all I know is I suffer with suicidal thoughts. especially lately as it gets worsen every year. I went through everything all by myself, I was too much for people to handle so I stopped asking for help. a long time ago. decades ago. let alone I was already alone. and now from the past of years my death wish list have gotten longer than a football field. still, amazed I'm still here after numerous of attempts, scenarios, attacks, traumas and craps.
a quite few people think that I should, no, "must seek some professional" treatments but I refuse to medicate (change) myself over anyone's mistakes. or let them control over me, make me follow their orders other than what's best for me.. so wrong. so wrong. nothing to do with my willpower. I don't trust doctors; because of my deafness I was mislabelled for nine years. that was enough for an ab/normal intelligent little girl, whatever they thought I was. I was well and happy before the society had to screw my life up. right now and still hanging at the very end of barbed wire, I just don't know how much longer I will hold on or do I know myself anymore - my willpower/ingness is leaking out of me at the bottom. like I said under my username, living by flow of fates ... until one day I finally die.
I believe that my personalities are already gone, not that matters to anyone. no one was born to live for another if you get what I mean. and what's more? I don't know any of you very well. or at all. growing up all my life struggling,I all I asked for the world was at least some understandings and patience - I know being in an understanding crowd does make a big difference. that's what I wish for this christmas, some buddy/community support someone literally had taken away from me. to tie a knot, that would help a bit. that is, if I'm still hanging around and long for a hope.