Is this shallow/wrong?

BradB08

BradB08

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I put my profile up on match.com about two weeks ago. I got a wink from a woman around here and while checking out her profile, noticed that we had a lot of similar interests, etc.

So, naturally, I sent her an email asking if she'd like to chat more. She gave me her Yahoo IM name and before I could add it, she had googled my name and found it. :shock:

Normally, I'd be creeped out by that. All she really had to do was ask. What I should have done was added her myself.

Anyway, so we start talking. It starts out good and simple, the way I like it. However, by the third day we chat online, she throws up another red flag: She says that she thinks I wouldn't like her, that I'd think she was ugly.

Why is this a red flag? It's an indicator of low self-esteem.

Anyway, that was the last time we chatted. I put her on ignore and removed her from my list.

Now, I'm wondering if what I did was fair or not. I've already concluded that I'm not attracted to her but I pussed out and couldn't tell her that, instead of just ignoring her. A lot of things she said about her life threw me off as well.

Maybe I am a dick. I saw what happened to my brother when he met a similar woman. She dragged him down and nearly ruined his life with her low self-esteem and negative outlook on life. He also lowered his standards to a point where he would accept anyone (not what I want to do) and he basically let her control his life. Because of my observations of his experience, I learned what I didn't want in a woman.

I can't help but feel bad a bit. I feel really good about myself and right now, I don't have time for my own negativity, let alone someone else's. I'm trying to have more confidence in myself, in life, etc.

Oh well. Maybe I should stop looking again before I hurt someone else or myself.
 
Hmm, I guess it isn't then.

It's happened to me before as well.
 
No one can fault you for trying to look for someone who has a positive attitude. That's not shallow.
 
You might not want to spend your life reassuring someone. I think it is just the way that woman would get attention to focus on her.
 
Perhaps, it was a test to see how you would respond.

It's easy to do things unusual or things that would raise red flags when you're online. You don't have to worry because the other person you're talking to online can't see you and you can easily walk away from it when you make a mistake.
 
Nope. You have the choice and u have to live or die with it. I would do the same thing. Why torture yourself when you could find better woman? Do yourself a favor by not limiting yourself to deaf women but open the possibility of dating hearing women.

Also I may add, it s always best to go out to bars or gathering to meet women. Try to find "dphh" in your area and get urself in the game.
 
lumbingmi said:
Nope. You have the choice and u have to live or die with it. I would do the same thing. Why torture yourself when you could find better woman? Do yourself a favor by not limiting yourself to deaf women but open the possibility of dating hearing women.
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She's not Deaf. And I just haven't met enough Deaf women outside of the ones I know in VT, so there could be someone and I wouldn't know, etc.

Also I may add, it s always best to go out to bars or gathering to meet women. Try to find "dphh" in your area and get urself in the game.
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Can't do bars. Hard to communicate (noisy) and the women that usually go to those around here are unattractive. Again, I don't go to many hearing gatherings and the Deaf gatherings never have any single women.
 
Brad, you make a better judge of your own decisions or instincts than any one of us from AD could ever be.

Personally I would be turned off if a man tells me that he thinks I wont like him because he is too ugly or whatnot, I dont find these men with low self esteem attractive because I am not interested in falling for their bait. She wanted you to fall for her bait and reassure her that she is a beautiful woman etc - - you sensed that and walked away so dont ever doubt your instincts - clearly you are a sensitive young man if you felt bad for her but it is not your job to make every young single woman or even married woman feel beautiful and desired. That is a tough job to tackle onto.

If you cant do bars or what you mentioned above, then continue with this venue - dont give up - you dont always catch a 20 lb. salmon on first try do you? Keep fishing on, man and you will be glad that you did not settle!
 
Thanks. Yeah I tend to agree and I've seen this crap from too many women. It seems to be a popular way to trap guys into settling for women that are bad for them.
 
Just follow your instinct and heart what is the best for you.... and, hopefully that one day you will find a better and loving woman in your life - not a cold fish. :)
 
redflag.jpg




Nigeran scammers!
 
I honestly think you did what you think it's right for you. I can understand why you don't want the same thing happened to you as it did to your brother.

I wish you luck, :)
 
BradB08 said:
I put my profile up on match.com about two weeks ago. I got a wink from a woman around here and while checking out her profile, noticed that we had a lot of similar interests, etc.

So, naturally, I sent her an email asking if she'd like to chat more. She gave me her Yahoo IM name and before I could add it, she had googled my name and found it. :shock:

Normally, I'd be creeped out by that. All she really had to do was ask. What I should have done was added her myself.

Anyway, so we start talking. It starts out good and simple, the way I like it. However, by the third day we chat online, she throws up another red flag: She says that she thinks I wouldn't like her, that I'd think she was ugly.

Why is this a red flag? It's an indicator of low self-esteem.

Anyway, that was the last time we chatted. I put her on ignore and removed her from my list.

Now, I'm wondering if what I did was fair or not. I've already concluded that I'm not attracted to her but I pussed out and couldn't tell her that, instead of just ignoring her. A lot of things she said about her life threw me off as well.

Maybe I am a dick. I saw what happened to my brother when he met a similar woman. She dragged him down and nearly ruined his life with her low self-esteem and negative outlook on life. He also lowered his standards to a point where he would accept anyone (not what I want to do) and he basically let her control his life. Because of my observations of his experience, I learned what I didn't want in a woman.

I can't help but feel bad a bit. I feel really good about myself and right now, I don't have time for my own negativity, let alone someone else's. I'm trying to have more confidence in myself, in life, etc.

Oh well. Maybe I should stop looking again before I hurt someone else or myself.
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Haha. A lot of pretty, gorgeous women say that. Might be your loss man. Who knows?
 
I'd say good call, someone who would immediately start discussing their insecurities or troubled life are turning to the wrong people, they should seek professional help. Don't be deceived, I've seen beautiful women with emotional baggage you wouldn't want to deal with. Keep searching til your instincts tell you she's a good potential catch, but don't be too desperate, take your time to make the right decision.
 
Advice.. going out deaf social or other!!

I did put deafdate.com.. I talked with man online but felt too much for me! :dunno2:
 
VamPyroX said:
Perhaps, it was a test to see how you would respond.
It's easy to do things unusual or things that would raise red flags when you're online. You don't have to worry because the other person you're talking to online can't see you and you can easily walk away from it when you make a mistake.
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That should be another red flag for Brad08. If someone feels the need to "test" a new acquaintence, it is another indication of low self-esteem, and inability to trust, and it starts the relationship out on dishonesty and manipulation.

To answer the orignal question...not shallow at all.
 
BradB08 said:
She's not Deaf. And I just haven't met enough Deaf women outside of the ones I know in VT, so there could be someone and I wouldn't know, etc.



Can't do bars. Hard to communicate (noisy) and the women that usually go to those around here are unattractive. Again, I don't go to many hearing gatherings and the Deaf gatherings never have any single women.
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You know, you are an intelligent young man. Bars are certainly not the best place to look for a peotential partner. Try gatherings that are more in tune with your interests. You appear to be well read...how about a book club? Or perhaps volunteer a few hours a week at a political headquarters? If there is a Deaf school in your area, how about volunteering to mentor a deaf child? Puts you in contact with a whole community, and gives you a great deal of self satisfaction in the process. Do what interests you, and you will put yourself in a position of coming into contact with people who share your interests and goals in life.
 
jillio said:
You know, you are an intelligent young man. Bars are certainly not the best place to look for a peotential partner. Try gatherings that are more in tune with your interests. You appear to be well read...how about a book club? Or perhaps volunteer a few hours a week at a political headquarters? If there is a Deaf school in your area, how about volunteering to mentor a deaf child? Puts you in contact with a whole community, and gives you a great deal of self satisfaction in the process. Do what interests you, and you will put yourself in a position of coming into contact with people who share your interests and goals in life.
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Very good advice!

Funny..my former roommates met my hubby at a bar in 2002 and brought him home from the bar. They introduced me to him and I thought he was just another hearing guy looking to score with deaf women by taking advantage of our deafness. We ended up being good friends and now we are married! Life is soooo strange sometimes! Never say never about the bar scene..:laugh2:
 
shel90 said:
Very good advice!

Funny..my former roommates met my hubby at a bar in 2002 and brought him home from the bar. They introduced me to him and I thought he was just another hearing guy looking to score with deaf women by taking advantage of our deafness. We ended up being good friends and now we are married! Life is soooo strange sometimes! Never say never about the bar scene..:laugh2:
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Ah, but you didn't meet him in a bar, nor were you in a bar looking for a partner.:laugh2: Your roomate met him in the bar, but she isn't the one that ended up with the prize!

And you being skeptical about his motives gave you an advantage.:giggle:
 
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