For a Deaf Son

[Tkgiggles1]

It was an accident...

Tommy's death was an accident suicide. He wanted to scare his parents. They got in a fight over a tv show and he got upset. Had nothing to do with their communcation choice for him... Learn more before jumping off a bridge.

 

[jillio]

DeafDyke, yea you have the right movie. You make an excellent point, but it is hard to establish how much of it really affected Tommy. Parents have to be able to express their frustrations and thought without it necessarily meaning that they have the attitude towards the kid. Educating a child is not an easy task.

As a hearie parent of a Deaf son I'll tell you exactly how much all of that affects the child--it destroys them. It take away any possibility of them ever seeing themselves as whole and good and capable. Educating a child is not as easy task, I agree. But it is impossible when you refuse to accept who the child is and try to force something on them that is totally unnatural. Parents who make it their life's work to try and make their deaf children more like them are unbelievably selfish, and they don't deserve the special blessing that comes with raising a deaf child.

I would never say that it has always been easy for me as a hearing parent to raise my deaf son, or that I didn't make mistakes, or that I always left my natural bias of being hearing out of my decisions. But I will tell you that when I finally learned to see things from my son's deaf perspective, and to make my decisions based on that, a whole new beautiful world opened up for both of us. Because I have allowed my son to be deaf, to respect his deafness, and as the adult parent, be the one to make the adjustments in my life rather than asking him to make the adjustments, my life has become richer and fuller. My allowing the Deaf community into both our lives, I have had experiences and known people that have made my life better, and have made me a better person. I no longer see my son's deafness as something that needs to be compensated for, or even as a small annoyance to be dealt with. I see it as a blessing that was brought into my life; a gift that has brought meaning into my life.

And I agree--let's just bitch slap the parents that are too selfish to see the gift they have right in front of them!

 

[Sweetmind]

As a hearie parent of a Deaf son I'll tell you exactly how much all of that affects the child--it destroys them. It take away any possibility of them ever seeing themselves as whole and good and capable. Educating a child is not as easy task, I agree. But it is impossible when you refuse to accept who the child is and try to force something on them that is totally unnatural. Parents who make it their life's work to try and make their deaf children more like them are unbelievably selfish, and they don't deserve the special blessing that comes with raising a deaf child.

I would never say that it has always been easy for me as a hearing parent to raise my deaf son, or that I didn't make mistakes, or that I always left my natural bias of being hearing out of my decisions. But I will tell you that when I finally learned to see things from my son's deaf perspective, and to make my decisions based on that, a whole new beautiful world opened up for both of us. Because I have allowed my son to be deaf, to respect his deafness, and as the adult parent, be the one to make the adjustments in my life rather than asking him to make the adjustments, my life has become richer and fuller. My allowing the Deaf community into both our lives, I have had experiences and known people that have made my life better, and have made me a better person. I no longer see my son's deafness as something that needs to be compensated for, or even as a small annoyance to be dealt with. I see it as a blessing that was brought into my life; a gift that has brought meaning into my life.

And I agree--let's just bitch slap the parents that are too selfish to see the gift they have right in front of them!

I am glad to hear this from you Jillo. It makes me feel good and think your deaf son is so lucky to have you because you accepted him for who he is and trying to make the difference for your son with a very good true communication. Thats simple to do for the parents who can learn to accept the child completely no matter what. It s very important for d/Deaf children see the positive outlook more often.

I want to say thank you for being so natural and believing in Deaf children s abilities. \lm/ Boy, I enjoy to read your comments every time you posted. Now this time it brings me to tears when I read this. It s so thoughtful of you and your good heart for your son. Thank you so much for sharing with us and let people to see how you handle with your Deaf son. I love it!!

Have a wonderful day!
Sweetmind

 

[deafdyke]

Yeah, how come there aren't studies on the psychcological impact of pure (auditory verbal style) oralism?It just so fucking irritates me that there are so many parents who absolutly cannot accept the fact that their child is just a regular kid who happens to need some special things (Sign, speech therapy, aids and CIs)

 

[jillio]

Oh yes, there always is other stuff involved. Some people may have a predisposition to depression......but on the other hand opression and not being accepted CAN strongly influence personal feelings. I know because I went through this myself. My parents bought into the whole oral deaf thing, lock, stock and barrel. Along with oral deafness, came the unspoken relief that I didn't have to learn a "speshal" language and that everything was fine and dandy b/c I was "healthy and normal" now. I picked up on this, and it really affected my self-esteem enormously. The attitude that there's nothing of value in the Sign/ Deaf world and that the only thing that mattered was functioning (even if only superfically) like a hearing person really really affects a dhh kid! I mean I did read somewhere that there's a high rate of mental illness in the oral deaf population. While some of the illness might be accounted for by genetic factors, I think that enviromentally caused mental illnesses (like depression, and substance abuse) are probaly rampent b/c of the healthy normal attitude that's so prevailent in oral methods. Yes, some of the people who have depression or comitted sucide might have done so even if they were raised by parents who accepted their kids hearing loss and situtions, but I think that the "healthy normal" attitude really really influences kids. Remember, depression and stuff like that can be enviormentally caused! It's not just being predisposed to it.

Absolutely on target!! There are 2 kinds of depression and only the subtype of clinical depression is caused by biological factors. The other is a reactive depression and is a reaction to environmental stressors.

Nope, his deafness did not cause his suicide. However, constantly receiving the message that he is not good enough, that his parents are disappointed in him because of his deafness, the expectation that he should live up to a standard that is unrealistic, and then reinforcing the belief that it is all the result of something that is wrong with him can most certainly lead to a feeling of such hopelessness that death seems the only way to stop the misery. I don't blame his deafness for his suicide. But I do blame the way he was treated because of his deafness. Parents get so caught up in trying to make a def child as close to a hearing child that they just don't see the terrible terrible harm that they are doing to that child as a person. When it comes right down to it, wouldn't you rather have a happy well adjusted deaf child than a dead child?

 

[jillio]

You see, I totally disagree with you on this. I am not sure why the kid commited suicide but I do not blame it on deafness or the parents reaction towards it. I am sure there was other stuff involved. If you take time and read what I have posted, you will see that you do not have all the information you need by just watching the movie. You cannot make all the assumptions.

Perhaps you are making assumptions without benefit of all the information. There is more than what the usually hearing instructors teach in Deaf Studies classes, and the only way to learn it is by becoming a friend to the Deaf community. Hearing people can't teach it to you. And since most films about the Deaf are by hearing people from a hearing perspective, you have to consider that the information you are given is biased.

 

[jillio]

Yeah, how come there aren't studies on the psychcological impact of pure (auditory verbal style) oralism?It just so fucking irritates me that there are so many parents who absolutly cannot accept the fact that their child is just a regular kid who happens to need some special things (Sign, speech therapy, aids and CIs)

I am working on getting a grant to do just that kind of research right now. My son is 20 now, and it isn't about him anymore. It's about no letting what the oralists tried to do to him happen to any other deaf child.

 

[IslandGal]

Hmmm interesting, I'd like to watch it.
I am sure I will have some tears while watching it.

 

[jillio]

I am glad to hear this from you Jillo. It makes me feel good and think your deaf son is so lucky to have you because you accepted him for who he is and trying to make the difference for your son with a very good true communication. Thats simple to do for the parents who can learn to accept the child completely no matter what. It s very important for d/Deaf children see the positive outlook more often.

I want to say thank you for being so natural and believing in Deaf children s abilities. \lm/ Boy, I enjoy to read your comments every time you posted. Now this time it brings me to tears when I read this. It s so thoughtful of you and your good heart for your son. Thank you so much for sharing with us and let people to see how you handle with your Deaf son. I love it!!

Have a wonderful day!
Sweetmind

Thanks, Sweetmind! The support of people like you make me keep trying!

 

[Sweetmind]

Perhaps you are making assumptions without benefit of all the information. There is more than what the usually hearing instructors teach in Deaf Studies classes, and the only way to learn it is by becoming a friend to the Deaf community. Hearing people can't teach it to you. And since most films about the Deaf are by hearing people from a hearing perspective, you have to consider that the information you are given is biased.

You are right. I was so angry and frustrated all the time when I was a kid. Because there is no true communication around me. Oral rules robbed my life and my whole family because they told them I must speak or else I will lose it if I use my hands to communicate with. Thats how it leaded me into a depression. I had been struggling with my own depression for years and years. Now I am getting better and have a chance to open up my true inner soul. I felt about many hearing people's pressure and forcing us to do this in their own ways.. Especially my own listening or writings, I couldnt able to express or write because it s not my opinions. It has to be their hearings way. Everything is always wrong wrong for whatever I did.

I was getting fed up because I cannot be me , myself, and the whole of me as being deaf. I have nothing to be ashamed of myself now.

Also, people out there who have no respect for me as being a Deaf mother of two hearing daughters. I was discouraged by their disrespect toward their d/Deaf parents because my daughters were getting the heavy burden shoulders by audist attitude people. They couldnt handle or talk with me in person. They violated a lot of ADA laws all the time. So how can I keep this up and fight for my rights? It is more of burning out and tireless for me with all emotional and mentality abuse all the time. Yeah right, it s easy way out for anyone who will tell me to go to get a lawyer all the time. Sighs!

It s a real nightmare experience I went through with judges, lawyers, doctors, principal of public school and many places. They dont know nothing about ADA laws. JEEZ! Thats why I feel so useless for me to have orally speaking only all the time. It s really lack of communications that I did not cause it. Attitude need to tune up very badly. They simply dont listen us very well. I know I speak good that has a nice Deaf voice. It should not be a problem for them to understand. Thats when I m so confused what the heck going on.

Thank you!

Sweetmind

 

[deafdyke]

It's about not letting what the oralists tried to do to him happen to any other deaf child.

That's why I am a hardcore activist, and why I am VERY against organizations like AG Bell and Auditory Verbal International. It's why I encourage parents of hoh kids to expose them to Sign and Deaf culture!
It's why I wrote the piece that's going to appear in "On the Fence, the Hidden World of the Hard of Hearing".......and I have a feeling that once the book comes out, a lot of parents will be like "OMG, that sounds exactly like my oral/hoh kid who seems to be doing "fine" in the hearing world. I think it will revolutionize Deaf Theory! That is why I speak out......it just pisses me off totally when an "expert" does not see the damage they do to kids like us.I hate hate hate how oral-only (not oral as an option) and mainstreaming is presented as a glorious Utopia with no downsides.

 

[jillio]

You are right. I was so angry and frustrated all the time when I was a kid. Because there is no true communication around me. Oral rules robbed my life and my whole family because they told them I must speak or else I will lose it if I use my hands to communicate with. Thats how it leaded me into a depression. I had been struggling with my own depression for years and years. Now I am getting better and have a chance to open up my true inner soul. I felt about many hearing people's pressure and forcing us to do this in their own ways.. Especially my own listening or writings, I couldnt able to express or write because it s not my opinions. It has to be their hearings way. Everything is always wrong wrong for whatever I did.

I was getting fed up because I cannot be me , myself, and the whole of me as being deaf. I have nothing to be ashamed of myself now.

Also, people out there who have no respect for me as being a Deaf mother of two hearing daughters. I was discouraged by their disrespect toward their d/Deaf parents because my daughters were getting the heavy burden shoulders by audist attitude people. They couldnt handle or talk with me in person. They violated a lot of ADA laws all the time. So how can I keep this up and fight for my rights? It is more of burning out and tireless for me with all emotional and mentality abuse all the time. Yeah right, it s easy way out for anyone who will tell me to go to get a lawyer all the time. Sighs!

It s a real nightmare experience I went through with judges, lawyers, doctors, principal of public school and many places. They dont know nothing about ADA laws. JEEZ! Thats why I feel so useless for me to have orally speaking only all the time. It s really lack of communications that I did not cause it. Attitude need to tune up very badly. They simply dont listen us very well. I know I speak good that has a nice Deaf voice. It should not be a problem for them to understand. Thats when I m so confused what the heck going on.

Thank you!

Sweetmind

Sometimes it isn't because they not understand your voice, but because they not want to understand what you mean. If they understand what you mean, then have to admit own wrongs. Oh, noooooo! Never admit wrong!
Sometimes hearing people are "deaf" in their own way. Can hear, but refuse to understand!

If I can be good parent to deaf son as hearie mom, you can be good parent to hearing daughters as deafie mom. More work for you, more work for me, sure. Not matter--still can do great job.

You are very strong person. No reason you should ever feel ashamed! Sometimes it hard for you, yes. But not your fault. Blame hearies who make hard because they lazy and stupid and not want learn anything new. Not all hearing, but some. I have met them many time.

Too many bullies in this world. Think they can get by with not doing what ADA says is law by intimidating people. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

I admire you and your strength of standing up for what you believe is right thing! Never give up!

 

[jillio]

That's why I am a hardcore activist, and why I am VERY against organizations like AG Bell and Auditory Verbal International. It's why I encourage parents of hoh kids to expose them to Sign and Deaf culture!
It's why I wrote the piece that's going to appear in "On the Fence, the Hidden World of the Hard of Hearing".......and I have a feeling that once the book comes out, a lot of parents will be like "OMG, that sounds exactly like my oral/hoh kid who seems to be doing "fine" in the hearing world. I think it will revolutionize Deaf Theory! That is why I speak out......it just pisses me off totally when an "expert" does not see the damage they do to kids like us.I hate hate hate how oral-only (not oral as an option) and mainstreaming is presented as a glorious Utopia with no downsides.

YOU GO GIRL! I got your back!

 

[scatter]

For a deaf son documentary

I’m very sorry but I just don’t agree with some of you. He hung himself in a closet with a belt and a suicide note. It was NO scare tactic. It was very intentional. And yes, you are missing the point of the movie. The father released this documentary to show how involved he became in wanting to learn about deaf culture and what kind of school is right for his son. He learned that his son’s happiness and successes in life were his own and not a reflection of his parents. The mother on the other hand was so judgemental and was so worried what other people would think that she didn’t even give her son’s feelings a second thought. She said "Oh i'm not a good mother because I can't get him to speak". A lot of me, me, me, I, I, I. So worried about herself.. Good grief..And, as a mother myself, I cannot on earth believe she treated him the way she did. When it was christmas and Tommas wanted a truck, she kept saying T-R-U-C-K.. ok now “TOMMY ,SAY TRUCK”. Seriously, let your son be a kid. Most of the time she spent around him was correcting him and trying to be a therapist not a mother. It was uphauling to see that child try to learn sign with the other family friend and all she cared about was trying to get him to speak. Just in case you didn’t know, ASL IS a language. It has structure and is very valued in the deaf community. If ASL is his natural language then why push him onto English. It’s a waste of time. Eventually they end up learning sign language because it’s what come natural to them. Imagine yourself trying to learn a language that isn’t your native tounge; it’s hard isn’t it. And you never will fully master it. Same concept but with delicate, fragile children. All that boy wanted was love and a way to communicate, just not the way “SHE” wanted. I'm sure he felt he would never be the person she wanted him to be. What an awful feeling to grow up to. So, if you think he commit suicide because of an accident, your delusional. Why don't some of you do a little more studying and ask the deaf community what their opinions are. Just because she was a mother that loved her son doesn’t mean that he wasn't hurt enough to do something like that. I don’t know about you, but to this day I am still trying to please my mother. And i'm sure it was excruciatingly painful for him. It was a sad thing. But keep an open mind about the deaf and their struggles. That was way the father wanted to release this. He wanted to show the impact parents can have on their deaf children. You should think about how he felt before making assumptions. ALSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please quit calling your children hearing impaired! The correct term is Hard of Hearing or Deaf.

im⋅paired  –adjective 1. weakened, diminished, or damaged: impaired hearing; to rebuild an impaired bridge.
2. functioning poorly or inadequately: Consumption of alcohol results in an impaired driver.
3. deficient or incompetent (usually prec. by an adverb or noun): morally impaired; sports-impaired.
How would you like to be be called deficient or incompetent!!
I mean seriously!!!

 

[violet]

I’m very sorry but I just don’t agree with some of you. He hung himself in a closet with a belt and a suicide note. It was NO scare tactic. It was very intentional. And yes, you are missing the point of the movie. The father released this documentary to show how involved he became in wanting to learn about deaf culture and what kind of school is right for his son. He learned that his son’s happiness and successes in life were his own and not a reflection of his parents. The mother on the other hand was so judgemental and was so worried what other people would think that she didn’t even give her son’s feelings a second thought. She said "Oh i'm not a good mother because I can't get him to speak". A lot of me, me, me, I, I, I. So worried about herself.. Good grief..And, as a mother myself, I cannot on earth believe she treated him the way she did. When it was christmas and Tommas wanted a truck, she kept saying T-R-U-C-K.. ok now “TOMMY ,SAY TRUCK”. Seriously, let your son be a kid. Most of the time she spent around him was correcting him and trying to be a therapist not a mother. It was uphauling to see that child try to learn sign with the other family friend and all she cared about was trying to get him to speak. Just in case you didn’t know, ASL IS a language. It has structure and is very valued in the deaf community. If ASL is his natural language then why push him onto English. It’s a waste of time. Eventually they end up learning sign language because it’s what come natural to them. Imagine yourself trying to learn a language that isn’t your native tounge; it’s hard isn’t it. And you never will fully master it. Same concept but with delicate, fragile children. All that boy wanted was love and a way to communicate, just not the way “SHE” wanted. I'm sure he felt he would never be the person she wanted him to be. What an awful feeling to grow up to. So, if you think he commit suicide because of an accident, your delusional. Why don't some of you do a little more studying and ask the deaf community what their opinions are. Just because she was a mother that loved her son doesn’t mean that he wasn't hurt enough to do something like that. I don’t know about you, but to this day I am still trying to please my mother. And i'm sure it was excruciatingly painful for him. It was a sad thing. But keep an open mind about the deaf and their struggles. That was way the father wanted to release this. He wanted to show the impact parents can have on their deaf children. You should think about how he felt before making assumptions. ALSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please quit calling your children hearing impaired! The correct term is Hard of Hearing or Deaf.

im⋅paired  –adjective 1. weakened, diminished, or damaged: impaired hearing; to rebuild an impaired bridge.
2. functioning poorly or inadequately: Consumption of alcohol results in an impaired driver.
3. deficient or incompetent (usually prec. by an adverb or noun): morally impaired; sports-impaired.
How would you like to be be called deficient or incompetent!!
I mean seriously!!!

GREAT POST!

 

[sallylou]

logtar, I'm really annoyed that you asked people here to express their opinions and then discounted those opinions. It's arrogant. It's not for you to tell people here what their experiences are or how they feel. You're viewing this as an outsider with a class. For us, deafness is our life. Listen and open your mind.

 

[shel90]

That's why I am a hardcore activist, and why I am VERY against organizations like AG Bell and Auditory Verbal International. It's why I encourage parents of hoh kids to expose them to Sign and Deaf culture!
It's why I wrote the piece that's going to appear in "On the Fence, the Hidden World of the Hard of Hearing".......and I have a feeling that once the book comes out, a lot of parents will be like "OMG, that sounds exactly like my oral/hoh kid who seems to be doing "fine" in the hearing world. I think it will revolutionize Deaf Theory! That is why I speak out......it just pisses me off totally when an "expert" does not see the damage they do to kids like us.I hate hate hate how oral-only (not oral as an option) and mainstreaming is presented as a glorious Utopia with no downsides.

I am with you about being against these organizations.

 

[shel90]

Oh please, please, pleeeeze—just give me 5 fucking minutes with one of these parents. I realize that it’s immature and antisocial to want to bitchslap one of these freaks around, but it would give me soooo much pleasure.

 

[shel90]

I’m very sorry but I just don’t agree with some of you. He hung himself in a closet with a belt and a suicide note. It was NO scare tactic. It was very intentional. And yes, you are missing the point of the movie. The father released this documentary to show how involved he became in wanting to learn about deaf culture and what kind of school is right for his son. He learned that his son’s happiness and successes in life were his own and not a reflection of his parents. The mother on the other hand was so judgemental and was so worried what other people would think that she didn’t even give her son’s feelings a second thought. She said "Oh i'm not a good mother because I can't get him to speak". A lot of me, me, me, I, I, I. So worried about herself.. Good grief..And, as a mother myself, I cannot on earth believe she treated him the way she did. When it was christmas and Tommas wanted a truck, she kept saying T-R-U-C-K.. ok now “TOMMY ,SAY TRUCK”. Seriously, let your son be a kid. Most of the time she spent around him was correcting him and trying to be a therapist not a mother. It was uphauling to see that child try to learn sign with the other family friend and all she cared about was trying to get him to speak. Just in case you didn’t know, ASL IS a language. It has structure and is very valued in the deaf community. If ASL is his natural language then why push him onto English. It’s a waste of time. Eventually they end up learning sign language because it’s what come natural to them. Imagine yourself trying to learn a language that isn’t your native tounge; it’s hard isn’t it. And you never will fully master it. Same concept but with delicate, fragile children. All that boy wanted was love and a way to communicate, just not the way “SHE” wanted. I'm sure he felt he would never be the person she wanted him to be. What an awful feeling to grow up to. So, if you think he commit suicide because of an accident, your delusional. Why don't some of you do a little more studying and ask the deaf community what their opinions are. Just because she was a mother that loved her son doesn’t mean that he wasn't hurt enough to do something like that. I don’t know about you, but to this day I am still trying to please my mother. And i'm sure it was excruciatingly painful for him. It was a sad thing. But keep an open mind about the deaf and their struggles. That was way the father wanted to release this. He wanted to show the impact parents can have on their deaf children. You should think about how he felt before making assumptions. ALSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please quit calling your children hearing impaired! The correct term is Hard of Hearing or Deaf.

im⋅paired  –adjective 1. weakened, diminished, or damaged: impaired hearing; to rebuild an impaired bridge.
2. functioning poorly or inadequately: Consumption of alcohol results in an impaired driver.
3. deficient or incompetent (usually prec. by an adverb or noun): morally impaired; sports-impaired.
How would you like to be be called deficient or incompetent!!
I mean seriously!!!

I totally LOVE your post!

Yes, that's why I hate that term, "hearing impaired." It is degrading but many deaf people prefer to call themselves that. I want it eliminated as a general label, period!

 

[Lighthouse77]

I feel that if parents learned sign languages (it's isn't hard to start learning with a four years old), they could communicate with their son more and would have known about his issues and work with him. Instead of leaving him with limit communication with verbal skills. It is very hard to express yourself if you don't know the right word for it and sometimes verbal communication ONLY put deaf people in that position

My mother and I did not really have that much close relationship because it was too frustrating. I was raised on verbal communication with hearing aids. I've always felt like I wasn't good enough around my family as well. They get to communicate freely, but with me, well you know what it is like for deaf who can't communicate very well. I feel very much like a child around them and my mental state is much mature than that. It's like like the where advanced students have to be on the same level with average students, and they crave much more than that.