Do hope this helps someone in need of it to understand Life.
Bereavement: A life Passage
People need this to understand about the sorrows of losing a spouse
“The presence of that absence is everywhere.”
“Becoming widowed is surely among life’s most traumatic events. The sorrow of losing a spouse is unique in the human experience; gone is a partner and lover, helpmate and adviser. The fact that death can be anticipated - when it occurs at an advanced age or after a long illness - makes bereavement no less painful.”
Widowhood can happen to both men and women at any age, but because women generally live longer than men, 80% of the 1.5 million widowed people in Canada are women. The lifestyles of widows and widowers is also different. Women are more likely than men to have a large peer group for social and emotional support. They also tend to have closer ties with their children, especially daughters.
Bereavement experiences vary widely. Adjusting to widowhood usually involves an initial period of shock and numbness, then a time when pressing practical matters are a priority. Working through the grief process may take two years or more, while redefining an individual and social identity and settling into a new way of life often takes a few years longer.
What is ‘normal’ grief? “The long sobs of the violins of autumn pierce my heart.” Grief is the human response to significant loss. Grief does not follow a fixed timetable or list of symptoms. Normal feelings include shock, numbness, sadness, anger, remorse, resentment, guilt. You may hear the voice of the person who died, have flashbacks to the funeral or to moments before the death, or think you see the person on the street. Difficulty concentrating and remembering is common, as are irrational thoughts and changes in sleep patterns and appetite.
This severe emotional distress may take months to dissipate. Then, periods of feeling better may be interrupted by renewed sadness. Even when things seem to be getting back to normal, the heartache may return when you realize that the new ‘normal’ is not the same as the old ‘normal’ - the death of a long-time partner changes things forever.
For some, bereavement starts before death. Learning that a spouse has a terminal illness or dementia often prompts anticipatory grief. When death comes, the bereaved person may feel relief, sometimes accompanied by guilt or remorse about the quality or source of care the spouse received before death.
Consequences and adjustments: Not only do men and women have different chances of being widowed, some studies suggest they also experience bereavement and adjust to widow(er)hood differently. “She cries, he sighs” is how one counsellor sums up differences in male and female grieving patterns. The disparities arise from social expectations: it is acceptable for women, but not for men, to cry and express grief openly, which helps them work through and get beyond grief.
As if grief is not enough to deal with, death precipitates dozens of chores - settling the estate, applying for death benefits, filing insurance claims and tax returns, notifying various authorities. Then there are decisions about where to live and with whom, how to handle new responsibilities and, for many women, how to live on a lower income.
Planning and information gathering can ease the adjustment process for the surviving spouse, at least as far as practical matters are concerned - i.e. making a will, preparing a personal record listing the locations of important documents, making funeral arrangements, etc. Planning may not allay the emotional impact, but it can help avoid compounding grief by reducing the number of decisions needed at a time when decision-making is hard. Spouses can also plan financially to enable the surviving spouse to afford the preferred living arrangement.
Staying healthy and independent Living arrangements are often crucial to the surviving spouse’s ability to remain healthy and independent. We do know that health is jeopardized if living alone leads to social isolation, loneliness, and depression. The choice of living arrangements also influences the social networks and activities in which a widow(er) can participate. The social supports that underpin seniors’ general health and well-being - family, friends, clubs, volunteer activities, services, self-help groups - take on added significance when seniors are bereaved, particularly if children and other close relatives (especially siblings) live far away.
Long-term adjustment to widowhood involves profound change. With hard work and appropriate support, the transition is possible and eventually even enjoyable. Life seldom closes a door without opening a window - an opportunity for growth and independence, a chance to pursue new interests, to make new friends, to acquire new skills in decision-making and managing their lives. Widowhood can be not the end, but the beginning of another stage of life’s infinitely varied journey.
“What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us.”