The idea of dating again scares me.

Lily7

Lily7

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It has been 15 years for me since I've been out on a date. I only ever dated the man that eventually became my husband too. We have not been together for 3 years now, and I'm ready to start dating now that I've had some time to myself to work things out. But man, does it ever scare me!

Especially the dating websites. Yikes. PoF for example, seems to be where all the psychos and weirdos and lazy people go. Seems it's full of jerks who are all about appearances or who just want sex. I had some frightening experiences on there, finally gave up and deleted my profile.

Now I'm on OKcupid, which so far seems to be a little better. Better quality of people on there. I feel like a snob saying that, but it's true. But it's still scary and intimidating and I kind of feel like that no one is interested, still, because I'm not skinny.

I would REALLY rather meet people in person. But I'm pretty isolated right now. I have no idea where to go to meet people... I don't work, or go to church or anything like that. The most places I go right now are the dog park and the store. I do plan to go to Deaf Chat Coffee, just because I want to expand my social life in general, but I don't plan to actually meet anyone for anything other than friends there.

Regardless of WHERE I meet people, I've noticed something about myself. I'm terrified. I mean terrified. I did have a couple of dates lined up so far but I canceled one and the other backed out. Both times as I was mentally preparing myself, I wanted to do anything else but date, so I was relieved when the dates go broken. GAH.

I have to admit, the main reason why I am so intimidated by dating is the communication issues. I am pretty sure that if I knew communication would not be a problem I would feel completely different. Still nervous, yes, but not scared or anything, because I know I am a pretty cool person to hang out with. :P But communicating with hearing people is exceptionally difficult and it makes an already awkward situation so much worse. And I don't think there are any deaf people to date around here, but even if there were, same problem - my sign sucks. lol

Anyway. I just felt the need to rant a bit about my situation. Does anyone have any tips for overcoming the apprehension involved with communication while dating? Or tips for better sites. Or ideas on where to meet people. Or something? lol

Sorry for the length of this post. Something came over me and I felt okay with opening up in a public place. *shrug*
 
In my dating day and spending a lot of time online on match.com, I never had the gut to tell anyone I am DEAF!! I was scared of what people would think of if I told them I was deaf.

I now have a girlfriend so not worried about dating.

Don't be afraid to tell the guy you are deaf(or HOH). If guy is reasonable, I am sure he will know how to handle deafness or HOH issues. Heck, maybe the guy has a friend or family member who is deaf. Who knows.....

Good luck.
 
I think the worst thing you can do is go out with the intentions of trying to find a boyfriend. You should just go out and have fun. Try meeting people. Then see what happens from there. Ur definitly not the only person feeling that way
 
dereksbicycles said:
In my dating day and spending a lot of time online on match.com, I never had the gut to tell anyone I am DEAF!! I was scared of what people would think of if I told them I was deaf.

I now have a girlfriend so not worried about dating.

Don't be afraid to tell the guy you are deaf(or HOH). If guy is reasonable, I am sure he will know how to handle deafness or HOH issues. Heck, maybe the guy has a friend or family member who is deaf. Who knows.....

Good luck.
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Yeah, I think one of the biggest reasons I didn't get many messages on PoF was because I put that I was deaf on my profile... I didn't at first and got a few messages. Then I put that on there and got none. So now I don't have it on my OKcupid profile. I prefer to let them get to know ME first and not my deafness, then tell them about it if they send me more than a few messages.
 
lucas said:
I think the worst thing you can do is go out with the intentions of trying to find a boyfriend. You should just go out and have fun. Try meeting people. Then see what happens from there. Ur definitly not the only person feeling that way
Click to expand...

I agree. I am doing both, trying to make friends AND get dates. But at the same time like I said, I don't get out much to meet anyone, so doing this dating website crap is kind of a way of attempting to do so lol
 
eh dating websites is a scary thought! try going to some deaf gatherings or something. i might check one out if i can find where i left my cahoons aha. just a thought though
 
Lily, might I recommend you read the book "It's Just a Date" by Greg Behrendt.

Trust me, it will help and hopefully take the pressure off for you :)
 
I was in the same situation like 2 months ago - I went on my first date since becoming totally deaf. It was tough! But, it is doable. I don't know ASL yet, so I relied heavily on lip reading and pen/paper. I've gone on a few more dates since, with the same guy, and it seems to be moving along well. I agree with you though - Communication is everything in a relationship, and to have that be an issue is really scary.

Good luck!!
-Lauren
 
Would Deaf Coffees be helpful? Going for coffee (tea or whatever) is also a great first date. Keep it casual and not stressful. You can always cut it short if it doesn't go well. Whenever you meet someone, maybe it's not a love match, but that person has friends and siblings to meet as well. Good luck!
 
Just go out and make friends and hold off dating for a while until you know the person well. I am not that all crazy about going on a date with someone I don't know well. Maybe that is why you got scared of dating. Just go out and volunteer or develop a new hobby. Dog park is good place to meet another dog lover.
 
I think you have anxiety issues when it comes to the hearing world. I used to have them hut the longer I have been involved with the Deaf community. The less anxiety I feel with hearing people. Why not focus on rebuilding yourself first?
 
I am on match, and don't get much notice now. It seems to go in spurts there with lots of new people and then you only see those same faces over and over. I am expecting I will probably meet anyone I date seriously through a friend, more than online. So I keep going out trying to meet people, make new friends!

I went on a date with a guy through match, the ONLY time I didn't get a picture beforehand, and when I got there he had some sort of condition like CP. That is quite the surprise to spring on someone as she walks into the restaurant. So while I totally get leaving deafness out of your profile, I would suggest you let them know "hey, I'm D/HH, but don't worry we will be able to communicate" and then set him up for how.

I'm fluent in Spanish and ASL and such a nerd that my brain really likes the foreign language workout that I would totally reply to a deaf guy or someone who spoke mostly/only Spanish, but if someone said he used a wheelchair or something I probably would not reply to the profile. On the flip side though, I have a friend who is a double amputee. I don't find him attractive for other reasons, but ignoring those, since I know him and we have fun together, I would have considered dating him. It makes a huge difference when you actually know the person. It is really easy to dismiss an online profile.
 
I do much better with online sites than I do offline because I won't miss anything in the initial conversation(which is really the most important).

I've found there are definitely differences in how motivated people are on different sites. On Match, people are more motivated than POF and this is mostly due to the fact that it is a paid site. I've never tried OK cupid, but I may give that a shot.

Also, a deaf guy has to try harder because there are so many more choices for women online. It's not easy, but it's doable.

Just be safe and always meet in a public place, take your cell with you and make sure a friend knows were you are meeting someone. And, if you have access to background check info use that as well.

Dating should be fun so go out there and have a good time.
 
First, you need to stop think in pre-judge of men who want to have one-night stand or just come for sex. It's sometime men like me make mis-communicate (very common for deaf men who isn't high education) what you thought we mean it in joke. Nothing serious as they except you laugh and try to tease back to prove that you're awesome who is open-mind.

If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong. Hope you find right person who you can feel comfortable and enjoy the company together.
 
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