Verbal Abuse: Is it a Problem for You in your Relationship?

javapride said:
yes ocean breeze we all deserves peace not having to have poeple continue to think abt the past all the time its unhealthy and no one can heal right talking abt it with therpaist is fine but to expose other's wrong doing is immature should leave personal issues off forums and what nots. we admit to our wrong doings but we find the tools not to do it again.

mine took me a yr to do this.... ...{edited}... :roll:
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but the scar can be permanent...
people will never forget some of the pain...
can't go around and hurt folks and
expect them to get over it, just like that.
just don't ever hurt people.
 
Liza said:
It becomes a new set of problems when the "blunt" partner introduces an element of control as an attempt to make this "sensitive" person a "slave" to his/her preceptions of what is right and what is wrong, and what should be done and what should be thought. Free will, personal desires, and hopes of this "sensitive" person is squelched, rather than accepted unconditionally by the SO/friend.
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True, it can become a problem WHEN the blunt partner is not willing to listen nor acknowledge the impact of his/her words on the sensitive partner. This is where communication comes in. Communicate all feelings in a calm manner and see where both sides are coming from with an open minded. The blunt partner can realise that his words can be stinging, so he either can reword the words in a way that it can be received better, or the sensitive partner can remember in his/her mind that his/her blunt partner is just that way and speak up when it stings or becomes a problem. Again, communication is very important, and one should not have to withhold any opinions or feelings about something. Anger just doesn't help anything.
 
kuifje75 said:
Anger just doesn't help anything.
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Anger just further drives a wedge between people. This applies to relationships, friendships and working with people. When one is angry, it is best not to use misdirected anger to the person you are talking to because the choice of words one chooses can be so damaging.
 
I have a question for you all. I am not sure if it is really verbal abuse or not but there has been a few instances where I dated a few men and they literally ran off, shutting me off while I tried to express my feelings. They did not attack me but rather fled, leaving me with no answers or closure.

Why do some people do that? Silence is not always golden...silence can be a form of punishment.

To this day, I loathe silent treatment. It speaks volume as much as hurtful words does too. If a guy refuse to talk to me for a day or week or forever, it is still as powerful as attacking me with words. I do understand some people need time to think before talking but surely there got to be a compromise between fleeing or attacking. Where is the middle ground?
 
Meg said:
I have a question for you all. I am not sure if it is really verbal abuse or not but there has been a few instances where I dated a few men and they literally ran off, shutting me off while I tried to express my feelings. They did not attack me but rather fled, leaving me with no answers or closure.

Why do some people do that? Silence is not always golden...silence can be a form of punishment.

To this day, I loathe silent treatment. It speaks volume as much as hurtful words does too. If a guy refuse to talk to me for a day or week or forever, it is still as powerful as attacking me with words. I do understand some people need time to think before talking but surely there got to be a compromise between fleeing or attacking. Where is the middle ground?
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Have you tried to step back from this and analyzed a little bit without any feelings being involved? Someone one can overanalyze a situation too much and overreact when it is nothing to worry about. It does help to have another perspective about how you feel or think. Granted, silence is not always golden but it does help in heated situations. Silence can be a form of punishment and further excaburates an argument. Remember, people do need their three feet space and this does apply to having their space to think/talk. I learned this myself and compromising is always the best. Coming to a middle ground through communication is vital. Does this reasonate with you? I'd love to have your feedback! :)
 
Meg said:
I have a question for you all. I am not sure if it is really verbal abuse or not but there has been a few instances where I dated a few men and they literally ran off, shutting me off while I tried to express my feelings. They did not attack me but rather fled, leaving me with no answers or closure.

Why do some people do that? Silence is not always golden...silence can be a form of punishment.

To this day, I loathe silent treatment. It speaks volume as much as hurtful words does too. If a guy refuse to talk to me for a day or week or forever, it is still as powerful as attacking me with words. I do understand some people need time to think before talking but surely there got to be a compromise between fleeing or attacking. Where is the middle ground?
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Meg, I like your spirit! I'm no expert.. so take my words with a grain of salt.

First, I think silent treatment can be part of verbal abuse if it is intended as a way to manipulate you into being more "agreeable" with whatever you don't like. Do you feel any of these guys want something from you, so they are trying to manipulate you into giving them what they want thru these silent treatments? It might be a different story if they really don't want anything from you, but what you also suggested? I think it lacks class on their parts to not be more communicative with you about what THEY need, even though they might not meant to hurt you. You're at a loss about it, and that makes it hard. Cookie Monster proposes another good point, too.

As for middle ground, I guess you could send them an email or note asking if it is possible to continue a conversation since you felt you were hitting it off?

I'm open to suggestions too! :)
 
This is a sticky issue. When relationships fail, people tell others about it. My comments are based on experience.

How would you like to be waken up at like 2 or 3 in the morning many times to hear a loud spiel from your wife? Shes always been complaining about something. If she wanted to complain, she should be compassionate enough to wait till me and my neighbors are awake before screaming at me about her mom, her dad, her brothers, even about her online 'friends', not being able to work, or whatever. She did this to me many times. And the screaming was good enough to bring in the cops over 2 times and I even taped one of these episodes with a hidden camcorder. And whenever I scold at her for screaming in the wee morning hours, she screams "abuse!, abuse!, abuse!" and runs and hides behind a feminist organization who believes everything she says.

What she done to me and my neighbors is verbal abuse. I'm now happy I dont have to experience it and use this to educate others.

Richard Roehm
 
Miss*Pinocchio said:
yeah my sister acted like she is so nice, and wanted people to think
I am mean and evil.

Jeff was like that, at Gallaudet...
Damn, people all think he is a wonderful guy...
but people think I am mean and evil...
but I was trying to tell them that
behind closed doors, he is an evil guy....
but nobody believed me...

Because he was goodlooking and I was ugly...
And people believed him, and not me.

It just made me so frustrated, that is why I explode like dynamite...
and having people see how evil I am, when really I ain't evil.

Just like at CSUN, my roommates think they are so innocent...
and want people to think they are innocent...
and even those guys who wanted to date me....
and they all think I am bad bad bad and evil....
They stole my bike and all...
When all I did was be on computer, internet, and be in room most of time and go classes....
And I just ruining my reputation by exploding and pull down fire alarm....
Giving my enemies the satisfaction.... "See, she is evil, I rest my case"

But I am just a funny, sweet, understanding, good listener, and can
be a good friend. But oh well, I will always be a bad bad bad person in anyone eyes. :roll:
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First of all, Never let anyone control your thought to believe you are evil...I know you are not evil person. I know you are hurting, confused and want to scream at the world to believe you are sweet, funny, etc...you cant make the world to like you.

These people were not your true friend. PERIOD! They are evil people, not you! I understand where you are coming from. I went through this situation before.

I dont care what my enemies think of me anymore...I just move on and be positive person. I used to think Im bad person in anyone's eyes...but it was the lie from the devil tricking me to believe that! We have to pray everyday and ask God to help us overcome negative thoughts...I will be praying for you. :)
 
Meg said:
Good thread, Liza.

It is still painful to discuss verbal abuse I encountered in a few relationships I had. Most men I dated did not dish out verbal abuse but a few did and that left permanent scars in my heart despite time/healing, etc.

For instance: I was with this man and he often told me that I have no friends and I was fat/ugly. Often he was invited to parties and would tell me " You shouldnt go to the party because no one likes you and you are better off staying home." I actually believed him and my self esteem really plunged. It is one of many examples and it took me 3 years to finally realized what he was doing. I finally left him but it took 2 another years to finally be FREE of him as he was stalking and harassing me as he couldnt believe that I actually had guts to leave him. Everyone especially my mother adored him. They thought he was just perfect for me. He wrote long pleading letters to my mother trying to win her over when I refused to see him. My mother did not understand why I didnt want to marry him, etc. He was very charming and calcuating and hid his abuse from others.

When we were alone, he was angry and blaming me for his problems. He lashed out on me for bringing up my insecurities, confusion, etc. Yet he made his love for me very public by buying me flowers, jewelry etc to make others believe that he was very good to me.

I could go on but I m sure that you get the gist.

Now I just run as fast as I can from these types of men. I can smell one a mile away and literally run.
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YES, it is very painful to discuss about verbal abuse...I was married to deaf man for 2 years and now been divorced for 3 years...he was charming, blah blah around everyone...but my family sensed something wrong about him..thank goodness!

My dad never liked him...which I just foundout recently! imagine it? :lol: anyway, my ex hubby is very good manipulative...he has influenced alot of deafies to be on his side! Yet, hes pedophile...and they all believe he is alright! He is very good liar...he has destroyed my reputation as well...put me through hell!!
 
This is very good thread! Can't deny there is no problem in verbal abuses. I think we all are not 100% understood the defination of verbal abuses. I regret that I had done major verbal abuse 5.5 years ago. It does make MAJOR impact on how I response to the problem. I think I had been over-reaction over silent-treatment. Personally, I hate people who run off from the problems. I would understand if one needs time out, and say so without closing her eyes. Even today is about 5.5 years old, and I have not spoke to this woman because she literally refused to talk with me. Shut on me completely, and I still have not had any clue to why she was so mad at me. Yes I regretted that I lost my temper, and now no longer tolerate any temper because of of what I had experienced with this person. However my biggest regret is that I did mess up with her families! My intention to mess up with her family is that I wanted her to forever hate me and don't want have anything to do with me. Actually it worked, but I realize that it is not good way to solve the problem because it STILL leaves alot mysteries left to be answered. I would love to talk with this person. I actually found where she moved, where she now live. I wasn't SO sure if it is worth try to talk with her or not. I don't want her to think I am stalking at her. I am at the point where I knew I can't have relationship with her (Not compatible), and that I already have my own girlfriend and kid, and pretty much settled in the opposite side of her coast.
What I believe is that it is NEVER good way to solve problem by running away, giving silent treatment. The best way to solve the problem is to face it with eyes or ears open, yet if one needs time out, just say so, and make sure the others are fully aware of it, and respect that request.
Name calling, blaming games is really considered as verbal abuses, and should never be tolerated.
Anyway, I am open for any suggestion to my 5.5 years old mystery.

Meg said:
I have a question for you all. I am not sure if it is really verbal abuse or not but there has been a few instances where I dated a few men and they literally ran off, shutting me off while I tried to express my feelings. They did not attack me but rather fled, leaving me with no answers or closure.

Why do some people do that? Silence is not always golden...silence can be a form of punishment.

To this day, I loathe silent treatment. It speaks volume as much as hurtful words does too. If a guy refuse to talk to me for a day or week or forever, it is still as powerful as attacking me with words. I do understand some people need time to think before talking but surely there got to be a compromise between fleeing or attacking. Where is the middle ground?
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I understood your point clearly, but not as clear as everybody wanted it to be. Sometimes women do have verbal abuses, even physical abuses toward to men! The worst part for women who abuses men is that men don't have any resources, nor have any assistance like female victms have. I have heard of story of some bitch who beats up guy, and guy had to run to the cop. Know what cop's response was? With laughing, said " can't you handle your own bitch yourself?".

I am not going to be in either sides. Because I know there is more frequent occurance that men DO abuse verbally and physcial than women do to men. Point here is that ANY FORM OF ABUSE, wheather its verbal or physical should NEVER be tolerated, regardless who started it.

Nesmuth said:
This is a sticky issue. When relationships fail, people tell others about it. My comments are based on experience.

How would you like to be waken up at like 2 or 3 in the morning many times to hear a loud spiel from your wife? Shes always been complaining about something. If she wanted to complain, she should be compassionate enough to wait till me and my neighbors are awake before screaming at me about her mom, her dad, her brothers, even about her online 'friends', not being able to work, or whatever. She did this to me many times. And the screaming was good enough to bring in the cops over 2 times and I even taped one of these episodes with a hidden camcorder. And whenever I scold at her for screaming in the wee morning hours, she screams "abuse!, abuse!, abuse!" and runs and hides behind a feminist organization who believes everything she says.

What she done to me and my neighbors is verbal abuse. I'm now happy I dont have to experience it and use this to educate others.

Richard Roehm
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diehardbiker65 said:
Did I offend anyone? Why did this discussion gone into silent treatment?
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No...to be honest, Ive been thinking a lot about this thread lately. It is hard to put this into words at times.
 
diehardbiker65 said:
Did I offend anyone? Why did this discussion gone into silent treatment?
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You haven't offended me, heck I love controversy!

If you will read my posts about verbal abuse, female abuse towards males aren't readily recognised because most males aren't ready to come forward and report it. It is because of society's stigma towards males that reports domestic abuse. Males are so afraid to be viewed as weaklings in society's eyes. Heck, even a 6'3 muscular man can be physically and verbally abused by his 5'1 uber-skinny wife! He is not going to report it because he is afraid to see the faces of society and hear the mocking.. "OMG, he could have easily lifted her and stopped her so quickly!" They don't realise that abuse is over a period of time and it gets to your mind. Your abuser breaks you down.
 
Cookie Monster said:
You haven't offended me, heck I love controversy!

If you will read my posts about verbal abuse, female abuse towards males aren't readily recognised because most males aren't ready to come forward and report it. It is because of society's stigma towards males that reports domestic abuse. Males are so afraid to be viewed as weaklings in society's eyes. Heck, even a 6'3 muscular man can be physically and verbally abused by his 5'1 uber-skinny wife! He is not going to report it because he is afraid to see the faces of society and hear the mocking.. "OMG, he could have easily lifted her and stopped her so quickly!" They don't realise that abuse is over a period of time and it gets to your mind. Your abuser breaks you down.
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I hear you. I am sure that more men are unwilling to talk about it than women. However, there are a lot of women suffering from abuse too and wont talk about it. Even if we talk about it, we sometimes get labeled as drama queens or being too sensitive and need to develop a thicker skin or get the hell out of there. But it is not always easy to get out of there quickly due to presence of children, finances, places to live, etc.

I can make a bet that there are a few women here on AD unwilling to talk about it.I only shared my stories here in hopes that someone will recognize what I went through and know that she is not alone.

I personally believe that the only way someone can really heal and talk about it is when one finally hits rock bottom and has nowhere to go but go UP. When one hits rock bottom, it is when one gathers strength and start the healing process. I wish that it doesnt have to happen but for most cases, it happens as denial ("I know he was mean to me last night but you have to understand that he was hurt as a child and it is only way he knows how to show love", etc) plays a role in it too. Or bargaining too. " If I clean up this house everyday, he wont get mad at me." or "If I lose 10 lbs, Im sure he will stop calling me fat names" etc.
 
I used to date a deaf guy for 4 years. At first, he was sweet. Somehow he changed into monster. He started saying hateful things to me for no reason. After he calmed down, he told me how sorry he was and I forgave him. He started hitting me for no reason. He thought it was fun to do that. He gave me a few scars on my body. I told him we cant be together anymore. I was so happy when I left him. Women, if your husband or boyfriend starts doing this, please leave. After I broke up with him, I found a very good man who treated me so good and we got married. We have a daughter together. My husband accepted the way I am (I am bound to wheelchair).
 
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