Seeking serious advice: Friend found father after 23 years - abandoned son when born

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Bear said:
Let me tell you of my own experience. I have too found my father after 33 years of hearing nothing from him *Im 38 years old*. I sent a letter to him asking many questions. When I got no response, I called to talk to him, my half-brother answered the phone. It seems my father's other family knew nothing about me. They did not welcome the intrusion. They felt because my father was older that I was possibly after any inheritance and would not acknowledge anything I said. Even though I assured them that I wasn't. Turns out my father is in a nursing home in WVA. He denied ever knowing me or my mother. He refused to meet with me and or talk to me and answer my questions.

I would strongly suggest that you do not do this. You may upset any brothers or sisters that you may have after all this time. Because chances are no one knows about you except your father and his mother. Sometimes it is just better to wonder than to know that you really werent wanted.
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Thank you for sharing your experience, Bear. This is often the reality. Another example...

This ALSO happened to my Mother. (yeah, history repeats itself a LOT in my family! :roll:) Anyway, Mom was abandoned by HER father. He subsequently also died back in 1985. He was murdered. Back in 1995, my Mother found some information that led her to discovering that her father was gone, but finding out that her grandmother was still alive. She contacted her grandmother. That part went OK. But, she also found out that she had 7 half brothers and sisters. They did NOT take too kindly to finding out that they had an older half-sister. One of my aunts is the same age as me, but I don't see her. I don't see any of the aunts or uncles and thats fine by me. There was a lot of jealousy on their part and alot of strife. It didn't turn out to be horrible, but at the same time, things probably should have been left alone.

Like I said in my first post about this, weigh this carefully and decide if contacting him would be worth it to you. It may be, but it ALSO may NOT be.

I wish you well.
 
Update:

Scorpio is currently in the talks with a family counsellor seeking for professional advice before making any further moves with the situation he is currently in. I shall let him tell you when he's ready.

Thank you all for your posts. He appericates all these mixed advice from you all. :)
 
It sounds like Scorpio doesn't really want to meet with his father but he has alot of questions. If there is a way for him to get answers without meeting his father like a third party. Maybe the counselor can do that. I hope he will resolve his feelings on this soon.
 
Buffalo said:
It sounds like Scorpio doesn't really want to meet with his father but he has alot of questions. If there is a way for him to get answers without meeting his father like a third party. Maybe the counselor can do that. I hope he will resolve his feelings on this soon.
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He is considering to use his consuller to contact them to find out, and discuss. He all wants to know two things -- Why he ran away and if he have half brothers and sisters? That leaves him wondering for the last 23 years.
 
Sending healing vibes his way. Abandonment issues are hard. I have abandonment issues, too. Counseling helped me, and I hope it helps him, too.
 
Update:

This details of the phone number turns out to be the wrong person, and he has contacted professionals and turns out his father is in U.S.A - he's still working on tracking him, finding out information from the first post of this thread.
 
Oceanbreeze said:
Honestly? I would walk away. I actually am in your shoes or I could have been. My biological father abandoned me when I was 6 mos old. He subsequently died when I was 13 and I never tried contacting him before he died, nor did he ever see me again.

But, in my opinion, if your father wasn't man enough to be a father to you, why give him the chance now? I can understand if you want questions answered, though.

I grew up having a Dad. My Mother married my step father when I was 18 mos old, so it is different for me. I never had a void. Also, my Mother was willing to answer questions I had about my father, and she always did. So, forgive me if I'm not real helpful.

I guess it comes down to what you want from him. I also would make sure you can handle the answers to your questions. I would have someone available to you there in real life who you can talk to in case things don't go the way you want them to.

Good luck!
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Bear said:
Let me tell you of my own experience. I have too found my father after 33 years of hearing nothing from him *Im 38 years old*. I sent a letter to him asking many questions. When I got no response, I called to talk to him, my half-brother answered the phone. It seems my father's other family knew nothing about me. They did not welcome the intrusion. They felt because my father was older that I was possibly after any inheritance and would not acknowledge anything I said. Even though I assured them that I wasn't. Turns out my father is in a nursing home in WVA. He denied ever knowing me or my mother. He refused to meet with me and or talk to me and answer my questions.

I would strongly suggest that you do not do this. You may upset any brothers or sisters that you may have after all this time. Because chances are no one knows about you except your father and his mother. Sometimes it is just better to wonder than to know that you really werent wanted.
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Yeah, I somewhat can related to what your POVs as a fatherless child.

I grew up without a father and I never know who my father is. My family don't know, either. But he is not abandoned us cos he still don't know that I am his daughter. It's a long story. I don't really get along with my stepdads or her former boyfriends through they are good guys. At the least, I had no problem at all. But I saw a few friends of mine and another familiar people I know had been through as being abandoned by dads. What I know, most of them had a hard time with their bio fathers and some of them were never spoke to each other again. It's pretty various sad stories. It made me feel glad that I don't have any experience like this. But it still, sometimes, bothers me to wonder who my father is. So, I decided to make a right thing is to find out who he is and to send a letter him about a little information of my family and my life. If he don't send me a letter after I send a letter few times. I would rather to walk away and being focus on my life and my family. It's not worth to try to connect frequently with him if he don't want to talk with or see me, or else, anyway.

I would hate to see you being hurt if your father refuses to see you, talk with you, or anything else. But I really hope that you get some good news that he and you have no problem to face each other.

Wish you a good luck. :)
 
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i would call, but many fathers leave for a reason. Some are already married. Some don't know how to be a father or scared they might become their own father especially if their father was abusive. I have a relative who was upset with his wife for getting pregnant so he left her. he came from an abusive father, and I think he was actually afraid to be a father because of his experience. about 20 years later, the daughter finally met her father and they became good friends. She was upset with him, but I told her that he came from a hard life and probably didn't know how to be a father (which btw, she is his only child). But at the same time, the day she finally met him was when he was dignose with cancer so she didn't get enough time with him. He died but left her alot of money for college.

This happen to several people I know. They meet their father around the time they are dying. It's a strange coincidence.

and yes, some left because they are just plain selfish. But anyway, you never know until you try. They may want to talk to you.

My cousin's father left my cousin because he was already married. But today they are talking and are good friends. At first he was angry, but now it all ok.

Some fathers probably do not want to face the "angry" part for leaving so they may not talk at all.
 
Since father left before he was born, I would suggest that he find out both sides of the story before drawing any conclusions and to be as objective as possible. The only thing your hearing friend has to go on is what he has been told by the other family members which may be bias. There will be three sides to this story. The fathers side, the mothers side and somewhere in between will be the truth.
 
As one who has actually experienced something similar to this situation, I can say that rockdrummer's advice is appropriate. We have no idea why the father left or what the circumstances were. If he has any intentions of addressing his father, he should go into it with an open mind and reserve judgments until he has all pertinent information first.
 
Wow this thread is a real eye opener. My ex-husband ran out on us when my DD was 4 mos old and I've not seen him since. I haven't told my DD (she's 6yo now) the full details, but she really hasn't asked.

For those of you who had fathers that abandoned you, is there anything specific you wish your mother's did that they didn't or anything they that helped as you were growing up? I don't want my DD growing up having abandonment issues. I want her to know she's free to make her own decisions, and not allow the actions of her missing father to form her destiny.
 
Dixie said:
Wow this thread is a real eye opener. My ex-husband ran out on us when my DD was 4 mos old and I've not seen him since. I haven't told my DD (she's 6yo now) the full details, but she really hasn't asked.

For those of you who had fathers that abandoned you, is there anything specific you wish your mother's did that they didn't or anything they that helped as you were growing up? I don't want my DD growing up having abandonment issues. I want her to know she's free to make her own decisions, and not allow the actions of her missing father to form her destiny.
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I would say, Dix, to be as honest with your DD as you can giving her as much age appropriate info as she desires. My father abandoned me when I was six months old and died when I was 13. I never knew him. I did know from the time I was young certain details. My Mother never withheld anything from me. I also had a father figure, so I never felt like I was abandoned. In fact, I may be in the minority here, but I never had a desire to have my father in my life. I told my Mother as I got older that I'd like a picture of him, but that was it. In my mind, I had a Dad. I didn't need to go looking for something I already had!
 
I am sorry to hear that your father abandoned you when you were born. My dad never abandon me. He was good father and married to my mom for 19 years until my dad died of cancer.

I am telling you the story about my dad's half lil sister's father left their mother when she was pregnant by Swedish man. She messed up her life and do drug abuse at adulthood. She had trouble with relationship and married. She got divorced twice times.

And my second cousin's deaf son have no father. She had sex with his dad when she was 16. The baby's father abandoned him. Now, He is 7 years old and still have no father. That is sad!

My husband's best friend of guy's mom was raped by his father. He got her pregnancy when she was 15 years old. He abandoned his son when she found it out she was pregnant. She married to man and have 5 kids. Until He became 18 and visited to Florida to meet his bio father. But His dad didn't want do anything for him anymore and being mean to him. He became depress and doing drug. He was kicked out of home and school at age 17. It was sad!
 
Oceanbreeze said:
I would say, Dix, to be as honest with your DD as you can giving her as much age appropriate info as she desires. My father abandoned me when I was six months old and died when I was 13. I never knew him. I did know from the time I was young certain details. My Mother never withheld anything from me. I also had a father figure, so I never felt like I was abandoned. In fact, I may be in the minority here, but I never had a desire to have my father in my life. I told my Mother as I got older that I'd like a picture of him, but that was it. In my mind, I had a Dad. I didn't need to go looking for something I already had!
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Similiar story here. Mum always answered my questions about him and whatever happened in the past.

I don't have a feeling of abandonment, also I had a father figure who is still in my life to this day.

My real father has never expressed interest in maintaining contact with me or my siblings. He passed away two years ago.

Never felt I missed out not having him around. In fact, I was relieved that my mother made the decision not to let me see him, although she did say I could when I was 18. I turned 18 several years ago and never wanted contact.
 
My father left me when I was almost 2. I still remember him.

He is currently talking to my mother. I still havent talked to him. He has hinted he needs kidneys.

Too bad.
 
Found My Biological Father After 40 years??

It's a long story but I 'think' I found my biological father that didn't know I existed. I wrote him a letter and he called immediately. He's in disbelief because he didn't know I existed and can't remember anything from 40 years ago, including my mother since it was a one night encounter. Anyway, I didn't think the process through and to be honest, I thought I would never find him. It's kind of weird because he fits the description but isn't quite sure because it was so long ago. I sent him photos of my mother and hopeful they will spark his memory. He should receive the photos tomorrow. Anyway, I haven't spoken to him in 2 days on the phone, and I miss him already. I don't know what to do, should I wait for him to receive the photos and wait to see if he calls me or should I call him? If I call him, I don't know what to say.:shock:

I haven't been able to sleep thinking about him and I know deep down inside he's my father. I feel it, because his name, hometown, other information all adds up.

Please advise.
 
Steinhauer said:
I would suggest you call him. I have a friend who was in the same situation. He went trying to find his dad when he was ready (he was about 25) and found out his father had died.

Get answers young man. You of all people deserve them. :smash:
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Truly a sad story. Scorpio, I think that your biological dad may have made a mistake and as I have seen with a few people, he may think it is too late too apologize and be in fear of your reaction. I think that initiating contact is okay if you are mentally and emotionally ready. Keep in mind that this might be a good time to clear up any questions or doubts, or simply bring closure because whether it is good or bad; closure is always needed. Scorpio I am sure you are grown and understand that it was not your fault, sometimes grown ups fight and forget that in the middle of their disagreements the ones that are most affected are the children.

Best of luck, remember to call with an open mind. I wish you the best and hats off to your brave mother who took care of you, sounds like she did a wonderful job.
 
I would like to request this thread to be :locked:

The real father has been contacted by the Department of Immigrant in behalf of James, unfortunately, the end didn't not go well as the father did not wish to talk or meet James at all. This ends James's concern to why. He has now moved on. Case closed.

Thank you for all your support and vibes towards to James aka Scorpio
 
Mod note:

Thread locked per OP's request. :locked:
 
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