Worried I'm falling out of love?

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metalangel

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As per the title, I am :(

We've been together ten years (not married), lived together for six.

I think a large part of it is down to my job: I work either from very early in the morning (and so need to go to bed early) or from the beginning of the afternoon (and so don't get home until nearly 11pm, when she's about ready to go to bed). As a result, we hardly see each other, especially when I'm on the late shift. When I do get home I need some time to myself to de-stress.

I think we've grown apart because of this.

I also find that all she wants to do when she isn't at work is sit in front of the TV or on the internet, she tends to eat some food and doesn't replenish the cupboard. I find this aggravating as it feels like I'm the only one doing anything. So, when we are home and I'd like to see her, she's watching CSI or Vampire Diaries or something. There isn't really much else to go out and do where we live (unless you want to go to a pub and drink) so we are kinda stuck in here.

I'm fed up with my job, I am sick of sitting at this f'ing desk, it seems like all I do is go to work, then come home and eat before going to bed so I can be up to go back to work again, it's like I'm always at work. This is why I have my plan to move back to Canada. She wants to come too, and we're filling in the sponsorship forms so she can emigrate with me.

It's hard for me to stay positive and happy when I'm so fed up with everything, sometimes I have terrible thoughts that I wish she was gone so I could just get on with my life. We had a rough patch back in 2003-4 where it nearly ended but we both fought hard to rebuild our lives and stay together. She knows the only reason I stayed in the UK after I finished university here was to stay with her, and some of those terrible thoughts are ones thinking I've wasted my 20s by doing so.

I'm frustrated and irritable and am worried that I'm unfairly projecting this onto her. I hate feeling like this, does anyone have any advice?
 
Wow, ya know, I've been friends with my girlfriend for 7 months. We're dating for 14 months up to now.

I wouldn't imagine living with person for 6 years and not marry. Yeah, there is something wrong with picture. My girlfriend wants a ring.
 
Steinhauer said:
You both need some adventure to rejuvenate your relationship.
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I agree. It's hard to find the time, but now that the nicer weather is coming maybe it'll be possible. Moving to Canada will be a big adventure too!

dereksbicycles said:
I wouldn't imagine living with person for 6 years and not marry. Yeah, there is something wrong with picture. My girlfriend wants a ring.
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We've talked about that, she's happy 'living in sin' (her words) and doesn't see the need for a ring.
 
Normal feelings.

All couples that live together must work on their relationship in order to keep the flame going. Remember....it takes two to make it work, if one is doing all the work, that person is going to feel resentment/bitterness.

My opinion: if one spouse is working long hours to provide for others, and the 'others' are not sharing the burden by keeping the house clean, etc, then you need to let the 'others' know that you expect them to do their share. If they choose to let you do all the work and live the lazy life, it is time to move on.
 
metalangel said:
I agree. It's hard to find the time, but now that the nicer weather is coming maybe it'll be possible. Moving to Canada will be a big adventure too!

We've talked about that, she's happy 'living in sin' (her words) and doesn't see the need for a ring.
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Dude, I've been alive longer than you, and one big lesson I've learned is that people's personalities do not change. As we all get older, our true colors come to light. The compassionate person will continue to show compassion, and the selfish person will become really selfish.

Not to sound like a downer, but if someone is lazy or unappreciative in one place, they are going to be the same way in another place. Trust me on this one.
 
Sounds like the "10 year itch"....even middle-age crisis....very vulnerable time for married couples.....

Maybe suggest a mini-vacation for both of you, get out of town, away from the stress....and try to find the love you had in the beginning!....Good Luck!
 
dereksbicycles said:
Wow, ya know, I've been friends with my girlfriend for 7 months. We're dating for 14 months up to now.

I wouldn't imagine living with person for 6 years and not marry. Yeah, there is something wrong with picture. My girlfriend wants a ring.
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What exacty is wrong? Not all couples are wanting to be married. How your girlfriend feels is not how all women feel...
How a couple chose to live (married or de facto) is there business - their is no right or wrong.

Back to the OP
I think you both need to sit down and express your needs to one another.
You need to bring any issues to light or you'll end up harbouring them and they'll grow into resentment.

If you're unhappy about your job then maybe look for something more suitable? Even a change of occupation will dramatically improve your life.

Maybe you need to set aside a day of the week (every week) when you know you'll be off reguarly (or pick a couple days so you can alternate if your work won't allow) for date night.
Surely your partner can record her shows or not watch a DVD for one night when you can go to dinner and talk (I suggest avoid going to the movies for a while - you guys need the communication back).

You don't necessarily need to go out to dinner - have a candle lit dinner at home - TV stays off, play some nice music - you need to rekindle the romance.

Can you take time off work? Might be worthwhile taking a weekend or a couple days off and go to a bed and breakfast or camping (weather depending) or just a weekend in a hotel/motel somewhere - a break can do wonders.

I guess communication is the 1st step however, you both need to express your issues and get them all out and tackle one at a time.

Your partner may be inconsiderate as a subconcious way to get your attention as you're working all the time. I mean a fight is better then being ignored right?

Good luck :)
 
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Wirelessly posted

First off, try to reconcile communication, nothing can be done and resolved unless you two can talk it over together. Second, if she is on SSI, then why can't she modyfy her timing with yours? I have a varied schedule, and I handle jet lag just fine, just takes some planning and ACTUALLY going through with it.
 
Thanks for the responses folks.

I've told her most of this anyway, that I'm fed up with the way things are, that we've grown apart and while the job pays well there's no point having piles of money if you're miserable.

A change in career is something I'm actively pursuing - that's why I'm on this forum, to learn about Deaf culture and interpreting as that's what I'm looking at going to do.

A trip away is an idea, however I've been saving money and trying to avoid big outgoings like that in order to pay for moving back to Canada. We've had a few breaks here and there but 2010 was an expensive year with the Southwestern US followed by Paris and she hates not being able to pay her share which kinda puts the brakes on doing that.

Changing her hours isn't really possible, she works 9-4 Monday to Thursday, and if I'm in early I'm looking at gonig to bed about 8:30pm or so.

When I read about other couples and families where both adults work (including one lady who does the same job as me, she doesn't see her two young kids very much because of the hours) I think it's not so bad for us. There was another thread on here where the man worked nights and the woman worked days, for example.

I am wondering if my misery at work is being unfairly projected to her. After all, when you're in a bad mood you're much more irritable and likely to pick up on and become upset by small issues.

I also read a great bit of advice, paraphrased: If you were going to a friend's house for dinner, and got stuck in traffic and were 20 minutes late, would you expect your friend to shout at you that they'd all been kepting waiting and the food was cold and how selfish are you? Of course not, so don't treat your OH like that, give them the same courtesy you would everyone else you meet.
 
metalangel said:
Thanks for the responses folks.

I've told her most of this anyway, that I'm fed up with the way things are, that we've grown apart and while the job pays well there's no point having piles of money if you're miserable.

A change in career is something I'm actively pursuing - that's why I'm on this forum, to learn about Deaf culture and interpreting as that's what I'm looking at going to do.

A trip away is an idea, however I've been saving money and trying to avoid big outgoings like that in order to pay for moving back to Canada. We've had a few breaks here and there but 2010 was an expensive year with the Southwestern US followed by Paris and she hates not being able to pay her share which kinda puts the brakes on doing that.

Changing her hours isn't really possible, she works 9-4 Monday to Thursday, and if I'm in early I'm looking at gonig to bed about 8:30pm or so.

When I read about other couples and families where both adults work (including one lady who does the same job as me, she doesn't see her two young kids very much because of the hours) I think it's not so bad for us. There was another thread on here where the man worked nights and the woman worked days, for example.

I am wondering if my misery at work is being unfairly projected to her. After all, when you're in a bad mood you're much more irritable and likely to pick up on and become upset by small issues.

I also read a great bit of advice, paraphrased: If you were going to a friend's house for dinner, and got stuck in traffic and were 20 minutes late, would you expect your friend to shout at you that they'd all been kepting waiting and the food was cold and how selfish are you? Of course not, so don't treat your OH like that, give them the same courtesy you would everyone else you meet.
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It is quite possible that is what you are doing.
You're unhappy at work but can't really do anything about any frustrations so when you come home you snap at the smallest thing.

Depending on how long it takes you to get home from work - you should use this time to unwind and calm down and give yourself time to leave work at work.
Like myself, I catch the train and it takes me all up an hour to get home from work (the comute to the train station plus the train ride itsself). I listen to my ipod (usually nice relaxing, calming music) and I might read. By the time I get home I feel super!

I hope you can work something out :) All the best of luck!
 
I would agree, it sounds like your work frustration is affecting your relationship, and she's probably frustrated too. How does she feel about how things are between you two?
I would sugest you research whether if you sponsor her and things don't work out, and she stays in Canada, are you financially responsible for her? I thought there was something in the sponsorship laws about that. I don't want to be mean, but you have to be sure you've got your bases covered. Jobs can be hard to come by in some sectors here as well.

I've been married almost 18 years, with my husband for almost 21, and there are times we don't get along either.
 
Kalima01 said:
Depending on how long it takes you to get home from work - you should use this time to unwind and calm down and give yourself time to leave work at work.
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It's about half an hour, but sometimes I get home only to find that there's nowhere to park and I spend 15 minutes driving around the block.

We both appreciate the need to chill out, we call it 'defuzzing', time to let your fur settle back down nice and smooth after you've spent the day hissing and spitting. :giggle:

honey.toronto said:
I would agree, it sounds like your work frustration is affecting your relationship, and she's probably frustrated too. How does she feel about how things are between you two?
I would sugest you research whether if you sponsor her and things don't work out, and she stays in Canada, are you financially responsible for her? I thought there was something in the sponsorship laws about that. I don't want to be mean, but you have to be sure you've got your bases covered. Jobs can be hard to come by in some sectors here as well.

I've been married almost 18 years, with my husband for almost 21, and there are times we don't get along either.
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She's happy, she is more worried that I'm upset and frustrated, but she's just fed up with how things are too and sees moving as a fresh start that she needs too.

According to Spousal Sponsorship-Canada : British Expat Wiki I'd be responsible for three years.
 
Kalima01 said:
...Depending on how long it takes you to get home from work - you should use this time to unwind and calm down and give yourself time to leave work at work.
Like myself, I catch the train and it takes me all up an hour to get home from work (the comute to the train station plus the train ride itsself). I listen to my ipod (usually nice relaxing, calming music) and I might read. By the time I get home I feel super!
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Just an aside.

For some people, commuting is the most stressful part of the work day. Instead of arriving home relaxed, we arrive home extremely stressed by driving thru heavy, dangerous traffic.
 
Reba said:
Just an aside.

For some people, commuting is the most stressful part of the work day. Instead of arriving home relaxed, we arrive home extremely stressed by driving thru heavy, dangerous traffic.
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That's right. Thank God, I work at night, less traffic.
 
Yup. Rush hour in Cardiff is horrendous, but the one advantage to my hours is that I miss both of them.

If I'm needed to come in at a different time (when the traffic will be bad) I tend to use my motorcycle so I can filter through the jams. Still takes a lot longer, though.

By the way folks, I'm feeling better having talked about it here. Thank you!
 
Start dating again. Put that "first date" effort into it. You don't "fall out of love" but that initial lusty feeling subsides and life becomes ordinary and boring. You have to put effort into getting that "spark" back. The butterflies in your stomach that were there at the beginning are all gone. Focus on being each other's boyfriend/girlfriend. If you start doting on her, rubbing her feet, being all romantic, you might be surprised how she reciprocates.
 
Reba said:
Just an aside.

For some people, commuting is the most stressful part of the work day. Instead of arriving home relaxed, we arrive home extremely stressed by driving thru heavy, dangerous traffic.
Click to expand...

Oh that I am aware of which is why I'm glad to catch the train :)
I can snooze, read and listen to music on my way into the city - plus it's heaps cheaper!!!

Thats why I was enquiring how OP got to work etc... Alas she drives so prob more stressed like you stipulated :)

Maybe some angry rock music to belt out at the top of your lungs?
 
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