Need Help, Hearing/Deaf couple

K

KandysMan

New Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2007
Messages
7
Reaction score
0
Hi everyone, my name is Daniel. I am currently involved in an online relationship with a very sweet girl, whom I love very much. We have been talking online for over 260 days, and soon we are to finally meet. She went deaf a little over a year ago, lost her hearing completely. She is extremely insecure about her hearing, which is understandable. I am a little afraid about what to expect, once we do meet. I know that the majority of hearing/deaf couples break up because of lack of communication problems. I am afraid that our relationship will turn out like that too, and I do not want it to happen. Could anyone out there please help me out? I am a hearing man, 19 years old, and this is my first relationship, ever. She is the first girl I have ever fallen in love with and I am not sure how to deal with her being deaf. I suppose I won't find out how it will be until we actually meet. We actually plan on living together soon. When ever I talk with her about her being deaf, and how I am supposed to cope with it; she gives up on herself and feels that I may be better off with another girl. I don't want another girl, I just want to make this relationship last. What should I do?
 
Live together soon? Eek... that's a big step!

I wouldn't recommend that.

As for communication, talk with her first. See how that goes.
 
Just be yourself ok Just relaxed and understand to know with her.:):)

My deaf cousin married his hearing husband for over 30 years now! :):)
 
KandysMan: I'm Deaf & when I was 18, I met my now husband who is hearing. We started dating when we were 19. I, too had been afraid that our relationship wouldn't last due to communication problems, but so far it's been 9 yrs and we're still going strong!

I would recommend on waiting at least a year before living together, you've yet to meet her IRL anyways- you need to see first how you two get along IRL anyways. . . after that, if all is well then go do what you want. :)

Good luck!
 
Thanks a lot for all of your input. It really does help. Deafmamma78, your kind of advice is exactly what I was looking for; someone who has actually been there and made it work. I'll admit, I am skeptical about living together just yet. I do want to see how its going to work out first, and actually get to know her IRL. She is very afraid that I may not feel the same way about her, once we are together. I'll take your advice Phillips, and try to just be myself, and relax.. get to know her. I just hope my nerves don't get the best of me.
 
Best to take it slow she has gone through alot and its nice that you are not looking at her disability but at a way of better communication. I must say as my husband deaf by marriage(meaning me,not him) as I just lost the rest of my hearing last year it takes a toll on the best relationships.You must be paitent. It will be easier to communicate with her without background noise all of us seem to have problems with it and need a quiet area to hear. Read some posts here and you will learn alot,I sure have.Good Luck!
 
Update

Ok everyone, I'm really fucking things up now. I'm not sure if I said it before or not, but this is my FIRST RELATIONSHIP! And Good God I'm scared! College is coming up. I don't want to continue in the field I am in. I'm trying ot move towards psychology. That might require a change in schools. I'm not even sure if I can do that or not.

Anyways, thats not the problem. I'm scared to death just w/ being a boyfriend. I don't know how to do it.. I'm probably just worrying too much. I really want to make this relationship last, but being as it is online, and we haven't met yet.. I'm worried about how to do it in real life. Any suggestions? I haven't even had my first kiss yet people. So, anything would help.

Thanks
 
being a boyfriend isnt hard. im sure your mother taught you all the skills required, you've jsut never had to use them. be polite, use your manners, think of her feelings, and be yourself.

think of fun things you guys can do together, taking into account that she is deaf. that doesn't sound too limiting, but try finding a Open Captioned moving on a friday night, or taking a guided tour somewhere.

dont order for her in a restraunt unless she asks, and dont try and interpret everything anyone says, unless she asks.

seperate your school life and your home life, dont bring school stress and problems home, and dont bring home stress or anxiety to school, keep those worlds seperate, that will serve you well througout your life.

kissing and sex are natural to be stressed about, she is prolly stressed as well. dont rush anything, it will happen when its supposed to, this includes kissing. you will know when its right.

ive had an online relationship that changed into a real life relationship, you never truely know someone until you meet them in person. that said, it can go either way. you will feel akward, but it will pass quickly. i wouldn't advise moving in together immediately.....count your relationship from the day you meet in person, not how long you have been talking to each other. if you meet and after a short time you two feel comfortable, go for it. people roommate with complete strangers all the time, so its not like its marriage.

thats all i can think of off the top of my head.

good luck, and most of all.....relax
 
Don't encourage her to become dependent on you, because she is deaf, otherwise it becomes an unhealthy relationship and eventually when she is older and more confident she might want to break away from dependency. Encourage her to make use of equipment and services for deaf people such as relay. It sounds like she is still very affected by what happened to her so as I suggested in my other post I think you should suggest she have counselling to help her adjust to her new circumstances.

Good luck - it sounds like you care very much for her.

PS I agree with the others about not moving in too soon. That will encourage her to become too dependent on you and you both need breathing space.
 
Well, we have been married for 25 years now and been together for 29 years. He is hearing and I am deaf. We are still love each other very much even thou we are in pain the neck sometime to each other which it is normal for any relationship.

Just being yourself and enjoy her. :)
 
R2D2 said:
Don't encourage her to become dependent on you, because she is deaf, otherwise it becomes an unhealthy relationship and eventually when she is older and more confident she might want to break away from dependency. Encourage her to make use of equipment and services for deaf people such as relay. It sounds like she is still very affected by what happened to her so as I suggested in my other post I think you should suggest she have counselling to help her adjust to her new circumstances.

Good luck - it sounds like you care very much for her.

PS I agree with the others about not moving in too soon. That will encourage her to become too dependent on you and you both need breathing space.
Click to expand...

Agreed! It is the worst thing u can do is allowing her becoming dependent on u fully. Yes, in a relationship, we are all dependent on each other in some ways especially for emotional support which is normal but when one is completely dependent on the other, then it could become a problem. I am deaf and my husband is hearing..he signs with me so communication is not an issue.
 
I understood you cope with her being deaf. I advise you to get know her at least one year.. When the time is right, you will go and talk to her. Let me know how it goes.. Good luck
 
Kay well I'll try to help you out. My boyfriend is deaf & we've been dating for 3 years, & everything has been chipper. He's 18 & I'm turning 17 in October. Occassionally we have our little tiffs, but as far as communication skills we rarely have a problem with that. Aww it's your first relationship how cute, okay well since you're new at it I'll give you some advice, us girls absoultely fucking hate insecurity, so none of that "What's wrong?", "Are you okay, are you mad at me?" crap.

=)
 
Last edited:
I can't say to take it slow and not to move in with each other. I am hearing and wife is deaf(the marriage through deaf on mine as well). My wife I only knew each other for 6 months before we got married. We where together and known each other for only 4 months before we moved in together too. Also, I didn't know any asl when I met my wife. Only the ABCs. We still in our newlywed stage in our marriage, which supprises everyone and I have a lot of deaf ppl that think I am deaf or HH myself now.

It is also been over 6 years since we met and almost 6 years since we got married. I have the whole story on how my wife and I met somewhere in AD land. I am not sure where it is now, but it is there. I also have it as a blog on myspace.

Well, let me get back on the subject. Everyone can say this or that and tell you to do it or it won't work. Only thing I have to say, their advise is as helpful as telling you to stand on 1 leg, let 1 hand pointing north while the other pointing east. Make sure you are facing south to start with and have the other leg poing west. It might help, or it might not.

Only thing that will work if you be yourself and don't put her down. Let her know that her being deaf is not a problem and a disablity, but advantage on her side.
 
Back
Top