Physical & sexual violence!!!!!!!!

DGIRL101 - you are doing your best as you can. You are working on getting your boys back. It is a huge battle that you have right now, and you are doing great job; looking up for legal stuff is very stressful. You sacrifice a lot for your children. Your boys are seeing and feeling it. When they grow up and understand better, they will appreciate for every effort you made for them.

I believe you are not alone. You have support system from family and friends, which is very important to you right now.

I have something for you.

“Faith gives us hope.
And hope can make us see.
a vision to believe.
the road to see
Is the one with potential
of what can be.
The greatest of potential
comes with faith
to help make it through
Strong enough to
make it come true
the potential to believe
Only took one to see it
then to achieve it
For all to believe it”


Click links below

Child Custody & Divorce Resources for Iowa

Mother's Rights - Is a page dedicated to you the Mothers, Stepmothers, Grandmothers, Adopted mothers, Women who care about the children. All the children. The children of your womb, the children of your heart. The children you planned to have and the
 
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Reba said:
Sadly, parents aren't teaching (by example) what healthy relationships are to their children. Even having professionals teaching about healthy relationships is not the same as seeing a healthy relationship in action.

I don't understand what you mean about "especially mainstreamed to the max kids" not knowing what a healthy relationship is.
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I'm thinking it is because the parents tend to work so hard on their deaf kids that they don't what's healthy relationship and what's not. Like how my grandfather would punish my grandma for signing with her deaf sister because he was "determined" that she need to use her voice in the family. Kinda controlling in a way. My grandma did pick up his behavior as she can be controlling herself but not as bad, she tried her best not to be like her father, but she married an abuser. he abused her and the kids so she took all her 7 children and left him. she told me how she would protect her kids by doing the work for them when they were too young. She didn't want to see them get punished.

mainstreamed kids don't have all that much self esteem . I myself had a abusive ex-boyfriend, but I left him because I don't put up with people like that. I saw signs, but I ignore it... until I had enough.
 
I am the victim of the abuses, unfortunately. It was long ago which I had no voice at that time.

Now, I would do something if it happens to me like this.
 
DGirl101 said:
See thats the kicker there. I am willing to answer that now. When I left him I placed a restraining order on him, had a legal aid lawyer set it up so that he get parenting classes and a job and all sorts of things. At that time I was not working because of the whole situation, I was living off of FIP and food stamps and any help I could get but it was not enough. I had very little finances to get equipment specially made for the Deaf. I was reported so many times to DHS because of Him, all because he thinks that I am Deaf I am not capable of taking care of my babies.

When I started working, I had to work evening shifts and could not find anyone to take them and he would not allow it. He made threats and I believe him. He knows how to work around things to his advantage, thats part of the manipulation thing. I let the boys live with him in the summer when they finished school with the agreement that they would come back to my house a month before school started, and when I told him that it was time to get them ready to come home, he claimed that he never made that agreement. I spoke to a lawyer after that asking what I should do and he said that I would have to start divorce and custody proceedings.

I have been trying to get a lawyer to get a divorce from him for a LONG time. I went to legal aid and was denied each time due to lack of funding on their part or lack of Lawyers willing to do the divorce and custody cases. Each lawyer I went to all said they wanted a retaining fee, the minimum was 5,000 and the max asked for was 8,000. I asked lawyers online, pleading for help, none answered because I could not pay enough.

My family, my friends, and my sig. other had been calling around also for a lawyer that will help and finally my brother talked to one that would do it for a retainer of 1,000 and payments thereafter. I have the thou already in my pocket.

I go to see her tomorrow. I NEED to get my babies away from him, he is trying to pass on his 'legacy' they are still young enough that they will grow up to be good citizens and respectful of others and to themselves if we get them as much help as possible.

Since he has not let me get the boys back, he has isolated me from them, I dont see them on holidays, or their birthdays, I try to get them every weekend but he claims 'We have plans.' Since he would not let me get the boys back I have been keeping a journal of everything. I have acquaintances that has worked with him and knows how he is and have written afadavits and has signed it before a notary public. I have records from the sherrifs office, I have records at the Caasa Organisation, records from every place I could think of that has to do with this situation. I made arrangements secretely with the school the boys go to, to see what their progress was and how it is now. Their health and well-being, and making sure they are happy is upmost in my mind.

I have to do this very carefully or he will run with them and I don't think I could live with that.

Everyday is hard for me, I cry myself to sleep because I miss them so much.

The key thing is this: If you are a victim of abuse and children are involved, no matter what, whether he/she is a good parent, or not. DO NOT LET THEM HAVE THE CHILDREN LIVE WITH THEM. Don't make the same mistake I did, I pay for it day after day and it hurts.
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Oh my gosh. You have a long hard road ahead. I pray you will win this battle to get your kids back. When you get your kids back then give them big hugs and assure them that you always want them. Have strength and overcome your fears to beat your ex. I hope this lawyer will be a competent one.

Best of luck!
 
Oh my gosh, DGirl101...I hate lawyers...always want so much money up front. I believe if one goes into the legal field for $$, they arent true lawyer.

Here is a big hug from me..I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:
 
Advice for victims during Custoday and Divorce

#1- Do not give the abuser custody of your children, no matter what.

#2- Immediately start divorce and custody, get temporary custody of children.

#3- Keep all records of abuse, restraining orders, organisations that have helped you in your time of need. ANYTHING as proof that you are a victim.

#4- DOCUMENT everything that has happened, even if it seems unwarranted, more documentation of what happens between you and the abuser and children and the abuser. Note all attitudes, reactions, how your children are acting in home and in school, all things children say concerning their visits to abusers house. ANYTHING.

#5- Get witnesses! The more witnesses you have and their affadavits they give you, signed in FRONT OF A NOTARY PUBLIC, will help you.

#6- Be truthful about yourself, even your bad flaws, better now than later as a suprise during your custody case, Judge will view it as not a good thing that you kept quiet, it will be a point against you.

#7- Have people that will help your children on stand by, even if you think the children are not affected by the Divorce and Custody they ARE. They just do not know how to tell you, they keep it to themselves. Get them help so they have someone that is not mom and dad, to listen to them and support them.

#8- If you must, get your house ready for children, make it presentable and SAFE for children, beds to sleep in, dressers for clothes and other things.

#9- If you are low income, go to the nearest DHS and ask for help.

#10- Place a restraining order on abuser, to avoid being contacted or threatened, keep a copy of the record.

#11- Take care of you, important that you do that in order to take care of your children.

#12- Utilize the school to help you during this time, to keep track of your children and give help when needed.
 
to all deaf victims of domestic abuse

there is an organzation in Colorado called Dove that works specifically with the Deaf and teen dating and domestic violence! please contact them if you need help and I am sure if you are not in Colorado they will try to help you get help where you are! They are trained counselors and they work specifically with the Deaf! Deafdove.org
 
iv been sexually assaulted before...i dont talk about it, no one really knows that ar actively in my life, i only talk about it on online forums that no one really knows me from my personal life

i had nightmares from it for months, and i lost the best relationship ive ever had because she thought i wanted him to do shit to me!!! and its not like i didnt try to make it stop from happening, it just pisses me off that i lost someone i loved because i was raped....
 
miles11we said:
iv been sexually assaulted before...i dont talk about it, no one really knows that ar actively in my life, i only talk about it on online forums that no one really knows me from my personal life

i had nightmares from it for months, and i lost the best relationship ive ever had because she thought i wanted him to do shit to me!!! and its not like i didnt try to make it stop from happening, it just pisses me off that i lost someone i loved because i was raped....
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I'm very sorry about your awful experience. :(
 
its ok, i mean ya it sucks and it always will be in my history no matter how much i hate that it is. so why think about it or get depressed about it, ya no?..... i kinda am a counselor for most everyone i know, and just recently iv been getting good at helping myself with my own problems, so ya as long as i dont really think about it to much im ok, stuff happens in life that are out of your hands after they happen so i dont see much reason for worrying about it. but that doesnt mean i think anyone should stay in any type of relationship or situation in witch causes you to feel abused and taken advantage of. i no that for some people its hard to get out of those relationships or situations but sometimes you just have to trust yourself and jump.
 
miles11we said:
its ok, i mean ya it sucks and it always will be in my history no matter how much i hate that it is. so why think about it or get depressed about it, ya no?..... i kinda am a counselor for most everyone i know, and just recently iv been getting good at helping myself with my own problems, so ya as long as i dont really think about it to much im ok, stuff happens in life that are out of your hands after they happen so i dont see much reason for worrying about it. but that doesnt mean i think anyone should stay in any type of relationship or situation in witch causes you to feel abused and taken advantage of. i no that for some people its hard to get out of those relationships or situations but sometimes you just have to trust yourself and jump.
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Did you get professional counseling help?

Was the abuser prosecuted?
 
Sadly, parents aren't teaching (by example) what healthy relationships are to their children. Even having professionals teaching about healthy relationships is not the same as seeing a healthy relationship in action.
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Well in the case with my friend, she was adopted, (and apparently exposed to healthy relationships) but still had the screwed up thinking that screwed up guys were "desireable"


I don't understand what you mean about "especially mainstreamed to the max kids" not knowing what a healthy relationship is.
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B/c generally they don't have a lot of experiance in the arena of social skills. When they get in a sucky relationship, they think " Oh boy! I have a realtionship! " They don't have the abilty to realize if its a good realtionship or a bad one.
 
been there and people who are there to help should NOT judge you because of your beliefs

just because i have my views does not mean that being raped and called a useless mouth and having pills forced down my throat on a daily bases is OK does it?
 
that is awful i am sorry hear about to you not good you avoid, you go to counsellor professinonal strong counselllor suggest research find help you?
 
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