Communication Problems That Are Affecting My Marriage

L

lynndelaga

New Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
25
Reaction score
0
Hi, guys! It's been a while since I've been on this forum, and I wanted to post a new thread here:

I've been married to my husband (hearing) for 5 years, but we've been together for nearly 10 years (I am HOH). Communication has been one of the biggest problems in our marriage, and I don't want to lose him. I admit that most of it is my fault; I get reclusive at times, withdraw from conversations with him, and "bluff" so that it looks/appears as if I know what he's saying, when in fact, I've only caught a portion of what he's said.

I'm currently reading "Living Well With Hearing Loss" by Debbie Hunning, and I've also joined this forum approximately 3 years ago to help me out (although I apologize for not being on here frequently). I've also purchased the book, "Missed Connections" which talks about a sociologic perception of how HOH persons deal with social interactions and relationships in their lives. My husband is the one who purchased the book for me.

My husband has been EXTREMELY patient with me. His frustrations are valid, and I want to address them. I currently wear hearing aids, but I am afraid that pretty soon, I will find them useless (I've worn hearing aids since I was 13, and I'm currently 32). My husband and I have considered cochlear implants (which I hear are WAY expensive anyways), but we want to exhaust all measures first before resorting to surgery (and, both of us being RNs, we know the risks involved with surgery). I've also considered ASL, which I've taken a while back, but most I've already forgotten. My husband, in the future, has agreed to take an ASL course with me, along with our two children when they are older (both are currently under age 5).

What else can I do to alleviate our situation and communicate better with him? It's difficult, I know for someone who is HOH to be with someone who is hearing, but I want to make this work. Any advice is much appreciated! :)
 
Hi, Lynne. I know what you're going through. I'm HOH. I have genetic progressive hearing loss. My hubby is hearing. I'm learning sign language and my hubby is going to one class a week. He's a good sport about going to ASL socials and other events. I'm caught between two worlds right now and it's a real balancing act.

You sound like you're afraid that your hubby will not accept your deafness. I had this fear, too. I was hearing when we married. I flat out asked my husband some hard questions, like "Are you sorry that you married me because you didn't know that I would lose my hearing?" and "Do you feel weird being around deaf people?" Those issues were the big elephants in the room. I discussed these issues with my hubby and felt a lot better. It's a big adjustment!

I can tell from your post that your husband is willing to adjust and obviously cares about you. You may want to consider giving him the chance to rise to the occasion.

Teaching your kids ASL now will be a gift to them. I wish that my family had taught me as a child. I'm sorry that I didn't teach my kids when they were younger, especially since my kids have a 50% chance of being late deafened. Better late than never. lol
 
You are absolutely not alone.

Your comment:

I get reclusive at times, withdraw from conversations with him, and "bluff" so that it looks/appears as if I know what he's saying, when in fact, I've only caught a portion of what he's said.
Click to expand...

is one that I, and I think quite a few others here, can very much identify with. It is a source of friction between my SO and I from time to time. We have to talk it out every time things feel stressful, communication-wise. I think there is no easy answer except patience on both parties. I know that is so much easier said than done, however.

Sometimes we go through "busy" times where we are socializing quite a bit, and after a few events I've about had it with having to lipread, I retreat to corners (somewhat - I make excuses that I'm going to refresh my drink, etc. but it's really an opportunity to just get away for a few minutes from everybody else). I am nearly profoundly deaf but I really live in a hearing world.

Stick around .. maybe others will have ideas to help you through.
 
Thanks, guys, for your advice. You don't know how much it means to me knowing that I'm not alone in this.
 
lynndelaga said:
Hi, guys! It's been a while since I've been on this forum, and I wanted to post a new thread here:

I've been married to my husband (hearing) for 5 years, but we've been together for nearly 10 years (I am HOH). Communication has been one of the biggest problems in our marriage, and I don't want to lose him. I admit that most of it is my fault; I get reclusive at times, withdraw from conversations with him, and "bluff" so that it looks/appears as if I know what he's saying, when in fact, I've only caught a portion of what he's said.

I'm currently reading "Living Well With Hearing Loss" by Debbie Hunning, and I've also joined this forum approximately 3 years ago to help me out (although I apologize for not being on here frequently). I've also purchased the book, "Missed Connections" which talks about a sociologic perception of how HOH persons deal with social interactions and relationships in their lives. My husband is the one who purchased the book for me.

My husband has been EXTREMELY patient with me. His frustrations are valid, and I want to address them. I currently wear hearing aids, but I am afraid that pretty soon, I will find them useless (I've worn hearing aids since I was 13, and I'm currently 32). My husband and I have considered cochlear implants (which I hear are WAY expensive anyways), but we want to exhaust all measures first before resorting to surgery (and, both of us being RNs, we know the risks involved with surgery). I've also considered ASL, which I've taken a while back, but most I've already forgotten. My husband, in the future, has agreed to take an ASL course with me, along with our two children when they are older (both are currently under age 5).

What else can I do to alleviate our situation and communicate better with him? It's difficult, I know for someone who is HOH to be with someone who is hearing, but I want to make this work. Any advice is much appreciated! :)
Click to expand...

well looks like all of you are progressing just fine along with some bumps. It's cool that your hubby would take ASL with you. Meanwhile - if you can afford CI, then go for it if you really need it.

Yesterday - I had a long late dinner with my old friend who is a doctor. We got into talking about deafness.

She: why don't you get CI?
Me: why?
She: to hear better.
Me: I don't really need it if my hearing's gone.
She: But what about communicating with me or others?
Me: Instead of me accommodating you, why don't you accommodate me?
She: but.....
Me: Well - CI has a risk since it's a surgical option. There's a risk of meningitis, vertigo, nerve severance, post-op infection, etc. So.. put this way - if we're in relationship and condom (equivalent to HA) is not good enough... so I will ask you to get a tubal litigation and you know that it has a higher health complication than vasectomy so why do I have to take this medical risk for others when there is a simpler option like ASL? It's easy to learn.
She: :hmm: ....... ok........

then I taught her some basic signs because she's a doctor at hospital in Bronx. Lot of deafies around.

Me: easy right? :)
 
Jiro, that's a very good point. I'll look into ASL and maybe for now, I can get a DVD since my hubby is busy with both work and school. When the time comes, we can both attend an ASL course together.

I'll admit that I'm interested in CI, but of course, as a nurse, I know of all the risks and complications involved. ASL sounds great. :)
 
ASL is the least of your problem!!!! You and Hubby had to be able to communicate before you got married!!!! So what happen??? Make time and sit down to talk it out as to why you have this problem and this is the solution. Band-aids like ASL are just that--band-aids.
 
rolling7 said:
ASL is the least of your problem!!!! You and Hubby had to be able to communicate before you got married!!!! So what happen??? Make time and sit down to talk it out as to why you have this problem and this is the solution. Band-aids like ASL are just that--band-aids.
Click to expand...

You're absolutely right. And we've spent countless hours discussing this, and I am actually in the midst of resolving some of those issues/problems. As my hearing has worsened, he became more frustrated because I had the tendency to shut him out or, like I stated before, become reclusive. A lot of this is my doing, and ASL is just a small "band-aid" as you've claimed. It takes both me and him to work it out, which we are doing. I'm simply asking for communication skills people are using to enhance their relationships. Thanks, though for your piece of advice. It's much appreciated. :)
 
Facilitating communication by using ASL or any other alternative is in effect giving you the tools you need to help you communicate. It is a mite more than a bandaid.

Of course you secluded yourself. You both are grieving the loss of hearing, perhaps? Whatever it takes to open the doorway to communication, love and respect for one another, be it ASL, typing, writing, or just some really long and much needed hugs.

Remember that it is an adjustment for you both. You can pull through this and learn to enjoy one another again. It will take both of you, but hopefully one of you can make the first step to getting reaquainted. Good luck and perhaps check out the late deaf thread for even more support. Good luck and many long and happy years to you both.
 
lynndelaga said:
You're absolutely right. And we've spent countless hours discussing this, and I am actually in the midst of resolving some of those issues/problems. As my hearing has worsened, he became more frustrated because I had the tendency to shut him out or, like I stated before, become reclusive. A lot of this is my doing, and ASL is just a small "band-aid" as you've claimed. It takes both me and him to work it out, which we are doing. I'm simply asking for communication skills people are using to enhance their relationships. Thanks, though for your piece of advice. It's much appreciated. :)
Click to expand...

lol don't mind rolling. he's a heckler :lol:

and no ASL is not a bandaid. It's a serious option to consider along with CI. Either one - you have to stick with it and go through it. It will take a lot of time. There will be frustration involved.
 
AlleyCat said:
You are absolutely not alone.

Your comment:



is one that I, and I think quite a few others here, can very much identify with. It is a source of friction between my SO and I from time to time. We have to talk it out every time things feel stressful, communication-wise. I think there is no easy answer except patience on both parties. I know that is so much easier said than done, however.

Sometimes we go through "busy" times where we are socializing quite a bit, and after a few events I've about had it with having to lipread, I retreat to corners (somewhat - I make excuses that I'm going to refresh my drink, etc. but it's really an opportunity to just get away for a few minutes from everybody else). I am nearly profoundly deaf but I really live in a hearing world.

Stick around .. maybe others will have ideas to help you through.
Click to expand...

totally agree.

Sometimes people break me out of this "zone" when I'm trying to listen to them, change their tone and I snap out of concentration- losing the story in the process- and they'll sometimes get upset. My family can totally recognize when I haven't been following but their solution is simple; loud and clear. Asking for clarification isn't as a big deal with people you know as opposed to people who don't know who you are or are just ignorant of your deafness.
 
Unless you are both going to commit a lot of time and energy to learning ASL so that you can express yourselves as effectively as if you were speaking in English, then yes, it is going to be a "bandaid." It will take you several years, at least, to reach the advanced levels required to express complex emotions and thoughts.

Having said that, the journey that the two of you could make together in learning and mastering ASL would undoubtedly bring the two of you closer together, but only if you are both fully committed. If one person does not put in the effort, the other might become resentful, and then you're back to square one. It's really a big decision you need to make and commit to, just like a CI.

I don't see why you can't get a CI AND learn ASL. Why not attack from all areas? You seem to be late-deafened and have relied on English and speechreading. You are a PERFECT candidate for an implant.
 
Jiro said:
lol don't mind rolling. he's a heckler :lol:

and no ASL is not a bandaid. It's a serious option to consider along with CI. Either one - you have to stick with it and go through it. It will take a lot of time. There will be frustration involved.
Click to expand...

Who died and made you an expert on marriage??? Listen up---she is trying to save her marriage and the least of her problem is to learn something new or deal with a new CI or HA. Something happened after the "I Do" and that needs to be resolved. Until then nothing else matters and everything else is on the back burner. Get a clue Jiro!!
 
rolling7 said:
Who died and made you an expert on marriage??? Listen up---she is trying to save her marriage and the least of her problem is to learn something new or deal with a new CI or HA. Something happened after the "I Do" and that needs to be resolved. Until then nothing else matters and everything else is on the back burner. Get a clue Jiro!!
Click to expand...

I take it that you happen to be an expert?
 
rolling7 said:
Who died and made you an expert on marriage??? Listen up---she is trying to save her marriage and the least of her problem is to learn something new or deal with a new CI or HA. Something happened after the "I Do" and that needs to be resolved. Until then nothing else matters and everything else is on the back burner. Get a clue Jiro!!
Click to expand...

ASL is not a bandaid.
 
Simple, have sex more in your marriage. It will save from being suffer to man or woman.
 
Frisky Feline said:
ASL is not a bandaid.
Click to expand...

In this situation iy is. When a marriage is in trouble, the last thing you want to do is to try to change the way of communication. Why have two people trying to solve a problem in a language both are not using yet.
 
rolling7 said:
In this situation iy is. When a marriage is in trouble, the last thing you want to do is to try to change the way of communication. Why have two people trying to solve a problem in a language both are not using yet.
Click to expand...

so that's what you believe.... for others - not an issue. From what I see in here, they're willing to try.
 
Back
Top