"The Castle In My Mind"

[dreamchaser]

If you have enough karma points on Scribophile, it would be awesome if you posted it.

Karma points?

 

[DragonYoga]

Karma points?

It's just a points system on Scribophile. To get more points, one would need to vote on comments/works and to critique others' works. It's the number by your star on your "My Desk" page. They just call it karma points, cuz they like it I guess!

 

[dreamchaser]

It's just a points system on Scribophile. To get more points, one would need to vote on comments/works and to critique others' works. It's the number by your star on your "My Desk" page. They just call it karma points, cuz they like it I guess!

Thanks,,, you are so good to help me understand. I haven't really figured out how to read an article or critique one yet. But will keep experimenting with the buttons... I have to learn to use their site tools..

I can't even use these tools yet... LOL WARNING keep her away from the nuclear bomb button... LOL

 

[DragonYoga]

haha!!!

You will be fine. They have a "how-to" for critiquing. It can be as basic as grammatical errors that you catch, or if something doesn't sound right to you... Similar to my critique of Chase's Beegone.

 

[VamPyroX]

Good story.

Here are a few things that you should consider.

The writing started with you immediately noticing the girl. That seems to me as too sudden or too quick for any reader. Have you thought about making the transition a bit more smoother? How about making the first paragraph where you're minding your own business looking into the sky, reading a book, watching the water, flowers, birds, sun, clouds, etc... Then you turn around and notice the girl. That will give the reader a smooth transition in the story. Let the readers get in the mood that you're minding your own business and suddenly, you get their attention that something happened and make them wonder what's going on.

You mentioned "Deaf" (capital 'D'). How do you know if she is "Deaf" or "deaf". From a stranger's point of view, every deaf person is simply "deaf". If you were a deaf person talking about another deaf person that you knew and that deaf person takes pride or is strongly part of Deaf Culture, then you could label that person as "Deaf". However, in the story you've written... you're describing a little girl from a stranger's point of view... so, "deaf" would probably be better considering the audience that will be reading it.

Along with that part, you've used "Deaf" in the whole writing... including the end. By saying, "Deaf"... it sounds like a program only for those who are strongly immersed in Deaf Culture and not those who are "deaf". The whole paper seems to use that word from a general point of view and not a Deaf Culture point of view. That's why I think "deaf" would be better.

If your story was longer and you had different parts focusing on different aspects of deafness and one part talked about those that were deeply immersed in Deaf Culture, then the readers would begin to notice the differences between "Deaf" and "deaf".

 

[jillio]

This was a wonderful story, dreamchaser. Your story and your use of language drew me in from the very beginning. I agree that this story needs to reach the hearing. Does your college have a newspaper that prints creative writing submissions from students? Quite often,not jsut students, but alumus, read these publications. Or perhaps your local library has a creative writing contest 2 or 3 times a year?

 

[DragonYoga]

This was a wonderful story, dreamchaser. Your story and your use of language drew me in from the very beginning. I agree that this story needs to reach the hearing. Does your college have a newspaper that prints creative writing submissions from students? Quite often,not jsut students, but alumus, read these publications. Or perhaps your local library has a creative writing contest 2 or 3 times a year?

My college doesn't have short story submissions for our college paper, but I know we have end-of-semester presentations from the Creative Writing class. When I take manuscript writing next Spring, I will probably be asked to read a selection from my manuscript in front of an audience.

SORRY! I know that was way off topic! DreamChaser, defintely find out! Your story could even be submitted to the local papers, as well.

 

[jillio]

My college doesn't have short story submissions for our college paper, but I know we have end-of-semester presentations from the Creative Writing class. When I take manuscript writing next Spring, I will probably be asked to read a selection from my manuscript in front of an audience.

SORRY! I know that was way off topic! DreamChaser, defintely find out! Your story could even be submitted to the local papers, as well.

Cool! We have several events designed to get student work out in the public, as well. Its always a good place to start.

 

[dreamchaser]

Good story.

Here are a few things that you should consider.

The writing started with you immediately noticing the girl. That seems to me as too sudden or too quick for any reader. Have you thought about making the transition a bit more smoother? How about making the first paragraph where you're minding your own business looking into the sky, reading a book, watching the water, flowers, birds, sun, clouds, etc... Then you turn around and notice the girl. That will give the reader a smooth transition in the story. Let the readers get in the mood that you're minding your own business and suddenly, you get their attention that something happened and make them wonder what's going on.

You mentioned "Deaf" (capital 'D'). How do you know if she is "Deaf" or "deaf". From a stranger's point of view, every deaf person is simply "deaf". If you were a deaf person talking about another deaf person that you knew and that deaf person takes pride or is strongly part of Deaf Culture, then you could label that person as "Deaf". However, in the story you've written... you're describing a little girl from a stranger's point of view... so, "deaf" would probably be better considering the audience that will be reading it.

Along with that part, you've used "Deaf" in the whole writing... including the end. By saying, "Deaf"... it sounds like a program only for those who are strongly immersed in Deaf Culture and not those who are "deaf". The whole paper seems to use that word from a general point of view and not a Deaf Culture point of view. That's why I think "deaf" would be better.

If your story was longer and you had different parts focusing on different aspects of deafness and one part talked about those that were deeply immersed in Deaf Culture, then the readers would begin to notice the differences between "Deaf" and "deaf".

Good point, I was gonna change that and forgot. I guess I forget that people don't know that...

The story had to stay to three pages so I didn't have much room to develp the beginning, but now I can cuz it has been graded. thanks so much...

 

[dreamchaser]

This was a wonderful story, dreamchaser. Your story and your use of language drew me in from the very beginning. I agree that this story needs to reach the hearing. Does your college have a newspaper that prints creative writing submissions from students? Quite often,not jsut students, but alumus, read these publications. Or perhaps your local library has a creative writing contest 2 or 3 times a year?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I will look into the school newspaper thing. I have felt too shy to really venture out much. Due to panic attacks and a nervous breakdown of such when my husband died, I kind of secluded myself and cried for a year and a half before I realized I just had to face life again. Going back to school was a big step for me, and I am still trying to learn to navigate life again. So, the thought of actually publishing anything is excitting and yet scary. But, my passion to get rid of the walls that exist between the Deaf/deaf and hearing is just insatiable. I may die trying to make even a small difference, but that's ok, cuz I will know that seeds can grow into flourishing gardens in future generations.

I feared that this story might be misinterpreted by the oral only folks. It was not meant to cause controversy, but to encourage love and communication. I would rather have my fingers cut off than to offend any deaf person no matter what their preference is, and I surely don't want to sound condesending.

Thanks again,,,and did I mention that you guys Rock!

 

[jillio]

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I will look into the school newspaper thing. I have felt too shy to really venture out much. Due to panic attacks and a nervous breakdown of such when my husband died, I kind of secluded myself and cried for a year and a half before I realized I just had to face life again. Going back to school was a big step for me, and I am still trying to learn to navigate life again. So, the thought of actually publishing anything is excitting and yet scary. But, my passion to get rid of the walls that exist between the Deaf/deaf and hearing is just insatiable. I may die trying to make even a small difference, but that's ok, cuz I will know that seeds can grow into flourishing gardens in future generations.

I feared that this story might be misinterpreted by the oral only folks. It was not meant to cause controversy, but to encourage love and communication. I would rather have my fingers cut off than to offend any deaf person no matter what their preference is, and I surely don't want to sound condesending.

Thanks again,,,and did I mention that you guys Rock!

I can understand the recovery from the death of a spouse. My son's father (and my husband) died when my son was 6. His needs are what kept me moving forward.

 

[VamPyroX]

Good point, I was gonna change that and forgot. I guess I forget that people don't know that...

The story had to stay to three pages so I didn't have much room to develp the beginning, but now I can cuz it has been graded. thanks so much...

What were the specific requirements for doing this paper? Font type, size, and margins... double spaced?

 

[Matilda]

Hey Oz, what kind of a Deaf center?

Don't you have centers for the Deaf, Hard of Hearing, etc ... places where the newly deaf or hoh go to, to get their ears checked? Places where old people go to as well when they become hearing-impaired.

Ask any AD'ers of those places in the city where you are living? or Google or phone directory?

 

[dreamchaser]

What were the specific requirements for doing this paper? Font type, size, and margins... double spaced?

The assignment was to describe a life changing event and it's outcome.

It was double space, Times New Roman, 1-inch margins, all around.

Three pages or just a little past, considering you needed room for the heading.

My teacher said I could use fiction, but doubted that the skill level in that class would be developed enough yet to do so,, But he said go for it if I were brave -- so I did. Pulled an A.

I finally got up the guts to share it with you guys. You are the only real people to critique it.

 

[VamPyroX]

The assignment was to describe a life changing event and it's outcome.

It was double space, Times New Roman, 1-inch margins, all around.

Three pages or just a little past, considering you needed room for the heading.

My teacher said I could use fiction, but doubted that the skill level in that class would be developed enough yet to do so,, But he said go for it if I were brave -- so I did. Pulled an A.

I finally got up the guts to share it with you guys. You are the only real people to critique it.

The paper you did has 1.25" margins on the left and right. If you changed the margins to 1", it would shorten your writing by 6 lines. That's enough room to add 6 more lines for your intro.

 

[Matilda]

Here are a few things that you should consider.

The writing started with you immediately noticing the girl. That seems to me as too sudden or too quick for any reader. Have you thought about making the transition a bit more smoother? How about making the first paragraph where you're minding your own business looking into the sky, reading a book, watching the water, flowers, birds, sun, clouds, etc... Then you turn around and notice the girl. That will give the reader a smooth transition in the story. Let the readers get in the mood that you're minding your own business and suddenly, you get their attention that something happened and make them wonder what's going on.

dc ... Vampy has an excellent point there! I agree with him.

 

[VamPyroX]

Good point, I was gonna change that and forgot. I guess I forget that people don't know that...

The story had to stay to three pages so I didn't have much room to develp the beginning, but now I can cuz it has been graded. thanks so much...

I forgot to say this...

If something is too long to add anything else, you can always shorten other parts.

You added a lot of sentences expressing things figuratively and emotionally. Some of those sentences that seem to repeat themselves can be removed or rephrased shorter so that you can add your intro.

 

[Matilda]

dc ... forgot to add an extract from a previous posting that Vampy replied to my query about the differences between Deaf, deaf, hoh and hearing impaired.

"In the deaf world, the difference between Deaf and deaf is Deaf Culture. People who say they are Deaf (with big 'D') are those who strongly follow Deaf Culture. People who say they are deaf (with little 'd') are those who don't follow Deaf Culture.

D-eaf is a person who identifies themselves as culturally deaf, who uses sign language.....and does not see deafness as a disability whatsoever.

d-eaf is a person who has very little or no connection to the deaf culture and regards deafness as a disability.

If you have the ability to hear very well (with hearing aids) and speak orally well, then you could call yourself "hard-of-hearing" when you're describing yourself to other deaf people.

However, if you were in a government office... they would look at "hard-of-hearing" as something used by old people who have lost part of their hearing due to age. That's why they usually use "hearing impaired" instead."


Hope that helps you understand which I did, thanks to Vampy.

 

[dreamchaser]

Don't you have centers for the Deaf, Hard of Hearing, etc ... places where the newly deaf or hoh go to, to get their ears checked? Places where old people go to as well when they become hearing-impaired.

Ask any AD'ers of those places in the city where you are living? or Google or phone directory?

I will ask my teacher or her family.. They are in Portland with much bigger Deaf population, in spite of the fact that the Deaf school is here in Salem.

 

[dreamchaser]

dc ... forgot to add an extract from a previous posting that Vampy replied to my query about the differences between Deaf, deaf, hoh and hearing impaired.

"In the deaf world, the difference between Deaf and deaf is Deaf Culture. People who say they are Deaf (with big 'D') are those who strongly follow Deaf Culture. People who say they are deaf (with little 'd') are those who don't follow Deaf Culture.

D-eaf is a person who identifies themselves as culturally deaf, who uses sign language.....and does not see deafness as a disability whatsoever.

d-eaf is a person who has very little or no connection to the deaf culture and regards deafness as a disability.

If you have the ability to hear very well (with hearing aids) and speak orally well, then you could call yourself "hard-of-hearing" when you're describing yourself to other deaf people.

However, if you were in a government office... they would look at "hard-of-hearing" as something used by old people who have lost part of their hearing due to age. That's why they usually use "hearing impaired" instead."


Hope that helps you understand which I did, thanks to Vampy.

cooool, I will fix that. I guess I was thinkin of born deaf as culturally deaf because they were both signing... But you are right,, general public may not get that... Not really opportunity to explain the concept in the story unless I really broke the flow and found a way to introduce the subject without changing the innocence of the scene... Unless of course, someone can think of a clever way to do it..