VirgoHearie
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- Joined
- Apr 15, 2008
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i am happy to have found this site and this particular forum especially. finally i don't feel so alone.
a bit about me: i've always been passionate about different cultures and languages, and am a native speaker of spanish. after teaching for 10 years in public school, i decided to change careers. i was inspired to turn to learning ASL, remembering how long i've wanted to become fluent. i started formal ASL study last year and want to work as an interpreter and advocate in the Deaf Community.
now, what brought me here: this is about my wonderful, yet, brief, first experience dating a Deaf man. we ended recently after only 3 months. it's been only a few weeks but i can't stop thinking about him and hoping he'll let me in and i keep hoping he'll show at my door step and the hurt runs deep. i still do believe in the love we started to share. but the hope is killing me too.
i met him in january this year. i wasn't looking to meet anyone romantically. just out at a Deaf social. anyway, our love grew fast and deep.
in hindsight (being 20/20), i realize i had fallen for a man that had been separated from a 3 year relat. since july 07 and in the middle of divorce. yes, we went fast emotionally. yes, i see how i set myself up choosing someone in the middle of divorce. i thought he had processed it more thoroughly. i think now that was more hopeful thinking on my part, denial even.
i had been swayed with our passionate connection, thinking it could carry us thru. we shared many "firsts" together. it was wonderful, fun, intense... but after this initial "honeymoon", reality started to hit hard. the more our love grew, the more he pulled away. until he was hardly around. his friends noticed a difference too. he told me he was depressed. he had a lot of stress besides the divorce. i believe being around me started becoming difficult for him because that meant he would have to "feel" and he wasn't ready for that or didn't know how to cope with the feelings of grief he still clearly had to face. he was served with divorce papers the week before valentine's day. he was struggling still with the divorce, blaming himself, not understanding... the word 'marriage' for him was ugly, understandably.
and, in contrast, on my end, i'm thinking, at the age of 44, i had finally met a man i could envision a life and family with. i loved the emotional bond we shared. love-making was the most amazing. and i loved sharing this new language and culture i was learning about. i was thrilled and so happy!
but. the more he pulled away, the more i gave my patience, trust & faith. i gave him the space and time he asked for. i came to accept canceled plans. we went from seeing each other regularly to, if i was lucky, once a week on a work night. it was three months since i had met him. i struggled with the classic questions of how long to stick it out; is he with another; how long is enough...etc. we communicated and he reassured me time and time again there was no one else. it was depression. and he didn't want me to be around that bad mean side of him. i reassured him i could take care of myself. to give me a chance to love all of him.
the last month was so painful for me. i was crying more and more. and since "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" i was reluctantly becoming fiercely strong. then one friday he canceled plans again because he felt depressed, he said. this time i said, "nope, i'm coming up. if you were only my friend i would do the same." he threatened to end us if i went up. i told him, "go ahead, i'll sacrifice my lover to be a friend." a few hours later i arrived. we made that eye contact that melts away our tensions. we smiled. we pretend fist-fought. he teased about my defiance. we actually had a sweet evening. but that night i needed for him to tell me he wanted me to stay the night. i asked him twice, "you want me to stay tonight where?" he said he wanted me to do what i felt comfortable with. so i left. (that was so hard to do. i'm trying to change habits of behavior that have not served me well in the past.)
but the distance continued. for the first time, i didn't hear from him for days. i got so angry i started packing his things that were at my place. and a week later, i decided to go to his place to get my things and deliver his. my entire body was literally shaking as i cried explaining that "this was not a relationship because we had stopped relating." we both cried. this was all very new behavior for me. my habit would have had me stay longer until the pain became unbearable. i've written him since several times offering supportive book titles and loving words. i was scared i made the wrong decision. and writing now, helps me see even more clearly and feel better about my action.
i'm grateful for our intensity because it helped us get to the ending faster. i don't believe had we slowed down that it would have helped. i believe it would only have prolonged my agony. i'd rather pull of a bandaid fast and get it overwith, rather then take my time peeling it off bit by bit.
so all this brings me to some observations as to why this ending after only 3 months has had such an impact and continues to be so painful: 1. he was my first experience with a Deaf person; 2. he was the first person i could see having a child with; 3. when i'm ready again, i can only see myself and only want to date a Deaf person.
does this make sense???
a bit about me: i've always been passionate about different cultures and languages, and am a native speaker of spanish. after teaching for 10 years in public school, i decided to change careers. i was inspired to turn to learning ASL, remembering how long i've wanted to become fluent. i started formal ASL study last year and want to work as an interpreter and advocate in the Deaf Community.
now, what brought me here: this is about my wonderful, yet, brief, first experience dating a Deaf man. we ended recently after only 3 months. it's been only a few weeks but i can't stop thinking about him and hoping he'll let me in and i keep hoping he'll show at my door step and the hurt runs deep. i still do believe in the love we started to share. but the hope is killing me too.
i met him in january this year. i wasn't looking to meet anyone romantically. just out at a Deaf social. anyway, our love grew fast and deep.
in hindsight (being 20/20), i realize i had fallen for a man that had been separated from a 3 year relat. since july 07 and in the middle of divorce. yes, we went fast emotionally. yes, i see how i set myself up choosing someone in the middle of divorce. i thought he had processed it more thoroughly. i think now that was more hopeful thinking on my part, denial even.
i had been swayed with our passionate connection, thinking it could carry us thru. we shared many "firsts" together. it was wonderful, fun, intense... but after this initial "honeymoon", reality started to hit hard. the more our love grew, the more he pulled away. until he was hardly around. his friends noticed a difference too. he told me he was depressed. he had a lot of stress besides the divorce. i believe being around me started becoming difficult for him because that meant he would have to "feel" and he wasn't ready for that or didn't know how to cope with the feelings of grief he still clearly had to face. he was served with divorce papers the week before valentine's day. he was struggling still with the divorce, blaming himself, not understanding... the word 'marriage' for him was ugly, understandably.
and, in contrast, on my end, i'm thinking, at the age of 44, i had finally met a man i could envision a life and family with. i loved the emotional bond we shared. love-making was the most amazing. and i loved sharing this new language and culture i was learning about. i was thrilled and so happy!
but. the more he pulled away, the more i gave my patience, trust & faith. i gave him the space and time he asked for. i came to accept canceled plans. we went from seeing each other regularly to, if i was lucky, once a week on a work night. it was three months since i had met him. i struggled with the classic questions of how long to stick it out; is he with another; how long is enough...etc. we communicated and he reassured me time and time again there was no one else. it was depression. and he didn't want me to be around that bad mean side of him. i reassured him i could take care of myself. to give me a chance to love all of him.
the last month was so painful for me. i was crying more and more. and since "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" i was reluctantly becoming fiercely strong. then one friday he canceled plans again because he felt depressed, he said. this time i said, "nope, i'm coming up. if you were only my friend i would do the same." he threatened to end us if i went up. i told him, "go ahead, i'll sacrifice my lover to be a friend." a few hours later i arrived. we made that eye contact that melts away our tensions. we smiled. we pretend fist-fought. he teased about my defiance. we actually had a sweet evening. but that night i needed for him to tell me he wanted me to stay the night. i asked him twice, "you want me to stay tonight where?" he said he wanted me to do what i felt comfortable with. so i left. (that was so hard to do. i'm trying to change habits of behavior that have not served me well in the past.)
but the distance continued. for the first time, i didn't hear from him for days. i got so angry i started packing his things that were at my place. and a week later, i decided to go to his place to get my things and deliver his. my entire body was literally shaking as i cried explaining that "this was not a relationship because we had stopped relating." we both cried. this was all very new behavior for me. my habit would have had me stay longer until the pain became unbearable. i've written him since several times offering supportive book titles and loving words. i was scared i made the wrong decision. and writing now, helps me see even more clearly and feel better about my action.
i'm grateful for our intensity because it helped us get to the ending faster. i don't believe had we slowed down that it would have helped. i believe it would only have prolonged my agony. i'd rather pull of a bandaid fast and get it overwith, rather then take my time peeling it off bit by bit.
so all this brings me to some observations as to why this ending after only 3 months has had such an impact and continues to be so painful: 1. he was my first experience with a Deaf person; 2. he was the first person i could see having a child with; 3. when i'm ready again, i can only see myself and only want to date a Deaf person.
does this make sense???
I'm not sure how we can help you, though. I'm glad you had such a terrific beginning in your first relationship with a Deaf man. I'm sorry he wasn't...mature enough, or ready enough to treat you as you should be treated. I guess my only advice is, just keep on truckin'. Keep going to the Deaf socials, just have fun. 
