Deaf-Hearing Marriage

army - theres always that fine balance waiting to be discovered with communication and space. Fundamental truth in every relationship. You have a point. Hehehe
 
I'm not married, but I can give my opinion on what I've seen.

I don't care what the marriage is like, as long as communication is still there and both get along great.

I've seen students here at RIT date others of the opposite deafness. A deaf girl would date a hearing guy or a deaf guy would date a hearing girl. Yet, some of them go through problems that's bad enough that they shouldn't even be together.

One issue is communication. If the deaf person uses sign language as a primary language, then the hearing person should be able to know sign language and use it frequently as the deaf person might use his/her voice at times as well. I'm deaf, but considered "hard of hearing". I can speak for myself and hear pretty well. However, I can't always understand what's being said 100%. It's more like 80% to 90%. It depends on how the other person talks. Do they talk clearly? Do they move their mouths clearly? Do they have a beard or other facial features that may interfere with lipreading? Even though I talk a lot with hearing people, I still struggle with what I'm missing out. Yet, they can't communicate with me on the things that I missed out. For a hearing person, he/she won't be able to communicate if the deaf person isn't wearing his/her hearing aids or something.

The other thing is getting along. In order to get along, both would have to be comfortable with what the other does. If the hearing person has hearing friends around and the hearing person starts talking without signing, how will the deaf half understand or feel? In my case, I would feel left out if my wife/girlfriend was talking with her hearing friends all the time and not involving me because I can't understand what's going on. The hearing half would feel the same way as well if the deaf half was signing all the time and the hearing half couldn't understand what was going on.
 
3 Keys are LOVE, TRUST and COMMUITAION. They are very important to keep our marriage strong.

Of course many deaf and hearing couples cannot handle each other because they don't accept what their life. My husband accept who am I and he never complain that I cannot hear at all, I ask him what people say. I never complain that he ask me what my deaf friends say because they sign too fast. We feel much equal! I am not afarid to write a note to talk to my family or my husband's family or hearing friends. I want them know that I dont complain that they don't learn sign language. They understand that I don't force them to learn sign so deal with writing. We feel equal. Honest Deaf friends of mine have hard time accept me because I married a hearing man. They don't understand. I told them to learn accept us or not be our friend. My husband tell his friends to accpet us or not to be our friend. That is all we do.
 
That is all great advise, everybody. I learned a lot to help my marriage be a success. My marriage is the most important thing to me in this life.
 
Yea, I am not saying that all of you will fail. I am saying that it wouldn't come out easy! If you succeed that is great that you beat the odds. It takes hell of hard work, totally acceptance, and everything, even with "in-laws" too.


hohDougRN said:
WooHOo! a few more months and I beat that statistic...LOL I will be married 5 yrs in April.
Click to expand...
 
Like I said, it takes huge obstacle to beat! If you succeed, then your on one of these 15% side. It is NOT easy to sariface on either side due to difference. Many of them would just give up within 5 years.


starrygaze said:
i don't think so but few. my ex wife is hearing and we were together married for 15 years. one thing i hate the most was she always talks on the phones all night/days. i am tired of her! i sat in front of her family for dinner i did not know what did they talk about? i kept asking her what was about. no way! they should learn how to sign with me!
Click to expand...
 
my inlaws are 2500 miles away, so I don't really deal with it much....but at the same time it has prevented us from getting close and them knowing me better too.
 
hohDougRN said:
my inlaws are 2500 miles away, so I don't really deal with it much....but at the same time it has prevented us from getting close and them knowing me better too.
Click to expand...

One of the best pieces of advise I ever got just before my wife and I were married was from a pastor, and he said: If you find that your inlaws are creating problems in your marriage, move away.

For some reason, some inlaws tend to think that they know what their child or their child's spouse should do in every situation -- controlling. Once you take a marriage vow, you are separated from your parents, joined to your spouse. You have to think like that. Yes, you can still be friendly, and in some cases close (if you get along with your inlaws and they're totally accepting), but in many many cases, people end up fighting over their inlaws. That's a bad situation, and if you don't address it quickly and firmly, it can break up a marriage.

I think often one partner doesn't really understand the nature of marriage, and thinks that they can be both a husband or wife and "daddy's little girl" or "mommy's little boy". That doesn't work, and it probably needs to be confronted rather than ignored. Once you get married, your parents become friends you've known all your life. If you go much further than that, you're inviting trouble.

Inlaws are tricky... on the one hand you don't want to be distant and disrepectful, but on the other hand, you don't need them hovering over you in a new marriage.... just one of the many balancing acts you have to figure out when you get married (and kids adds a whole different set of balancing acts... eventually you start to feel like a circus juggler!)
 
diehardbiker said:
Please do not take me hard. But, FYI when I was in college doing research on deafies. I dropped my jaw when I learn the fact. at least 85% of deaf-hearie marriage ended up divorce within 5 years! I know some hearie-deafies have long marriage. Just that there is majority of them meaning not all of them didn't come out all based on culture conflicts.
Click to expand...

Yes, very true! This kind of marriage has had much higher percent of divorces basically due to several key points including the communication and culture differences.

Although as low like you said it works well but rather so few in the numbers. So your research must have done well and most approxiate there is. I wasn't that surprised of that though.

I'm married with my deaf wife for 11 years by the way. We are doing well together. I have seen my several friends who were married with hearies and ended up with uglier divorces except few still are married in my world, too.
 
I don't having problem with my hearing husband. We have been married for 14 yrs and still going strong. The most important thing is patience and love. We love each other , we like to joke and be open mind. We don't argue very often. I would say we argue about once a year. Arguing is not a big deal.
We have 2 kids. We love it. I have seen everybody is different and different life.
 
well i m deaf myself but i have zero deafcultures at all i shunned all deaf cultures and i cant tell you why so right now i m going to marry an hearing woman whom i m engaged with bascially we have no communciation problems we have no trust issues and our love is so powerful and is growing every second and our cultures are exactly like and i adapt to almost everything we are willing to keep an open mind and learn from each other deaf to deaf or hearing to hearing marriage doesnt really work out tha tgreat either so it doesnt really matter concerning the deaf or hearies its trust or communcation or love if one of them is missing then yeah relationship is doomed so in my opinion deaf and hearing marriage will be just fine besides everyone have their own culture anyway
 
Interesting... mmmhhh

I noticed many deaf ADers who have hearing partners and hearing ADers have deaf partners, too.

I would say that 0.5% of deafies who married hearing here in Germany. I only know 2 deafies person who married hearing partners... One married for 52 years and other 18 years... I aware that hearies have no intend to try anything with deafies as deafies to hearies as well. They each feel comfortable to communicate with their own culture than try other culture... Oh Well...
 
Liza said:
Communication can be challenging if hearing spouse isn't good with SL, and you are a native SL user. You have to have a lot of patience, and things will be ok.
Click to expand...

True

Yes, a lot of patience is a mainly key...
 
Askjo said:
Well, most deaf people do not understand the hearing world, and most hearing people do not understand the deaf world. Hearing/deaf couple in their marriage life still learn about their world. Share! Help each other! I am deaf and my wife is hearing. We celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary last month.

I asked my wife about the question what I was asked by deaf people concerning hearing people. They think hearing people understand more than deaf people. My wife answered NO! Why? Deaf and hearing people have common lifestyles -- worldly life or christian life. However their communication is different because they seldom get hard time to understand each other during their communication -- they misunderstand each other many times. They are human being.
Click to expand...

Oh wonderful for you guys.. congrats for 21st wedding anniversary... ! !

M-:afro:
 
armymech81 said:
I forgot to add, my family don't care that she is deaf. If my family did care if she was deaf, then I guess I won't have that close of a realtionship with my family. I started my own with my wife, and that is the most importent part of it.
Click to expand...

Hi ya,

yup, you said me about your deaf wife. i know its not easy with your wifes parents. i think, she can be happy that you will keep with her and your parents too. Think of positiv okay!

you know, i had been with my ex hearing bf since 5 years together so well. i dont imagine if i will someday again together with hearing bf. No Thanks!!!
i had enough myself experience what was happen?
 
diehardbiker said:
Please do not take me hard. But, FYI when I was in college doing research on deafies. I dropped my jaw when I learn the fact. at least 85% of deaf-hearie marriage ended up divorce within 5 years! I know some hearie-deafies have long marriage. Just that there is majority of them meaning not all of them didn't come out all based on culture conflicts.
Click to expand...
So are many deaf-deaf marriage ended up divorce. Really it does not make no difference between deaf-hearing and deaf-deaf marriages.
 
XBGMER said:
HONESTLY, I REALLY hate to say in some negative comments, in the Fact, hearning and deaf marriages/ couples won't be the long LASTING! Add my comment, I had experinces in marriage with previous hearing.. I would tell you but it is long story.. forget it! YOU GO THRU IT & SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.. YOU WILL BE BIG REGRETS FOR SURE... but GOOD LUCK to you all!
Click to expand...
I do not regret to be married to a hearing man, we have been together for almost 30 years and will celebrate silver anniversary next year. I love him more everyday.
 
drdistance said:
Hi! I am in a Deaf-hearing marriage and I am wondering how you all feel about "mixed" marriages.

If you are in a Deaf-hearing marriage, how did your family or friends feel about it?

Are there any challenges you dealt with?

Do you have any tips for success you can share?

What ways do you think Deaf-hearing marriages are different from Deaf-Deaf maariages?
Click to expand...

My family and his family have no problem with us after we been together for almost 30 years.

Challenge umm, I think be honest with each other is most challenge.

Tip for successful being Honest, loyality, faithful, commitment to each other, loving eachother, fulfil (mispelling)each other's need.

U know there is many deaf-hoh marriages, Deaf-deaf marriage, deaf-deaf marriage, Deaf-Deaf marriage, so every marriage is different. My marriage to hearing man may be somehow difference compare to my Deaf friends with their Deaf-hearing marriage, they are doing very well. I know very few deaf-hearing ended up divorce compare to Deaf-Deaf marriage which I know so many of them ended up divorce.
 
Back
Top