CI Relationships

Raykat

Raykat

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Thought I would start a new thread for this rather than use my diary thread. May get more replies that way.

Has anyone found that their relationship changes or even falls apart after being implanted?

I dont mean right away, but further down the track when it all comes together and the deaf person becomes more outgoing and confidant. This changes the balance of power, the deafie no longer needs so much accommodation from the hearing partner.

I was talking my friend Elena the other day, she was implanted last year and is the best ever with it. I was very surprised when she mentioned that she had been thru some marriage problems late last year which are now sorted and things going better than ever. Elena handles PR and fundraising for Pindrop so knows a lot of implantees and said this has happened with quite a few people she knows.

Another friend was implanted 4 months ago and his girlfriend said his personalitie had changed so now they have gone their seperate ways.



Pindrop :: Giving sound to silence
 
Well, I knew two people who got implanted a while back ago and right away, they told my friends and I that they dont want to use ASL anymore and that we need to use spoken language with them. Since some of us misunderstand easily using spoken language, we felt hurt by them with their attitudes towards us so yea, it ruined our friendships.

As for relationships in marriages or dating, I dont know of a situation where a break-up occurred cuz someone got implanted.
 
shel90 said:
Well, I knew two people who got implanted a while back ago and right away, they told my friends and I that they dont want to use ASL anymore and that we need to use spoken language with them. Since some of us misunderstand easily using spoken language, we felt hurt by them with their attitudes towards us so yea, it ruined our friendships.

As for relationships in marriages or dating, I dont know of a situation where a break-up occurred cuz someone got implanted.
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Thanks Shel. Not wanting to be friends anymore or not accommodating your friends is just not on, your better off without these people.

For the purpose of this thread I am most interested in romantic relationships, marriages between hearing and deaf.



Pindrop :: Giving sound to silence
 
Raykat said:
Thanks Shel. Not wanting to be friends anymore or not accommodating your friends is just not on, your better off without these people.

For the purpose of this thread I am most interested in romantic relationships, marriages between hearing and deaf.



Pindrop :: Giving sound to silence
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Yea, that would be interesting to read others responses. My friend who just made the decision to get an implant is married to a hearing guy so I wonder if their troubled marriage will improve or not. Hope it improves.
 
Raykat said:
Thanks Shel. Not wanting to be friends anymore or not accommodating your friends is just not on, your better off without these people.

For the purpose of this thread I am most interested in romantic relationships, marriages between hearing and deaf.
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Interesting question!

I can see how this might happen, particularly if the relationship was unbalanced prior to the CI with the deaf person being dependent on the hearing partner and if the hearing partner abuses that dependency so as to become controlling.

After I got my CI I became more confident and more feeling like I can do things on my own, so if the same thing happened to people in abusive relationships then they might take the opportunity to make the changes they had been wanting to do for a while?
 
shel90 said:
Yea, that would be interesting to read others responses. My friend who just made the decision to get an implant is married to a hearing guy so I wonder if their troubled marriage will improve or not. Hope it improves.
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Dont be surprised if she decides she is better off without him. And boy will that be a shock to his ego, just like to my ex 7 years ago. The hearie usually thinks the deafie is so dependant upon them that they wont go it alone. Mind you it wasnt hearing/deaf issues that broke us up as he was wonderful in that respect.

If your friend already has problems her new found confidence will only make them more glaringly obvious.

My b/f doesnt know it yet but he is on probation, just waiting to see how CI pans out. He is great one on one but hopeless in group situations, talks with his hand over mouth, etc etc. And when I have mentioned it to him he just says, "thats your problem" which pretty much sums up his atitude.
 
For us, it has been a tremendous help for our relationship.

Not that we were struggling "per se" but rather she (my wife) had to do so much more "hearing" for the both of us. Now since I can hear well enough again, I can take some if not most of that burden back. That has balanced things out for us.
 
Raykat said:
Dont be surprised if she decides she is better off without him. And boy will that be a shock to his ego, just like to my ex 7 years ago. The hearie usually thinks the deafie is so dependant upon them that they wont go it alone. Mind you it wasnt hearing/deaf issues that broke us up as he was wonderful in that respect.

If your friend already has problems her new found confidence will only make them more glaringly obvious.

My b/f doesnt know it yet but he is on probation, just waiting to see how CI pans out. He is great one on one but hopeless in group situations, talks with his hand over mouth, etc etc. And when I have mentioned it to him he just says, "thats your problem" which pretty much sums up his atitude.
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U are right..her husband seems like the kind who wants full control. Now, I am tempted to tell her to schedule a CI surgery NOW! LOL! I just tried VPing her but she is not answering...grrrrrr.
 
sr171soars said:
For us, it has been a tremendous help for our relationship.

Not that we were struggling "per se" but rather she (my wife) had to do so much more "hearing" for the both of us. Now since I can hear well enough again, I can take some if not most of that burden back. That has balanced things out for us.
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Thats wonderful, tho I do think its could be easier if the man is deaf rather than the woman. Women are generally the nurturers and used to watching out for others. Unless a man is the caring sort he isnt always so good at these things.
 
shel90 said:
U are right..her husband seems like the kind who wants full control. Now, I am tempted to tell her to schedule a CI surgery NOW! LOL! I just tried VPing her but she is not answering...grrrrrr.
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:naughty: naughty naughty Shel....lol
 
sr171soars said:
For us, it has been a tremendous help for our relationship.

Not that we were struggling "per se" but rather she (my wife) had to do so much more "hearing" for the both of us. Now since I can hear well enough again, I can take some if not most of that burden back. That has balanced things out for us.
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About the same here. We were doing good without the CI but at times things were stressful. He enjoyed doing things more then I did, but then he had no problems following the conversations and such. Now we both enjoy doing things, and i take care of making my own appointments and even answer the phone now. :)
 
As a person with C.I. is like wearing a hearing aid only stronger. But C.I. don't change the person that I am. I am always the same kind, caring, loving person inside and out. I would never turn my back on my deaf , hoh and hearing friends. I treat everybody the same and love them no matter what. Just because a person have C.I. don't means we changed our behavior or the way we feel. I know some are against C.I. that okay. But turning against a friendship that have C.I. is heart breaking. C.I. should not be the cause of a break up friendship. If you care about someone, love them and be supportive no matter what. :)
 
GarnetTigerMom said:
As a person with C.I. is like wearing a hearing aid only stronger. But C.I. don't change the person that I am. I am always the same kind, caring, loving person inside and out. I would never turn my back on my deaf , hoh and hearing friends. I treat everybody the same and love them no matter what. Just because a person have C.I. don't means we changed our behavior or the way we feel. I know some are against C.I. that okay. But turning against a friendship that have C.I. is heart breaking. C.I. should not be the cause of a break up friendship. If you care about someone, love them and be supportive no matter what. :)
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Yes, that's true, you are absolutely right. However, this isn't really what we are talking about. We are talking about friendships and relationships with hearing people where there is a degree of dependency to the point that it has turned abusive. Sometimes getting a CI can give someone enough confidence to say "enough is enough."

However, if the hearing partner was not abusive even though there was some dependency, it will likely survive and may even improve as per S171soars's post. I think in some relationships, having a dependency can bring people closer. For example there have been times in my marriage when I've had to do all the driving as my husband has a history of epilepsy and it made me feel that I was helping him out just as he helped me out with his hearing. It's just when it becomes abusive when it becomes a problem.
 
R2D2 said:
Yes, that's true, you are absolutely right. However, this isn't really what we are talking about. We are talking about friendships and relationships with hearing people where there is a degree of dependency to the point that it has turned abusive. Sometimes getting a CI can give someone enough confidence to say "enough is enough."

However, if the hearing partner was not abusive even though there was some dependency, it will likely survive and may even improve as per S171soars's post. I think in some relationships, having a dependency can bring people closer. For example there have been times in my marriage when I've had to do all the driving as my husband has a history of epilepsy and it made me feel that I was helping him out just as he helped me out with his hearing. It's just when it becomes abusive when it becomes a problem.
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Not necessarily abusive R2D2, the people I have spoken to here dont have that problem. One of them is a very outgoing lady who runs PR and fundraising for Pindrop here, she used to run a personal agency before losing a bit too much hearing to be able to use phone. I was amazed when she mentioned that her and hubby had faced problems since she got CI as they are such a loving couple. However they took time out and are all sorted now.

The other friend who I think I mentioned in first post, had not long started a new relationship but only 3 months after getting switched on it is all overe as his g/f said his personality had changed. Never having met her I can only go by what he says.

My ex was never abusive, always kind and careing regards to my deafness but I do believe he never expected me to leave him (for other reasons entirely) and go it alone. My present b/f is a different story altogether. Great one on one but hopeless at helping me out when in company, not sure it is worth the effort to train him....lol
 
GarnetTigerMom said:
As a person with C.I. is like wearing a hearing aid only stronger. But C.I. don't change the person that I am. I am always the same kind, caring, loving person inside and out. I would never turn my back on my deaf , hoh and hearing friends. I treat everybody the same and love them no matter what. Just because a person have C.I. don't means we changed our behavior or the way we feel. I know some are against C.I. that okay. But turning against a friendship that have C.I. is heart breaking. C.I. should not be the cause of a break up friendship. If you care about someone, love them and be supportive no matter what. :)
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Having CI does not change the person you are but it can be a huge confidence booster, changing someone who just sat quietly in the corner into the life and soul of the party. This would of course be disconcerting for the hearing partner who may be used to having control or being a "crutch" for the deaf person. The fact that the deafie no longer needs quite so much "hand holding" could in time make the hearie feel unneeded. Of course if the relationship already had problems all of the above would just fasttrack its demise.
 
Raykat said:
Having CI does not change the person you are but it can be a huge confidence booster, changing someone who just sat quietly in the corner into the life and soul of the party. This would of course be disconcerting for the hearing partner who may be used to having control or being a "crutch" for the deaf person. The fact that the deafie no longer needs quite so much "hand holding" could in time make the hearie feel unneeded. Of course if the relationship already had problems all of the above would just fasttrack its demise.
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If that's the case, too bad for the hearing person! If they feel that they need to control their deaf partner in the relationship, they are worthless scumbags.
 
Raykat said:
Having CI does not change the person you are but it can be a huge confidence booster, changing someone who just sat quietly in the corner into the life and soul of the party. This would of course be disconcerting for the hearing partner who may be used to having control or being a "crutch" for the deaf person. The fact that the deafie no longer needs quite so much "hand holding" could in time make the hearie feel unneeded. Of course if the relationship already had problems all of the above would just fasttrack its demise.
Click to expand...

Ah, Speaking of being control by hearing partner or family members it not something to take lightly, I been there and I hated that control. Lot of time I would fight back and made it clear to family members and anyone I ever dated that I won't put up with being control. I won't let them use that power over me anymore. if hearing person don't like that that too bad. They don't got a right to control a deaf, hoh or any other handicap people. They got a right to live their own life how they see it. It shame hearing people can't learn to let it go and stop acting like hovering mother hens. :)
 
GarnetTigerMom said:
Ah, Speaking of being control by hearing partner or family members it not something to take lightly, I been there and I hated that control. Lot of time I would fight back and made it clear to family members and anyone I ever dated that I won't put up with being control. I won't let them use that power over me anymore. if hearing person don't like that that too bad. They don't got a right to control a deaf, hoh or any other handicap people. They got a right to live their own life how they see it. It shame hearing people can't learn to let it go and stop acting like hovering mother hens. :)
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No one has the right to control another person, but it is very easy to fall into the pattern of letting a hearie do things which we may not be able to (use phone, speak for us in some situations etc ) that before we know it the other person thinks they are indespencable, which is fine of the hearie is a nice well balanced soul, however human nature being what it is it doesnt take long for "power " to go to ones head.

"hovering mother hens" rings a bell for me with my mum and some of my friends!!!!
 
Raykat said:
No one has the right to control another person, but it is very easy to fall into the pattern of letting a hearie do things which we may not be able to (use phone, speak for us in some situations etc ) that before we know it the other person thinks they are indespencable, which is fine of the hearie is a nice well balanced soul, however human nature being what it is it doesnt take long for "power " to go to ones head.

"hovering mother hens" rings a bell for me with my mum and some of my friends!!!!
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That's interesting. My hearing husband always tells me to make phone calls for him cuz he hates talking on the phone. LOL!


My best friend's situation would be such a perfect example to what happens to a relationship after one gets a CI but she just told me that she is still unsure. Her husband said something to her about it the other day that make her very unsure again. I wont go in details but I wonder if her husband suspects that if she gets a CI, he will lose control? Hmmmmm
 
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