My Dad's view on ASL, deafness and CI.

Wow, that is great and I am very happy that you got it out in the air and out of the closet knowing how shock you found out what been going on between your Dad and Mom in the past. Boy, I wish I could have ask my Mom and my Dad about what they have felt about me being deaf when I was a newborn baby and growing up. Problem is they went to the grave with their secret thoughts. So I was not lucky, just to have a moment to find out. Like your Dad said that if the hearing person don't use sign language, then this person is really nuts. I really hate having the parents listen to the "experts" like doctors and audiologists plus oralists to tell them that Deaf/deaf/hard of hearing should speak. We really need to educate them and letting them know we really need visual ASL. Gawd, don't they get it every time we try to tell them. They just won't listen. It is very exhausting listening to the hearing people who are againest ASL. I wish many hearing people will read your post. :gpost:
 
Glad your parents are willing do anything for you and your brother..
Amazing!
If suppose Doctor feed your parent and putting you position.. you will not be here.
eh?
Feel that way funny?
 
Wow, Shel!!!! I have noticed that there are a lot of parents of dhh kids of our generation ('70's and 80's) who intially thought that it would be an awesome idea for their kids to learn ASL, but who were dissauded by professionals.
My parents started learning ASL for me, but were pressured into dropping it by the professionals. My parents ALSO say that they should have stuck with it.
AllI can say is FUCK oral-only and AG Bell!
 
shel90 said:
Hello everyone...my dad flew out from AZ for a 4 day visit starting on January 1st. Right now, he is working on fixing my basement so I am taking the opportunity to create this thread.

In the past, I have always said my dad was another story when it came to meeting my deaf needs. I thought he was in denial and didnt want to face it. I was wrong...big time wrong. I hadnt seen him for 2 years and the last few times, I saw him was when I was visiting in AZ so we were always around people which didnt give us a chance to really sit down and catch up. Well, he came here alone so we caught up a lot!

Ok, on Tuesday night, my dad, my hubby and I were just relaxing at the dining room table chatting away. My husband loves to ask people about the past so of course, he brought up topics of how he met my mom and blah blah. Well, my hubby did ask him the question of how he felt when he found out I was diagnosed with a profound hearing loss. Here is what my dad said and what I had no idea about.

My dad said that when he and my mom first found out that I was deaf, immediately, he wanted to put me in a signing program cuz he always thought deaf people can only communicate through ASL. He said he didnt think badly of ASL and said was willing to learn for me (and later for my brother). However, he said once the doctors fed my mom all the bullshit about making my brother and I normal as possible things became ugly. They told her that we need to be put in an intensive oral-only program to develop speech skills and to forbid to teach us sign language. My dad said when my mom told him that, he was shocked and said that didnt make sense. I asked him why he thought that. He said "How the hell can you learn to speak and expect to understand others when you cant hear? It is like asking a blind person to read a book without brialle." He was against it. When he told me that, I was like :jaw: I said "WHAT??? Why didnt u put me in a signing program?" He said that my mom kept pushing him and kept telling him that the doctors and audis are the experts not him. They fought and fought a lot about that and he finally gave up cuz he wasnt confident with his opinions and figured that the "experts" knew best. I almost cried when he told me that. I was like "OMG" . I am about to get all teary-eye as I am typing this.

My dad said when my brother was born, immediately he had a hearing test done on him. Deaf ..my dad said he wasnt too upset. He told my hubby that he thought..."ok, we will adapt and do what we can. Not the end of the world" However, he said that my mom didnt help at all cuz she went into a deep depression and became obsessed that God was punishing her. My mom used to go to church and believe in God. After my brother's diagnosis, she stopped going and stopped believing in God. My dad told stories of my mom's personality changing and she went into rages of breaking things in the house and asking "WHY??" Also, she became obsessed that God had something against her cuz he made her suffer by having 2 deaf kids when her sisters had hearing and normal kids.That drove my dad to work longer hours and to stay out at bars with his buds cuz at home, it was too stressful.

My dad said he could never understand forcing deaf children to speak and not teach them sign language. He wanted to learn it but my mom refused to let him cuz she was afraid that it would make both of us abnormal. He said that when it was apparent that my brother was struggling to pick up on spoken language, my mom was constantly told by the experts to give it time and he will learn it. My dad said he did try to tell my mom that my brother was struggling but she wouldnt hear of it. He said that my mom used to obsess about my brother not being able to develop speech skills and used to blame it on herself for not trying hard enough. When it was finally apparent that my brother would be better off going to the Deaf school at the age of 5, my dad said he felt a sense of relief. He admitted that he was surprised by how well I did in an oral-only environment. He always asked my mom if I was ok and my mom would tell him to stop worrying about it and that I am fine. My dad admitted that he really didnt have a good feeling about putting me in an environment where I was forced to use my "broken" ears (his words, not mine...lol).

I told him the truth about how I felt and he was like "Goddammmit! I should have been more assertive but your mom's need for you and your brother was too overwhelming for me to handle and like a coward, I ran away instead of facing her." Wow! He has a lot of regrets but the good news is, he is trying to learn sign language.

My hubby told him that my brother expressed to him how he feels about being left out at our family gatherings. My dad said he tried to get my brother involved but he is not sure how to do it. I will have to talk to my brother. My dad had been aware of how left out my brother has been at family gatherings. That is good at least.

Then, my dad brought up cochlear implants and guess what? He and my hubby went on a tongue lashing about them. My dad is against them...he calls them "barbaric". He said children who are born deaf shouldnt be forced to be like their parents and just accept their deafness and learn sign language. Let the children decide for themselves if they want a CI later or not. My hubby said he agreeed....they both went on and on making mean CI jokes (not going to post here cuz some of them are offensive). I was shocked that my dad felt that way about CIs. I asked him if he lost his hearing completely, what would he do. He said, he will learn ASL and force his wife and hearing kids to learn ASL for him. LOL! THAT I didnt expect from my dad!!! I totally thought he was against ASL and in denial about our deafness. Wow!

Damn these fucking "experts"...damn them. Now, I hate oralists and AGBell even more. I almost was put in a signing program. Damn...

My mom already told me about 5 years ago that she regrets for listening to the doctors and wished she had learned ASL so that had been solved but I am glad to learn that my dad tried.

He did take 2 ASL classes with his 2nd wife when I was a teenager. I didnt know that!!! Damn...

So many lost opportunities so I hope parents of young deaf children dont do the same.
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:gpost: Shel,

You took my breath away on this posting, my friend! As you know, my mother wanted me to attend the deaf school here in Minnesota, but my dad said, "No! Costs money!" After reading and learning here that it would have been at state expense (including transportation to and from), I told him about a year ago when we talked about it. He has apologized for and regrets that remark, as hunting had been his priority while my two older brothers and I were growing up and sacrificed for that only, most of the time at the family expense.

I'm sure if I met your dad and he met Snickers, he'd even say, "Now if that doesn't look like a hearing dog!" A lady told me that a year ago Thanksgiving Day in a truckstop just east of Missoula, Montana, as I was coming out of a shower room. In fact, she went on to say that, "Even a moron would know that's a hearing dog!" Made me smile and it made my day! I went back to Missoula for Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant that was closed, but a local group had rented it out to feed people free of charge. I didn't get hassle there at all!

Kudos to your dad and be sure to show him my blog, shel!
 
wow, I love your story! your story make me tear. I remember that school forced me wear hearing aids that I didnt like. They didn't allow me learn sign language when I was about 5 years old. Finally school changed so they allowed me learn sign language when I was about 7 years olds.
 
What a wonderful story!!! Its similar to what my mother said to me recently. When I was diagnosed at three years old, she said she wanted me to learn sign. The doctors told her I would stop talking if I learned sign. She argued but they convinced her that I would be better off if I was put into an oral only mainstream program without a hearing aid and forced to learn to listen. I did fine with this until I went to fourth grade in a new school. That school suggested I be transferred over to our local deaf school. My mom told the doctors and said she thought it would be good for me. They again convinced her that I'd stop talking and that I would be fine in my current placement without any assistance. I changed schools in 5th grade and promptly failed the grade. The doctors ordered an FM system and said I'd be fine. Well, I hated that stupid, clunky, and rather large FM thing and refused to wear it. I somehow managed to pass through the rest of my schooling fine. As an adult I was finally given my first hearing aid for my worst ear and sent to a speech therapist. I tried to be able to function with just the one aid for 5 years. I went to a new audi last year and they said my problem was that I needed two aids and I have been ok since. My mom regrets all the problems I have had and wishes she would have sent me to the deaf school. She wants to have her, my son and I enroll in ASL classes now and she doesn't care if I never talk again. I feel bad that she has held on to 27 years of regret. I'm glad to know she cared and I am very upset with the doctors who did this to us.
 
Thanks everyone and thanks to those who shared their stories as well. These doctors, audis and schools really need to stop brainwashing and using scare tactics on the parents.
 
shel90 said:
Thanks everyone and thanks to those who shared their stories as well. These doctors, audis and schools really need to stop brainwashing and using scare tactics on the parents.
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You know, I have heard so many times that parents have said, I thought that sign would help, but the doctors and audis said no, it would prevent my child from learning to speak.

I truly wish that parents followed their gut feelings more often, and realized that doctors are not gods. But they do take advantage of a parents' fear and anxiety and lack of knowledge about deafness all the time.:rl:
 
jillio said:
You know, I have heard so many times that parents have said, I thought that sign would help, but the doctors and audis said no, it would prevent my child from learning to speak.

I truly wish that parents followed their gut feelings more often, and realized that doctors are not gods. But they do take advantage of a parents' fear and anxiety and lack of knowledge about deafness all the time.:rl:
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Yep, I agree.
Mum did what they suggested but 4 years later decided to go with TC method.

Now we have CI clinics on the top of doctors and audis telling parents not to do sign language. Talk about more pressure.
 
SxyPorkie said:
Shel...I am happy for you.. now you know the TRUTH...
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:ty:

I really have no clue where I got the idea that my dad was close-minded about our deafness or against ASL. Maybe cuz we never talked about it? My mom never said anything to me about what my dad's views were..just the topic never came up.
 
You see - it's never to late to get to know something which might be important especially for yourself.

I'm speechless...
but kinda happy too
 
Wow, Shel90 thanks sooo much for posting your story here! I'm sooo glad your Dad finally told you all that you needed to know, what a relief that must've been! :) I hope you gave your Dad the biggest hug ever after that heartfelt convo you guys had!!! :)
 
I am glad that your Dad has more open mind and willing to learn ASL and explore in the Deaf Community.

I raise oral myself until about 1970's. School established Total Communication mixing SEE and Oral. My Dad is Deaf, he uses oral and sign. My Mom is hearing, she uses more signer than my Dad. I had mixing with many languages during my childhood. Until, I enter College, I learned so much more about ASL and Deaf Culture. Now, I admire to work with Deaf people for four years. :)
 
wow, interesting story... It's good to learn the truth from your Dad personally. It's good to know that your Dad is open mind about ASL.

It's similar to my Dad as well few hours later after my sister's funeral in May 2006.

I posted my story to one of Cloggy's many CI threads, too. I cannot find which one because Cloggy created too many CI threads.

I thought about hearing parents' views on many CI debated threads and asked my Dad for his opinion over CI issues and my deafness because he is a hearing person and want to compare his view to some hearing ADers here in CI debate threads.

My Dad told me the story what and how he found my deafness at age 1. He thought in first line is go to sign class to learn sign but my mother told him to not do that because the doctor recommend her to develop me with speech. Therefore, my Dad listen and agree with her without arguement because they thought Expert knows better.

They worried about my future and questioned doctors... The doctors positive them about my deafness and told them to no worry because deaf people are normal like hearing people who can do everything except phone... They can speak only if they train to develop with their speech. HA helps...

Until my Dad heard about CI in 80s time and thought about this and check with doctor about this. Doctor positive him about CI techology... better development... can hear anything with phone, etc. The doctor told my Dad to bring me to him but my Dad told him that I married and live in Germany. Doctor realized that I am an adult and explain my Dad that it's best to implant babies/toddlers with CI than adult. My Dad said that he would of implant me with CI when I born at 80s...:eek3: I asked him why? He said that he like to speak to my ear... I was like :ugh3: and said nothing for a while then told him that I am toooooo glad that I was not born at 80s time and got CI. I would feel that he and my mother do not accept my what I am and my deafness IF they implant me with CI as baby. My Dad was like :eek3: and :confused: - I told him that I thank him and mother for positive my deafness that's how I am happy and satisfy what I am and what I have. Look at me? Of course my Dad look at me... mmmhhhh

I told my Dad that it make no sense when doctor in 60s time positive him and my mother over my deafness and future which is total different as 80s when CI techonology comes...

My Dad said nothing and have to give me right...
 
Liebling, I understand where you were coming from when your Dad told you that he wish you to be hearing as he mention that he want to talk to your ear. He is hoping that you will be able to hear with CI. Now you know your parents accept your deafness. That is sad. I am glad that you have accept your deafness. That is hard to swallow when you learn about the truth from your parents. I am sorry that it come like this, but we need to learn what parents feel about our deafness and why they are trying to fix us. As for me I am learning all from you about that. Again that is really sad and I am sad. :sadwave:
 
I am having problem with my grammar when I mention that now you know that your parents did accept your deafness. What I meant is to say is now you know that your paretns did not accept your deafness. That is sad. Sorry, Liebling. :hug:
 
they do it to earn more money - so they use whatever tactic they can to convince the parents that main-stream is the way to go and eventually the parents will implant the child with a CI.

I agree completely with your dad Shel. I think CIs arent the solution to 'cure' deafness in society. I think deaf children should learn to accept their deafness and to learn sign, the easiest mode of communication for them.

Parents know their children better than any 'expert' and should go with their common sense regarding their child's education and development.
 
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