Is It Appropriate To .....

[Reba]

...I respectfully disagree that it's rude to ask for gifts, money, donation etc...

You can disagree all you want but proper American etiquette is: no mention of gifts or money printed on the wedding invitations. Period.

Of course, people are free to ignore proper etiquette. There is no "law" that people must follow good manners.

People are free to decide:

1. show good taste, respect their guests, and follow proper etiquette

or

2. ignore proper etiquette, and do show the guests that gifts are more important than people

... I rather to know what they want something from us than nothing, they feel disappoint.

That's fine. You can ask the bride, "Where are you registered?" Then the bride can tell you which stores, or she can tell you that they prefer gift certificates.

... write something different to get people attention.

It will definitely get their attention--not good attention.

I have seen a lot of Germans add "donation" (better say charity) to cancer fonds, AID fonds, children home, etc. on the newspaper instead of flowers when the people attend funerals. It's not just funerals but weddings, annivesary, birthdays parties as well...but they don't put "money" but coupon of donation address direct to charities. We have everything in our house then we add something to let them know that we do not need gifts to improve our household etc.

Angel's not in Germany.

Its about honest.

No, it's about good manners, and showing respect to the guests.

There is nothing "dishonest" about NOT printing gift or money statements in an invitation.

Appearing greedy is not the kind of "honesty" anyone wants to portray.

 

[Angel]

Invitations should have NO mention of gifts or money. That is bad taste. Invitations are just invitations. Gifts are not required, and should never be mentioned.

For many years, I've seen my families put on birthday invitations what their children need for their birthday, whether it's money or gift, and I never seen it as being rude but helpful, because I don't know what every child wants, or what my parent wants, since I don't live with them and I don't know what they have etc and it helps me know what to buy them or if they want something so bad enough that may be a lot of money, I usually give them money so they can save it for whatever it may be...

I'm surprise people do this differently, I never seen it as being rude,

 

[Reba]

For many years, I've seen my families put on birthday invitations what their children need for their birthday, whether it's money or gift, and I never seen it as being rude but helpful, because I don't know what every child wants, or what my parent wants, since I don't live with them and I don't know what they have etc and it helps me know what to buy them or if they want something so bad enough that may be experiences, I usually give them money so they can save it for whatever it may be...

I'm surprise people do this differently, I never seen it as being rude,

Just because many people do things for years doesn't make it right.

If a guest to a birthday party or wedding wants to know what someone wants, they just ask. It should NEVER be printed in the invitation.

The word "invitation" means to request the presence (NOT presents) of people to share in a joyous event.

When in doubt about a gift, the guest can either ask, or give a gift certificate or money. That's the guest's decision.

Like I posted, this is a free country, and people don't need to follow the rules of etiquette. However, I think people should at least know what the rules are before they break them.

 

[Liebling:-)))]

"Unwanted" wedding gifts!!!

Yes, because it's truth... I'm sorry if you think it's harsh of me... It's normally if I recieve an invitation then I would ask them what they wish because their wish should be fulfilling then they will enjoy their wish because their wish is fulfilled! Yes, we do not need those gifts because we already have everything... Why should we keep them when we never ask for this? All what we do is send "thank you" to anyone... I really hate to "lie" to anyone to pretend that I like their gifts. What we do with those gifts? Nothing, we returned some gifts to Dad and his wife and keep some in attic for years... Perhaps my boys need it some day...What a sad because we want to use gifts to remember our wedding... Really sad... sad... sad... I strongly beleive that a couple's wish should be fulfilling then they can use forever...

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a very mercenary attitude. A wedding is not for getting gifts. A wedding is for sharing a most happy occasion with family and friends. An invitation is to invite people, not to request things. IF guests want to send gifts, that's fine. That's an extra blessing. But it's not required, and certainly never expected or requested.

I want to put "no gift" on invitation card and happy to have guests around... but I listen my Dad & his wife's advice for not add "no gift" etc... and said that the people will ask for our wedding list automatic... My mother-in-law said that I should add "no gift" or something to get people attention that we don't want gift then it will get them automaic to add money in the card.

A gift from the heart is never "unwanted".

I don't lie if I don't need those gift... Should I lie you that I appreicate your gift very much which I didn't ask for those gift? Yes, those gift is unwant gift... Sorry... because we do not need them... we leave gifts in the attic for years.... I do not wish to listen my Dad & his wife. That's why I like Angel's idea. A lot of Germans do like that... to add something in the card... to get our attention... They never add the word "money" or "no gift" or etc..

If someone asks you or your parents what you want, then you can honestly answer them. That's fine. But it should never be included in the invitation.

Yes, it's really nice when the people ask you or your parents what you want but some people didn't do that.

That is just greedy and rude.

Respectfully disagree!

People deserve honestly what they feel and desire then their wishes should be fulfilling.

I do not consider it as greedy and rude...

No way!

We did for many years with no problem.... including my relatives... Oh yes, my mother-in-law asked me to not give her gifts for birthdays, Xmas etc anymore because they really do not need it... Do I consider her as greedy and rude? No, I appreicate her honestly because I want her to use something what they get from us instead of receive unwanted gift from us... What we do? We get coupon for them to go restaurant or weekends trip... or shopping spree Guess what? They appreciate it very much then they are able to go out for break...

At my birthdays, my co-workers asked me what I wish for gifts... I told them that I do not need anything to improve my house. Guess what they got coupon for me to go swimming for 6 month... It's important that everyone feel happy and use to fulfill their wishes.

 

[Liebling:-)))]

For many years, I've seen my families put on birthday invitations what their children need for their birthday, whether it's money or gift, and I never seen it as being rude but helpful, because I don't know what every child wants, or what my parent wants, since I don't live with them and I don't know what they have etc and it helps me know what to buy them or if they want something so bad enough that may be a lot of money, I usually give them money so they can save it for whatever it may be...

I'm surprise people do this differently, I never seen it as being rude,

Yes, I'm agree with you on this. I'm the same as you as well.

My boys asked me to not buy anything for them anymore (Birthday, Easter, Xmas) but money... I respect their wishes and of course I add little gifts to surprise them (I know their tastes) and add money... They are happy... They want to save up or buy something themselves

 

[Angel]

Just because many people do things for years doesn't make it right.

It may be wrong to you, but to me, I don't see a problem with it at all I'm sorry but I'm being honest, I never look at it as being selfish or greedy....

The word "invitation" means to request the presence (NOT presents) of people to share in a joyous event.

Children do not understand that, they usally get gifts at their birthday parties, families and friends watch children open the gifts and seeing the joy and their smiles too, that what child's birthday party is all about...If they don't have money to buy anything, then don't bring anything..It was only to let them know what the child wants for their birthday that is all to it.

Like I posted, this is a free country, and people don't need to follow the rules of etiquette. However, I think people should at least know what the rules are before they break them.

What rules? It not like we're asking them they must bring a gift or money before they attend, it was just to letting them know,

 

[Liebling:-)))]

You can disagree all you want but proper American etiquette is: no mention of gifts or money printed on the wedding invitations. Period.

Of course, people are free to ignore proper etiquette. There is no "law" that people must follow good manners.

People are free to decide:

1. show good taste, respect their guests, and follow proper etiquette

or

2. ignore proper etiquette, and do show the guests that gifts are more important than people



That's fine. You can ask the bride, "Where are you registered?" Then the bride can tell you which stores, or she can tell you that they prefer gift certificates.


It will definitely get their attention--not good attention.

Okay, this is your opinion. I prefer to be honest than play flattery with anyone.

Angel's not in Germany.

But Angel's way is the same here in Germany.

No, it's about good manners, and showing respect to the guests.

Respect? Where's their respect on Bride and Groom's wish? It's not about guests but Bride and Groom... I know manner and would show my respect to fulfill Bride and Groom's wish because I want Bride and Groom's wish come true.

There is nothing "dishonest" about NOT printing gift or money statements in an invitation.

I see nothing wrong that Angel do something to get guest's attention that she dont' need to improve her home. I wish to do the same as Angel at 22 years ago...

Appearing greedy is not the kind of "honesty" anyone wants to portray.

No I see opposite as you. I like people who honest with me what they think and feel instead of fake their honestly to me.

 

[Angel]

Yes, I'm agree with you on this. I'm the same as you as well.

My boys asked me to not buy anything for them anymore (Birthday, Easter, Xmas) but money... I respect their wishes and of course I add little gifts to surprise them (I know their tastes) and add money... They are happy... They want to save up or buy something themselves

Yeah same here, that way they can buy whatever they want with it or save it in their savings....

 

[Liebling:-)))]

What rules? It not like we're asking them they must bring a gift or money before they attend, it was just to letting them know,

It has nothing do with rules... you doing right thing to let us know what you wish and what you feel.

It's same with my boys and family-in-law as well.. I apprecitae their honestly that they dont want gifts... I can understand that my boys are big now and need money... My family-in-law have everything so we gave them coupon for go to resturant or weekends trips... they are happy to go away for break...

I appreicate your honestly that you don't want to improve your household items.

 

[Alex]

Ok, I think there's a little confusion here. Some members stated that there's nothing wrong with wanting money if they were asked what they want. If that's the case, then, yes, I agree that there's nothing wrong with asking for money rather than items only if they were asked.

But the question is, is it appropriate to ask for money, or anything for that matter. Different people have different opinions, but I was raised not to ask for or expect anything if I invited anyone to my birthday or special event, and I wouldn't be like that if I invited anyone to my future wedding. I mean, I hope there is one in the future.

In the past, when I was invited to someone's birthday, I have given them nice gifts, big or small, sometimes even money. It's a custom, and I think it's nice and thoughtful after being invited. It's sort of like a "Thank you for the invitation" gift. Of course, I wouldn't feel that way if I was invited and asked to get them what they wish for. As a matter of fact, that happened to me a few times in the past and I have rejected their invitations.

Like Reba said, invitations should be simply invitations, asking someone to be a guest and be a part of something special, not asking for anything in return. It just wouldn't be considered an invitation, know what I mean?

Next month AllDeaf is going to become 5 years old and it should be a special day when that day comes. Of course everyone is invited and maybe I should mention, in a nice way, that money is required to be a part of the celebration?

Just kidding.

 

[Mistyrose]

Invitations should have NO mention of gifts or money. That is bad taste. Invitations are just invitations. Gifts are not required, and should never be mentioned.

I agree with you, Reba..it is kind of tacky to ask for money to
finance for a trip to Hawaii for whatever in lieu of gifts, really.

Angel, if you have any questions, why dont you look up "Emily
Post.com" and you could ask her questions regarding that about
asking for money instead of gift thing, ok? and see what she
says? She is the best bet in answering sticky subjects like that.
Good luck!

 

[Reba]

It may be wrong to you, but to me, I don't see a problem with it at all I'm sorry but I'm being honest, I never look at it as being selfish or greedy....

I'm only telling you what the proper etiquette is. It doesn't matter if you or I agree with it. That's what is proper. Those are the "rules", not my "opinion".

Children do not understand that, they usally get gifts at their birthday parties, families and friends watch children open the gifts and seeing the joy and their smiles too, that what child's birthday party is all about...If they don't have money to buy anything, then don't bring anything..It was only to let them know what the child wants for their birthday that is all to it.

There's nothing wrong with kids bringing gifts. Nothing at all. I'm just trying to explain that "gift" information should never be included in the invitation. There's nothing wrong with parents calling the mom and asking, "What would your son like for his birthday?" Or asking, "Does your son already have such-and-such, or would he like more Legos, or....?" That's fine.

What rules?

The rules of modern American etiquette.

It not like we're asking them they must bring a gift or money before they attend, it was just to letting them know,

You're not saying that they must bring a gift but by implication just mentioning "gifts" strongly suggests that a gift is expected. It creates an obligation (guilty burden).

 

[Reba]

...Next month AllDeaf is going to become 5 years old and it should be a special day when that day comes. Of course everyone is invited and maybe I should mention, in a nice way, that money is required to be a part of the celebration?

Just kidding.

Oh, you bad!

 

[Angel]

I agree with you, Reba..it is kind of tacky to ask for money to finance for a trip to Hawaii for whatever in lieu of gifts, really.

Where did I say anything about Hawaii?...

Angel, if you have any questions, why dont you look up "Emily
Post.com" and you could ask her questions regarding that about
asking for money instead of gift thing, ok? and see what she
says? She is the best bet in answering sticky subjects like that.
Good luck!

No thanks...I'm just asking for opinions here, and everyone is entitled to their opinions, it not about who's right or who's wrong ....

 

[Mistyrose]

Oh, you bad!

Oh, i know! I was laughin my arse off at Alex at his
comments!! that was cute!

 

[Reba]

I know that kids enjoy birthday presents but as they get older (like 12) it's not as important.

My daughter invites her son's friends to special events, like a trip to the aquarium or fun park but she doesn't mention that it's for his birthday. (She doesn't use printed invitations; she calls or emails the parents.) That way, no one brings gifts, and especially the poorer kids don't get embarrassed. She takes them all to the park (or whatever), then they go home for pizza, cake and ice cream. My daughter makes "goodies" bags with candy for the kids to take home. But they don't call it a "birthday party", and there are no gifts. But the kids have lots of fun.

I guess that's a "reverse" birthday party. The family with the birthday treats the guests.

The boys get their gifts from parents and grandparents either before or after that day.

 

[Reba]

...Angel, if you have any questions, why dont you look up "Emily
Post.com" and you could ask her questions regarding that about
asking for money instead of gift thing, ok? and see what she
says? She is the best bet in answering sticky subjects like that.
Good luck!

That's the safest, least "flammable" way to do it.

Rules of etiquette are rules, not opinions or feelings.

If someone just wants to know what is right and wrong, the etiquette websites have all the answers. No flaming or hurt feelings at those sites.

 

[Reba]

No thanks...I'm just asking for opinions here, and everyone is entitled to their opinions, it not about who's right or who's wrong ....

I'm sorry Angel but your original question did ask what was "appropriate". Appropriate does mean "right", so it was a "right or wrong" question.

I'm just giving you the information about what's "appropriate"--that is, what is "right." It's not my "opinion". Please don't shoot the messenger. Etiquette has rules, the same as physics has rules. I can't say, "In my opinion, if I jump off this 10-story I won't fall to the ground" because the rule of gravity is in effect.

Etiquette sets up rules, not to be mean or strict, but to make life easier. It's so much easier to look up the rule and follow it, no hard feelings, than to ask for dozens of opinions and get conflicting personal answers.

 

[Cheri]

What do you say about those who registered at stores much as JcPenneys, Sears for their wedding gift (home accessories, colors of each rooms, silverware and fancy linens to the guests? Isn't that the same as being rude on their wish list? Many people do it, there's should be nothing wrong with telling wedding guests to contribute cash towards the wedding couple's honeymoon. I believe there is a wedding registry for honeymoon, why don't you try it Angel, if a wedding couple have registry their wish list at any stores, then I don't think there should be a problem with registry cash forward to their honeymoon for their wish list. If a guest buy a coffee set, and the wedding couples already have a coffee set, what are they supposed to do with it? Return the new merchandise back to the store? How would they know which store a guest brought it from. It's a pain in the ass to ask every guest for receipts for product to replacement or exchange, when they did not even wish, want or needed. It's like asking 100 people for receipts. Seriously, would you do that? I wouldn't.

Just my two cents.

 

[DreamDeaf]

Alex, I am appalled about you trying to inject some tasteless "humor" into this thread. Angel brought up a very valid question and has been trying to seek advice on this matter.

I do know that Angel and RoadRunner have been paying for this wedding on their own, with just a LITTLE help from their families, along with their good friends, who are helping in other ways to make this wedding a success for them.

Who is this wedding for? Of course, Angel and RoadRunner! The wedding is NOT for the guests - but for the guests to honor Angel and RoadRunner on their special day.

Up to that point, the thread was going very well - many good points were being brought up, pros and cons, and now because of your tactless remark, Alex, it is in danger of being pulled off the tracks.

As for my opinion, so much have changed over the years - in the past, couples getting married, were just starting out, so they needed to have bridal registeries and bridal showers in order to get things they needed for their new home... now, many couples are merging two households into one household, and having to get rid of unnecessary, unneeded items... it can be a pain in the arse.

While it may not be proper to put "money gifts in lieu of wedding gifts" on an invitation, I do not see anything wrong with this statement: The couple are hoping to have a honeymoon, and would appreciate help from their good friends - or something to that effect.

Just my four cents' worth.