In that void between two worlds....

[jillio]

Don't feel bad. There will always be a void somewhere out there depending where you are.

I'm HOH.

When I was a student at RIT, I thought things would be better for me. I was wrong.

That's when I realized that there are still deaf people out there that don't accept me for who I am. Yes, I'm deaf... but according to some deaf students, I'm "not deaf enough" to fit into their circle.

The most important thing is not acceptance by others, but acceptance of self. Once that is achieved, you stop looking outside to fill that void.

 

[MidnightSun]

Trapped between 2 worlds

Hello Holly, My words to you will not be the most popular, but that's never stopped me before from saying what I really feel, so here goes. I lost my hearing 8 yrs ago. I went to bed hearing , and woke up profoundly deaf, no warning. I freaked , of course. I was taken to Johns Hopkins Hospital and University Hospital both here in Maryland. after 2 weeks of testing for everything, and finding nothing wrong, UGH! I was told I do carry an extra gene in my DNA "string". It's propbably what researchers are looking at now as the "deaf gene". Anyway what I really want to say to you is I felt the same. I am well educated, always had a great job and was happy helping others. I was depressed, in the beginning, I could not even hear my own voice. I went to local Comm College and took conversational ASL and hired a private tutor. To be honest my life continued on, I lost my contract working for the Feds, so that meant I lost my financial independence, lost my companion dog of 14 yrs, My MOM passed away after I brought her home and took care of her myself with my brothers help. (My greatest sadness is that I could not hear her last words to me) Lost most of my hearing friends because they were frightened by the unknown of my deafness, and I got kicked out of ASL classes because I refused to stop speaking. My god, I had earned my living speaking, and I also did some freelance writing. So. I kept moving forward.
I was lucky enough to find a counselor who before I knew it was telling me I was going to be fine and I really was! OK..so the first mixer I went to I had the same type thing happen, too many ppl. I can speak perfectly and lip read pretty well. but all that at once comming at me was too much. i was also told that night by a deaf person that I was not truly deaf because I still spoke
Laughing, I was as deaf or more deaf then she. Then I realized the hearing ppl that I knew were afraid they had lost their friend, and they were to lazy to write everything down for me. Hmmm. So the topper of all of this Holly is after a little over 6 yrs of being deaf I was involved in an incident that left me with a traumatic brain injury, lost 2years of memory and everything I had worked hard to learn about ASL. so this is the part where everyone wants to set me on fire, joking....this past weekend I was with a deaf friend who insisted he was going to teach me to sign. NO! as I explained to him I really had more ways of communicating then he did, I had retaught myself the basics of ASL, I could speak, I read lips well and I can write. He uses ASL but is not what I would call fluent. He speaks, I don't know how well because I cant hear him (softly sorta mumbles) he can not read lips and refuses to write to me. I see this as 2 deaf ppl making 2 different choices. That's my point Holly. I struggle with the ASL and retaining any info because of my brain trauma, but I will not stop communicating. I have 4 choices, he has 2.

Now I have recently pruchased a Samsung Galaxy Tablet that has Dragon software (Naturally Speaking) it works ! so...I can lay my tablet on the table if I go out with friends, and as they speak and I ask them please one at a time, laughing, it prints what they say. I simply respond. Amazing! and if the person I am speaking with is deaf, they can simply type to me and i will type back. even had a blank screen we can use to draw with our fingers, the kids love that one. I am now ready to approach any group and with all my choices of how to communicate, I feel blessed. I will probably never learn ASL as well as I had before the incident..BUT I am a profoundly deaf woman who embraces her deafness but will use every source available to allow her to communicate with as many ppl as I can. Some call me an Oralist, because I speak, I will NEVER stop talking. I reaLLY do not think that is the path I am suppose to walk. I am not going to suffer and torture myself any longer. If I speak too loudly and someone asks me to be quiet, I apologize that my disability has inconvenieced them..smile. I'm gonna be fine and so are you Holly. you need not pick a side..lol..hearing or deaf..you need to learn all the means of communication that appeal to you. Many Blessings Holly. Be BRAVE! When I lost my hearing I thought it was the worst thing that could happen, laughing, I was so so wrong. I am doing well and taking life as it comes. Please..dont feel you have to pick a side. we are all in this together...smile, If you have any qqs I will be honored to answer them. I
was lucky, I had already earned my PhD in Human Ecology from Johns Hopkins University. I did my dissertationon on Reality vs Pretense. No pretending for me. I am a deaf woman, and I will continue to learn and grow and be happy,
Peace to you always Holly...Peace Begins Within...Midnight.♥♥♥

 

[Beach girl]

MidnightSun, I really, really admire you for all you've done and for your fantastic attitude toward communicating. Giving yourself several options sounds like the best thing possible.

That Galaxy Tablet sounds like a wonderful invention! How did you happen to hear about that software? I remember you mentioning it before, and thinking "Hmm, I've got to look into that!" Sounds like it is really helpful to you.

Holly, would you be willing or interested in trying something like that? It sounds great for dealing with groups of people.

We all have different lives and our communication needs are very individual. It's quite amazing how much technology is out there to assist in different sorts of ways.

 

[jillio]

Hello Holly, My words to you will not be the most popular, but that's never stopped me before from saying what I really feel, so here goes. I lost my hearing 8 yrs ago. I went to bed hearing , and woke up profoundly deaf, no warning. I freaked , of course. I was taken to Johns Hopkins Hospital and University Hospital both here in Maryland. after 2 weeks of testing for everything, and finding nothing wrong, UGH! I was told I do carry an extra gene in my DNA "string". It's propbably what researchers are looking at now as the "deaf gene". Anyway what I really want to say to you is I felt the same. I am well educated, always had a great job and was happy helping others. I was depressed, in the beginning, I could not even hear my own voice. I went to local Comm College and took conversational ASL and hired a private tutor. To be honest my life continued on, I lost my contract working for the Feds, so that meant I lost my financial independence, lost my companion dog of 14 yrs, My MOM passed away after I brought her home and took care of her myself with my brothers help. (My greatest sadness is that I could not hear her last words to me) Lost most of my hearing friends because they were frightened by the unknown of my deafness, and I got kicked out of ASL classes because I refused to stop speaking. My god, I had earned my living speaking, and I also did some freelance writing. So. I kept moving forward.
I was lucky enough to find a counselor who before I knew it was telling me I was going to be fine and I really was! OK..so the first mixer I went to I had the same type thing happen, too many ppl. I can speak perfectly and lip read pretty well. but all that at once comming at me was too much. i was also told that night by a deaf person that I was not truly deaf because I still spoke
Laughing, I was as deaf or more deaf then she. Then I realized the hearing ppl that I knew were afraid they had lost their friend, and they were to lazy to write everything down for me. Hmmm. So the topper of all of this Holly is after a little over 6 yrs of being deaf I was involved in an incident that left me with a traumatic brain injury, lost 2years of memory and everything I had worked hard to learn about ASL. so this is the part where everyone wants to set me on fire, joking....this past weekend I was with a deaf friend who insisted he was going to teach me to sign. NO! as I explained to him I really had more ways of communicating then he did, I had retaught myself the basics of ASL, I could speak, I read lips well and I can write. He uses ASL but is not what I would call fluent. He speaks, I don't know how well because I cant hear him (softly sorta mumbles) he can not read lips and refuses to write to me. I see this as 2 deaf ppl making 2 different choices. That's my point Holly. I struggle with the ASL and retaining any info because of my brain trauma, but I will not stop communicating. I have 4 choices, he has 2.

Now I have recently pruchased a Samsung Galaxy Tablet that has Dragon software (Naturally Speaking) it works ! so...I can lay my tablet on the table if I go out with friends, and as they speak and I ask them please one at a time, laughing, it prints what they say. I simply respond. Amazing! and if the person I am speaking with is deaf, they can simply type to me and i will type back. even had a blank screen we can use to draw with our fingers, the kids love that one. I am now ready to approach any group and with all my choices of how to communicate, I feel blessed. I will probably never learn ASL as well as I had before the incident..BUT I am a profoundly deaf woman who embraces her deafness but will use every source available to allow her to communicate with as many ppl as I can. Some call me an Oralist, because I speak, I will NEVER stop talking. I reaLLY do not think that is the path I am suppose to walk. I am not going to suffer and torture myself any longer. If I speak too loudly and someone asks me to be quiet, I apologize that my disability has inconvenieced them..smile. I'm gonna be fine and so are you Holly. you need not pick a side..lol..hearing or deaf..you need to learn all the means of communication that appeal to you. Many Blessings Holly. Be BRAVE! When I lost my hearing I thought it was the worst thing that could happen, laughing, I was so so wrong. I am doing well and taking life as it comes. Please..dont feel you have to pick a side. we are all in this together...smile, If you have any qqs I will be honored to answer them. I
was lucky, I had already earned my PhD in Human Ecology from Johns Hopkins University. I did my dissertationon on Reality vs Pretense. No pretending for me. I am a deaf woman, and I will continue to learn and grow and be happy,
Peace to you always Holly...Peace Begins Within...Midnight.♥♥♥

You are quite right. One need not pick a side. One will eventually choose an identity with which they are comfortable, and depending up that identity, they will also choose which world to spend the majority of their time in. It is an evolution. Yet, it is still possible to exist in both worlds; one is simply preferred or more predominant. That is the way it is for most Deaf.

But that stuck in between, not being able to be comfortable with functioning in either world, is something I am certain you can relate to. It is not so much a matter of choosing a side at that point, but of feeling like any choice will not be satisfactory because you don't meet some sort of "criteria" for fully venturing into either world. That is something that occurs with each and every person who has gone on this journey; some sooner, some later. One does need to make a choice to take steps forward to get out of the world of ambiguity that exists when sitting on the fence. It is not healthy, emotionally or mentally, to stay there for an extended period of time. Everyone visits, but it need not be a place of residence.

 

[AJWSmith]

Hi Hollykins1. Have you seen this drama? It's about a 17yr old girl who has the same problem as you - stuck between two worlds. I posted it before on AD but I don't know whether you've seen it. It gets me every time, and I have to dig out the tissues which is embarrassing for a grown man

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKEjo9pmBA4]MY SONG - Award winning drama by C&B Films for BSLBT - YouTube[/ame]

I think what Jillio wrote above is wise - it's about finding an identity that fits you and makes you feel comfortable. I identify with your struggle as I too am feeling in limbo, not quite belonging anywhere. It's a process or a journey. And you will arrive as a stronger and better human being.

And please feel free to continue to "whine" on here in AllDeaf. This is a place where people will understand and listen to you.

 

[KristinaB]

Holly - I have been and still am in the same place as you. It is very hard most everywhere I go anymore.

 

[SimonJ]

I know how you feel. But I feel obliged to tell you that your feelings of loneliness even in a group of people like you will never go away unless you deal with the causes. That means counseling. I still have a counselor I see pretty often and am not ashamed to admit it. Hang in there, and good luck!

I disagree, I am in this situation and counselling is not going to help me hear any better, nor can I read signs of fast fluent deaf people. That is the cause of my isolation, not anything I can do but practice my sign language until I can fully interact.

 

[CrzyMeg]

i understand what you going through. I deal those feelings with therapy. i am not worry about deaf world or hearing world. I dont worry about being fit in. Like my Aunt said to me "it is better to be urself than to follow the group." which mean it is ok to be different and not do what everyone is doing same thing.

 

[Cheetah]

Hollykins1 - If I could, I would stand next to you and offer my support. I've been right there. I used to have a progressive hearing loss (it can't be called progressive if it's all gone, can it?). Now I am completely and totally deaf. I had to deal with it. And in truth, I am still dealing with it every day. Almost everyday that I deal with hearing folks, something stupid happens to remind me that I am unable to communicate easily. I have a CI now, It's not as good as my hearing aids used to be. The hardest part was coming to terms with who I am, what I am, where I want to be. Once I accepted that my deafness is a part of me and it does not define me, I was able to move on to what does define me. I define my deafness for me. I choose how and when I want to tell others about my deafness and when (if ever) I will tell someone that I am deaf. It's not a secret. But sometimes I just want be me, just me, nothing else but me.

A little selfish perhaps, but I've come to believe that we need to be a little selfish so we can take care of ourselves before we are in a position to take care of others.

 

[jillio]

I disagree, I am in this situation and counselling is not going to help me hear any better, nor can I read signs of fast fluent deaf people. That is the cause of my isolation, not anything I can do but practice my sign language until I can fully interact.

As long as you believe it won't help you, it won't. No sense in wasting your time, or the couselor's time.

 

[Mudkipz]

It's hard to be yourself if you haven't found yourself enough. Being stuck in between worlds can be a terrible and interesting place to be in. I don't want to pick one... :-/

 

[Cheetah]

It's hard to be yourself if you haven't found yourself enough. Being stuck in between worlds can be a terrible and interesting place to be in. I don't want to pick one... :-/

I've spent most of my life between worlds. I never could choose one over the other. Finally the choice was made for me. I am now... Deaf and proud of it. I am very thankful that I have ASL already and do not need to struggle to learn it after losing all of my hearing.

I do have a CI, so I do a pretty good imitation of a hearing person at times!

 

[Mudkipz]

I've spent most of my life between worlds. I never could choose one over the other. Finally the choice was made for me. I am now... Deaf and proud of it. I am very thankful that I have ASL already and do not need to struggle to learn it after losing all of my hearing.

I do have a CI, so I do a pretty good imitation of a hearing person at times!

CI is great, but it's unpredictable. By unpredictable, it's not for everyone as people have different situations, ranging from born deaf to hearing loss at very young age while exposed to plenty sounds to hearing loss at a point where you heard many sounds before. It takes practice. A lot of commitment. You can't just wear it and hope it works by itself, even over time. You must do it yourself; you must know what sound it is and where it comes from; you must hear it plenty times to put it in concrete. With that said, you have to consider it very seriously when putting yourself out in the public. If you don't understand someone, you just put yourself at risk of being mistaken for something else other than someone's expectation (<-- needs better wording here). __._% reliability on communication, but not 100%. Work hard for 100%, but life isn't stopping.

ASL is and can be 100% reliability for communicating for anyone. Options options options. Get what I'm saying?

 

[Sunshine]

I kind of know what you mean. I was born profoundly deaf, but where I live there isn't really a Deaf Community (there are three of us in town who are Deaf/HOH and the other two are in their 80s). I was the only Deaf person in school growing up, and in my family, and really the only Deaf person I knew (until I moved to a city in high school). I learned sign language and used it with my family and friends and everything, but I never felt like I fully fit into their world. Then, when I got to the city and met other Deaf people, I realised how little I knew about Deaf culture. I also realised how poor my ASL skills were, and how much more like SEE they were. I hadn't known that. So then I felt like I didn't really fit in the hearing or Deaf world...

So hugs for you because it's no fun to feel like an outsider...and I agree with those who suggested counselling.

 

[Mudkipz]

Wow! The complete opposite, sunny signs! Yet lends into the same problem...