Friend?

Malfoyish said:
Me personally - I would never expect my friend to phrase it that way. I would instead hope my friend was considerate enough to pull me to the side and say, "Hey, Malfy...you know...all that excess weight isn't healthy for you. What do ya say you and I go on Weight Watchers together?" There's such a thing as tact when you approach someone.

Now, to that comment, I could choose to tell my friend to go screw herself...and that I am satisfied with my weight being as it is...

OR...

I could agree to go along with the diet with her and the friendship suffers no consequences, and it is a wake-up call of some sorts...after all, it is NICE that someone cares enough about your health to voice concern.
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Exactly. It's all 20/20 hindsight ... we say things we wish we hadn't minutes later into the conversation...

For example, I had someone come up to me and tell me bluntly that my clothes did not fit me - what she said - "Your clothes are too tight, you need to buy big clothes, you know you can go to Lane Bryant or P.S. (now Catherine's) and buy something to fit your fat ass?" *SMH* - now how easy do you think it is to find clothes in my size? Especially at those prices? And I thought she was a good friend - I later found out that she had been calling me fat names behind my back...*sigh*

That's what I mean by being careful of what you say, thinking of how to phrase a sentence, thinking ahead because you want to stay friends although you and he/she may disagree on certain things, you DO not want to alienate that person or really hurt his/her feelings.
 
DreamDeaf said:
Ok let me put this as an example - if one of my friends were to come up and tell me ... "Hey, you know something? You're FAT. You need to lose weight."

That is ... not constructive criticism.

That is being blunt, being rude, being hurtful.

Would you call that person a friend? Or just someone stating her own POV?
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Oh, come on, DD. Realistically, how many people would actually do that in real life friendships? Lets be real here... One of the reasons we are so blunt on here is because there is a certain degree of anonymity afforded to us. You can't compare a message board to real life, and anybody who tries to, needs a reality check.

Like I've been saying, if one is going to post on a message board of any type, they need to develop a thick skin. They might also do well to adjust their focus, and realize that we are not all "just one big happy family". We are all from different walks of life, and so, are ideals are different. On a message board, not everyone is going to get along, and we should not be expected to. You can't just pee on someone one min, block them, and three days later, go "Hi, how are you?" And, expect things to be fine. It just doesn't work that way. This is hypocritical, and it's time for the hypocricy to stop.
 
DreamDeaf said:
Exactly. It's all 20/20 hindsight ... we say things we wish we hadn't minutes later into the conversation...

For example, I had someone come up to me and tell me bluntly that my clothes did not fit me - what she said - "Your clothes are too tight, you need to buy big clothes, you know you can go to Lane Bryant or P.S. (now Catherine's) and buy something to fit your fat ass?" *SMH* - now how easy do you think it is to find clothes in my size? Especially at those prices? And I thought she was a good friend - I later found out that she had been calling me fat names behind my back...*sigh*

That's what I mean by being careful of what you say, thinking of how to phrase a sentence, thinking ahead because you want to stay friends although you and he/she may disagree on certain things, you DO not want to alienate that person or really hurt his/her feelings.
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And have I said anything to hurt anyone's feelings??? If this is about the thread that was removed, then you need not rehash on it. I realize now that there are some questions that apparently can't be considered, but I did say that no harm was intended by it - and I DID indicate within that thread that feelings needed to be taken into consideration, and that I wanted for anyone responding to be NICE. It is not my fault that the whole thing spiraled out of control.

Anyway - this is about friendship...so I plan on keeping it so. If your friend had said something like, "Well, let's go to Catherine's together," You would know she is trying to tell you something else underneath. Catherine's is well-known for plus sizes...so hey, automatically some people are gonna think, "Gee, he/she must think I'm fat...offering to take me shopping for a muumuu at a fat store." But then THAT is where your friend turns around and says, "You know, I still love you for the person you are." That is the more important thing that too many folks overlook.
 
Oceanbreeze said:
Oh, come on, DD. Realistically, how many people would actually do that in real life friendships? Lets be real here... One of the reasons we are so blunt on here is because there is a certain degree of anonymity afforded to us. You can't compare a message board to real life, and anybody who tries to, needs a reality check.

Like I've been saying, if one is going to post on a message board of any type, they need to develop a thick skin. They might also do well to adjust their focus, and realize that we are not all "just one big happy family". We are all from different walks of life, and so, are ideals are different. On a message board, not everyone is going to get along, and we should not be expected to. You can't just pee on someone one min, block them, and three days later, go "Hi, how are you?" And, expect things to be fine. It just doesn't work that way. This is hypocritical, and it's time for the hypocricy to stop.
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Humm... Very interesting, Oceanbreeze - this HAS happened to me in real life.

I thought we were allowed to post our own point of view, and instead, I find that my post is being considered hypocritcal...thank you, Oceanbreeze.

I know that we are all different, and that we cannot be expected to think the same way, but we DO and HAVE had different experiences with friendship, and yet, in a similiar way, we all have experienced the same things.

Think about it.
 
Malfoyish said:
And have I said anything to hurt anyone's feelings??? If this is about the thread that was removed, then you need not rehash on it. I realize now that there are some questions that apparently can't be considered, but I did say that no harm was intended by it - and I DID indicate within that thread that feelings needed to be taken into consideration, and that I wanted for anyone responding to be NICE. It is not my fault that the whole thing spiraled out of control.

Anyway - this is about friendship...so I plan on keeping it so. If your friend had said something like, "Well, let's go to Catherine's together," You would know she is trying to tell you something else underneath. Catherine's is well-known for plus sizes...so hey, automatically some people are gonna think, "Gee, he/she must think I'm fat...offering to take me shopping for a muumuu at a fat store." But then THAT is where your friend turns around and says, "You know, I still love you for the person you are." That is the more important thing that too many folks overlook.
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I never mentioned the thread that was removed, nor did I even think about it. I did not even know what happened until AFTER I posted my earlier Catherine's post.

And also, to let you know ... that really happened to me in REAL LIFE. You do not know what I have gone through - and I will always be grateful to my friends that have accepted me as I am, not because of my size, but because of WHO and WHAT I am.

I am just pointing out that people do not even think about what they say - it's fine to be blunt, be opininated, have your own opinion - but I am saying to THINK TWICE. Do I want to say it like it is, or do I want to phrase it a different way so that it looks like I am concerned, and want to help my friend out?
 
DreamDeaf said:
I never mentioned the thread that was removed, nor did I even think about it. I did not even know what happened until AFTER I posted my earlier Catherine's post.

And also, to let you know ... that really happened to me in REAL LIFE. You do not know what I have gone through - and I will always be grateful to my friends that have accepted me as I am, not because of my size, but because of WHO and WHAT I am.

I am just pointing out that people do not even think about what they say - it's fine to be blunt, be opininated, have your own opinion - but I am saying to THINK TWICE. Do I want to say it like it is, or do I want to phrase it a different way so that it looks like I am concerned, and want to help my friend out?
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Yes, you're right about thinking twice. I am all for it. I myself am overweight, so yes, I know all about it...I have had my mother's fat-assed friends give her clothes to give to ME - by that, I mean pants that I can fit BOTH of my tree-trunk legs into one leg opening. It is not easy to be over the "ideal" weight, and I am sorry you had to go through that. As for people who speak first and think later...well...unfortunately there's a lot of those types out there.

It is not uncommon for one to slip and make a mistake in speaking. It would in that case, be up to the friend to say, "I certainly didn't say it to hurt you...and I'm sorry." That happens. If someone says something they KNOW is mean and wrong, and doesn't cop to it and apologize, then maybe this person is not a true friend? *shrugs*

At any rate, I wish you all the luck in the world on your weight loss endeavors. I am in the same boat.
 
Malfoyish said:
Yes, you're right about thinking twice. I am all for it. I myself am overweight, so yes, I know all about it...I have had my mother's fat-assed friends give her clothes to give to ME - by that, I mean pants that I can fit BOTH of my tree-trunk legs into one leg opening. It is not easy to be over the "ideal" weight, and I am sorry you had to go through that. As for people who speak first and think later...well...unfortunately there's a lot of those types out there.

It is not uncommon for one to slip and make a mistake in speaking. It would in that case, be up to the friend to say, "I certainly didn't say it to hurt you...and I'm sorry." That happens. If someone says something they KNOW is mean and wrong, and doesn't cop to it and apologize, then maybe this person is not a true friend? *shrugs*

At any rate, I wish you all the luck in the world on your weight loss endeavors. I am in the same boat.
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Thank you, my dear Malfoyish. *bowing*
 
same amount of unconditional care and respect <~~ Very postive attudies key... which best friendship..

so uncalled friendship: how can I (you) trust you (them) if you're really truly friendship or er um.. compresse(sp) friend as so so.. ?

Tough break POV!
 
See what you started, Eve? :nana:

Eve says: "I believe a friend is someone who respects your opinion even when it differs from their own. A true friend would never try and force their opinions or thoughts on you, or think any less of you because you have your own POV. A friend would never coerce you into taking their side, by means of threat or out of sympathy. In essence, friends RESPECT one another."

I agree wholeheartedly. I don't expect my friends to take sides, nor do I want to take sides either. That really sucks, and really contributes to the Problem rather than really helping anyone.

I find this an interesting thread because I've confronted some folks recently, and probably need to confront a couple more that I thought were friends. That is never easy, but how can people know how you are really feeling until told the truth? The fact is that we can't control how others react or think; how WE react or think is more important IMO. I think that is the gritty foundation everyone has to build from.. the rest is just opinion and how you really feel. Some of you may feel growing a thick skin is the way to go, and some of you may feel creating healthy boundaries is the best for yourselves. Not everyone deals in the same manner, and that could be a good thing. Because we will keep learning what is good and what is bad for us!

;) Take my words with a grain of salt, though. On the plus side, if we are true to ourselves, we WILL attract friends who are "real" and not the ones who are "shallow" to waste our time with. The ones who "out" themselves to be shallow enough to throw spittle on you about going to Catherine or calling your sweet behind "a fat ass" merely are weeding themselves out... as much as the action of weeding sucks! Be true to yourself, because you are important enough to have friends who are true to you and to themselves. I'm learning this lesson, too...
 
A true friend.......
* Genuinely accepts and likes you for who you are.
* Will be there for you in bad times as well as good.
* Is loyal to you in your absence. They refuse to get involved in gossip at your expense and actively support you when others don't.
* Can be trusted with your secrets.
* Can be trusted with your partner.
* Understands how you feel, perhaps without you even needing to explain.
* Will tell you the hard truths that you need to hear.
* Will share their own secrets and fears with you.
* Is genuine and real with you - not superficial and false.

To find a true friend, it helps to...
* Value yourself and what you can offer others as a friend.
* Believe that you can find a true friend.
* Take up opportunties to meet new people.
* Be a good listener and show interest in others.
* Participate in conversations.
* Follow up with people you find interesting through ph calls and invitations.
* Gradually share your deeper thoughts and feelings.
* Nuture the friendship but don't force it to get too close.
* Be true friend to others in order to find one.
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copyright from That's Life.
 
Its all very well to say what you would do ... but oftentimes we forget that there are people on the other side of the comment with feelings and emotions. And some may not take it as graciously as you think he/she might.

Not everyone is the same.
 
Tamara's quote
A true friend.......
* Genuinely accepts and likes you for who you are.
* Will be there for you in bad times as well as good.
* Is loyal to you in your absence. They refuse to get involved in gossip at your expense and actively support you when others don't.
* Can be trusted with your secrets.
* Can be trusted with your partner.
* Understands how you feel, perhaps without you even needing to explain.
* Will tell you the hard truths that you need to hear.
* Will share their own secrets and fears with you.
* Is genuine and real with you - not superficial and false.

To find a true friend, it helps to...
* Value yourself and what you can offer others as a friend.
* Believe that you can find a true friend.
* Take up opportunties to meet new people.
* Be a good listener and show interest in others.
* Participate in conversations.
* Follow up with people you find interesting through ph calls and invitations.
* Gradually share your deeper thoughts and feelings.
* Nuture the friendship but don't force it to get too close.
* Be true friend to others in order to find one.

My answer: Indeed yes agree more than 110%. Important how can you trust true friends or regluar friends??? That key is attuides preferences! I kept caution that way... :)
 
Good thread, Eve.

I beleive to value the friendship is RESPECT when we open and honest each other with our feelings, opinions, share our advise, problem etc. I respect you what you beleive your opinion is right because it's your own decision/POV. All what I do is give you friendly tips/advise.

I am going to take Tamara's excellent posts to answer my opinion.

Here :

A true friend.......
* Genuinely accepts and likes you for who you are.
Exactly, it's important to not affect the friendship is RESPECT when I has different opinion as you.

* Will be there for you in bad times as well as good.
Yes, exactly. I'll be there & here for my friend when they need me during good or bad day.

* Is loyal to you in your absence. They refuse to get involved in gossip at your expense and actively support you when others don't.
Yes, I support/comfort my friend when she/he receive awful insult/attack from others.
I would like to have my friend who kept neutral instead of support other friends against me.
I don't want to gossip or backstab behind my friend's back when both sides are my friends because it's unfair. All what I do is suggest them to solve their soluation themselves. I often do that to get them make up peaceful and friends again.

* Can be trusted with your secrets.
Yes

* Can be trusted with your partner.
Yes

* Understands how you feel, perhaps without you even needing to explain.
I like my friends who are open and honest what/how they feeling and think for me. It show that she care about our friendship.

* Will tell you the hard truths that you need to hear.
I want to hear the truth from my friend.
Example:
I will be appreicate my friend for her honestly and loyal when she give me honest answer what she think of my new dress etc. I will decide myself when I'm 100% sure that I like the dress, not my friend. I would of ask my friend what she think if I'm doubt either the dress suit me or not. I like friend who are open-mind and honest.

* Will share their own secrets and fears with you.
I respect their secret if they don't want me to share their secret with others because they consider me as their trust friend. I don't want betray their trust. It's me.

* Is genuine and real with you - not superficial and false.
Yes, I hate those word "flattery" because I feel "flattery" belongs sort of "2 faced" but HONEST friend because she/he can say direct to me what she think/feel.

Example:
How you feel when you know that I tell lie that you are slim because you know that you are overweight??? No Way... I would not say anything about your size because I respect what you are and consider you as my friend but... but... but... I would give you honest answer if you ask me/want my opinion as friendly advice without insult/bitching.

What you agree/disagree with my opinion is welcome..... perhaps I'm wrong or you're right.... OR perhaps I forget to add something in list.
 
Lieb,

you did right thing but as long you trying best doing likely your statements.

All the true. No matter what, should I say disagree or agree w/you somewhat.. Which your opinion is great!!!
 
Friendship Quote

"A boyfriend stabs you in the heart, a stranger stabs you in the front, a friend stabs you in the back, but best friends don't carry knives."
 
Katzie said:
"A boyfriend stabs you in the heart, a stranger stabs you in the front, a friend stabs you in the back, but best friends don't carry knives."
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Amen!!! I believe this, too.
 
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