What are the pitfalls of being a deaf parent of hearing kids?

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rushabh

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Hello all,

I'm married to a hearing person and we don't have kids yet but we hope to have one soon. I am just wondering what are the pitfalls of being a deaf parent of hearing kids, beyond the normal parenting activities (diaper changes, potty training, etc).

For example, I have a pretty heavy deaf accent so I am sort of concerned that my hearing kid could get this accent from me. Also, how exactly do you teach your kid to speak to you in a way that you can understand? There must be a million of things that are different for a deaf parent than for a hearing parent but I just need to know the major pitfalls that I should be prepared for.

Also, what kind of impact will this have on the hearing parent? Will he/she have to bear more of the burden of raising kids? Any info is appreciated. Thanks.
 
I don't think you have that much to worry about. Hearing kids (assuming your future kids are hearing) will have the other parent to hear from and of course the larger world with normal hearing speaking people. They will realize quickly what "normal" speech is and handle your situation just fine. They probably will understand you much better (over time) than your spouse! :D

I can attest to that being a HOH (HA first now CI) parent with a hearing spouse. However, I'm not typical in the speech department as I speak pretty much like normal hearing people. Still, my kids know I can't hear like the regular hearing folks but recognize my limitations and can handle it just fine.

You probably want your kids to learn sign language (if you do sign) and learn to talk when you are facing them (not behind you) and other things. Actually, kids are a lot smarter than most people give them credit for and they will figure out of lot of the small things to assist you.

Ah, the impact on the hearing parent...I can say that is significant. My wife pretty much handles all the phone calls (especially the important ones) even though I can handle them better since I had my CI (but if it critical like the bills...you bet I rather have my wife handle that) ;) The hearing parent will have the burden of hearing every bit of the "banter" that goes on with kids and catching the arguments, the naughty words and so on. You will just have to be more "in tune" with what is going on to help your spouse out. It's funny now that I have my CI, I'm catching lots of that stuff (what they are saying) now and I can take help out my wife here.

There is more I can say but every situation is unique and one learns how to handle it.
 
Honestly, you do not need to worry too much.

We are very deaf parents of our 2 hearing children (12 & 9 years old). They sign very good like deaf. They understand both hearing & deaf worlds.

You should not change everything for your future children because they are hearing. Stay what you are & your wife or husband should also stay what he/she is. If she/he want to speak them... no problem... If you want to sign them... no problem because they will know who you both are.

We sign my children since they are babies. They learn from us automaic without teach them how to sign because they grew up to live with their deaf parents.

Social Welfare Service pay the child minder to train our children with speech development due our deafness accord German law twice to three time a week when they were toddlers.
 
I am fixing to be a single mom to two hearing boys who is 3 and 1, going on 4 and 2, they speak very well even I am profoundly deaf. Just exposure them to like daycare, friends, neighbors and families.

You will do just fine. ;)
 
coda

I'm deaf and my wife is HOH. we both speak and sign. but we live and follow Deaf way. My son is 5 and he is hearing. he speaks well and know a little sign. He shows a lot of deaf tendencies in the way he behaves. Because of that, he gets in trouble a lot in school for doing things that is "normal" for Deaf. I tried to explain to the teacher, but she doesn't seem to "get it". I thought of trying to find a book or something related or some kind of Coda list of tendencies...any advice out there??? I hate for my son to hate school cuz the teacher don't understand Coda's culture. any advice would be appreciated
 
he is loud voice, touchy to get attention, come across rude and mimic a lot with body language
 
anybody have advice? or a suggestion? is there somewhere I could get info on coda culture?
 
doc14845 said:
anybody have advice? or a suggestion? is there somewhere I could get info on coda culture?
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:wave: doc14845, I myself am a CODA, both my parent's are deaf. It is only natural for your child to mimic what you both do. This is his culture too. He is doing what comes naturally in his home. I did the same thing when I was young. I would go to school and start signing in class, puzzling the teacher, but, when I explained what I was doing, she understood and just told me that I only do signing at home because my classroom is filled with all hearing.
There is an organization and it's called "KODA" kids of deaf adults. You can go online and check it out. You can also try the Commission on the Deaf and Hard of Hearing in your state and also, the nearest school for the deaf, as they may some literature on children as KODA's.
My husband is profoundly deaf, and we raised 2 daughters that can hear, they both sign fluently, and we are now in the process of adopting an 8 year old deaf boy, who has been our foster son for 3 years.
I hope that you can find the information your looking for. It maybe a good idea to educate his teacher too, so she will understand clearly your son's background and cultures.
Good luck!!!
 
rushabh said:
Hello all,

I'm married to a hearing person and we don't have kids yet but we hope to have one soon. I am just wondering what are the pitfalls of being a deaf parent of hearing kids, beyond the normal parenting activities (diaper changes, potty training, etc).

For example, I have a pretty heavy deaf accent so I am sort of concerned that my hearing kid could get this accent from me. Also, how exactly do you teach your kid to speak to you in a way that you can understand? There must be a million of things that are different for a deaf parent than for a hearing parent but I just need to know the major pitfalls that I should be prepared for.

Also, what kind of impact will this have on the hearing parent? Will he/she have to bear more of the burden of raising kids? Any info is appreciated. Thanks.
Click to expand...
:wave: rushabh, I am hearing, my husband is deaf. We had 2 daughters who both are hearing. My husband had been a very good parent to our daughters, but, we both decided that when our daughters started talking that they would learn the sign for the words they spoke, this way they have both cultures under their belt. That is what we did, and it worked out beautifully. When they started talking more, I would sign to my husband what they were saying, so he would feel like he is part of the conversation too.
Although both my daughters knew their dad is deaf and couldn't hear, they were very curious on how he learned to talk. Whenever they learned a new word, my husband would put their hands on his face, he would say the word, and they felt the difference between their dad and mom's speech. We didn't have any problems at all when it came to raising our children. Now we are in the process of adopting our foster son, who we have had for 3 years, and is deaf. It has been a pretty tough road in the beginning, because he has ADHD, PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), no speech and no signing skills. We really had our work cut out for us. We worked with him both on signing and speech, and today he is doing very well in school. He is in a regular classroom, where before he was in a special needs classroom. He is getting speech 2 times a week, although his first language is ASL.
I know you won't really have anything to worry about and get all the information you can through your local deaf school, and state agencies that service deaf children's needs. Do the same for your hearing child too.
Good luck in your future.
 
doc14845 said:
he is loud voice, touchy to get attention, come across rude and mimic a lot with body language
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That is very common, my oldest son does that the same way. I was lucky those people understood how he was able to communicate. There is a book out to help teachers about deafness from parents or child. I will look up and see, I have it somewhere in the house, I have used it many times and people tell me that they did find it very helpful.

My son does show emotional, touchy, talks louder...ironic, teachers admit that my son is more brillant than other kids, and they are considering to move him to next level class in two months because he picks up so fast and very well. They want to wait when he turns 4 so he can enroll late 4-5's class.

You may need to talk to teachers or people that feel harrassed or by the behaviors of your son showing...you may need to sit down and talk or write them letter explaining how your child express. That way they will have better understanding of your child better.

I couldnt find it on amazon or barnes and noble and even borders.. hmm out of print? ill double check....
 
I find this fascinating because I'll have children one day, and they'll most likely to be hearing.

CODAchild, and other k/coda's out there: Were you made fun of by other kids or adults just beacuse your parents were deaf? What would you have wished for your deaf parent/s to have done to remedy the situation?
 
Only thing I can think I failed my kids when they were little kids, they were louder than average kids. They tend to get in trouble with people when they made too much noise. I have not taught them to be quiet.
 
thanks for info, will look into it. I would still welcome more advices and ideas...thanks everyone!
 
hey, do you remember the name of the book? maybe I can order it thru harris communication...
 
Here my little long experience...sorry little long

Me...I am hard of hearing. Wife is profoundly deaf. My parents are all hard of hearing..grandma deaf...I have strong deaf family. I grew up and follow deaf way even tho I am hard of hearing. I prefer to be called Deaf.

Anyways...I have 2 brothers who are 13 and 15 years younger than me and is hearing. (my mom remarried and is hoh/deaf as well as stepdad).

I have seen MANY MANY deaf parents with hearing kids. Not all of them were "good" parents. This is my opinion, and I am telling you to respect my opinion.
I have seen too many deaf parents depend HEAVILY on their hearing kids for normal every day issue/things like calling pizza..calling doctor...calling anything. Also seen parents use hearing kids to interpret at doctors...or whatever. Those CODAS usually at some point in their life, feel a burden on their shoulders and they move away from home at an early age and sever all ties with deaf parents for a while because of their HUGE responsibility. Some ( I say some..not all) of those CODAS do not like to be around deaf people because they have feeling that deaf will rely on them for whatever reason they need, and the CODAS will reject them.

I have seen a LOT of deaf parents with hearing kids who NEVER EVER involved their kids in every day issues that did not relate to the kids. Those parents used interpreters, phone relay, email...etc etc. Parents were totally independent and did not involve their kids in their adult business of ANY KIND. The CODA kids whose parents did that, I have seen grew up to be well respecting people and stay close to their parents because they did not have the responsibility like the other CODAS that I previously mentioned.

I saw a VERY WELL KNOWN deaf couple who have 3 hearing kids. They raised their hearing kids with strict hand, never involved kids in issues. Parents always used relay, interpreters or whatever and never involved kids at all..PERIOD. I see the CODAS now...WOW!! They easily pass as deaf people and have huge respect for deaf.

Now..my reason why I say some parents are not "good parents"...allow me to explain from my observation (watching). From my observation...CODA kids will be interpreting..or calling for their deaf parents...ok..fine...then the CODA kids get in trouble..or rude..or break law..or whatever...then parents threaten to punish the CODA kids or something. CODA kids easy way out of punishment how? CODA kids simple to say "ok fine..me not call / interpret for you any more!!" How you think deaf parents feel now? They feel like OUT!! WHAT DO? Need CODA kids call for parents. Ok ...give kids lighter punishment. You understand what I mean? Some CODA kids KNOW they can take advantage of their deaf parents because they have all smarts in their brain.

We have TECHNOLOGY now to have ANY/ AND OR ALL DEAF people to be VERY independent!! Seperate yourself from your kids as your personal interpreter!! USE the technology we have now. Let your CODA kids be KIDS! They need to be kids for 18 years of their life! If hearing people stubborn try to use your kids as interpreters..you need stand your FEET and DEMAND interpreter or use notepads or other way of communicating no matter what! DO NOT INVOLVE YOUR KIDS at all. I understand if emergency..must now have interpreter for serious thing, ok use CODA kids for SHORT time until certificate interpreter come, ok fine. No problem I see that.

When my wife and I have kids, and if they are hearing...we will have strict hand, and show them they are not different from us..but the same as us and every one else. We will teach them to respect people who are black, brown, white, tan, green. We will teach them that no one is better, or less. We all the same..PERIOD. We will let them be kids, and let them enjoy their childhood and keep our business out of their eyes. I am trying to teach my mom to break depend on my 2 brothers HEAVILY for communication. They soon graduate high school and both want go college FAR away. My mother and stepdad refuse to learn how to use technology to their advantage. So I back off..wait 2 brother graduate finish go. Then my mom and stepdad will hit in their face bad! What do communicate? How communicate? They will hit bam bottom hard. Since she my mother, I will be there for her to show her (again) how to be independent on her own with stepdad.

Now, that is my personal opinion. If you do not agree with my opinion, I apologize but that is the way I am.
 
Do not judge until you have walked a mile in their moccasins.

I think the ELDERLY deaf take more advantage of their hearing children than the younger adults do. I know many CODAS with elderly deaf parents who are stuck taking them to doctors appointments, etc. If the assistant living home takes them to the doctor, it costs more and most elderly deaf cannot afford this, so they depend on their adult children.
 
We do not use my son as interpretor..I do agree with you on how some parents used their kids too much..Fortunately I am able to read lips well enough that I can managed on my own, although I like using interpreters. It just that my son shows a strong deaf tendencies in his humor, and getting attention,( bang table, loud movements, touching people ) and have trouble controling his voice volume, and tone. hearing way is, it not what you say, but HOW you say it. in deaf, it's it not what you say, but what you MEAN ( concept)....so there a conflict right there. I'm trying to get his teacher to understand that.
 
Dodge Trucker said:
I have seen too many deaf parents depend HEAVILY on their hearing kids for normal every day issue/things like calling pizza..calling doctor...calling anything. Also seen parents use hearing kids to interpret at doctors...or whatever. Those CODAS usually at some point in their life, feel a burden on their shoulders and they move away from home at an early age and sever all ties with deaf parents for a while because of their HUGE responsibility. Some ( I say some..not all) of those CODAS do not like to be around deaf people because they have feeling that deaf will rely on them for whatever reason they need, and the CODAS will reject them.
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:confused: Why the parents use their hearing kids to interpret anything for them which they have VP, fax, email, etc. etc. then they can connect with anyone THEMSELVES instead of use hearing children... *shake the head*

I have seen a LOT of deaf parents with hearing kids who NEVER EVER involved their kids in every day issues that did not relate to the kids. Those parents used interpreters, phone relay, email...etc etc. Parents were totally independent and did not involve their kids in their adult business of ANY KIND. The CODA kids whose parents did that, I have seen grew up to be well respecting people and stay close to their parents because they did not have the responsibility like the other CODAS that I previously mentioned.
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I´m mother of 2 hearing sons. I do not see them as my interpeter because they are hearing. I own fax machine, email & mobile phone that I can connect anyone myself. I apply neutral interpreter myself, not use my children. My sons often loves to interpeter for us but I limit them that we want to use neutral interpreter for parent evenings, communicate with teacher, etc. etc. Sometimes they interpreter for me.. something like that when the phone call, my sons tell us what the phone says... I told them to tell them to fax me next time. I want to show my children that I am strong woman and can do EVERYTHING without their help.
Yes, I saw most parents use their children for interpreter... It´s very sad...

I saw a VERY WELL KNOWN deaf couple who have 3 hearing kids. They raised their hearing kids with strict hand, never involved kids in issues. Parents always used relay, interpreters or whatever and never involved kids at all..PERIOD. I see the CODAS now...WOW!! They easily pass as deaf people and have huge respect for deaf.
Click to expand...

Exactly what I did the same with my children.

Now..my reason why I say some parents are not "good parents"...allow me to explain from my observation (watching). From my observation...CODA kids will be interpreting..or calling for their deaf parents...ok..fine...then the CODA kids get in trouble..or rude..or break law..or whatever...then parents threaten to punish the CODA kids or something. CODA kids easy way out of punishment how? CODA kids simple to say "ok fine..me not call / interpret for you any more!!" How you think deaf parents feel now? They feel like OUT!! WHAT DO? Need CODA kids call for parents. Ok ...give kids lighter punishment. You understand what I mean? Some CODA kids KNOW they can take advantage of their deaf parents because they have all smarts in their brain.
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No Wonder, why the children use this to blackmail their parents. It´s parents´s fault. That´s why I never let my children do that but show them that I´m smart person and can do everything...

We have TECHNOLOGY now to have ANY/ AND OR ALL DEAF people to be VERY independent!! Seperate yourself from your kids as your personal interpreter!! USE the technology we have now. Let your CODA kids be KIDS! They need to be kids for 18 years of their life! If hearing people stubborn try to use your kids as interpreters..you need stand your FEET and DEMAND interpreter or use notepads or other way of communicating no matter what! DO NOT INVOLVE YOUR KIDS at all. I understand if emergency..must now have interpreter for serious thing, ok use CODA kids for SHORT time until certificate interpreter come, ok fine. No problem I see that.
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Exactly! Why we have technology for? Use them instead of use hearing children as interpreter. My children are my children, not my interpreter. My Dad told me at few weeks ago that he think its great that my children are hearing and can interprete for me when he call us on the phone. I rejected it and told him to fax me instead get them to interprete for me because my children are not my interpreter. He respect me. I told him that he can phone my children anytime what he like... not use them to interprete to me for him. He said if he would phone if theré´re any emergency. Emergency is okay.

Now, that is my personal opinion. If you do not agree with my opinion, I apologize but that is the way I am.
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No, you did nothing wrong to make your post here because I´m agree everything what you says.
 
I'm deaf myself and have a hearing daughter.. My daughter is very independent, she does her own things and acts for her age. I hardly need her for anything such as interpreting, calling around for me, etc.. But she likes helping me.. she loves to tell me what people say and stuff.. I told my daughter that she didn't have to do that but she insisted.. We've got a great bond...

I don't think deaf parents should be worried.. Its very natural to make things work and go with the flow....
 
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