I'm letting my counselor know when I see him later today about things I've been thinking about and one of them was taking all 26 remaining zoloft at once. I'm done being the 'fighter' everyone says I am here, I'm a failure, half deaf cripple with no hope left in the world for a future.
I hope that your counselor can help you and set you in the right direction. The key is, you have to pay attention and give the counseling a chance. If you blow it off, then there will be no change.
I understand that your situation right now is terrible but you are young enough to live a whole other good life. There IS hope for the future but a better life normally doesn't happen overnight, and without some pain and struggle.
I hate pets so much and just want someone in my life. I haven't been able to get her out of my thoughts for a moment and it just hurts so much, combined with financial issues and other things, it's just too much for me.
If you don't like animals, then don't get them. It wouldn't fair to either of you. However, you should consider the fact that one reason you might be having trouble with relationships is because you don't come across as "lovable." A lovable person isn't someone who is desperately seeking love; a lovable person is someone who shows care and concern for others and their welfare. If you "hate pets," other people are probably picking up on that vibe. Not everyone should be a pet owner because it does take a commitment of time, money, resources and the right environment. But actually hating animals comes across as being mean, selfish, and hateful. I'm not saying that's what you are but that is how you could be perceived.
Since dwelling on this woman and your unrequited love is painful you should realize that you are feeding that pain by focusing on it. If you continue to obsess on her, it will only get worse. You need to focus your energy on getting yourself healthy (physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially). You cannot move into a healthy relationship until you yourself are healthy. A
healthy relationship requires two healthy (emotionally) people.
I do give up trying only to always inevitably fail. I don't care if my counselor has me put on watch or whatever, I have no care left. I just wish nothing but the worst for the world, I wish I could make it feel as it makes me feel.
Maybe some time in a safe environment with caregivers would be beneficial to you. You might need some time to be able to think without having to worry about your basic survival needs.
Hope he can help me figure things out or do something for me, I really do, but I doubt it because nobody can help me or at least nobody gives a crap to do such.
I, too, hope the counselor can help you. Give him a chance.
Other things on my mind is that I'm out to my parents and brother, but they refuse to call me by my legal name, they insist on calling me by my former name and using the wrong pronoun. They have more sympathy for my brother who was convicted as a sex offender than for my being trans.
I understand that your family dynamics are very complicated and not the white-picket-fence dream situation. That's very hard to deal with. However, even in the best family situations, I imagine that it takes time for parents to adjust to knowing the new child after knowing you by your birth name and sex for so many years.
One thing I'm not clear on. Have you made so much transition that it is easy to see that you look like a woman? That is, if your appearance is still ambiguous, it might be harder for others to identify that you have changed.