how to get a job from a hearing boss and other, endless, social interactions.

So I imagine that a d/hh person who grew up solitary would miss out on the social calibration in the hearing world, AND miss out on the social calibration in the d/hh world. Talk about a double whammy.
 
DeafCaroline said:
Ranting can be VERY cathartic, especially when ranting to an audience that understands you and where you're coming from. When i first started posting here in April, I practically projectile-vomited rants, wrote long long posts about growing up oral deaf. And truth be told, the first month of hanging out here, I cried practically every day...40 years of pent up feelings came pouring out, and it was such a relief for up until this year, I was just about the only deaf person I knew personally.
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Yeah, this forum is dredging up stuff from a long time ago that I had worked hard to put way, simply because I didn't think there was any point to rehashing the stuff again. But this time, here's a forum full of people who get it.

This time, when I talk, people listen and understand.

I'm also coming to terms with what my deafness really is. And I'm starting to call it my deafness, instead of my hearing loss.

It's a different and cathartic experience this time. In a good way. :)

Deafbadger - hope I didn't give the impression you can't let it all out. You definitely should. AD has done so much in terms of helping me achieve self-acceptance as a deaf person and as a result, I'm much happier for it. I give AD and its members a LOT of credit for that. I hope it does the same for you :)
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No, I didn't get that kind of impression from you at all. No worries! :) Thank you for listening and sharing your stories, too.
 
Dixie said:
DeafBadger,
I had a very similar experience as you. I was diagnosed as deaf at age 4, but they said I had some hearing in my right ear. I was never fitted with hearing aids and instead I was put in speech therapy classes. I struggled quite a bit in Kindergarten and first grade. In second grade I was given an FM system to use and OMG - I started making all A's and B's in my schoolwork. Sadly, some other kids were jealous that I was getting all of this extra attention so the FM system was taken away when I started third grade. My grades were so horrible that year - I borderline I had to attend summer school. Mostly because I didn't understand what was being said in the classroom and no one seemed to see this.
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They *took away* your FM system??? That is downright *evil!* I'm sorry, that was just wrong. Why would the teachers care about how "jealous" other students become? You needed the FM system, it helped you, you should have had it! Period! ARgghh! :mad:

Because I was often a loner I would pour myself out through art, books, and writing. From grade 3 on, I was known as the deaf girl that could draw really well. There was no art program at my school to speak of so this wasn't really all that well nurtured or encouraged. Art at my school was basically the history of various art forms and classical art from the Greeks and Romans as well as the famous four artists. (Da Vinci, Michealangelo, Raphael, Picasso

I was continuously picked on and bullied. I was always the different one. I even remember I was 13 years old and my dad even told me that I was different and not in a good way. I knew I was deaf but I was always taught to hide it as best I could. My mom told me to always fake it. So I would just smile and nod my head because this got immediate positive results from people, although I never had a clue as to what was actually going on.
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:( I'm so sorry that your parents said that to you. That must have been such a let down.

I did the "bluffing" thing before... still do. A group of hearing people laugh, I laugh along, not knowing what the joke was. Or just smile with the group, not knowing what's going on. Or frowning with the group, not knowing what's going on. I don't want to be smiling when someone is telling the hearing group that their grandma passed away... but how would I know? Frustrating, isn't it?

I wanted to play basketball, but my parents forbade me to because I couldn't hear. Finally after years of begging, I was allowed to practice with the 8th grade team and suit out for games but I never got any game time unless we were ridiculously ahead or ridiculously behind. I think I did OK, at least until we got a new coach in grade 10. I didn't like him so I left basketball to run cross country and track full time. Boy am I glad I did that. I got to the point that I couldn't do anything else so I would just go out running all the time.
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I tried to join a basketball team in grade school, but was laughed off the team by the bullies. I never tried to join again.

In late junior high, I joined a fencing club (outside of school) with some hearing friends, so I did compete on the state level in fencing. That was fun. :)

I'm glad you were able to do some sports.

I had no support services, nothing. My dad thought I had low IQ so whenever I would pick my electives, he would run to the school before I could ever have a chance to see my schedule and he would take me out of all of the regular classes and convince the school to place me in remedial classes. This is kind of funny because later I was tested at VRS and they said my reading, writing, and mathematical concepts were at college level or above. They said my writing was on par of someone who was writing a paper for grad school. So that told me that I wasn't stupid, I just wasn't given the chance.
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Oh geez.. :(

For years I went around feeling just stupid really. The mainstream schools made me feel this way. My parents were fed a bunch of audist crap and they never allowed me to have a say in anything. I felt like what I was feeling didn't matter.

Well recently I've been going through this transformation so to speak and now I've got people telling me left and right that I need to be writing this stuff down. I keep telling myself; "I don't know. I mean, yeah now it sounds good but what will it sound like four or five years down the road from now?"
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I want to write about my experiences too, but I'm kind of torn between talking about it and risking the possibility that my family might read it here someday. Not that they'd scold me for it, but I just don't want to make them feel bad.

But on the other hand, I think it is important to have a record of how you progress through things. It might be instructive to look back on it years later.

Sadly, our stories are all too common within the deaf community. Deaf and hard of hearing children seen as 'broken hearing children'. It's like we need to be fixed before we can be accepted (assimilated) into hearing society. I just wish for all of you that have similar stories that you would have someone that loves you just the way you are.

As for me - when I look for a companion, I wish I could be with someone who has gone through what I've gone through. I don't want to be made inferior and I don't want my companion to feel inferior the way we've felt inferior. I want to feel equal and loved just the way I am.

Deaf or hard of hearing - I think you're amazing just the way you are! :hug:
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:ty:

You too!
 
deafbadger said pretty much alot what i went and still go through, its just right now i dont have a luxury to sit down think and write for 2 days to summerise all these, come to think of it I dont have or use a diary which i probably should, and i wonder how many of you all have and do use it? i dont and that probably one reason why i cant write it all down, as its not recorded...
lots people says im paranoid, high anxiety, cant stop talking, useless, embarrassing, slightly crazy, have one track mind, too lazy, dependent etc etc
when none of it is true...
i just had bad experiences with hearing people...full stop. cant blame me, and thats what hearing people do, they freinds, relatives, acquantiences, university, even cousellors (not now i got a good one, but havent used one for a long while now tooo busy) says its all my fault or i needed some sort of 'guidence' WTF, no no NO THEY needed guidence on how to understand d/Deaf, NOT ME...
I think you'd all understand...
im liking this thread alot, as it is reassuring, helping me to give myself (and to you all) some peace.
Love you all.
 
I grow up thinking all families like mine, Dallas's...I read your stories and see this not truth. I very lucky...

I sorry for all sad experiences :(
 
jenniepepsi said:
I havent been able to hear good all my life. but only just recently had a doctor look into it. growing up, i was always in trouble, my mom (abusive) always used it as a reason for beating me up. "why dont you ever listen to me" 'why do you ignore me all the time" ect (only meaner, using curse words) and the school TOLD my mom that i needed my hearing checked. but she never did. i needed braces too and i never got them, and i needed asthma treatment, and other things.
even as i got older it never got any better, except i was bigger than she was so she couldnt hit me anymore. now im called 'hellen keller' as an insult by my siblings, (because i talk too loud) my mom says rude things like 'its selective hearing, your not deaf quit acting like it'

thankfully, a few months ago i started seeing a psychologist and was able to make myself walk away from my 'family' and never look back. i havent seen them in a while now. and me (and my daughter, who is 7yrs) are so much happier for it. my daughter is autistic and they called her the R word and stupid and idiot all the time. all the more reason i left and never went back.


WOW sorry that turned out so long!!! :(
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No do not be sorry , I am sorry you when though all that with your mother! She would had gotten along great with my dad! I was hit too as I did not hear my dad call me when I was upstairs doing my homework! He wanted a tissue and the fucking box was right behind him! So I would get hit for not answering my dad fast enough! I moved 3,000 to get away from my family after dad dies. And I when to boarding school for my last two years of high school because my dad was getting really bad! I am glad you where to break away from family, that was very brave of you to do!
 
DeafBadger said:
I think one of the things that people in general get in a social environment is what I would call "social calibration". Maybe i'm expounding on a concept already known by a different name.

But what I notice among hearing people is that they calibrate to each other. They have all these subtle and not-so-subtle ways of finding a social equilibrium. They find common interests and affiliations this way. They gauge each other's position and tolerance (or intolerance).

When hearing people are growing up, they overhear each other. They overhear people gossiping. They overhear a guy trying to ask a girl out on a date. They accumulate this huge stream of information into a working knowledge of the social world of humans.

And I figure that's why dating hasn't been so easy for me. It's not for lack of trying to approach. It's that my approaches don't often seem to 'click' with the hearing girl I'm approaching. I don't know what I'm doing right or wrong. If I could hear examples of others doing this, I would probably know from other people's experience, what works and doesn't work.

So also with how to get a job from a hearing boss and other, endless, social interactions.

So I imagine that a d/hh person who grew up solitary would miss out on the social calibration in the hearing world, AND miss out on the social calibration in the d/hh world. Talk about a double whammy.
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Not quite I don't think. I think a lot of it is b/c oral and mainstreamed kids are working so hard just to barely function, that we don't have enough energy to concentrate on social emotional stuff.
Also.....you mentioned going back to school for IT. Why not move to Rochester NY and go to NTID? I think you would LOVE it, and it would be the perfect setting for you! I know its a crappy ecnomy and not a lot of jobs....but on the other hand....maybe you could really start really dating and discovering the Deaf World. It's SO worth it....
 
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