Trying to find the best situation for my daughter

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Deborah

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Searching for answers for HOH teenage daughter. Hearing aids work great for her--she loves them and hears well with them. She speaks very well. BUT--she also has a learning disability and is struggling academically. PLUS, she is really wanting to meet other teens "like her"--whatever that means. There aren't many people "like her"--not Deaf, not "perfectly hearing", not an honor student like some of the other "oral kids" we hear about. She has always gone to public school and is the only person with a hearing loss there. Critical years are ahead regarding social life. She keeps asking about "deaf high school"--she has her own ideas about what that would be like. She wants to learn ASL, not because she needs it, but to socialize with others in the Deaf community. Will she be rejected at a "deaf high school" because she is oral? She is who she should be--she wears her hearing aids and listens and speaks. But she still feels "different." Does she fit in anywhere? She is a very sweet girl--I hate to see her suffering in any way. I want to find the BEST situation for her during these critical years. Any suggestions? She just wants to "fit in" like all teenagers want to do.
 
I know I fell into that trap when I was in the Deaf school. I thought constantly there must be so much more that I am missing. Not to say that I didn't appreicate my Deaf friends, I loved them. But some how I felt that the world had more to offer than I was getting in the school system (socially anyways). Well it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was mainstreamed into the regular school system I longed for my secure relationships with my Deaf friends. It ripped the very foundation that I had been built upon.

Fast foward - I went to a regular school (highschool)
It was even more tough. LST's, support workers for an IEP students just don't understand it's not a self esteem issue it's a hearing issue.

However Deaf Ed is lower than the provincial standards in the cirrculium. But if I had to chose. I would pick her wellbeing over her education. Because in the end if she does NOT have a good solid environment (support, friends, etc). She won't have the confidence to suceed.

JMO. RG
 
The deaf school in Maryland uses the public school curriculm so the standards are the same as the public schools in Maryland.

What your daughter is going through is what I went through growing up...I never went to a deaf school and sometimes I wonder if my life would have been different if I had gone. Would I have none of the emotional baggage I had to deal with in my 20s? Would I be more confident and be able to stand up for myself? I feel I probably would cuz I was always disregarded as someone who doesnt know enough growing up and that hurted my self-esteem. After going to Gallaudet University, my self-esteem is a lot better now and I am so happy I learned ASL and went to Gallaudet University. Now, I am in a signing environment about 99% of the time through my friends, job, and family. It is great!!!

That age is a very tough age especially when you are "different" from your peers...I would never ever want to repeat my middle school years. They were too awful. The kids were very very cruel to me just because I couldnt hear. Looking back, I realize that those kids are the ones who had no self-esteem and picked on me to make themselves feel better. If I knew that back then, I would have laughed at their faces.

Good luck with everything. Feel free to ask questions here. :)
 
Looking into Deaf High Schools

Based on web sites alone, some of the state schools impressed me, and some did not. At this point, I would be willing to move ANYWHERE if it meant finding the best place for my daughter to further her education. But what REALLY impressed me was MSSD--the high school at Galludet. It really does look awesome! The performing arts program is very impressive! Here's the situation: I don't think my daughter would feel confident in a regular high school--I don't think she would try out for band, cheerleader, sports, or anything else in a big public school. Then I see the girls at MSSD--the cheerleaders, the dancers, the actors--all deaf and all seem very confident! I wonder if my daughter would feel more confident in that kind of environment--would she try out for things and not feel that she stands out as "different" or "the deaf girl"? Is that the key to unlocking her true potential? I am beginning to wonder. Would my outgoing daughter shine if she felt comfortable among her peers? Does anyone have input about particular state schools or MSSD?
 
Deborah, it sounds like a campus visit is in order. You can get a much more intimate feeling of MSSD if you and your daughter could see everything with your own eyes and play the 20 questions with everyone. :)
 
me_punctured said:
Deborah, it sounds like a campus visit is in order. You can get a much more intimate feeling of MSSD if you and your daughter could see everything with your own eyes and play the 20 questions with everyone. :)
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Yea I agree with u. Need to visit the schools to make sure it feels right for both your and your daughter.

I applaud you for taking the time and sacrifices u are willing to make sure that your daughter grow and flourish to her full potential. That is awesome!!! Only a few parents are like you..I can see that here with Lillysdad and a few others. I wish my parents would be like that but they werent educated about all these issues. The doctors and specialists told them only one approach was the best approach. :(
 
There aren't many people "like her"--not Deaf, not "perfectly hearing", not an honor student like some of the other "oral kids" we hear about.
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Doesn't it seem like a lot of the AG Bell kids are kind of stereotypical honors students......like they are really acheiving even for hearing kids?
She has always gone to public school and is the only person with a hearing loss there. Critical years are ahead regarding social life.
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UGH! I wish so badly that the experts did not push total and complete inclusion as always the Perfect Solution to the education dilemenia (sp?)
Jr high and high school can be misrable even for hearing kids. Also, a lot of public schools still can't provide the nessary accomondations for a real IEP. Usually the IEPs are just totally generic....like they assume if a kid made honor roll with minmal accomondations, ALL kids with that particualr disablity just need minmal accomondations, otherwise they are just dumbass slackers...:pissed:

She keeps asking about "deaf high school"--she has her own ideas about what that would be like. She wants to learn ASL, not because she needs it, but to socialize with others in the Deaf community. Will she be rejected at a "deaf high school" because she is oral?
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Well, an idear might be to check around and look at the various and sundry educational options available. Split placements might be a good idear...like if she has some good "on par with grade level" strenghs, she could attend classes at a deaf school/program, and then some other classes at a mainstream school.
I know Western PA School for the Deaf is supposed to be really good, TLC in Mass, Austine in Vermont, the California Schools for the Deaf, Utah School for the Deaf (one of my friends is sending her daughter there even though Kaitlyn is only hoh) Florida School for the Deaf and Blind....maybe some others.
One thing you might want to look into are deaf high schools with vocational programs. Your daughter might not be able to go to college or want to go to college. In that case, she'd be getting work training skills so that she could become a skilled worker.
I would strongly suggest joining the American Society for Deaf Children.
http://www.deafchildren.org/....It supports sign and speech, and can help out with advice about educational placements and things like that. It does tend to have a lot more average acheiver type kids affliated with it.
Also join the Parent Deaf-hh listserv. It's amazing....the people on the list can help you SO MUCH! Archives of PARENTDEAF-HH@LISTSERV.KENT.EDU
Maybe you and your daughter can start researching and *trying out* schools .
Summer programs are awesome to learn ASL at......maybe she could go to that teen program at Gally this summer for oral kids to learn Sign! Lemme see if I can't find the linky link for you..........I gotta run........time for LOBSTER!!!!!!
 
I've been there, done that. It's no fun being transfer from deaf school to regular public school. My parents had me transfer from deaf to public at the age 8. During growing up thru elementary and Junior high was horrible. They make fun of me the way I talk. Now, I talk better but still having a hard time saying some words. It took me 18 yrs of speech therapist, starting at age 3 thru 18 the day I graduated from High school. I'm sure there are someone who would like to talk to her. She's not alone in this world.
 
Please keep in mind that there is so much more involved in education that simply looking ar academic records. While this is important, indeed, socialization and healthy identity formation are just as important. The kid who is feeling isolated and left out will be angry and frustrated, and unable to put forth the effort required by academics.
 
good point jillo....i really think if i'd been properly served in school, then I could have made better grades and gone to somewhere much better then crappy ol' state school.
 
It definitely sounds like your daughter would enjoy going to a deaf high school, it sounds right for her. I have friends that worked for MSD (Maryland School for the Deaf) and they really do have a great program there. There is also MSSD of course, and CSDF (Fremont) is quite good as well.
No matter what school you two decide she will go to, why not go ahead and start learning sign now? Not just her, but your family. You would be surprised at how much it can help your seemingly good communication become eve, better, and it will make her a lot more confident going into the deaf community whenever she does. Good luck! Thank you for caring so much about your daughter!
 
I'm profoundly deaf and was raised in mainstreamed. I had the best school with the Special Education program throughout elementary, middle and high school. there were interpreters in every classes I went, I had tutors and study hall to focus on my work. I understand your daughter is feeling "different" because I'm that way and still do. Your daughter is going to always feel different. The best thing to do is for her to participate in sports, drama, etc.. she'll be more happier. MSSD is probably another good consideration to look at. Maybe its best you and your daughter go on a tour and see if your daughter would be more comfortable there.

I'm oral myself and I wasn't doing ASL. I went to Gallaudet in 96 and most of them didn't care to be my friend because I was oral. I tried to stay involve and learn ASL. When I left Gallaudet, I became ASL and oral and I love it. I have tons of friends and I like my lifestyle the way it is now.

If you could, you could try calling the board of education in your state and ask about the special education program for the deaf, they might can give you informations and how many deaf teens are there etc.
 
deafdyke said:
good point jillo....i really think if i'd been properly served in school, then I could have made better grades and gone to somewhere much better then crappy ol' state school.
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I have no doubt of that. A student can't focus when they spend their time worrying about how to fit in and where they belong.
 
jillio said:
I have no doubt of that. A student can't focus when they spend their time worrying about how to fit in and where they belong.
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That's the reason why Gally has low graduation rates. The students there spend more time worrying about their status quo than learning their beans.

Richard
 
Nesmuth said:
That's the reason why Gally has low graduation rates. The students there spend more time worrying about their status quo than learning their beans.

Richard
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I have to say that it is true.

I was at Gally in 1997 for a summer program, and, half the students in my group were RUDE...they were all ASLers. The non-ASLers were the ones that welcomed me and acknockledged me and were very nice and fun. The ASLers were all bitches and assholes. I had the most fun with the non-ASLers, even though they were all oral. But after I left, I knew I wasn't coming back, that it wasn't the right school for me.
 
LuciaDisturbed said:
I have to say that it is true.

I was at Gally in 1997 for a summer program, and, half the students in my group were RUDE...they were all ASLers. The non-ASLers were the ones that welcomed me and acknockledged me and were very nice and fun. The ASLers were all bitches and assholes. I had the most fun with the non-ASLers, even though they were all oral. But after I left, I knew I wasn't coming back, that it wasn't the right school for me.
Click to expand...

I went thru the same thing at Gallaudet which is why many of my friends are deaf people who grew up mainstreamed learning ASL later.

Anyways as for not being able to focus on school due to worrying about not fitting in is kinda far-fetched for college students and if some Gallaudet students use that excuse for not doing well in school, then they probably werent ready for college yet.
 
Thanks for your responses! :)

It is really a tough decision--not only finding the right educational resources for my daughter, but meeting the needs of other family members as well. I have a son two years older than her, and I am trying to find the best answer for BOTH of them.

We haven't been able to travel personally to any schools yet--will try to see some in the spring. We have done a lot of research on line, though. My daughter has shown some interest in some of the programs and activities--she was especially impressed with the drama program at MSSD. She still says she might feel more comfortable watching than participating, but I think once she truly feels comfortable and "in her element" that she will begin to get more involved.

One thing that is really tough on me--she looked at some of the information about residential school, dorms, etc. I tried to keep my feelings and opinions to myself as she looked at the information. But inside, my heart was breaking at the thought of her going away to school for high school--college, yes, but high school? OMG--how does a parent handle that? I don't know if I could let her go that soon! I understand the peer interaction and environment benefits, but sending a young teen away and not having them live at home? I mean, besides deaf schools and boarding schools for the rich, who does that? I cannot imagine not having her live in my house during the high school years! She didn't seem adamant about that--just looked at it with some interest. I am leaning more toward finding a good school and moving the family to the same city--but it isn't always easy finding jobs and schools for everyone else. Oh, this is so tough--making the right decisions and finding the right answers for everyone in the family!

OK--reality check. Up until now, I think we have followed a fairly "normal" life pattern--meaning we had two kids about two years apart and have lived a fairly average middle class life. We moved our whole family a few times to get closer to better resources for our daughter, but everything always worked out for the rest of us, too. We started with young kids in Alabama, daughter was diagnosed and we moved to St. Louis for her preschool years--she did preschool at St. Joseph's, my son started elementary school in a good public school there, my husband got a job transfer and was doing well there, and I was a SAHM there. For her elementary/middle school years, we moved to the Atlanta area--husband got a promotion and his career soared, I returned to school and am almost finished with my Masters Degree, and the kids both went to the same elementary and middle school--my daughter continued auditory-verbal therapy for a while, then used resources in the public school system beginning in 2nd grade.

I thought things were going fine--we were living an "average middle class suburban life"--know what I mean? Our life felt "normal"--whatever normal is. As far as my daughter's progress and services received, some years I felt pretty good about things, other years I began to think she needed something different. Academically, her learning disability seemed to be her biggest challenge--sometimes it seemed she was getting frustrated and not feeling confident, other times it seemed that things were too easy and she was not being challenged to her best ability. Now that she is older, I just don't know what the best answer is for her academically--I want her to be challenged AND encouraged to reach her fullest potential without things being either "over her head" OR "way beneath her ability." Finding the right answer for her is REALLY tough!

Socially--it's hard to describe her social skills and life. In some ways, she is the MOST friendly and MOST outgoing person in the family! She talks to EVERYONE and she is always introducing ME to people---I am the shy one in some situations and SHE goes out into the world and gets to know as many people as possible. However, there is a difference between talking to people and making acquaintances and really getting to know people. I have seen her deal with some tough social situations--she has had her heart broken many times by kids who did not accept her or looked down on her in some way. She has come home crying many times---feeling rejected or left out in some way. Basically, she has a few acquaintances/friends that occasionally hang out with her, but things are changing now that they are older. You know that movie Mean Girls?--well, the dynamics of teen girls in today's society are very similar. Let's face it--everyone gets a label, and they often label themselves. You know: the band geek, the free-spirited artist, the goth kids, the jocks, the cheerleaders, the nerds, etc. My daughter has labeled herself: "the deaf girl." She doesn't know any other "deaf girls"--she feels all alone. She won't even consider joining other groups--wouldn't try out for band even though she LOVES music, wouldn't try out for cheerleading because she didn't want people "looking at her"--she is just not feeling confident in the larger social world anymore. The little talkative girl is turning into a more quiet and withdrawn teen. She is scared of being singled out in some way--her greatest fear is to think others are laughing at her in some way. Yes, some of this is normal teen angst--but she is having trouble finding "her group". Right now, she is kind of a loner--she reaches out to other girls but often gets rejected--or worse, simply ignored and left out. This is the age where girls normally hang out for hours and talk about everything--have lots of sleepovers, go lots of places together,etc. This isn't happening for her. I remember how important having a best friend was at this age--she really doesn't have one. I honestly feel that she is missing out on an integral part of growing up--finding her place socially is very important to her overall development.

So this is where we are now--whatever worked in the past is not working any more--changes need to be made. Our "normal life"--and honestly, maybe a bit of denial going on here, too--just doesn't seem to be the right answer anymore. I DO see this going on a lot among "oral deaf"/AG Bell/hearing families with deaf or h of h children/teens--this kind of denial in a way. We were convinced that once my daughter could hear and speak, everything would be "normal"--know what I mean? In some ways, when she was younger, it was--but in some ways we just THOUGHT it was. I'm being very honest here so bear with me. I never forgot that she had a hearing loss, but in some ways it really didn't seem to matter a lot--she wore her hearing aids, seemed to hear almost everything (I can be downstairs in the kitchen and call her to dinner while she is upstairs--we can talk through closed doors--there just aren't many cases when her hearing loss comes up in daily interaction). As far as speech--for the most part, she speaks very well and everyone seems to understand her--sometimes she may mispronounce something or use the wrong word (seems to have trouble reversing things like late/early or me either/me too)--subtle differences that seem more like a language issue than a hearing/speech issue. The denial comes in here--things seemed "normal" therefore they must be--but I guess they weren't really.

As far as turning to others for support, or having others to bounce off these kinds of questions and concerns--there were some in the younger years but not so much anymore. To be honest--the support we got back then was: let's get our kids hearing and speaking, then let's get them out into the real world--we need each other through these early years, but we won't need each other when our kids are "fully integrated". When the subject comes up, the answer is usually something along the lines of: why would OUR kids need to know other deaf kids?--they will fit in just fine with the hearing world because they CAN hear and speak. But I am beginning to see the downside of this attitude--ESPECIALLY with adolescents!! The storyline I keep hearing is about: well-adjusted teens who fit in just fine--honor students--keeping up with the mainstream--yada yada yada. Apparently no one else's teenagers are having trouble fitting in--yeah, right! I just don't believe that my daughter is the rare case---maybe her learning disability is what is keeping her from being an honor student. But focusing on the social issues--the way teens categorize and label each other, I just have a hard time believing that the majority of oral deaf teens fit right in without major issues. I am beginning to see the major downfall of that mindset.

So where does that leave us now? Feeling very isolated and alone, honestly. We don't know other families in our particular circumstances--my daughter doesn't know other teens who feel the way she does. I am thinking that the place to find this kind of support is to look at what I guess I have been told is "the other side"--the Deaf world. Sadly, I'm just not feeling the support from the oral side--biannual conventions just aren't enough of a social support system. We need much more than that--and my daughter certainly cannot become close friends with teens that she may see once every two years but lives far away from them. However, I don't know how well we would fit into the Deaf community either--we are a hearing family, my daughter hears and speaks. Even if we learn ASL, won't we be considered outsiders? Aren't there groups that fit in BOTH worlds? Where do people from hearing families who have a hearing loss but hear and speak fit in? Must they live in isolation forever?

I am willing to go wherever I need to go to find the right place for us--I really want to find the BEST place for my daughter and include our family as well. I want to find the place that meets ALL of our needs. I finally realize that living "a normal life" may not be the best way--at least not at this life stage. We cannot continue to deny the fact that things ARE different--she may hear and speak, but she is still "hard of hearing"--she really doesn't fit the "Deaf" criteria--she is NOT profoundly deaf. I just don't think that staying where we are and letting her continue to go to regular public school with special education resources is the answer anymore. It just doesn't seem to be the best thing for her either academically OR socially. Part of me wonders if the residential school option is for her--but part of me says NO WAY--she is my daughter and I am NOT sending her away--not until she is 18 at least. BUt I am trying not to have such a closed mind about the options--I am trying to look at ALL of the possibilities.

God, this is perhaps the hardest decision we've ever had to make--moving to get her to an oral preschool was tough, moving again to get her auditory-verbal therapy and mainstream was also tough, but now moving again to get her in the best situation for her high school years--it seems to be the toughest decision of all. And making sure that our son also gets into the best high school for him is just as important! Add to that, where could my husband and I both establish successful careers? I LOVE being a mother, but these are tough times--I hope we make the right decisions for everyone!
 
Deborah said:
It is really a tough decision--not only finding the right educational resources for my daughter, but meeting the needs of other family members as well. I have a son two years older than her, and I am trying to find the best answer for BOTH of them.

We haven't been able to travel personally to any schools yet--will try to see some in the spring. We have done a lot of research on line, though. My daughter has shown some interest in some of the programs and activities--she was especially impressed with the drama program at MSSD. She still says she might feel more comfortable watching than participating, but I think once she truly feels comfortable and "in her element" that she will begin to get more involved.

One thing that is really tough on me--she looked at some of the information about residential school, dorms, etc. I tried to keep my feelings and opinions to myself as she looked at the information. But inside, my heart was breaking at the thought of her going away to school for high school--college, yes, but high school? OMG--how does a parent handle that? I don't know if I could let her go that soon! I understand the peer interaction and environment benefits, but sending a young teen away and not having them live at home? I mean, besides deaf schools and boarding schools for the rich, who does that? I cannot imagine not having her live in my house during the high school years! She didn't seem adamant about that--just looked at it with some interest. I am leaning more toward finding a good school and moving the family to the same city--but it isn't always easy finding jobs and schools for everyone else. Oh, this is so tough--making the right decisions and finding the right answers for everyone in the family!

OK--reality check. Up until now, I think we have followed a fairly "normal" life pattern--meaning we had two kids about two years apart and have lived a fairly average middle class life. We moved our whole family a few times to get closer to better resources for our daughter, but everything always worked out for the rest of us, too. We started with young kids in Alabama, daughter was diagnosed and we moved to St. Louis for her preschool years--she did preschool at St. Joseph's, my son started elementary school in a good public school there, my husband got a job transfer and was doing well there, and I was a SAHM there. For her elementary/middle school years, we moved to the Atlanta area--husband got a promotion and his career soared, I returned to school and am almost finished with my Masters Degree, and the kids both went to the same elementary and middle school--my daughter continued auditory-verbal therapy for a while, then used resources in the public school system beginning in 2nd grade.

I thought things were going fine--we were living an "average middle class suburban life"--know what I mean? Our life felt "normal"--whatever normal is. As far as my daughter's progress and services received, some years I felt pretty good about things, other years I began to think she needed something different. Academically, her learning disability seemed to be her biggest challenge--sometimes it seemed she was getting frustrated and not feeling confident, other times it seemed that things were too easy and she was not being challenged to her best ability. Now that she is older, I just don't know what the best answer is for her academically--I want her to be challenged AND encouraged to reach her fullest potential without things being either "over her head" OR "way beneath her ability." Finding the right answer for her is REALLY tough!

Socially--it's hard to describe her social skills and life. In some ways, she is the MOST friendly and MOST outgoing person in the family! She talks to EVERYONE and she is always introducing ME to people---I am the shy one in some situations and SHE goes out into the world and gets to know as many people as possible. However, there is a difference between talking to people and making acquaintances and really getting to know people. I have seen her deal with some tough social situations--she has had her heart broken many times by kids who did not accept her or looked down on her in some way. She has come home crying many times---feeling rejected or left out in some way. Basically, she has a few acquaintances/friends that occasionally hang out with her, but things are changing now that they are older. You know that movie Mean Girls?--well, the dynamics of teen girls in today's society are very similar. Let's face it--everyone gets a label, and they often label themselves. You know: the band geek, the free-spirited artist, the goth kids, the jocks, the cheerleaders, the nerds, etc. My daughter has labeled herself: "the deaf girl." She doesn't know any other "deaf girls"--she feels all alone. She won't even consider joining other groups--wouldn't try out for band even though she LOVES music, wouldn't try out for cheerleading because she didn't want people "looking at her"--she is just not feeling confident in the larger social world anymore. The little talkative girl is turning into a more quiet and withdrawn teen. She is scared of being singled out in some way--her greatest fear is to think others are laughing at her in some way. Yes, some of this is normal teen angst--but she is having trouble finding "her group". Right now, she is kind of a loner--she reaches out to other girls but often gets rejected--or worse, simply ignored and left out. This is the age where girls normally hang out for hours and talk about everything--have lots of sleepovers, go lots of places together,etc. This isn't happening for her. I remember how important having a best friend was at this age--she really doesn't have one. I honestly feel that she is missing out on an integral part of growing up--finding her place socially is very important to her overall development.

So this is where we are now--whatever worked in the past is not working any more--changes need to be made. Our "normal life"--and honestly, maybe a bit of denial going on here, too--just doesn't seem to be the right answer anymore. I DO see this going on a lot among "oral deaf"/AG Bell/hearing families with deaf or h of h children/teens--this kind of denial in a way. We were convinced that once my daughter could hear and speak, everything would be "normal"--know what I mean? In some ways, when she was younger, it was--but in some ways we just THOUGHT it was. I'm being very honest here so bear with me. I never forgot that she had a hearing loss, but in some ways it really didn't seem to matter a lot--she wore her hearing aids, seemed to hear almost everything (I can be downstairs in the kitchen and call her to dinner while she is upstairs--we can talk through closed doors--there just aren't many cases when her hearing loss comes up in daily interaction). As far as speech--for the most part, she speaks very well and everyone seems to understand her--sometimes she may mispronounce something or use the wrong word (seems to have trouble reversing things like late/early or me either/me too)--subtle differences that seem more like a language issue than a hearing/speech issue. The denial comes in here--things seemed "normal" therefore they must be--but I guess they weren't really.

As far as turning to others for support, or having others to bounce off these kinds of questions and concerns--there were some in the younger years but not so much anymore. To be honest--the support we got back then was: let's get our kids hearing and speaking, then let's get them out into the real world--we need each other through these early years, but we won't need each other when our kids are "fully integrated". When the subject comes up, the answer is usually something along the lines of: why would OUR kids need to know other deaf kids?--they will fit in just fine with the hearing world because they CAN hear and speak. But I am beginning to see the downside of this attitude--ESPECIALLY with adolescents!! The storyline I keep hearing is about: well-adjusted teens who fit in just fine--honor students--keeping up with the mainstream--yada yada yada. Apparently no one else's teenagers are having trouble fitting in--yeah, right! I just don't believe that my daughter is the rare case---maybe her learning disability is what is keeping her from being an honor student. But focusing on the social issues--the way teens categorize and label each other, I just have a hard time believing that the majority of oral deaf teens fit right in without major issues. I am beginning to see the major downfall of that mindset.

So where does that leave us now? Feeling very isolated and alone, honestly. We don't know other families in our particular circumstances--my daughter doesn't know other teens who feel the way she does. I am thinking that the place to find this kind of support is to look at what I guess I have been told is "the other side"--the Deaf world. Sadly, I'm just not feeling the support from the oral side--biannual conventions just aren't enough of a social support system. We need much more than that--and my daughter certainly cannot become close friends with teens that she may see once every two years but lives far away from them. However, I don't know how well we would fit into the Deaf community either--we are a hearing family, my daughter hears and speaks. Even if we learn ASL, won't we be considered outsiders? Aren't there groups that fit in BOTH worlds? Where do people from hearing families who have a hearing loss but hear and speak fit in? Must they live in isolation forever?

I am willing to go wherever I need to go to find the right place for us--I really want to find the BEST place for my daughter and include our family as well. I want to find the place that meets ALL of our needs. I finally realize that living "a normal life" may not be the best way--at least not at this life stage. We cannot continue to deny the fact that things ARE different--she may hear and speak, but she is still "hard of hearing"--she really doesn't fit the "Deaf" criteria--she is NOT profoundly deaf. I just don't think that staying where we are and letting her continue to go to regular public school with special education resources is the answer anymore. It just doesn't seem to be the best thing for her either academically OR socially. Part of me wonders if the residential school option is for her--but part of me says NO WAY--she is my daughter and I am NOT sending her away--not until she is 18 at least. BUt I am trying not to have such a closed mind about the options--I am trying to look at ALL of the possibilities.

God, this is perhaps the hardest decision we've ever had to make--moving to get her to an oral preschool was tough, moving again to get her auditory-verbal therapy and mainstream was also tough, but now moving again to get her in the best situation for her high school years--it seems to be the toughest decision of all. And making sure that our son also gets into the best high school for him is just as important! Add to that, where could my husband and I both establish successful careers? I LOVE being a mother, but these are tough times--I hope we make the right decisions for everyone!
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Wow! My heart goes out to u. That was a very heartful posting and very moving.

I dont know if u read my threads about my experiences growing up. My personality did change to become quiet and withdrawn during my middle school years. High school was better but I had already lost my confidence in myself and did anything to make others happy so they could like me. It lead to some situation where other kids took advantage of my eagerness to please others.

I am sure u have read that in my 20s, I went through a lot until I started seeing a therapist but it wasnt until I went to Gallaudet that I changed my inner self and stop being so negative. The negativity still pops up here and there especially when it is about me. I am too hard on myself and I am still working on not to do that.

It seems like our daughter has a better chance of fitting in with deaf people. At first, she may not but eventually, she will find some people or a clique that she can connect with.

As for sending her to the dorms. That is where the question of sacrifice comes in. U said u dont want to send her away while she is in high school but if she does express more interest in it later on, then you may have to ask yourself this tough question. Do u want to keep your daughter at home for your own needs or sacrifice your needs for your daughter's happiness? That is only if she really expresses a full interest in it. Maybe she wont want to do it but just a FYI.

At my school, we have dorm students ranging from 4 years old to 16 years old. We have 2 4-years old students that are full time dorm students cuz their family live more than 200 miles away from the school. They live at the school from Sunday night to Friday afternoon. I cant imagine the grief their parents must be going thru to send their child away at such a young age. I dont know if I could do it.

My ex wants to move back to AZ in June and he wants my 9 year old daughter to move with him. We will have to go to court and if for some reason the court decides in favor of my ex, I will accept it and try to make the best of having a daughter live 3,000 miles away from me. Of course, it will tear at my heart and soul but as long as my daughter is happy there, then I can be at peace about it.

This is a very very tough situation for you and your family. Maybe u all can have family counseling to help work out all the issues you are all struggling with? Just a suggestion...

My heart goes out to you and your family and I am very impressed with your honesty. My parents were always in denial with my struggles..saying that I will "get over" it. Now, my mom realizes that it was a lot more deeper than just a causual teen crisis.
 
shel90 said:
I went thru the same thing at Gallaudet which is why many of my friends are deaf people who grew up mainstreamed learning ASL later.

Anyways as for not being able to focus on school due to worrying about not fitting in is kinda far-fetched for college students and if some Gallaudet students use that excuse for not doing well in school, then they probably werent ready for college yet.
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Thanks, Shel! These are the kids that were not served properly in elementary and high school, and as a consequence, are still dealing with issues in college that should have been resolved a bit earlier. And probably would have been had they been properly served.
 
OK--I have more to report about my daughter and her educational needs. Our family is probably going to be moving to Orlando, Florida--job situations and other reasons. So we took a trip last week to check it all out. First stop, the deaf/hard of hearing program in Orange County schools. Very nice people--loved the teachers, speech therapist, interpreter,etc. Very nice students--met about 6 girls and 6 boys--this is middle school. My daughter explained to everyone that she wants to learn sign but is nervous about learning (worried that she will have a hard time learning)--almost everyone SPOKE to her and said that THEY also did not learn sign until middle school and that they are also learning and they learned fast. One very sweet girl, same age as my daughter, is hard of hearing and her mother is deaf so she grew up with both speech and ASL--she really put my daughter at ease by talking to her and telling her that she would love for her to come to school there because she wants the girls to outnumber the boys! :)--and she also said that she would help my daughter learn sign and would intrepret for her to help her learn. My daughter felt pretty much at ease as we toured the school--she went on and on about how much she LOVED Orlando and wanted to move there. So this would be a step in a direction away from mainstreaming--my daughter has always been mainstreamed and the only deaf student--but the handful of deaf/hofh kids are at a mainstream school and they seem to spend a lot of time away form each other as they mainstream with the regular ed kids. I think they do have lunch together and some may spend more time in the deaf/hofh class together, but they all have spearate schedules (like all middle school students) and all kind of go their own individual ways most of the day. I don't know how much time my daughter would really be with the other deaf/hofh kids--enough to really bond and build close friendships?--maybe--I saw some possible potential for that. However, I think my daughter will still shy away from extracurricular activities because she does not feel confident trying out for things if she is the "deaf kid" competing about "regular kids"--know what I mean? She is not confident enough to jump in and assert herself--she is a follower, not a leader. So, probably no sports, band, plays, etc. if she goes there. She just does not feel confident in that environment and doesn't want to stand out in any way.

Now--we decided to drive the 2 hours northeast to St. Augustine to check out the Florida School for the Deaf and Blind. My feelings before the visit: let's look at it as a possible high school plan, but that is two years into the future. The high school deaf/hofh program in Orlando has about 30 students and could also be a possibility for the future--but that would still put her in a mainstream school and she still may not feel comfortable doing sports or other competitive things against the regular ed. students. So my mindset was to look at it, but I just could not fathom the possibility of my daughter living away from home during the week. It killed me to think about it.

My daughter and I arrived on the FSDB campus, and she began talking about how much she liked it. They showed us around by driving us in a golf cart--she went on and on as we rode, talking to the tour guide about how much she liked the place. We visited the middle school classrooms and met the teachers and students--very impressive!!! Each class was divided by grade level and subject--we saw about 5 to 8 kids in each room--my daughter saw LOTS of kids with hearing aids!!--MANY of the teachers and students TALKED to her and asked the tour guide about her--MANY of them assured her that they didn't know sign when they first started there and they learned quickly--and the curriculum and teaching materials were VERY impressive!--when I described some of it to my son who is in regular middle school, he was impressed and said that he wished he had that stuff at HIS middle school--I could go on and on, but the point is this: teachers and students were VERY open to oralism and beginning signers (they SPOKE to us and told my daughter that they would help her learn ASL), there were MANY kids like my daughter (oral deaf, learning ASL) (I think about 125 middle school students and 200 high school students) (not all are oral, but MANY are), and I was very impressed with the academics as we watched the classes "in action." So, my impression was: WOW! This is great! My daughter's impression: I would say that she was "in heaven"!!--she talked to the teachers and adults, she talked the the students, she opened up more and more as the tour went on--she LOVED it!!!

Then we continued to tour the campus and the subject of sports/music/extracurriculars came up. My daughter assertively said, "I LOVE volleyball and basketball!" So we went to the gym to meet the coaches--and she talked to them and they talked to her--they told her that she is very tall and would probably be able to be on the JV team and sometimes play Varsity, too, while still in middle school. My daughter saw and Auburn University sticker and talked to one of the coaches about that (she likes Auburn--other coach tried to persuade my daughter to be a UF Gator fan! :))--I saw my daughter come completely out of her shell! :) It was such a good feeling to see her feel so comfortable and at ease---she was "in her element." She talked on and on to everyone about everything, and they continued to talk to her and assure her that she would do fine learning ASL.

Then we checked out things like the cafeteria and dorms--this is where I reminded her about the week-long boarding and weekends at home. We learned that about 55 students ride the Orlando bus home every weekend. We saw their suitcases packed and ready to go. We saw the same posters on the walls as my daughter has at home in her room (JoJo, Beyonce, Hilary Duff, etc.). We saw how it all works--the living there and riding the bus home each weekend. We saw the meals and the menus. We saw the snacks. We saw the lifestyle she would lead if she boarded there. My daughter commented that it was a lot like a sleepover--they said that with permission from both students' parents, students can even ride buses to other cities and have sleepovers in their friend's hometowns on the weekends. So, my daughter could have "sleepovers" every night at the dorms, then she could have them at home on the weekends with her Orlando friends, AND she could have them at home and in other cities with her friends from other places. Just add that to more positives for her!--she RARELY goes to ANY sleepovers right now--she essentially gets left out by the kids at her mainstream school.

As the tour was winding down, she said this--"My mom said I might could go to high school here, but I REALLY want to go to middle school here, too." I said something about having a hard time letting her go--how hard it would be to let her live away from me during the week. Her response--"Mom! I'm not a little child anymore! I'll be fine! I really want to go to school here now, not two years from now!" Those words hit hard--she is right, she is growing up and not a child anymore--but letting my daughter go to boarding school, not seeing her EVERY DAY like I have all of her life--OUCH!! That hurts so bad!! But I guess that is more about me than her, huh? I know she would miss me, but she is convinced that she wants to do this. OMG--I NEVER thought I would have to deal with this kind of separation so soon---BTW, I have always been a stay-at-home mother, so I have always been with my kids. I took her to all of her speech therapy/AVT sessions. We bonded tightly. It is KILLING me to let go this much and this soon!!

BUT--I am thinking about this from this perspective. Would the Orlando program be good for her? Maybe. Should I insist that she try it first before going away to boarding school? Maybe. OR--Am I that much more impressed with what FSDB has to offer my daughter? YES! Does FSDB seem like a better fit for her? YES! So now, as much as I wish I could have her with me EVERY DAY like she has been all of her life, I have to admit: SHE likes FSDB better, SHE wants to go there for BOTH middle AND high school, SHE is ok with the boarding and coming home for the weekends (at least she says she is--reality may be different), and we BOTH seem to agree that FSDB is the better place for her. SO I guess I have to get over my separation issues--I think I will have a much harder time than she will!!

The good part is: I will receive my Masters Degree in a few months and I am planning to start working full-time when we move to Orlando--hopefully this will keep my mind busy so I won't sit around the house in misery pining for her every day. She will do school all week and I will work all week--then we will reunite every weekend and do lots of fun things in Orlando! That could be a good thing! And I won't have the worry of trying to start a new job and figuring out what to do with my daughter during after school hours--my son has that all figured out since he will be in high school, but middle school is more difficult to figure out sometimes. One thing I was nervous about when going back to work: sibling rivalry at home after school--teenage son home alone is fine, add his sister to the mix and things don't always go so well. Maybe this will work out good in many ways. But still--I WILL MISS HER TERRIBLY!!!!!

We haven't made the final decision, but it is looking more and more like we will be moving to Orlando and my daughter will commute to FSDB during the week and come home to Orlando on the weekends. We checked out many things around Orlando--we KNOW we will like living there. Jobs for husband and me look promising, high school for son looks great, housing looks good in the area we are focusing on. Trying to find the best school for my daughter, and it looks like FSDB. Oh my--THAT is the hardest part. Well, if she doesn't like it as much as she thinks she will, she can always come back to the original plan of public school deaf/hofh program. But I don't think she is going to change her mind--she has said several times that she no longer wants to go to the Orlando school--that she wants to go to the school in St. Augustine. I hope we can handle this change--she is growing up and soon will truly be leaving home for a life of her own. I guess this is just a step toward that direction--a BIG step and a step taken MUCH earler than I was planning--but I guess my job is to begin letting those apron strings loose on her. I love her SO much and I HATE letting go, but I DO want her to be a productive, independent adult and I think this is the best way for her to achieve that goal. Wish us luck!!
 
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