Why are hearing co workers so afraid to talk to deaf co worker?

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pixiestix

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I believe this is common.

I hate it when hearing co worker have an issue with me, and won't directly confront/talk to me about it, and will often email me and cc my boss. I hate that. There is no need to get boss involved unless you continually talk to this co worker without any resolution.

Maybe they don't know how to confront or tell you how they feel, etc. But come on, I'm human just like everyone else just can't hear is all. When this happens, I feel incompetent, ya know? Maybe it's not the right wording, but I feel angry, hurt, etc., why involve my supervisor especially when he never had to tell me how he felt about something before, and this was the first time telling me, (which is great, but please do not involve my boss at firsT). Also there was a miscommunication because he thought I was calling him selfish and mean, which I NEVER DID, I never said he was selfish and mean, I also never used the word YOU, ever. I was saying in general, the dept., because of stupid coffee machine was for a certain dept (ours) only and it was in common area (kitchen) shared by several depts. I just didn't think it was fair to have a fancy coffee maker in common area. He emailed me saying he didnt appreciate me calling him names, and I did not notice that he cc'ed my boss until my boss emailed me asking what was that about? GRRRRRRR!!!!! I told him that I never called him names, and sorry that he felt that way.

But I really wish they could approach us without involving our supervisor at first. This can also harm workplace morale as well.

I am deaf, but I can understand things, I have good grasp of english, and all sorts.

Why are they like this??????? I am fortunate that most co workers here at work are pretty cool and if they have some sort of issues with me, they can just tell me with no hard feelings. I like it that way, and I would prefer they be upfront with me. I can handle that better. If they handle it wrong way, such as going to boss, it will leave a bad taste for me.

As a result, I have kind of lost respect for him. :mad:


What are your experiences with hearies in a work place?
 
We had an editor at the newspaper that had absolutely no idea how to communicate with me... At one point I did type up a small thing about how to communicate with the deaf (but more specifically me). My supervisor thought this was great and shared it with EVERYONE in the newsroom, but the editor still didn't attempt to communicate with me. Oy! We have a different editor now and he seems more willing to communicate. My supervisor is awesome too, I love her!
 
I would advise you to talk to your supervisor and/or boss and tell them next time co-workers approach them about you, to redirect them to you. That way, you're being pro-active and much more in charge and not only that, but lines of communication will open up between you and others and may foster better relations in the future.
 
pixiestix said:
I believe this is common.

I hate it when hearing co worker have an issue with me, and won't directly confront/talk to me about it, and will often email me and cc my boss. I hate that. There is no need to get boss involved unless you continually talk to this co worker without any resolution.

Maybe they don't know how to confront or tell you how they feel, etc. But come on, I'm human just like everyone else just can't hear is all. When this happens, I feel incompetent, ya know? Maybe it's not the right wording, but I feel angry, hurt, etc., why involve my supervisor especially when he never had to tell me how he felt about something before, and this was the first time telling me, (which is great, but please do not involve my boss at firsT). Also there was a miscommunication because he thought I was calling him selfish and mean, which I NEVER DID, I never said he was selfish and mean, I also never used the word YOU, ever. I was saying in general, the dept., because of stupid coffee machine was for a certain dept (ours) only and it was in common area (kitchen) shared by several depts. I just didn't think it was fair to have a fancy coffee maker in common area. He emailed me saying he didnt appreciate me calling him names, and I did not notice that he cc'ed my boss until my boss emailed me asking what was that about? GRRRRRRR!!!!! I told him that I never called him names, and sorry that he felt that way.

But I really wish they could approach us without involving our supervisor at first. This can also harm workplace morale as well.

I am deaf, but I can understand things, I have good grasp of english, and all sorts.

Why are they like this??????? I am fortunate that most co workers here at work are pretty cool and if they have some sort of issues with me, they can just tell me with no hard feelings. I like it that way, and I would prefer they be upfront with me. I can handle that better. If they handle it wrong way, such as going to boss, it will leave a bad taste for me.

As a result, I have kind of lost respect for him. :mad:


What are your experiences with hearies in a work place?
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Have you talked to your coworker about this? Did you address anything at all?

And next time if you have criticism or something, make sure it's constructive and neutral to make it sounds more professional. It's best to not use negative words.
 
How big is your company? Or how many employee are in your company? Secondly, how do you communicate with your co-worker, do you use your own voice to speak with them? I'm just being curious about it before I can go on.
 
I read and re-read your post a few times.

Based on my 24 years of working with idiotic co-workers, it sounds to me like 1) Your co-worker probably misunderstood what you were saying and wants to believe that you insulted him, and 2) your supervisor is exaggerating a little bit on what the co-worker actually said, and 3) this whole thing got blown out of proportion.

You are right, the co-worker should have approached you to clear up any misunderstanding, however, not many people are willing to communicate as professionals. It takes someone with integrity and a high level of professionalism to do that, and not many people have it. It is easier to run to the boss crying "He hurt me" than to go to to you and say "You hurt me".

I really can't say it happened because you are deaf, it sounds more like it happened because the co-worker is a coward and/or a whiny asshole. Every workplace has assholes, and we all encounter them. I've been backstabbed many times, and the only thing that actually works is when I go to the backstabber and say "we need to talk" and have a civil discussion. The backstabbing usually stops after that.

As Jiro said, talk in a very calm, professional manner, and keep your emotions under control.
 
pixiestix said:
Also there was a miscommunication because he thought I was calling him selfish and mean, which I NEVER DID, I never said he was selfish and mean, I also never used the word YOU, ever. I was saying in general, the dept., because of stupid coffee machine was for a certain dept (ours) only and it was in common area (kitchen) shared by several depts. I just didn't think it was fair to have a fancy coffee maker in common area. He emailed me saying he didnt appreciate me calling him names, and I did not notice that he cc'ed my boss until my boss emailed me asking what was that about? GRRRRRRR!!!!! I told him that I never called him names, and sorry that he felt that way.
?
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Was it his decision to have that coffee maker in the common area? Had he had just said something in favor of keeping that coffee maker only for departmental use?
Maybe he thought it was a nice idea for a reward or incentive for your department.
If he likes it that way, and then you said that not sharing the coffee machine was selfish and mean, that kind of is the same as calling him selfish and mean.

You don't have to say 'you' for your words to seem to be directed at a particular person.

I agree, it seems like he should have contacted you personally first, but how many people saw the message where you said this practice was selfish and mean? Maybe it was his idea and he thought you knew it, so if that email went to anybody but him, it looked to him like you were talking about him to other people the same way.
 
It was in writing.

NO, it was not offered by him. It was the executive's decision, but still I don't think that it's right to put it in the common areas, but oh well. I shouldn't have made a huge deal about it as I am not a coffee drinker, but com'on. Because other people from other depts were asking about it, as where to get coffee for the coffee maker (similar to kuerig kcups, but different brand)

When he emailed me telling me he didnt appreciate me calling him names which I didn't, but anyway, I did not notice that he had cc'ed my supervisor. After my supervisor emailed me, I then noticed that it was cc'ed to my supervisor then I went to him asking him why he involved my supervisor and he refused to answer me, saying let's drop it.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
 
I'm not getting all this coffee thing. Why would one person care who uses or doesn't use coffee machine??? If a person is obsessed with coffee machine, don't be surprised to see unemployment.
 
I cc my boss on everything because it is the right thing to do. I found out early when I started my career that some people need you to do that because they won't listen if you do not.

Although, this still does happen to me. A few weeks ago, I asked a co-worker for something and he went off about it. I told him, OK, if we can't handle this I'll send a mail in include my boss. The next day, I had everything I needed.

Don't take this personally, it is now things get done. Sadly, the workplace is not often more mature than kindergarten.

Trust me, nothing about work is personal. As you get older (and have been laid off a few times), you'll understand.
 
Yea, I am middle-aged, have been thru several lay offs, and I do understand. From the companies I have worked for, it's always expected that you try to resolve first before going to supervisor.

Just seems more common with deaf people. I have known a couple deaf friends that has gone thru the same thing, and they said the hearie's excuse is it takes tooooo long to talk to the deaf person so thought easier to talk to boss. Whatever!

Yup, I often say this is not (company's name) High School.
 
The point of this post, is why can't hearies be direct with us deafies, instead of involving a supervisor!

Altho my supervisor said I wasn't in trouble at all. She said that he just was very sensitive and took it personally! Ugh!

To add one more thing, I will not be speaking to him anymore, unless it s work related. I saw him around and didn't acknowledge him! Whenever people do this to me, I tend to lose respect for them. Very unfortunate
 
Well- I can tell you that its just a form of paranoia.

hearing people tends to dont want the responsibility of crossing the ethics issue line by just having a conversation and get fired. Also with their LACK of understanding of HOW the deaf culture can be, they just assume its all about them.

Even in a large company that employs the largest number of deaf/hoh, I can tell you its the same way there too. Don't worry, you are not alone. All you can do is take the ball in your court and go up to the offended person and apologize even if you didnt do anything wrong. Break that ice and clear it up with him that it was just a misunderstanding and try to see if you two can resolve it outside of HR dept. If not, then try to be the first one to inform your boss and HR dept and see if you can get an resolution.
 
Well, the work issue here is that someone is a whiny little baby who is seriously paranoid. I work with people like that. I think we all do. Experience with these folks teaches us to document EVERYTHING and to make sure we cover our own butts. Odds are your boss probably thinks this person is annoying too.

As for hearies not being direct? Well, when I started my current job, with a Deaf coworker, my signing skills were weak. I knew that he could understand me when I signed, but I was TERRIFIED that I wouldn't understand him. I got all butterflies in my stomach and felt all weak and jittery. Because I was imagining that he would sign something and I wouldn't understand and he'd have to repeat himself over and over and it would be uncomfortable and frustrating for him to try to communicate with me. It was actually more about ME than about him.

So my opinion is that of a total Pollyanna, and a really good person who is probably smarter than the average hearie about these things, but I would guess that lack of directness is really a fear of not understanding or being understood. It is easier to ignore things, or go to someone else. Not that you are viewed as incompetent (although there are many who have that view I'm sure) but I hope that it really is just not knowing HOW to approach you. I bet the sheet that cdmeggers above wrote about DID help with some of the employees. Just not the idiots. There is no help for them!
 
Before I lost my hearing I had a deaf coworker. Because my signing was limited to finger-spelling and basic greetings and she couldn't lipread very much, I e-mailed her when I had to talk to her. Similarly, she e-mailed everyone else, or wrote stuff down. I always smiled and waved and all that but if there was a conflict and I needed to clearly speak to her, e-mail was the way to go. Going to her office and poorly signing and speaking to her would have just frustrated both of us and embarrassing for ME, not her. It wasn't that I was afraid of her or uncomfortable, I just figured e-mail was simpler for her and would save me from making myself look like an ignorant fool if I tried to sign and she couldn't understand. One time I DID try to sign and speak to her and she got irritated and told me to just write it down, which made me feel like an idiot for even trying.

Now that I have significant hearing loss, I prefer people email me. If someone has a lot to say to me, a chat conversation, email or letter is the way to go. Otherwise I only pick up 10% of what is being said and can misunderstand people. I though my boss was telling me to place an inventory order the other day and only found out she was actually telling me that the office was getting new furniture and was just telling me because she was happy. I was embarrassed to e-mail with her and say "Hey, just double checking about our conversation earlier...you were telling me to do what exactly?" I could tell she was embarrassed too and felt silly that she had been talking to me for 30 min while I smiled and nodded and guessed every other word. Sometimes, email is just simpler.

I always CC my boss on every e-mail. In every company I have worked with, that was policy for any emails about conflict or issues that may need to be addressed by a third party. Even 'Hey Joe, please clean up after you eat in the lounge' had to be CC'd. That was just policy and I got chewed out many times for forgetting to CC my boss.

This guy just sounds like a brat but at the root of it, he is probably just afraid of making a faux pas while trying to talk to you.
 
Madseason said:
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I always CC my boss on every e-mail. In every company I have worked with, that was policy for any emails about conflict or issues that may need to be addressed by a third party. Even 'Hey Joe, please clean up after you eat in the lounge' had to be CC'd. That was just policy and I got chewed out many times for forgetting to CC my boss.

This guy just sounds like a brat but at the root of it, he is probably just afraid of making a faux pas while trying to talk to you.
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I'm so surprised that two of you said this... where I have worked, you always tried to work out anything controversial before you involved a supervisor via CC. People who CC'd bosses first were considered to be really horrible people. :hmm: Different jobs, different attitudes toward behavior. I hate corporate America.
 
Nobody talks to me casually either

At lunch time nobody says a word to me, despite us sitting in the same breakroom. I had a girlfriend that wouldn't talk to me either. I would pick her up from work every Friday and drive her to a store so she could do shopping (with her own money) or take her out for dinner and then home. I didn't hear which store she wanted to go to. I asked her to write it down. She said I was "acting stupid" I picked her up the next week, took her out for dinner and she refused to even say "hello" I told if she couldn't be nice to me I wouldn't pick her up anymore. A week later she stopped asking for a ride. No loss there.
 
Jiro said:
Have you talked to your coworker about this? Did you address anything at all?

And next time if you have criticism or something, make sure it's constructive and neutral to make it sounds more professional. It's best to not use negative words.
Click to expand...


Yes, i did ask him why did he involve my supervisor..and he refused to answer me that and said "lets drop it"
 
deafwelder said:
At lunch time nobody says a word to me, despite us sitting in the same breakroom. I had a girlfriend that wouldn't talk to me either. I would pick her up from work every Friday and drive her to a store so she could do shopping (with her own money) or take her out for dinner and then home. I didn't hear which store she wanted to go to. I asked her to write it down. She said I was "acting stupid" I picked her up the next week, took her out for dinner and she refused to even say "hello" I told if she couldn't be nice to me I wouldn't pick her up anymore. A week later she stopped asking for a ride. No loss there.
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:shock: ummm..are you even sure she was your girlfriend in the first place, dude? sounds like she was looking less for a relationship and more for free rides. you sound like a cab driver.
 
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