Kinda blue this morning.

Firebrand

Firebrand

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:(:sadwave: Since I was raised in the hearing world without any sign language, I had been disconnected from the world of the Deaf culture for many years. I have gone through things that no one should ever go through when I was growing up. I'm not talking about the injustices of being disconnected from the culture, but the abuses and traumas that I went through.

I had been affected in a bad way, which could have contributed to severe depression. Despite the help I recieved, I was not able to come out of the depression. I've read books after books on helping myself. It has taught me many things, but still, the depression lingered. I am grateful for so much.

I have family and friends that love me very much. I know I have touched many people in certain ways with my presence. You would think that would be enough for me to feel like I belonged. I don't feel connected when I can't understand what people are saying. I'm talking about being in a group conversation, like gatherings or whatever. I know that even the hearies don't catch everything.

I wonder if I would heal if I was immersed in the Deaf culture. I don't mean that it would make happiness or fix anything. But I mean, would the connection heal? I've had all kinds of therapy. I have fixed myself, but these scars are forever. I don't feel like this much of the time. I am a happy person. But there are times when I'm in psychological pain and the longing is so intense. Fortunately those times of intense pain do not last long, more like an hour or two or whatever.

I've felt this longing my whole life that brings me to tears. It's kinda stupid to ask am I too messed up to be in the culture because I know it's not true. Of course, I'm not looking for an external fix.

I guess, I just wanted this out into the Deaf culture. I don't mean to bring you down with my ramblings.
 
Being late deafened, I can relate to you somewhat. I suffered from chronic depression for years and made the rounds of many doctors, to no avail.

Whether or not you will find happiness in the deaf culture or the hearing world, I dunno. I'm a part of both. Happiness is something you create in ur mind, not something you hope for but can't seem to find. Get involved with as many activities as you can, find things you enjoy doing.
 
Another advice although painful, is talk to a doctor instead of us. Depression can be contagious and it is bad for the group . Very bad if chronic and not just a transient crisis in life that has a true reason.
 
I know happiness is a state of mind. Really, I'm happy most of the time. It's a catalyst, if you know what I mean.

Of course, I would not want to bring any of you down. Of course, I will refrain from posting depressive ramblings. I've been under the care of psychiatrists for years. Although it's being managed well with the meds, I still get "off" times or days.

It was something I needed to say, not to the hearies. I'm sorry.
 
Bottesini said:
Another advice although painful, is talk to a doctor instead of us. Depression can be contagious and it is bad for the group . Very bad if chronic and not just a transient crisis in life that has a true reason.
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Well said, Bott!
 
Firebrand said:
I know happiness is a state of mind. Really, I'm happy most of the time. It's a catalyst, if you know what I mean.

Of course, I would not want to bring any of you down. Of course, I will refrain from posting depressive ramblings. I've been under the care of psychiatrists for years. Although it's being managed well with the meds, I still get "off" times or days.

It was something I needed to say, not to the hearies. I'm sorry.
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I guess what I'm trying to say is it's possible I would have a better outcome if I had the support of the Deaf community. I guess, I'm not making any sense if you think I'm trying to bring you down. I would never bring anyone down with me. Ever.
 
It doesn't hurt to take ASL, in fact you will probably have better communication with people who know ASL. If communication is a problem in your life and you frequently feel left out, you should definitely take it. But if you have depression and you think ASL will cure it, It won't. ALTHOUGH, Communicating freely in ASL does help you talk about your depression without worrying if you misheard or misunderstood.
 
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Firebrand said:
I know happiness is a state of mind. Really, I'm happy most of the time. It's a catalyst, if you know what I mean.

Of course, I would not want to bring any of you down. Of course, I will refrain from posting depressive ramblings. I've been under the care of psychiatrists for years. Although it's being managed well with the meds, I still get "off" times or days.

It was something I needed to say, not to the hearies. I'm sorry.
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Hey if you aren't happy, you aren't happy and there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's important to have a group of friends to talk to even if it's here at AD. Depression sucks and sometimes the best way to feel better is to talk to the dr about getting on medication.
 
Yeah, I am on medications and they help a lot. They don't prevent short spells, though.

Of course, ASL won't cure it. Hehe. Nothing cures it, really. Therapy and meds are effective treatments that help manage it.

I'm ok now. No worries.
 
rockin'robin said:
Being late deafened, I can relate to you somewhat. I suffered from chronic depression for years and made the rounds of many doctors, to no avail.

Whether or not you will find happiness in the deaf culture or the hearing world, I dunno. I'm a part of both. Happiness is something you create in ur mind, not something you hope for but can't seem to find. Get involved with as many activities as you can, find things you enjoy doing.
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Firebrand, not as many activities as you can, but you can find something useful and fun, even if you have more than one hobby that you like. I know it is hard for you to understand in the hearing world and you were left out a lot in a group or gatherings because you seem to be the only deaf person. There should be Clubs for the Deaf somewhere in your area or outside of your area like the big city. ASL is really wonderful way to communicate with Deaf people and also you can get an interpreter for you to talk with your Doctor or Psychiatrist about your depression. If you have never sign ASL, then you need to learn how to sign in a ASL class possibly at the Hearing Society. You will be able to sign, communicate and feel comfortable being around Deaf people and make friends. I do hope the depression will go away and make you feel less pain of being alone. Now that you are here on AD. You have been making some of us be your friends. I am always here for you. :) :hug:

P.S. I have never been in Pennsylvania. I do not know much about your state. :hmm:
 
:ty: Thank you so much for being here for me, everyone. I really, really appreciate that. I'm ok, so you don't have to worry. Besides, I have my hubby, my dog, and my 3 cats. Hee hee. :D

That's exactly what I'm trying to do, Bebonang and Robin. I have so many hobbies around here. Of course, I will learn how to sign and find clubs around here, hopefully locally.

Like I said at first, I've had therapy for many years and read many books to help myself. It's a condition I have to manage as best as I can. These little spells of depression doesn't happen often, fortunately.

And I take my meds as my doc prescribed. I see my doc every few months. In fact, my next appointment is next month.

:grouphug:
 
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