Everlucent
Member
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2008
- Messages
- 124
- Reaction score
- 13
Seriously, I'm starting to worry that I might.
Sounds needlessly dramatic, and it is to some extent, I've never had a serious relationship where I thought "I'm in love", in 37 years I've not had many relationships at all, just a 3, that's strange because everyone I know, work with, even my family members would describe me as a handsome ladies man, one who is always dating around and should settle down.
Even my own family, it's how everyone sees me, and it's not true, you'd think they would realize that I never come to events or holidays with date, or that my pictures are always without any of those beautiful women they assume I am dating. I was talking with my sister earlier this evening and she asked me, "so when are you going to finally propose?" and I'm blown away and say, "propose? to who?", "You know, to what's her name, you're too secretive Lucent, you never tell anyone your girlfriends name"
I was shocked, "I don't have a girlfriend Tina, I haven't dated anyone since 2012"
She didn't believe me, she was upset with me and offended that I wouldn't introduce her to my girlfriend that doesn't exist, "why do you have to be so secretive" she says, "everyone knows you like to date around but it's time you started a family" "You always have girlfriends, probably even more that one at a time Lucent"
I was flabbergasted, i didn't know what to think, hours later I found myself sitting alone, as always, on the foot of my bed, I was ashamed to not have a girlfriend to share with my sister, I'm always a little embarrassed to always show up alone at events or holidays, last Christmas I actually hired a professional escort to attend the office party (a proper professional escort, not a hooker, she even knew ASL), That was when I decided to get cochlear implants.
Getting bilateral CI was part of my deciding it was time I stopped focusing on my business and seriously find a lady to share my life with, i figured being hearing would solve the problem and a handsome, successful, and well mannered man could find love.
2 CI implants later, I've learned to hear and speak, it took a lot of effort to become hearing, studying English and practicing my enunciation constantly until everyone says I sound just like any other hearing person who speaks well.
Here we are, almost a year later, and I haven't even been on a single date, I'm still a complete fool when it comes to talking to women, and I'm lonely, lonelier now than I ever was before, because now I realize that I have a problem, I realize that I may die alone and ask myself, is it even worth going on when in reality, all my accomplishments and successes I've worked so hard for, mean nothing when you have no one to share it with.
My apologies, I'm not really so dramatic or wallowing in self-pity, I kind of wish I hadn't had that conversation with my sister today, if I could take back time I would never have answered the call, I never realized that my own family didn't know that I am single, that I've always been single.
To not only have the shame of not being believed about it, but to actually be in trouble or caused offense for being single, for not being the man they thought I was, I called a buddy later today, and asked if he knew I was single. "nah man, I thought you were gay, and didn't want people to know"...
Great, so now im not only a lier, I'm gay too, gods above, what do other people think? How many obsurb fictions are going through the minds of those close to me, my assistant must think I'm heartless for never sending flowers or gifts to a lover. last week she asked if I needed her help picking out feminine gifts for Christmas, she even went so far as "I know you're so busy so I can help get your wife and daughters gifts, I don't mind, all men have trouble shopping for the women in their lives." it never occurred to me until just now that she has an entire illusionary family for me, "that's okay, I had a matching necklace and earrings sets made for all of my sisters". Now I would feel like a perv to specifically inform her that I am single and have no daughters.
I wish there were more people on AllDeaf or at least more that are active, I don't actually need tons of people, just one single Deaf or HOH or CODA lady who could love a deaf workaholic geek who is passionate(probably) and loves all the way, forever. I know just asking for a beautiful and kind single deaf lady is a long shot, but it would be so awsome to find a lady who understands development or marketing. I'm kind of a Geek, well, not kind of, I'm a Geeks, Geek, the geek of the geeks, and I've met few people who understand what I do little less comprehend what the heck I'm talking about when I am puzzling through an issue with a solution I'm developing. I spend most of my days in building solutions for another world, might be part of issue with finding love, and the fact that inside, in my heart, I know I could never just settle for anything. I know I need to be with someone who understands me, loves being with me, loves me for who I am and not for money, or the successes I've had or for the things I could give her or him even, shit If I found a handsome man with all those qualities I might just decide to be gay after all... The love I seek goes far beyond the physical attraction or labels society puts on people. The love I seek, real love, if between two or more people that find solace and completion of their soul by being together.
That's why I'm still alone, why I don't date just to date, or look for a quick sexual partner, the reason why I am so fantastic at developing business solutions that rock, is bevause I'll never settle for good enough, or string someone along that I know won't be the lover of my life. All or nothing sucks, but you sleep better at night knowing you're not hurting someone just to get a quick fix.
Sounds needlessly dramatic, and it is to some extent, I've never had a serious relationship where I thought "I'm in love", in 37 years I've not had many relationships at all, just a 3, that's strange because everyone I know, work with, even my family members would describe me as a handsome ladies man, one who is always dating around and should settle down.
Even my own family, it's how everyone sees me, and it's not true, you'd think they would realize that I never come to events or holidays with date, or that my pictures are always without any of those beautiful women they assume I am dating. I was talking with my sister earlier this evening and she asked me, "so when are you going to finally propose?" and I'm blown away and say, "propose? to who?", "You know, to what's her name, you're too secretive Lucent, you never tell anyone your girlfriends name"
I was shocked, "I don't have a girlfriend Tina, I haven't dated anyone since 2012"
She didn't believe me, she was upset with me and offended that I wouldn't introduce her to my girlfriend that doesn't exist, "why do you have to be so secretive" she says, "everyone knows you like to date around but it's time you started a family" "You always have girlfriends, probably even more that one at a time Lucent"
I was flabbergasted, i didn't know what to think, hours later I found myself sitting alone, as always, on the foot of my bed, I was ashamed to not have a girlfriend to share with my sister, I'm always a little embarrassed to always show up alone at events or holidays, last Christmas I actually hired a professional escort to attend the office party (a proper professional escort, not a hooker, she even knew ASL), That was when I decided to get cochlear implants.
Getting bilateral CI was part of my deciding it was time I stopped focusing on my business and seriously find a lady to share my life with, i figured being hearing would solve the problem and a handsome, successful, and well mannered man could find love.
2 CI implants later, I've learned to hear and speak, it took a lot of effort to become hearing, studying English and practicing my enunciation constantly until everyone says I sound just like any other hearing person who speaks well.
Here we are, almost a year later, and I haven't even been on a single date, I'm still a complete fool when it comes to talking to women, and I'm lonely, lonelier now than I ever was before, because now I realize that I have a problem, I realize that I may die alone and ask myself, is it even worth going on when in reality, all my accomplishments and successes I've worked so hard for, mean nothing when you have no one to share it with.
My apologies, I'm not really so dramatic or wallowing in self-pity, I kind of wish I hadn't had that conversation with my sister today, if I could take back time I would never have answered the call, I never realized that my own family didn't know that I am single, that I've always been single.
To not only have the shame of not being believed about it, but to actually be in trouble or caused offense for being single, for not being the man they thought I was, I called a buddy later today, and asked if he knew I was single. "nah man, I thought you were gay, and didn't want people to know"...
Great, so now im not only a lier, I'm gay too, gods above, what do other people think? How many obsurb fictions are going through the minds of those close to me, my assistant must think I'm heartless for never sending flowers or gifts to a lover. last week she asked if I needed her help picking out feminine gifts for Christmas, she even went so far as "I know you're so busy so I can help get your wife and daughters gifts, I don't mind, all men have trouble shopping for the women in their lives." it never occurred to me until just now that she has an entire illusionary family for me, "that's okay, I had a matching necklace and earrings sets made for all of my sisters". Now I would feel like a perv to specifically inform her that I am single and have no daughters.
I wish there were more people on AllDeaf or at least more that are active, I don't actually need tons of people, just one single Deaf or HOH or CODA lady who could love a deaf workaholic geek who is passionate(probably) and loves all the way, forever. I know just asking for a beautiful and kind single deaf lady is a long shot, but it would be so awsome to find a lady who understands development or marketing. I'm kind of a Geek, well, not kind of, I'm a Geeks, Geek, the geek of the geeks, and I've met few people who understand what I do little less comprehend what the heck I'm talking about when I am puzzling through an issue with a solution I'm developing. I spend most of my days in building solutions for another world, might be part of issue with finding love, and the fact that inside, in my heart, I know I could never just settle for anything. I know I need to be with someone who understands me, loves being with me, loves me for who I am and not for money, or the successes I've had or for the things I could give her or him even, shit If I found a handsome man with all those qualities I might just decide to be gay after all... The love I seek goes far beyond the physical attraction or labels society puts on people. The love I seek, real love, if between two or more people that find solace and completion of their soul by being together.
That's why I'm still alone, why I don't date just to date, or look for a quick sexual partner, the reason why I am so fantastic at developing business solutions that rock, is bevause I'll never settle for good enough, or string someone along that I know won't be the lover of my life. All or nothing sucks, but you sleep better at night knowing you're not hurting someone just to get a quick fix.
