This has been a really interesting thread. As someone said earlier, people are classified, but they classify themselves as well. Something I've watched with interest is the difference in how a community sees itself according to majority or minority status. Because how people see themselves, and their stake in belonging to a group and being accepted by it is central to how they see others and their positions relative to the group. A first-generation immigrant often has a tight-knit group of people from the same ethnic group, and feels security in his/her interactions with that group, maybe even a strong need for the support that group gives. But the acceptance and support usually comes at a price as well - you conform to some extent with the attitudes of that group. It might not be a bad thing, if your attitudes are similar. You're excluded, and you have a group that affirms you, you share important points and can relate to each other.
But the children of those people, more familiar with the wider society and able to function more comfortably in it, often find themselves in conflict. The parents want them to share their values that they feel are important, the child may share some of them but not at the expense of the comfort he/she feels in the wider world. The same could be true for someone who grew up with some of those same issues but outside the greater community.
I'm one of the latter people when it comes to Greek communities in the US. I can speak Greek better than many of them but I'll never be "Greek enough" for them. (Others might feel outside because they are weak in the language, even though they're Orthodox etc.) I used to care. I don't any more. I don't resent them, I don't hate them, and I don't reject them for who they are; all I ask is that they also see me as something more than "a person of Greek heritage who should therefore be this and that and the other thing." Some are fine, others see every departure from their norm as a rejection - not only of that norm, but of their community as well. The thing is, I can't go back and unlive my life, forget my own experiences that shape who I am. People project their values on others, and judge their actions according to their own values as well as insecurities. And because the community provides a comfortable zone, it's hard to imagine how confining it may be to someone who doesn't quite fit in. I drew the line when I was being badgered about my religion, and seen as some sort of a "traitor" by some because of my love for Turkey and my Turkish friends.
Some people in my position adopt an attitude of, "you rejected me, I'm rejecting you back." Others live in both worlds but suppress themselves when they're around the community to keep peace, or hold onto the parts that they themselves value. Others just don't care - they move in and out where they're comfortable and don't waste time worrying about who accepts them or not. But it usually takes a while to get there.
So (sorry this is long) - concerning the woman who doesn't feel the need to be part of a deaf community - it could be a combination of all these things. But as a group of people who have felt "outside" for a variety of reasons, deaf people should also realize that there are people who also feel "outside," either because of rejection, or because of expectations that they feel they can't fulfill, or because they're seen as "traitors" when they spend more of their time in the hearing community.
But in the end, that person has just as much of a right to define herself according to what's important to her, as any member of any community has. Why waste time speculating on whether she hates deaf culture or not, or whether she is outwardly rejecting you or just not interested, or whether her lack of interest is rejection? There will always be people who reject us. If we are really confident in our acceptance of ourselves, then there's no need to dwell on those who may not.
