Overcoming extreme shyness as a result of being Deaf?

I'd like to make a couple but I'm not fluent in ASL since I'm Oral Deaf
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Are there any social service agencies for Dhh folks where you live? DEAF Inc here in MA offers ASL for dhh folks who never got a chance to learn ASL. Trust me...a lot of dhh kids never got exposed to Deaf ed stuff b/c of mainstreaming etc.....there are a lot of us out there!
 
Jas - in so many ways, I can relate to your experiences. When I was in high school (oral setting, no sign language allowed, and I'm profoundly deaf) someone asked me why I was shy. I told them - I'm not shy, I'm withdrawn. There's a difference.

In my opinion, what you have described isn't shyness, but a conditioned response to social isolation and poor validation of your identity, your input, and your views from people around you.
 
deafbajagal said:
Jas - in so many ways, I can relate to your experiences. When I was in high school (oral setting, no sign language allowed, and I'm profoundly deaf) someone asked me why I was shy. I told them - I'm not shy, I'm withdrawn. There's a difference.

In my opinion, what you have described isn't shyness, but a conditioned response to social isolation and poor validation of your identity, your input, and your views from people around you.
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Well put.
 
deafbajagal said:
Jas - in so many ways, I can relate to your experiences. When I was in high school (oral setting, no sign language allowed, and I'm profoundly deaf) someone asked me why I was shy. I told them - I'm not shy, I'm withdrawn. There's a difference.

In my opinion, what you have described isn't shyness, but a conditioned response to social isolation and poor validation of your identity, your input, and your views from people around you.
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Now you hit that one right on the head.
you are 100% correct. Although I'd never bad mouth my parents they only did what they were told to do. Even though I put up a fight over it I was the "kid" they were the parents.

My father regrets not allowing me to attend the all Deaf school we have here in atlanta.

As for social services for the Deaf in my area there is one. I got my new HAs from them but had no idea they offer ASL for free. I will check that out. Would love to learn. I have several books but it's just not the same.
 
My father regrets not allowing me to attend the all Deaf school we have here in atlanta.
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Mine too.......they still say I should have gone to Deaf School. I wish experts told parents to be child centered....like expose kids to different placements and methodologies to see which one is good for them. Kids don't know about deaf schools or the fact that with ASL you can talk in crowds or non one on one situtions!
 
Jaspheth said:
I so want to communicate with those around me but everytime I decide to say hello to someone I just end up looking like a total goof ball, weirdo because I'm so shy as a result of how I was treated. I'm quite submissive and hate being this way but with family I'm the complete opposite. Typically, I have to work up the nerve to engage someone in a conversation and before I do so I will reherse what I'm going to say to the person before I say it. It's like a mini movie playing in my head and typically I'll see them laughing back at me although they are not. I try so hard to make myself clear, understood that I actually end up sounding the complete opposite because I try too hard and then they really think I'm stupid :laugh2:after total embarrassment I just saunter away and keep to myself the rest of the day or just chose not to speak at all to anyone.
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Dang, but it's not your fault, right? So tell them straight up your situation and if they don't accept (you), then move on. It's likely they won't even sit down with you and have you explain to them your situation.
 
what you have described isn't shyness, but a conditioned response to social isolation and poor validation of your identity, your input, and your views from people around you.
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Right on. I used to be wicked shy until I was 14, and attended an AMAZING hearing camp. (baiscly just like a res school, we have alumni day and reunion and an alum association) I still have a lot of social emotional issues, and HUGE self esteem issues too....and SO much of it was due to being an auditory verbaled mainstreamed to the max kid.
I also know SO many girls who are SO emotionally insecure and immature b/c they never got the advantage of a vibrant social life through ASL and Deaf culture. Oh the stories I could tell! :(
 
deafdyke said:
Right on. I used to be wicked shy until I was 14, and attended an AMAZING hearing camp. (baiscly just like a res school, we have alumni day and reunion and an alum association) I still have a lot of social emotional issues, and HUGE self esteem issues too....and SO much of it was due to being an auditory verbaled mainstreamed to the max kid.
I also know SO many girls who are SO emotionally insecure and immature b/c they never got the advantage of a vibrant social life through ASL and Deaf culture. Oh the stories I could tell! :(
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Holy shit. We're not shy. It's just we grew up, barely communicating with strain to the majority of the hearing. Hard life.
 
sometimes I am shy on nervous many time deaf community normal deaf and hearing pretty lots of not easy! that is why!
 
KristinaB said:
For me it's a matter of becoming more and more shy and insecure as I get older and more so since I lost my hearing. I was always hoh, but am now total deaf and more and more shy. I used to be very outgoing and would seek people out and things like that. I used to be a social butterfly.
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I'm the same way, I was very social, yet down to earth kinda kid, outgoing and stuff (which I still am with people I'm comfortable with). But if I'm in a room with people talking and I'm supposed to be in on the conversation I struggle with trying to keep up sometimes and I get embarrassed.
 
Hmm, for some people, overcoming shyness is hard when they are not even deaf...hmm, I don't think that this can be solved without the help a of psycho-therapist
 
koprik said:
Hmm, for some people, overcoming shyness is hard when they are not even deaf...hmm, I don't think that this can be solved without the help a of psycho-therapist
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Psychologist? I've heard of a method that can work. Basically you subject the person to what they fear most, make them confront it. I've met a few hearies that have actually tried this approach with me i.e. not allowing me to be my shy self and get away with it such as-putting themselves in front of me so I would HAVE to notice they are there or give a smile or hi. It's uncomfortable but after a while of this same person doing this I find myself more and more less nervous socially. You gotta chase me down sometimes :roll: and some people just give up trying.

I'm not sure how a therapist can help me in this area. It all boils down to the kind of person I'm around. If the person is an asshole I'll revert back to being the hermit crab. If the person accepts my Deafness and speaks to me in a normal tone and doesn't flap their arms about like a damn monkey pointing to this and that as if I cannot understand...I may give that person a smile, maybe even get brave enough to approach the person to ask a mundane question.

case in point: there's this really good looking rob zombie look alike guy at work ( his looks are besides the point ). I wasn't sure if he was a typical hearie or not so I never said a word to him and just would ignore him and everyone else I don't know at work until I feel them out to gauge if it's "safe" to allow myself to talk to the person. Some people I just cannot talk to without feeling bad afterwards about myself. Well, I think he's aware of the shy issue because he's tried to get me to laugh a few times put me at ease and finally it worked and I mustered up the courage to teach him a few ASL signs for a Deaf dog he's fostering, shockingly he spoke to me in a normal tone and didn't seem to have any issues understanding me when I spoke so that put me at ease. There are certain people at work I talk to and certain ones I don't for obvious reasons.

The only issue though is that after getting comfortable talking to someone new the next time I see them it's as if I have to start over again with myself just to say HI. There's another dude at work thats made a point to engage me in a conversation which I totally appreciate. He told me that I didn't sound Deaf to him and I taught him a few signs too so I think I'm making some progress or rather maybe the people I work with are making progress...finally after being there for 10 years. :eek3:

There are a couple of Females at work that have tried the same tatic with me and it's worked and the ones that actually "try" to communicate with me with no bias are the ones I'll respond to. I guess I can even go so far as to say that at least one of them I'm kinda friends with :hmm: but regardless I'm still very much reserved and whatever happy face I put on or smile or laughter isn't always how I really feel.

Everyone at work believe it or not just thinks I'm such a happy person because I never seem sad or depressed and always seem cheery with those who talk to me but its the complete opposite. I don't show my real feelings, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I've made myself hard to read as a result of that. I write music and it speaks for itself please listen to the Deaf Song-it's my life put into sound. Reverbnation.com/jaspheth.

regardless of how many people try to get to know me-they never will.
I'm not saying these people at work are wasting their time trying but I liken myself to a screen door. I used this analogy once with someone else who asked me why I wouldn't let him inside my heart.

I hide behind a screen door. you must first open the steel door that is in front of the screen. If you hurt me, you will never get the key to the screen door...ever.

years of being hurt, killed, judged for being Deaf have created the screen door. Think a hearing person can fix that? No. They can try but you will only see what I want you to see.

thats me in a nutshell...I guess. I don't think a psychologist can fix this. It'll have to be me.
 
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deafbajagal said:
You wrote Deaf Song?
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Yes. Played it on Piano.
I've been playing piano since I was 5.
most don't believe me that I can play music because I'm Deaf but yes, I did write "The Deaf Song". It's about how I feel being Deaf.

I also wrote " Decembers Kiss ".
For twilights freedom I played all the sounds on keyboard hooked up to a computer through a music program. The other songs were programmed on a computer and not played with a keyboard.

the picture I'm using with a microphone with two hearing aids hanging down is symbolic of not having a voice. So the music IS my voice.
 
Jaspheth said:
Yes. Played it on Piano.
I've been playing piano since I was 5.
most don't believe me that I can play music because I'm Deaf but yes, I did write "The Deaf Song". It's about how I feel being Deaf.

I also wrote " Decembers Kiss ".
For twilights freedom I played all the sounds on keyboard hooked up to a computer through a music program. The other songs were programmed on a computer and not played with a keyboard.

the picture I'm using with a microphone with two hearing aids hanging down is symbolic of not having a voice. So the music IS my voice.
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That's awesome. I'm afraid I have very little talent in that dept. People leave the room when I play the piano. :giggle: I've met Deaf from Deaf families who could play it better than me and I come from a musical family.
 
Jaspheth said:
Psychologist? I've heard of a method that can work. Basically you subject the person to what they fear most, make them confront it. I've met a few hearies that have actually tried this approach with me i.e. not allowing me to be my shy self and get away with it such as-putting themselves in front of me so I would HAVE to notice they are there or give a smile or hi. It's uncomfortable but after a while of this same person doing this I find myself more and more less nervous socially. You gotta chase me down sometimes :roll: and some people just give up trying.

I'm not sure how a therapist can help me in this area. It all boils down to the kind of person I'm around. If the person is an asshole I'll revert back to being the hermit crab. If the person accepts my Deafness and speaks to me in a normal tone and doesn't flap their arms about like a damn monkey pointing to this and that as if I cannot understand...I may give that person a smile, maybe even get brave enough to approach the person to ask a mundane question.

case in point: there's this really good looking rob zombie look alike guy at work ( his looks are besides the point ). I wasn't sure if he was a typical hearie or not so I never said a word to him and just would ignore him and everyone else I don't know at work until I feel them out to gauge if it's "safe" to allow myself to talk to the person. Some people I just cannot talk to without feeling bad afterwards about myself. Well, I think he's aware of the shy issue because he's tried to get me to laugh a few times put me at ease and finally it worked and I mustered up the courage to teach him a few ASL signs for a Deaf dog he's fostering, shockingly he spoke to me in a normal tone and didn't seem to have any issues understanding me when I spoke so that put me at ease. There are certain people at work I talk to and certain ones I don't for obvious reasons.

The only issue though is that after getting comfortable talking to someone new the next time I see them it's as if I have to start over again with myself just to say HI. There's another dude at work thats made a point to engage me in a conversation which I totally appreciate. He told me that I didn't sound Deaf to him and I taught him a few signs too so I think I'm making some progress or rather maybe the people I work with are making progress...finally after being there for 10 years. :eek3:

There are a couple of Females at work that have tried the same tatic with me and it's worked and the ones that actually "try" to communicate with me with no bias are the ones I'll respond to. I guess I can even go so far as to say that at least one of them I'm kinda friends with :hmm: but regardless I'm still very much reserved and whatever happy face I put on or smile or laughter isn't always how I really feel.

Everyone at work believe it or not just thinks I'm such a happy person because I never seem sad or depressed and always seem cheery with those who talk to me but its the complete opposite. I don't show my real feelings, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and I've made myself hard to read as a result of that. I write music and it speaks for itself please listen to the Deaf Song-it's my life put into sound. Reverbnation.com/jaspheth.

regardless of how many people try to get to know me-they never will.
I'm not saying these people at work are wasting their time trying but I liken myself to a screen door. I used this analogy once with someone else who asked me why I wouldn't let him inside my heart.

I hide behind a screen door. you must first open the steel door that is in front of the screen. If you hurt me, you will never get the key to the screen door...ever.

years of being hurt, killed, judged for being Deaf have created the screen door. Think a hearing person can fix that? No. They can try but you will only see what I want you to see.

thats me in a nutshell...I guess. I don't think a psychologist can fix this. It'll have to be me.
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There was some words and phrases I didn't understand--too lazy to get out dictionary--, but holy shit lol.

I think you need to find what you like best and meet people with the same interests as you. You're not allowing people to know you deeply because you... don't know yourself well enough?
 
Jaspheth, you could try this: Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup and type in your town and "deaf" as an interest/topic. I checked as I think you are still in Atlanta and found there are 500 members for the ASL Friends in Roswell, GA. You could type in what ever your interest is like music, etc. Time that you get out more often.

As for the excerising, I like to park my treadmill in front of the TV. I would pick a movie from Hulu as I don't have cable. I like doing this way so to engage my mind while exercising. I am thinking about buying an ereader and read it while exercising. The ereader would need to have a big font.
 
Jaspheth said:
:wave: I figured the older I get the better I'd be able to...
be a social butterfly? I've found however that this isn't the case. I went through literal hell growing up Deaf. Being mocked, bullied for my speech issues. So much to the point that now as a 29 year old woman I do not have a single friend by choice. I do not think true friends exist. Sad I know but I'm getting tired of subjecting myself to this kind of lifestyle but everytime I become jubilant, social with those I've just met or even with those at work I will get shut down like I have in the past and as a result this brings back all the trauma I've experienced and I revert back to being a teenager and cry in the bathroom. It's silly for me as old as I am to be doing this. It's not my fault I am Deaf, it is not my fault that my speech is not understood sometimes by others and that I'm shunned because I'm Deaf by the hearing that are around me. I feel totally misunderstood. I may speak slow but my mind is sharp...:laugh2: argh!

I so want to communicate with those around me but everytime I decide to say hello to someone I just end up looking like a total goof ball, weirdo because I'm so shy as a result of how I was treated. I'm quite submissive and hate being this way but with family I'm the complete opposite. Typically, I have to work up the nerve to engage someone in a conversation and before I do so I will reherse what I'm going to say to the person before I say it. It's like a mini movie playing in my head and typically I'll see them laughing back at me although they are not. I try so hard to make myself clear, understood that I actually end up sounding the complete opposite because I try too hard and then they really think I'm stupid :laugh2:after total embarrassment I just saunter away and keep to myself the rest of the day or just chose not to speak at all to anyone.

It's very fusterating...and this happens more than I'd like. I'm not ashamed to be Deaf but the stigma attached to it-it's what hurts the most. Not having a voice, not being heard.

How to overcome the shyness and brush off the hearies that put me there to begin with? How do you deal?

the song "time" from inception...
that's what it feels like if that makes sense. The best way I can explain how it feels is through that song.:roll: ( I'm an artist-write music, poems..so art I identify with alot) If you haven't heard the song look it up on youtube.com.

anyone else with this problem too?

S.
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I have had a very similar situation such as yours growing up. I had many so called "friends" just burn me from the inside out. I decided, I didn't need any friends. I do not let people get "close" to me anymore, but I am not exactly as shy as I was.

I have different friends now, almost all my close friends are Deaf or HoH. Of all the hearing friends I grew up with, I am still close to just one. He learned to sign.
 
almost all my close friends are Deaf or HoH
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I had some great experiances like when I went to hearing camp (pretty much my res school) but I have to say that I feel a very strong bond with so many mainstreamed and raised oral as kids adults on here, that I don't with hearing people.
 
deafdyke said:
I had some great experiances like when I went to hearing camp (pretty much my res school) but I have to say that I feel a very strong bond with so many mainstreamed and raised oral as kids adults on here, that I don't with hearing people.
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Because each of us had similar experiences that cannot be explained to those who never experienced it ;)
 
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