(allright, I wrote a lot, mostly I feel that it's important for the guys to see at themselves, it may be helpful for somebody)
Beautiful thread. I am deaf guy, and was absolute a d-deaf guy, with extremely low selfconfidence and selfrespect, I was tired by my life, tired by dreaming and have nothing, tired that people always stopped me, tired by working, tired by everything. I wanted to be a D-Deaf guy , a D-Deaf Bastard with a big fat D (who still is rejecting my deafness!), it have taken a lot of pain and work. I have still much more left, but I'm beginning to feeling more comfortable with my deafness, my quirkness, my body, my nothingness, and people sees that. So far, I like that.
For the last few years I have met a lot of womens and mens, both deaf and hearing, I wanted to understand the social context, and I found out these things:
1) it's YOU (aka me) who has the responsiblity to be comfortable with other people, they feel what you feel, you (or me) have to learn them, in a short and easy way, showing them it's not a issue. You're deaf, so what?
2) It's too easy to identify with your deafness, telling people the lifestory of your deafness. you're deaf. you're not deaf. you're not yourself without the deafness. you're the space between yourself. you're only yourself. Be fully with yourself, be fully INSIDE your deafness. Or not!
There is more to life than your deafness.
3) it's really painful to be deaf, much more than the hearing people can understand. That's okay.
4) On the other side the pain makes you more aware of things people cannot see, that's your strength, but it's easy to be blind of your image of yourself.
5) Deafness makes one stronger and more willful because one learned early as a kid not's not a option to give up on the first try. (it's something I like to believe!)
I have met several hearing people who gived up quickly when trying to talk with me. Their loss.
6) Deaf/HoH may have more of a awareness of communication, while the hearing are more relaxed, it's the feeling, not the word who counts, maybe more playful. Both are right, it's a fine balance between the words, both the non-understanding and the understanding of words. I am still trying to understand that balance!
Hearing people don't even hear if you're asking something, because they're always hearing "background noise", so it's phased out. In a bizarre way the hearing people are more deaf than the deaf people themselves...
7) Talking with deaf are more simpler/straigthforward (may comes from the less social interactions, and more awareness with the words) In fact, I may find it a little boring to talk with deaf girls...
On the other side the hearing/HoH/deaf girl may find the deaf guy too boring, too tiring to talk with, too slow to talk with, no or little emotions. God, I was really boring for few years ago, when I said something to one girl, she grimased just by that sentence! ( I am still boring, I try to overcome that! )
I was too focused to say things as correctly as possible and to understand what she said so I forgot the emotionally side of my words. Almost nobody likes to read a dry book.
I am trying to be more horny, impulsive, wild, cruel, playful, trying to be brave to do all of these things I've been afraid of. Deafness have really scared my ass of myself because it made me so vulnerable and helpless so I have decided to overcome my issues, learning to trust myself.
9) Eye contact are important, I try to show her/he that I'm with him/her by not looking too much at the mouth, I switch between the mouth and eyes.
Once I slowly moved my eyes up from mouth to the eyes to a clerkgirl, she smiled really big, it was a sexually teasing moment for her because I was so slow and drowning. I was too shy to look her straight or quickly in the eyes, so I forced myself to look at the eyes, walking slowly upwards because it felt less painful or scary for me!
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A deaf girl/woman does not need to do that much to meet somebody, they're usually waiting for somebody who can "overcome" their shortcomings.
Boys/men have to fix that for himself, as much he can. I have rejected some girls with normal hearing because they was either too bitchy or just too difficult to talk with, too passive, or somebody I didn't feel comfortable with. (low self esteems sucks).
Many girls have rejected me because I showed weakness or vulnerability, but I see that most people need some time to be comfortable with me, and it took me really long time to understand that some girls wasn't ready for me - for they have some issues.
It's really cruel to be deaf because it's a impending feeling of weakness and the impending feeling of vulnerability, and that's the most difficult thing a guy is forced to overcome it all by himself, building the self confidence by hard and tiresome labour. That's the fun most girls will miss!
Maybe the deaf community is just not that into you. There are plenty of communities in the sea, you'll find the exotic linguistically-connected culture of your dreams, just give it a little time.
